Any Deacons Wives out there?

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deaconswife1

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Any Deacons’ Wives out there willing to share their joys, frustrations, experiences?

I’m at a low point in my relationship with the church right now. Tired of Judgmental people, bullies, ungrateful pastors and having a husband has no emotional energy left for me, after spending it all on funerals, baptisms, hospital visits. He just wants to sleep when he gets home.

Ironically, I tried to join another Catholic Forum and was promptly “judged” for being a Deacon’s wife and “not in communion with the church”.

Actively seeking another religion, or perhaps none at all.

Does anyone else feel the same?
 
Hi, I’m not a deacon’s wife… so perhaps my comment will be irrelevant to you. I see you’re unhappy and I don’t want to burden you further, I would just like to recommend, if I may, that you try to learn more about the Catholic faith, because really we’re all called to put God first in our lives… above spouse and children and parents. I know this isn’t easy to accept when you’re currently experiencing a lack of intimacy with your husband, and experiencing this unkind behaviour from other sources. All things seem more difficult alone and while they’re occurring.

Everyone at some point comes across all of these issues, at various times… perhaps not from all directions at the same time, or not from all those we love and care about. I’m sure that many people do experience that kind of isolation from those they love, though. They feel like a spare part, or irrelevant. Most of these isolated moments are simply that, though, passing moments, even though they don’t feel like they’ll ever end at the time we’re experiencing it. You’re angry and we can understand your anger. It needs channeling better, though… looking for another religion would make your marriage incredibly difficult for both of you, and your children. Sometimes it’s better to step back, if possible. Could you spend time with friends or parents, to break up the isolation? Is that a possibility? Maybe you could become more active in the Church? Maybe reading? Choir? That way you could spend more time with him, even though you won’t be with him intimately. You could spend more time online with us?.. just to break up your alone time.

I hope this doesn’t come across badly. I will keep you in my prayers xxx
 
I am not a Decons’s wife but I have a lot of respect for a Decon and a
Decons’ family. The Decon spends a lot time-years-time in his formation and the family goes along ‘for the ride.’ If I could give you a medal I would and call it THE COLDEN DECONATT CROSS. If they don’t already have one they should. You have my prayers. Don’t despair.
 
Thanks for your kind thoughts, sudy. Ironically, I belonged to all of the activities that you mentioned, and even more, and I was in leadership positions. I got completely fed up a couple of years ago, and quit everything – church and all of the associated activities. I am actually getting an advanced degree now, and school occupies a lot of my time, in addition to working full-time. My kids are grown, so I’m not worried about their religion.

I’m actually happier without church and the “drama” that came with it, however, I miss my husband. If I went back, it would only be to please him, and not me. Do I sit in church and act like a “stepford wife”, or do I seek another religion/group of parishioners that I connect with?
 
Thanks for your reply. Can you recall what it was that made you feel fed up and to quit all of those activities? You don’t have to share the details, if you’d rather not… I just wanted you to remember what the initial problem was.

I don’t think sitting in Church to be a Stepford Wife would do anyone any good… yet with the issue of faith and Churches, I don’t see these things as interchangeable because one Christian faith is not equal to another Christian faith, that’s my personal perspective anyway. Christ only established one Church and he prayed for unity.

Please forgive me for asking this, but do you suppose it’s possible that some of the distance you’re feeling with your husband is, in part, the time you’re needing to spend in your studies as well as your working life, besides the time he spends in his Deacon duties? I hope that doesn’t sound accusatory, or casting blame on you in any way, because that’s far from my intentions. I just think that sometimes we can have difficulty seeing things from two sides… we tend to only see our own side and often cast the blame elsewhere.

Have you tried to have a serious discussion with your husband about this situation? A problem shared is often a problem halved… at least, so I’m told.

The ‘drama’ issue seems to be a key point. Attending Mass shouldn’t cause any drama whatsoever. Perhaps people were expecting too much from you? Especially with your husband being a deacon, and your own involvement in the activities. What do you think?

Is the issue about fellowship? Is it friendships you’re looking for when you speak about connecting with people? Fellowship for me has always been that the Church is united as one body, and that we all participate in the universal Mass.

Again I hope my questions aren’t too intrusive, I just want you to find the root of the problem. You needn’t share any details with us, I think the real person you ought to share those details with is your husband, when you know exactly what the source of the problem is.
 
As you know, it is rarely just 1 thing. The evolution started with mandatory 5 hr Saturday sessions for wives during discernment. More religion pushed at me than I could handle, as well as a feeling of just not belonging — not measuring up to the others. These feelings started pushing me away from the church, since I felt that I could never have it in my heart like all of the others seemed to. The Deacons that were in charge of the candidates were very mean, almost hazing them and treating them like army recruits. I felt that they should have been more supportive, but I observed insults, and “power trips”. Combine that with a good friend turning hostile towards my husband about something petty, and rather than speaking to him directly, emailing him and the pastor. She just kept getting more and more hostile towards him, and refused to speak directly with him, but rather email him and the pastor. The pastor is afraid of her,and just looked the other way, and did not remove her from the ministry that she clearly was not representing properly. We lost a group of good friends over this ridiculous incident, as she is the “queen bee”. Another “friend”, who is known to bash people in the parish office, attacked me via an email, and again, the pastor said that he would do something, and he would call me, yet never did, and she continues to teach the young children religious ed. The final straw was working very hard in my “spare” time for a year to plan and execute a large fundraiser, getting calls periodically from the pastor when he thought a team member was not doing what they should, but absolute no thank you call or the words ‘thank you’ uttered at the end of the successful event.

I resigned from all of my parish committees, and have not been back to that church since. I know it sounds crazy when you read it, but I was on fragile ground questioning if I belong, and these incidents served to further push me away. i kept wondering how individuals that are this hostile feel entitled to judge others, just because they attend mass every week, but behave so poorly towards others for the rest of the week. I decided that my time that was invested in the church could be put to better use on myself, and people who are nice, and grateful.

I have been seeking other religions, but have just given up entirely. School is my new ‘vocation’, and I’m enjoying that immensely. My only concern is that a part of my life with my husband is missing. I feel that I will go back once there is a new pastor, but cannot go back with the poor leadership that he has exhibited. Note — there have been a string of women my age who leave the parish each year, who have similar frustrations. We are a ‘one-priest’ parish as well.

I can’t even show my face in another catholic church, because everyone knows that I’m the Deacon’s wife from the other church, and gossip will ensue. So, I choose to remain anonymous in my home studying on my own each Sunday.
 
My husband knows the story, and my thoughts. Thanks for listening! It’s nice to get these thoughts out of my head and out in the open.

…and to anyone reading who may recognize me when they put together the pieces of this story — please don’t judge me unless you have walked in my shoes 😉
 
Not a Deacon’s wife, I could never do it not even in theory. But I do empathize with you being too angry to be spiritual following the actions and words (and sometimes ideas) of those ^^chosen ones^^ who seem to understand better, the priests who are annoyed when the prepared answers they have for different “social groups” aren’t enough or don’t impress me and the local ^^specialists^^ usually women who reside in the church and the fans (including priests) who applaud them.
I do love the prayers, what the Holy Fathers said and wish I met them, the icons our faith and all that. But the people from whom I expected… dunno… something… because they have been more religious than me, usually put me down and claim this is how it’s done. At some point I felt like I would rather burn in hell than be around certain people if they are going to Heaven.
But I do feel for the saints and all the tradition in the church and I figure that at least these impossible people managed to preserve that for 2,000 years and that helps me a great so I try to be at peace with them all and let them be. But I would never consider getting tight close to the church because I would lose most of my faith or become a witch who puts curses on everyone. At the end of the day the atheists have always turned out to be far worse than religious people, and who knows how awful I am to others?
My relationship with God is too important to trip on everyone’s ambitions at being a prophet or a saint. I just interact with them less.
I definitely feel for you and I pray for you and your husband to find each other again.
I am in EO btw and our priests usually have wives who usually do look meek and tired and probably too fed up with having to please everyone too.just like you say.
 
Deacon wife here. I can see how all those things could happen.
You are in my prayers.
It is hard to sit in the pew alone every week when your husband is at the altar.
I would like to give you advice but every couple has to work this out themselves. We have a date night and it is rare that anything interupts. Very rare. I pray for my husband at mass. He knows when I think he is doing too much. He doesn’t always agree but he always listens. Have you two been to counseling together?
 
Thank you for coming back. I don’t believe anyone here wants to judge you in any way… I certainly hope they wouldn’t in any case. We’ve all got issues and worries and problems that we have to find ways to deal with, and being judged doesn’t make that any easier.

It sounds like you’ve had a really rough ride at your parish. It’s a pity the issues weren’t been dealt with properly but we can’t control other peoples actions, unfortunately, only our own.

If you went to the other parish, couldn’t you simply say that Mass is at a more convenient time for you, if anyone should ask? Or something along those lines? Those gossiping would be in the wrong, not you for attending another Mass… we’re welcome to attend Mass anywhere we like and for any reason. I think it’s more important to attend Mass than to let any gossipers worry you. You might even find that you start to feel at home at the other parish… I’d certainly give it a go, if I were you. The first time will feel the most difficult but it’ll get better after that. Please do give it a try.
Mi_Rose said:
We have a date night and it is rare that anything interupts.
Click to expand...
I like this idea. People need to make time for one another, especially spouses.
 
So happy to hear from another Deacon’s wife!! The realization that we could no longer sit together in church was sad! I really miss sitting with him.

Our weekly date night has been sacred for many, many years now. Nothing takes priority over that!

Thanks for responding!
 
Thanks Sudy. We do enjoy our weekly date nights! I highly recommend for every couple! Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement!
 
It is hard sometimes to focus on the good on the Church and not what is going on in your interactions with other parishioners.
I could always find a kind soul or two who was oblivious to Church politics and liked me as a person.
If you believe your husband was called to be a deacon then you are along for the ride. It can be very very difficult sometimes. When life was harder for me than I ever thought it could be a wise priest told me to meditate on Jesus in the garden the night before he died. That helped.
I will pray for you. Our husbands are brother deacons and so we are sisters.
 
That’s great that you have weekly date nights with him 🙂

I appreciate that this is a long standing issue, but would you be open to discussing this matter with your husband again about the various options available to you? The thing that’s clear, underlying, is that you want to return to Church in one way or another… and surely he must want this for you, too. So, could you discuss the idea of going to the other parish with him? See what he thinks?

As far as I see it there are a few options…
  1. return to the parish where the drama is… this will feel awkward initially but is not impossible, as you could arrive just before Mass begins and leave as soon as it’s over.
  2. go to Mass at the other parish… again, this will feel awkward initially as you’re expecting some kind of gossip to ensue… but the gossip wouldn’t be something that couldn’t be nipped in the bud very quickly.
  3. continue as you are. Not a pleasant option, as you’re aware.
  4. attend another Church entirely. This isn’t a good option either, imo, as they won’t have the Eucharist… It would create more gossip than the other options, too.
There may be other options that someone else might point out that I’ve missed, or that you can think of. I also wonder what happened to these other ladies of a similar age who left the parish because of the drama… What happened to them? Did they go to the other parish? Were you close with any of them? Perhaps having a friend there could make the situation easier for you.
 
Now we know-or have always known-why the Church does not want a priest to marry. “A house divided will not stand.” Those that advocate letting a priest marry should pay attention. I truely feel for the Decon’s Wife and pray for her.
 
Thanks Mary. We are far from a house divided though 😉 We will always be united.

I think priests can’t marry, because the church was fearful of the wife taking some of the assets if ever there was a divorce. I actually think that married priests would help the church address the priest shortage, and enable churches to have just more than one priest. Having family experience would also help priests counsel people, and better understand their problems.
 
Mary888 – love your categorization of the “fan club” – been at my church too long – didn’t realize that phenomenon exists at other churches as well. Women who idolize the priest, treat everyone else poorly, and the priest is blind to their actions because he is mesmerized by their adoration for him. That is one exact thing that is going on here!

Thanks everyone for their comments. I think that there are many factors at play here simultaneously, but based on your problem solving and analysis, the main pain point at this time is my parish priest (who is unfortunately the ONLY priest). I just need to find another parish. Thanks again!
 
Many many churches have a fan club. You can go to another church. The mass times might be more convenient. You can show up right before mass if you want and leave right away or get there early and spend time praying.
I would sometimes go to another church if I was busy Saturday and my husband had the 5:00 mass.
 
It sounds as if your husband is truly dedicated to his vocation, but it doesn’t leave much time for home and hearth. I wouldn’t despair but the idea of a ‘date night’ sounds like ‘a bridge over troubled waters’ and I hope you may get to try it. Praying for you.
 
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