Any Forum Advice Re: Recalcitrant Adult Sibling?

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Fortiterinre

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For all the vigorous debate on these forums, I love the opportunity to post my personal problems and get good Catholic advice! Here goes: My 31 year-old brother has lived with me for the past two years. He had a host of legal problems relating to a bar fight and a DUI, and moved in after the con artist girlfriend he was shacked up with sold all his belongings and kicked him out. A few months after moving in, he was jailed for traffic problems after the DUI–failure to appear in court, driving without license, insurance, etc. A few months later it happened again, and at this point I told him that if he was to stay with me it meant he could not have a car, period. If he had to walk to the closest manual labor so be it, but no car. Yesterday after some beating about the bush he said that he sort of had a car and that he would need to drive at least on Saturdays because there was not adequate public transportation then. I have stuck to my guns and said no way. He has two good part-time jobs, but they are 45 minutes away, and he has known for ages that he would need to move out of my house and be closer to work if he wanted to keep these jobs. He’s doing great now–no drinking, and these are great jobs–but I simply don’t trust him to keep it up. A missed payment, etc, he’ll always have an excuse but it will be my address and last name in the newspaper again. I hate to sound shallow, but I have a fairly high profile locally and it was extremely embarrassing to me when this happened before. I work for the Church too, and this caused no end of embarrassment for me at work! I have said he needs to move out by October 1st. I feel like this is “tough love” because he is a big “limit-tester” and I don’t think this will change; three months later he will be pushing me on something else. My friends, who are generally very religious, have supported me to the tune of, “It’s About Time You Grew a Backbone!” Any advice for me? Many thanks–
 
I don’t think you did anything wrong with sticking with your guns on no vehicle, but here’s my take on it. In NJ, if someone lives with you and has a vehicle, even if they have their own insurance, if they kill someone in a motor vehicle accident, the people they live with may also be sued, and their policies come in as excess coverage…theoretically, at least here in NJ, you as the owner of the premises where your bro lives, if he greatly injured or killed someone in an MVA, could be sued (I spent a lot of time working in insurance in this state). It’s your responsibility to keep yourself out of trouble and to make certain of the security of your family.

That aside, he’s 31 and it’s not unheard of to have your own place by that age. Not that there’s anything wrong with him living with you, and if you’d like to continue having him over for dinner each night or whatever else you could do to keep it a really close family relationship, great. But as far as the car, I’m not so sure I’d risk having him live with me.

You’re also supposed to avoid scandal, but I don’t think I’d have been embarrassed in the situation described–it wasn’t you.

JELane
 
Thank you, JElane! I will mention that to him as well. He has one major accident under his belt with no legal charges, but it was a pretty bad one (he hit a street sign and totalled his car).
 
The three most important words I can say to you are: Al-Anon Family Groups

I’ll discuss it more with you via PM if you like.

BTW, I hope you also have the agreement that a single drink or a single drug and he is out immediately. No second chances, no waiting until the weekend, or any other excuse he can come up with. His belongings are on the sidewalk immediately.

And have your locks changed.

And that is also the loving thing to do.
 
I also think you are doing the right thing! Good for you to help him as much as you have. As far as being embarassed, the only one you are responsable for is you. If people want to look down on you for what your brother does, do you really need to be around them? It’s better if we find humilation in situation beyond our controll then to bring it on ourselves, I believe there is richness to be found in being brought low. There is great growth when we are made to feel small

I know things look bad now, but be supportive of his efforts and keep him in your life when he moves out. Seeing your faith and how you handle lifes difficulties can only help and strenthen him. This is why we have families!
A couple of years from now when he’s back on his feet(thanks to your help and prayers and the prayers of all who read this) you’ll look back with pride at how you helped him along his path.
 
Thank you, Rfk and Carrie. He has done really well with the drinking, although he does not participate in AA beyond what the court ordered (and I was surprised at how easy it was for him to get around that). Part of the original agreement was that any drinking or further arrests were an automatic eviction. It is the sneakiness and the outright defiance that makes me not trust him–how does one “sort of” get a car after signing an agreement not to?!
 
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Fortiterinre:
It is the sneakiness and the outright defiance that makes me not trust him–how does one “sort of” get a car after signing an agreement not to?!
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Well, I have to wrap this up quickly because my wife and kids are waiting to start good night prayers.

What you describe is classic alcoholism. The amount of advice I can give you in this forum is like urinating in the ocean, compared to the help you can get by attending Al-Anon. You have a family member who is an alcoholic. It has already had negative consequences in your life, including shame and other headaches. You qualify, please go.

BTW, the only way I know to be sure an alcoholic is not drinking is to make them take a daily Antabuse pill right in front of me so I can see they swollowed it. And even that is useless, because they’ll just switch to a different drug.

Anyway, prayer time – we’ll pray for you, and him, tonight.
 
I once heard a talk by a Navy chaplain on alcoholics. He found that they were the most convincing liars around. He had a recovered alcoholic assist him just to evaluate stories. He said, and his chief agreed, that only another alcoholic can penetrate their stories and get the truth.

An alcoholic, or any addict, is desperate and will do anything, violate any confidence, to get that fix which is essential to him.
The moral - take nothing on trust.
 
I think it’s also a control struggle. He probably does things that make you feel helpless. I think that’s the worse feeling! I have had people in my life like that and I prayed, and prayed and prayed! I prayed that God would continue to give them the grace to let Him into thier hearts. Today I can look back with a sigh of relief. Let God work in him, because you can’t change him only God can.
 
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