Any Tips For Helping A Husband Suffering From Depression?

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Friends: Some of you might know what I have been thru with my hubby lately. He has yet again, been laid off yet another job, what the 20th job lay off in our marriage? Totally a sick pattern here. Has been unemployed now for over one month. Alot is due to his disfunctional family, he never learned responsibility, is completely and utterly irresponsible, a lousy provider and protector to say the least, and also, he has suffered from depression for the past 5 years, (on medication). I am so distraught, frustratred, etc., to say the least. As I’ve written before, some of you have told me to “go out and work full time”, that perhaps “he does not have the skills needed to be an adequate provider”…Well-- This, is not possible, not an option. I have my hands completely full, taking care of 4 boys, including hubby, all it entails, plus, I have a terribly bad back, and feet problems. Is there anything else you can recommend to me to make things better? Yes, we have gone to counseling about 6 times, therapist coming back from vacation this week, hopefully, I know we need to make an appt.

Hubby re-financed our home yet again, the 4th time in 10 years just to live, pay the bills, etc., admidst his unemployment, however with an increase of house pmt. $200 per month. Very sad. Soon, I will imagine we will be foreclosed upon, and probably sent to a shelter What a mistake I made when marrying him, a total loser, sorry to say, but this is the truth. What I have been thru with him has taken a toll on my health, and I know contributed to my bad back. Now, these summer days, he sits around working on our jacuzzi deck, making a phone call or 2 whilst the re-finance $$ dwindles away. He’s basically putting zero effort into looking for a job.

What should I do? Please don’t say, I should run out and work full-time, (“pick up the slack”)…cuz this is just not an option. I do what I can, in the field of working part-time, but my health has severly suffered because of it all.

I need, and am looking for some real concrete advice. How can I deal with him? We have an appt. with his shrink next week, I almost feel he should be on disability, and I’m considering recommending it to his doctor. He takes absolutely no initiative at all with our 3 boys, NO discipline, NO spiritual leadership, my oldest son is crying out for it. Sure he plays with them, that’s great, but the things that matter are nil. I am as you can imagine completely in a very unhappy marriage. I have NO respect for my husband at this point, want no intimacy whatsoever. I just want him to be a normal husband, have a normal job to provide for us, and etc., etc.

Any advice? He is, I fear, a non-believer, he’ll go to Church but sleeps thru it. A fence sitter. I am praying for his conversion, with the help of St. Monica and St. Rita. Have for some time now, and am trying to be the best wife and mother I can, despite the awful circumstances. How I wish I could divorce him, but I know, divorce is just not an option.

Sorry to sound so desperate here.

Thx for any advice.
 
Are you ready for Couples for Christ (CFC) yet?


  1. *]It saved our marriage
    *]Straightened me out.
    *]Gave my wife strength.
    *]and taught us how to love each other again
    *]CFC-Kids - Helped teach the Children Christian values.
 
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dhgray:
Are you ready for Couples for Christ (CFC) yet?

  1. *]It saved our marriage
    *]Straightened me out.
    *]Gave my wife strength.
    *]and taught us how to love each other again
    *]CFC-Kids - Helped teach the Children Christian values.
Click to expand...

  1. Yes, I’d love to know about it.
 
Couples for Christ is certainly a good option.

But it sounds like you need your own counseling
and you both need marriage counseling.

He needs to continue working with a psychiatrist to manage his depression…that works on those symptoms…and therapy-wise it helps him face his disfunctional upbringing

Note here: Therapy works only if he tells the doctor the truth - many, many people in your husband’s situation tell the doctor only enough to pass the time and get the meds they need, they never really delve into the source of the problem…and unfortunately, too many psychiatrists let it continue that way - that’s why you get people ‘in therapy’ for 20 years or so. A ‘good’ doctor will cut through the BS and keep the person on track by facing one by one, the issues hindering the person’s progress.

You need to work with a therapist to show you what you can do for you and your children while your husband’s working on his issues. You obviously need to learn ways to relieve the stress his condition places on you - as it is affecting your health. Right now you are an enabler for your husband’s condition. Since the problem is his, you have no idea how to understand it and you don’t realize how he has manipulated you into picking up the slack so he can continue it his behavior pattern. Once you learn to recognize which behaviors you can cut off from him without hurting you or your children, the sooner you will regain some control over your situation, and the sooner he will be forced to face some issues.

Marriage counseling is something the two of you need so that you can start facing the marriage issues - who provides money/food/health care, who handles what responsibilities with maintaining a comfortable home environment, how do you work together to raise the children.

And then, it sounds like you need to speak with a lawyer or social worker to find out what you can do to save your house while your husband is dealing with his condition. Do not wait until foreclosure hits you…act now. There are many, many resources available to help families like yours - you just have to ask for the help.

The down side of all this is good therapy costs money, and without a job, that’s a big barrier. So going to a local social services agency first may be your best bet…perhaps they will hook you up with affordable quality care.

And of course, continue to pray.
 
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YinYangMom:
Couples for Christ is certainly a good option.

But it sounds like you need your own counseling
and you both need marriage counseling.

He needs to continue working with a psychiatrist to manage his depression…that works on those symptoms…and therapy-wise it helps him face his disfunctional upbringing
Click to expand...
And of course, continue to pray.
Click to expand...
I will never argue with that. CFC is a family ministry which helped my family as listed above. CFC members help & support each other.
 
Is there any work you can do from home? Would he be adverse to doing something that would bring in some money that the whole family can do together - i.e. a paper route, going out looking for recyclables (spelling?) etc.? You didn’t say whether or not he drinks…that can cause havoc with medication, even an occasional beer can be a problem.

He’s not a lose and either are you for being his wife. You are both troubled and he has troubles. Pray to St. Therese for help and I hope she sends you the roses she has sent me.
 
Eeek, you sound like me.

My husband goes through anxiety, panic attacks and depression because of a dysfunctional family. He’s in therapy again and I’ve started going because my depression is a result of his indifferent attitude towards me, our marriage, work, life, etc. He’s been doing better but it took 11 out of the 15 years of being together to convince him that he needed to talk to a professional.

In that time I was deteriorating, becoming emotionally drained and now that I’m pregnant with baby #4, things finally crashed down on me. I needed help and I sought it out. My sessions have been gripe ones with the doc. He’s offered me some good advice so far and I’m going back on the 28th.

One thing he did recommend me look into was Retrouvaille. It was neat that he suggested it to me because I never heard of it until I seen a small ad in the WNY Catholic newspaper I got from church last month and talked to my husband about it. Surprisingly he was all for it and I told my therapist about it. He was happy that there is at least some kind of desire in my husband to really work at fixing our marriage. Here’s the website: retrouvaille.org/

My advice is, don’t give up. Couples counseling is fine (did it with my hubby a couple years ago). I suggest you going for individual counseling to help you learn some good coping mechanisms and strategies to become a stronger helpmate to your husband without becoming a servant or an enabler to him. I was where you are…I refused to work full time and stopped taking care of the bills and pretty much forced him to deal with things instead of depending on me to take care of stuff. Unfortunately we went bankrupt, were evicted from our home and ended up moving back with my parents temporarily, but it woke him up to the realization that he has responsibilities he can’t ignore. His choices effect his entire family, not just himself. What I did wasn’t the best choice, I know that now, but that was the only way I knew how to get his attention. We weren’t teenagers living the highlife on minimum wage anymore, we had a child and a place of our own, a car to pay for and all kinds of stuff that he wanted but what good was it when we lost our home, lost our income, and almost lost our marriage.

Even my doctor (it’s his too) has said to me that my husband seems to respond only when there is a very real threat of losing me. That’s when he comes around. Now we have to try and work through all the hurt I’ve felt and he’ll show me how to gently build up my husband as a wife should without feeling shortchanged and bitter.

Phew…there’s A LOT of work ahead for me…and him too. But I’m not totally without hope.

So if you can, please talk to someone for individual counseling. Perhaps, like me, you can find someone who is not just a psychologist but a marriage counselor too. Once my husband and I go through our individual sessions, we’ll be coming in jointly as well.

I pray that things turn around for you. After years of having yourself put to the grindstone by your husband, the wear starts to show and you’ll become weaker. It’s so frustrating when he doesn’t see what the heck he’s done to you and won’t take responsiblity for wearing you down in the first place.

I hope for the best for you and your family. Keep praying, seeking and asking God for help. He won’t let you down. It just might take even longer than you would like to see the results you want.

May God bless you.
 
Thank you so much!!!

Kelly: Yes, I think I need to seek some counseling for ME, along with the marriage counseling and encounter weekend in the near future. I’m so relieved to hear you all say, to NOT be an enabler, by going out to work full-time. That is exactly what I get from his mom, (she thinks I should slave away at home and work full-time) whilst he stays lazy, blah blah, etc., and one of the problems is she did that with all her men, and see what happens? Shhhessh! She wears the suit and tie in the family and her hubby is a little squiggly. Unfortunately, my hubby had that as a role model, and still, unconsciously, he sits around waiting for me to be like his mom. Has trouble with umph and get-go and responsibility. I would love to know WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE HIM MOTIVATED TO BE A GOOD PROVIDER? IS IT THAT DIFFICULT? Many suffer from depression, they just get out and do what they have to. Period. I’m so sick of it!

Thanks Kelly, you are right what he has done to me is totally and completely wear me down to the point now of it affecting my health and of course my respect for him. I do try to concentrate on his good qualities, but it is most hard at times. I try to encourage, etc., maybe a therapist for me, can also give ME ways to get thru this.

I look so forward to hearing again from anyone. All of you are so helpful.
 
Sparkle,

Ever hear the saying, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”? That saying presumes you’ve got something to begin with.

Husbands thrive on the admiration of their wives. And many husbands are motivated by winning that admiration, and also the fear of losing that admiration. But, again, there has to be some admiration there to begin with.

Do you have a dog? Dogs are excellent pets because they can teach us how to be Christians. Try to be as sad as your husbands dog is when your husband goes away to work. And be as happy as your husband’s dog is when he returns.

When he does have a job, how do you treat him? Are you overjoyed? Or do you act like he is finally doing the minimum that he is expected to do?

Contemporary feminist thinking would tell you that you deserve better than this. But the fruits of that thinking are awful bitter. And there is also a lot of “mommy literature” out there that says that it’s perfectly natural for a woman to devote her attention to her children at the expense of her husband. That’s fine and dandy if she’s married to Superman. But sometimes our base inclinations are something we’re suppose to master.

God, spouse, children, self - in that order.
 
Black Jaque:
Sparkle,

Ever hear the saying, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”? That saying presumes you’ve got something to begin with.

Husbands thrive on the admiration of their wives. And many husbands are motivated by winning that admiration, and also the fear of losing that admiration. But, again, there has to be some admiration there to begin with.

Do you have a dog? Dogs are excellent pets because they can teach us how to be Christians. Try to be as sad as your husbands dog is when your husband goes away to work. And be as happy as your husband’s dog is when he returns.

When he does have a job, how do you treat him? Are you overjoyed? Or do you act like he is finally doing the minimum that he is expected to do?

Contemporary feminist thinking would tell you that you deserve better than this. But the fruits of that thinking are awful bitter. And there is also a lot of “mommy literature” out there that says that it’s perfectly natural for a woman to devote her attention to her children at the expense of her husband. That’s fine and dandy if she’s married to Superman. But sometimes our base inclinations are something we’re suppose to master.

God, spouse, children, self - in that order.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much BlackJacque! I presume you are a man???
Yes, I always try to encourage and build up my hubby! It just gets so hard when you see a constant pattern. Thx for the reminder of this and may
God Bless You
 
It does sound like your husband is a lousy husband. On the other hand, you did pick him and took vows to him.

My comment to other posters, is this–it’s easy for all of us to blame him and say what he should be doing. That is my knee jerk reaction too. However, sparkle is the one that has come to us for advice, we don’t know his side, and taking about all the things he should do would be great if he was the one we were talking to (I wish he were on here) but may increase resentment if done here. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should post from the perspective of what sparkle can do, rather than what he should do, since she can only control herself–I think that is the most helpful approach.

Sparkle, I would strongly recommend you make time for the book *“Boundaries in Marriage” *by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is great marital advice, from a Christian perspective, and gives good guidance on what you can do to not be an enabler (in other words, set up boundaries).

I think there are two seemingly conflicting actions you should take: set boundaries and offer incentives.

This is a tough situation to set boundaries in, but I can think of some that can be done. Too bad they are easier said than done.

Losing your home seems to be one of your biggest worries, and with your responsibilities for keeping the home and raising children you simply just can’t pay for it–he has to. You have no control here. The way to set a boundary here is to tell your husband that keeping the home is your responsibility, and keeping it is his, but you’ll only keep a home for him that he provides. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of your home, I’m saying you shouldn’t do it for him. What I mean is there are two smaller boundaries I think you should set. The first is that you have no obligation to do things for him when he is not working–you can leave his laundry for him, etc., since he can do those things himself if he is home too. The second is the hard one, but I think it’s fair–tell him that as long as he is providing the home, you’ll take care of it, but if you lose your house and have to move somewhere else (like with family), that he is not moving with you, and that you’ll move in with him only when he has a new home established.

Other things I think you should consider are to rethink your home. I don’t know how much upkeep you have, how expensive it is, how attached to the house you are, etc., but with no income you may need to make some hard choices. Maybe move to an apartement to cut home/tax/utilities costs, or reduce your burden by reducing upkeep time (lawncare, maintenance, etc.). It may be tough, but think of things like disconnecting cable, cutting some phone services, getting rid of cell phones, using the cheapest internet service you can find (may be good to not disconnect for job search reasons), etc. I’d hate to see you guys accumulate more debt than you have to, since it will only prolong your burden.

My wife has been reading Woman Power, and really likes it. She says its not at all what she thought. Many cringe at Dr. Laura, so I don’t know if it is for you, but since my wife has enjoyed it I thought I’d throw it out.

In all this, though, do not be bitter towards him. This is where incentive comes in. If he believes that no matter what he does, you’ll not be happy, he will just give up. As Jaque said, men often thrive on the admiration of their wives (I know I do). Set boundaries to limit his poor behaviors (at least to not enable them), but when he does good positive reinforcement will do wonders. If he sees he is pleasing you, he may be motivated to do more. Set boundaries on bad behavior, and give incentive for good behavior.

Blessings.
 
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Jay74:
It does sound like your husband is a lousy husband. On the other hand, you did pick him and took vows to him.

My comment to other posters, is this–it’s easy for all of us to blame him and say what he should be doing. That is my knee jerk reaction too. However, sparkle is the one that has come to us for advice, we don’t know his side, and taking about all the things he should do would be great if he was the one we were talking to (I wish he were on here) but may increase resentment if done here. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should post from the perspective of what sparkle can do, rather than what he should do, since she can only control herself–I think that is the most helpful approach.

Sparkle, I would strongly recommend you make time for the book *“Boundaries in Marriage” *by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is great marital advice, from a Christian perspective, and gives good guidance on what you can do to not be an enabler (in other words, set up boundaries).

I think there are two seemingly conflicting actions you should take: set boundaries and offer incentives.

This is a tough situation to set boundaries in, but I can think of some that can be done. Too bad they are easier said than done.

Losing your home seems to be one of your biggest worries, and with your responsibilities for keeping the home and raising children you simply just can’t pay for it–he has to. You have no control here. The way to set a boundary here is to tell your husband that keeping the home is your responsibility, and keeping it is his, but you’ll only keep a home for him that he provides. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of your home, I’m saying you shouldn’t do it for him. What I mean is there are two smaller boundaries I think you should set. The first is that you have no obligation to do things for him when he is not working–you can leave his laundry for him, etc., since he can do those things himself if he is home too. The second is the hard one, but I think it’s fair–tell him that as long as he is providing the home, you’ll take care of it, but if you lose your house and have to move somewhere else (like with family), that he is not moving with you, and that you’ll move in with him only when he has a new home established.

Other things I think you should consider are to rethink your home. I don’t know how much upkeep you have, how expensive it is, how attached to the house you are, etc., but with no income you may need to make some hard choices. Maybe move to an apartement to cut home/tax/utilities costs, or reduce your burden by reducing upkeep time (lawncare, maintenance, etc.). It may be tough, but think of things like disconnecting cable, cutting some phone services, getting rid of cell phones, using the cheapest internet service you can find (may be good to not disconnect for job search reasons), etc. I’d hate to see you guys accumulate more debt than you have to, since it will only prolong your burden.

My wife has been reading Woman Power, and really likes it. She says its not at all what she thought. Many cringe at Dr. Laura, so I don’t know if it is for you, but since my wife has enjoyed it I thought I’d throw it out.

In all this, though, do not be bitter towards him. This is where incentive comes in. If he believes that no matter what he does, you’ll not be happy, he will just give up. As Jaque said, men often thrive on the admiration of their wives (I know I do). Set boundaries to limit his poor behaviors (at least to not enable them), but when he does good positive reinforcement will do wonders. If he sees he is pleasing you, he may be motivated to do more. Set boundaries on bad behavior, and give incentive for good behavior.

Blessings.
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Jay: What a dear you are to even reply. I thank you friend for all your very good advice. I will take it to heart.
 
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sparkle:
Jay: What a dear you are to even reply. I thank you friend for all your very good advice. I will take it to heart.
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You’re very welcome. I’m married as well, and though I haven’t been married long, it has more influence over my happiness or despair than any other thing in my life. So I keenly understand how important it is to deal with even small issues–which is why I feel so much sympathy and concern for you in these enormous ones.

I hope I have helped in some small way. I’ll repeat one thing: try Boundaries in Marriage. Some Church’s offer a class you may be able to take. I now own the book, but I checked it out of the library before I decided to buy it. It’s wonderful, and teaches how to appropriately deal with conflicts in marriage.

Blessings to you, and good luck.
 
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