Anyone else cut loose/ estranged from family?

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Nopales1234

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Big Giant Disclaimer: I mean people who willingly (theres varying degrees o “willing”) have no contact with family due to complex issues. If you’re an angry parent/relative who has been cut off, I’m not interested in reading what you write, and out of charity I won’t reply. Not trying to be mean but because of my own experience I’m less likely to believe you and therefore be as kind as I should be.

Anyways, I permanently cut off from my parents late last year. It was sort of willingly, sort of not. I gave them one last chance to reconcile, and they chose their own pride instead. I could have stayed in contact with them, but I would have had to pretend that the past didn’t happen and that the present wasn’t happening either. It was the hardest and healthiest thing I have ever done.

I probably would have continued to be their scapegoat except I married, and then had a child. After a lot of reflection about how I was raised and how their abusive patterns had never stopped, I started limiting contact. Then my mother flat out told me she was going to do everything she could to put a wedge between my newborn daughter and I. As far as I am concerned, I had no mother growing up, and I will make sure my daughter never feels the pain I went through.

Basically, my childhood was a mess. Mostly emotional abuse (lots and lots of psychological scarring that still affects me today- she LOVED the movie Mommy Dearest for a reason) some physical abuse (slapping, belting, excessive spanking, kicking, physical threats daily) and to top it off I have discovered that she and my father financially abused me by stealing from my PLUS loans, and messing with my SS#. After the cut off, I also stopped being in denial that my mother was a pill abuser. If you were to ask them about the estrangement they’d probably blame my husband (HA!) or go with the usual “she’s an evil bad no-good daughter” for being Catholic, or graduating college, or whatever other nefarious thing I’m up to.

Not safe people to be around, can ya tell?

Anyways, questions:

Does anyone see a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation? For example, I believe it’s possible to forgive but that reconciliation can’t happen when one side refuses to take responsibility for anything.

How do you deal with questions about your (ex?) family? I don’t know of a way to say something that doesn’t involve awkwardness or invite judgement.

How do you deal with guilt, justified or not?

How do you talk with other family members when they ask about the estrangement? What about inlaws (if married).

Is there a Bible verse that has inspired you or helped you? One that was misused?

I have very few photos of my childhood. The rest are being held hostage so I’ve had to let them go. Is there something you wish you had that you don’t?

Just a few questions. I participate in an online forum elsewhere but the group is hostile to Catholics and other orthodox Christians. I would like to see what people in more similar circumstances would think about this.

Also, big hugs to anyone going through estrangement. It’s very very very tough, and I can’t see anyone doing this for anything other than serious reasons. If I hadn’t had my daughter and opened my eyes to the damage that had been done and was going to be implemented, I may have gone through life in a really bad way, perhaps repeating the cycle.
 
Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation in all circumstances. I can forgive a lion for biting my hand off, but I still have to learn to live without my hand, and I won’t get near the lion again.
Reconciliation requires willingness from all parties.
Other than that, all you can do is pray for the other parties.

You have a child now, and your child is your first obligation to protect. It is your duty, and if you feel your child is endangered by proximity to your parents, then shield her from them.
Honor your father and your mother, doesn’t mean to allow them to get by with treating you or your family in an abusive manner. Some would even say it is enabling them to continue in their sin.
The best way to honor sometimes is to not allow the negative influence to fill you with bitterness and hatred, and to live a productive, healthy life in spite of.

You will get good advice on here. I have many of the same issues, except I am an orphan now.
My heart hurts because there no longer is a possibility of ‘reconciling’ here. (maybe keep that in mind while praying for your mom)

Anyway, the people on here are very kind and understanding, and within just a few threads were able to help me tremendously. So I will leave the rest up to them, as my journey has just begun.

May you find peace.
I will pray for your family.
God bless.
 
For myself, I"m not as close to my dad as I’d like to be, but he’s such a gossip. Seriously, if I tell him anything, then the rest of the family instantly knows.

However, my relationship with my dad is great compared to my husband’s relationship with his family.

His grandmother attempted a reconciliation about 6 years ago and it was the first and last time I met my in-laws. I could totally understand why my husband wanted no contact with his dad/stepmom. I still haven’t met his natural mom. She sent a Christmas Card a few years ago and he really didn’t want anything to do with it or her. We’ve been married about 11 years.

I’ve learned that not everyone has the ideal family, but there are definitely situations where it is best cut off contact, especially if the relationship is harmful and abusive.

I feel guilty in someways because my son isn’t close to either of our families and for as much as I rag on my dad, he’s not a bad guy. My husband knows that I send pictures and brief updates about our son to FIL/stepmom. However, they never call or write back. I think everyone is okay with the situation as it is.

I’m honest with people and say I don’t go to the in-laws for the holidays because my husband haven’t spoken in years and has no interest in it. It’s his choice and the way it is.

Given that we recently found out that FIL is currently in jail, husband doesn’t feel any guilt whatsoever about cutting his family out of his life. In fact, he was surprised that his dad hadn’t landed in jail years ago.

It is what it is. Life isn’t always pretty, but we can always try to make our lives better. It sounds like that is exactly what you are trying to do for you and your child. Don’t feel guilty for stopping the cycle of abuse.
 
In our prayer “The Act of Contrition”, we say at the end “I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to sin no more and AVOID THE NEAR OCCASION OF SIN, Amen.” I have found the “near occasion” to be about behaving in a way that would bring myself or some one else into a sinful act. If I have an abusive family member and I allow them to continue to abuse me or another family member, I am assisting in a sin.

When you first realize it is abuse, (and for some of us, it takes years to realize it’s abuse) it can take a while to connect the dots. But once you fully realize that a family member is abusive, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and others from harm.

And it is hard. It’s family we are talking about, our supposed safety net. Cutting loose from family is a very difficult human action. Possible, but difficult. In many ways, when we are raised by abusive family, we are raised in an incomplete way. We have more needs and dependencies than those raised in a healthy family. So cutting loose can be scarier than just “flying away from the nest”.

Just wanted to validate the difficulty of doing the right thing.
 
I had to go No Contact with my mother a year and a half ago. I believe that she is either a narcissist, or worse, a sociopath. So I understand a bit of what you describe here.

I do believe that there is a world of difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. We can forgive someone even if they never apologize or repent. Genuine reconciliation, on the other hand, requires genuine contrition, and a demonstrated intention to change one’s behavior. If neither of those things occur in the one who offends, reconciliation is impossible. Any attempts at reconciliation in such a situation would result in setting oneself up for abuse, and would be enabling the offensive person to keep offending. But forgiveness, well, God can help us forgive without the offender ever offering any olive branches.

In my situation, I believe I have forgiven my mother. It has taken while, but it became far easier to forgive once I went No Contact, because I was not continually receiving more injuries. I could work on healing past wounds without sustaining new ones. And I prayed God would help me forgive.

Since that time, I have readmitted my mother to contact, but written communication only. She constantly tries to step across my boundaries, or to convince me to let down my boundaries. But, I see the same tactics in everything she is doing, so I know that despite whatever she says, she has not changed. I ignore or sidestep her boundary violations, and give positive responses to her positive communication. It is what works for me now, but I reserve the right to go No Contact again at any provocation, if need be. My emotional well-being and sanity depends on me being very consistent in my own boundaries.

There are many things from my childhood that I had to abandon or let go of, and I honestly don’t care, nor do I ever even think about them. They are just things, and my well-being is well worth the price of a few trinkets. At least, that is how I think about this aspect. Others may have more or less grief, depending upon the nature of the items they have lost due to estrangement.

Regarding guilt, that has passed with time. The more emotional distance I created for myself, the more clearly I could see the reality of the situation, and my false guilt subsided. I also went in for a counseling session with my pastor, who reassured me that my decision was not sinful at all, but rather, necessary. He also reminded me that my obligation is to my husband and child, and I could honor my mother by being a good mother myself, and breaking the cycle.

Regarding speaking about it with others: as a rule, I do not speak about it. I have no desire to badmouth my mother, and I do not want to make myself look like a hateful daughter, either. Generally, if asked directly, I answer vaguely, but honestly. I do not reveal all her sins, but I do give the truthful indication that all was not well and that I love her and that I tried very hard. People who have never experienced this kind of parental abuse or manipulation are not likely to understand or believe those who speak plainly about it, and the ones who do believe might then assume the victim is damaged goods (that was my experience at least when I sought comfort by talking to a one-time friend).

Anyway, that is my story. I hope it helped. I am very sorry you have to go through this, but just know, you are not alone.
 
Yes, I have many of my extended family whom I have not spoken with in many, many years. I also do not speak to my DH’s family whom we both chosen to distance from.
Its something VERY VERY hard to do.

Jesus says turn the other cheek and forgive…

I feel that I have done that by speaking to a cousin of mine years ago. Basically I wanted to tell my side of the story but instead my Grandmother’s (my moms mom) story (which was untrue) won and they did not believe a word I said.

My inlaws I have both spoken to (divorced) and try to air out our problems. We both said our piece and with their unwilling to compromise or let go we have both decided it was best to have them out of our lives. They both said they would like to part of our children’s life later on but I have made it clear with my DH that if they want no part of them while they are little then they will not see them when they get older.

I am at peace with my decisions with my family. I can only stand to be hurt so many times by people and then my skin thickens and I can’t justify getting hurt time and time again.

I have tried to make peace with the family members with no good resolution so I feel Jesus knows I did turn the other cheek.

Its not easy cutting people out of your life for whatever reason. God Bless You!
 
You can offer forgiveness to anyone, but they may not accept it. That is their choice, and the main thing is you offered. At that point let it go and continue working toward living your life in a better fashion than that you were raised with.

As far as family members asking questions, tell them the truth. If there was abuse, emotional or physical, financial or verbal, tell them and explain that you don’t care to have your daughter or any other of your children exposed to it. Tell them you sought reconciliation and they refused. Then tell them the matter is no longer up for discussion.

I knew a girl who reported both of her parents for hidious sexual abuse against herself and all her siblings. She got them put in prison for it. Every one of her sisters and brothers disowned her. She was right to do what she did, as it meant protecting newly arriving grandchildren and at the time younger siblings from the same torment she knew.

There are things that simply can’t be accepted. It does not mean that you would even stop loving someone, but it can mean they are no longer part of your life. Keep your child’s welfare first and live your life.
 
Some people have families that it’s better to stay away from. I lived far out of state for most of my adult years and had no intention of every moving back. I did not cut them off 100% but minimized contact since most of the time I had to prepare myself like putting on an emotional suit of armor before visiting.
 
It has been my experience, that many young people cut themselves off from there own family through there own choice, they create there own family through making friends,
They confide , discuss , and seek opinion and assistance from there made up family ,
When there own family is just a phone call away… Sometimes this happens through a very minor incident ,a minor misunderstanding… And gets blown out of proportion ,
Plus they relate better with people of similar age… It can be heartbreaking for the parents,
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
It has been my experience, that many young people cut themselves off from there own family through there own choice, they create there own family through making friends,
They confide , discuss , and seek opinion and assistance from there made up family ,
When there own family is just a phone call away… Sometimes this happens through a very minor incident ,a minor misunderstanding… And gets blown out of proportion ,
Plus they relate better with people of similar age… It can be heartbreaking for the parents,
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All those commas make me want to take you so seriously, like totes for real. (That’s sarcasm, in case you need to have it spelled out slowly for you) This is the first an last time I’m breaking my own rule.

Yeah I am sure that getting slapped was just a big misunderstanding. I’m sure that being kicked for not tying my mother’s shoes like she wanted because he was too fat to do it herself was really just a sad misunderstanding. So was her hoarding, and stealing pills from my grandpa, and screaming at me for no apparent reason at literally any time day or night. I’m sure it’s all in my head and I blew it out of proportion when neither of my parents cared in the slightest that I spent a week in the house of a drug addict and sexual abuser, and hen they were okay with me being around drunk, racist, addicts because family.

My “made up” family, which I guess includes my in-laws, and friends, and children, meanwhile, have never even been disrespectful. I’ve never had to worry whether someone is going to throw a chair at my pregnant belly, I can trust them to be in a car with me and not make me want to call the police, and they have stuck by me and supported me for years through very hard times. But I guess my “real” biological family should take precedence because people who really love you treat you like dirt and actively try to undermine every healthy decision you make.

If my poor parents are “heartbroken” maybe they shouldn’t have destroyed their (there is different from their, FYI) relationship with me. If they’re so heartbroken, maybe they should acknowledge what they did instead of blaming me for their abuse of me.

If you’re like my parents, and your kids cut you off, know that they are far happier than you will ever be. Know that you deserve a cut off, because you created conditions where that felt like it was the only option, and maybe contemplate that the cut off had little to do with you and everything to do with making a better life free from stupid, abusive, cruel people.

If there’s an ignore button for you, I will find it.
 
Some days I forgive more, sometimes less. What has helped is learning a bit of psychology with my theology. I had a hard time forgiving when I thought that reconciliation had to be done at the same time. Every time that happened, I got burned.

It’s helped remembering that forgiveness is a process, not necessarily a one time deal. 777 always comes to mind. It did take a long time fr me to come to terms with my abuse. I started working with young children and I was shocked that these little kids didn’t have to do hours of chores, or that they didn’t have to do adult things, or that they weren’t punished for the same things I would have been punished for. I didn’t even quite realize my own mother abused pills because it was presented as so normal and even necessary.

I struggle with what to tell my inlaws. They are very family oriented, a little enmeshed (it works for them, although my little family unit doesn’t do enmeshment) and many were raised by hardcore Mexican grannies. So some stuff they don’t recognize as abuse. When they ask about my family I usually say “I’m sure they are fine/busy” and switch the subject. Deep down I’m terrified that I I told them the truth they’d assume I will become an abuse, or that I’m not worth anything. That’s probably more my upbringing than reality.

I still haven’t talked to my brother about all of this. He is very much the ever-perfect child, so his childhood was different from mine. Plus, he’s probably scared that if he were to defend me he would take my place as scapegoat. It’s happened before, and I can’t blame him for liking the perks (getting stuff paid, affection, inclusion). I’m going to talk to a therapist before I talk to him, because I’m confused as to what he has a right to know.

The photos…I miss the photos… But I try to remind myself of friends who are refugees. They left their countries with nothing but raggedy clothes. If they are happy, I can be too.

As far as death…I don’t know how I’d feel about my parents dying. It sounds callous but I think a part of me would feel relief. I’d also be worried if they had mentioned me in the will because I want nothing from them. To me, it’s like they died a long time ago. I would love reconciliation from them, but logically I know that won’t happen. My mother and father are too self absorbed. Their pride means everything to them. I tried everything I could from when I was little all the way to adult but that is something I can’t fix. All I can do is make sure it doesn’t happen again. I don’t know though…them dying would certainly be wierd. I doubt I’d be invited to the funerals, due to religious differences.

Thanks for the replies. Nice to know I’m not the only one (and only Catholic) who has had to deal with this. I do have a lovely priest though. Explaining to him some of my family situation turne out to be a relief. His parents divorced during a time when divorce didn’t happen, so he seemed to understand that things get awkward.
 
I think what Phil was saying is that there are many adult children who have cut off their parents for reasons that can only be characterised as spurious. It doesn’t sound like you are in that position, though.

Parents being cut off by adult children for silly or no reason seems to be a recent trend. Joshua Colman, a psychologist, has written a very healing book about it, called :
When Parents Hurt.
 
Every time I read about the suffering-either physical, emotional or spiritual that family members do to their children, continue, and expect a free pass even though the childtren may now be adults, it puts a huge knot in my stomache.

No one deserves memories like this. No one deserves to be subjected to this.

I pray that there special graces for adults who have gone through abuse, and for protection of the little ones who are going through it now. People can forgive, but it is so hard. I am sure God sees the effort behind the forgiveness, even though it is not a ‘full’ forgiveness yet. It matters to Him, because we tried and keep trying in our hearts. But this forgiveness has be be from a distance-never, ever put yourself in a place where that someone can harm again.
 
I would like to reply to your comments, but not today… I have a full day,
But in a day or two I shall… I’m not offended,I understand how you feel,
And yes… ., I do use comers a lot,and I do spell their as there,
And that’s after a catholic education as well.
 
I have not had to cut all family members off in order to stay safe. I am so sorry that was your experience and I echo the sentiment of those who have stated no one should have to go through what you went through as a child.

I understood what Phil was saying. In fact, I felt awful when I read your reply to him. Later, in another one of your posts, I noticed you made a spelling error. I thought it was prudent and wise that Phil did not retaliate by pointing it out to you.

I cannot imagine the pain you are in and I know that you are going to come out the other side. I think, frankly, that you are wise to stay away from these people.

I am going to keep you in prayer. Please do the same for me. I have had to distance myself from people who claim to love me. Their idea of love is very odd. It hurts. I don’t think love is supposed to hurt.
 
I have not been in touch with my father for 3 years now. I think the best way to describe him is a narcissistic control freak who thinks that sadism means love. Good riddance. It took me a lifetime - my precious 35 years - to understand who he is and to see the reality. I am not the only victim in the family but I am the only one who has stood up to him and said enough. The others still dance to his tune and justify it by saying he is family and that they must put up with his behaviour.

This has been the most difficult thing in my life. For the first two years I spend every day rehearsing responses in my head, explaining it all in my imagination to well meaning family members and friends who in real life questioned my decision and judged me for it. I thought I was going mad. But the real life conversations happened often and after them I would go over them again and again in my head, ‘talking’ to these people, pleading for their understanding and approval. It was hellish.

What I have learned from this is that it is better to not discuss it. I had to end a friendship because the person wouldn’t stop talking about this topic and in some bizarre way twisted the story to make my father a saint and accused me of all sorts of things. There are other friends who genuinely mean well but just don’t get it (they come from normal families) and feel sorry for my father. When they start talking about it I stay silent and wait until they change the topic. It is more tricky with family members. I don’t want to go into details with my in-laws because I know they would not understand. I recently explained to my FIL’s wife that my father is an extremely toxic person and that I must protect myself and my children from him. My own relatives obviously know him although they have no clue what kind of a freak he really is, they are not that close to him. I recently had a conversation about it with my 2nd cousin and I kept the story to the absolute basics, without making him sound awful. I had no need to vent and that allowed me to be charitable in my account.

With new acquaintances and friends I say something like “unfortunately my dad is not in the picture anymore”, or “we are not in touch, it is a long and difficult story”. People normally nod and leave it at that.

The guilt. Oh, the guilt. I was raised to believe that his actions must be justified no matter what and that everybody else is at fault. That is how our family worked. I don’t think I will ever be completely free from this guilt because of how deeply engrained it all is, and my consolation is that I will eventually be completely healed in the next life. This last year has been much better. I stopped talking to myself about this and see things more clearly. I really grew up in a messed up family and I am amazed that the damage inflicted is not worse. I very much believe that God helped me and held me, even when I didn’t know Him. I believe that He wants me to break to cycle of abuse (generations of craziness on both sides of the family) and is giving me a lot of grace to carry on living in a healthy way.

I just want to add that it was motherhood that made me decide on this. I got pregnant and the craziness didn’t stop. I saw thing clearly then but still hoped I could put some boundaries in place and be in control of how my father behaves. Silly me. When I was pregnant with my 2nd I finally had enough. He started a drama over something and I refused to participate in it. This lasted for 2 weeks, during which I tried to reason with him, to explain, to convince him he should not behave that way, all in a calm tone, trying to avoid conflict. It didn’t work. He persisted and persisted and persisted and I finally couldn’t take it anymore and told him to get lost. That was the last time we spoke, 3 years ago. I didn’t contact him when my 2nd child was born, and he never tried to get in touch either. I guess he if offended and his pride is hurt.

I pray for him often (Divine Mercy chaplet) and most of the time don’t feel angry. Sometimes I get very angry, but it passes. I guess I have forgiven him. I’m not sure how much attention should be paid to my feelings so I prefer to see my will to forgive as crucial. I don’t expect him to ever change for the better so not sure about reconciliation. Even if we had some minimal contact I would never trust him enough to allow my children to have a relationship with him. Sad I know, but it is how it is.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not alone and that there are people who understand. I’m sure we will all get better eventually and know we have made the right choice.
 
I’ve got Phil on ignore now, so I’m not replying. All I will say is that I speak passive aggressive quite well, and the post was about as sensitive as popping in on an infertility forum and suggesting that “some people” need to relax and that will make the babies come. I find it next to impossible to believe that adult children just cut off their parents for frivolous reasons. Obviously, something is going on and has been going on to cause such a reaction. It’s never as simple as political ideas or other preferences.
 
I didn’t cut off the extended family entirely by choice. Not all of them are into harmful lifestyles, but unfortunately they chose sides instead of remaining neutral. I’m sure I could show up to a family event, but I would either be ignored or cornered and berated. Had that happen once already. I will not be volunteering for that again.

Have any of you had luck with therapists? I was told to seek one out that specialized in drug therapy, because they seem to have a better handle on toxic families.

I’m praying for you guys too (and even pray for my parents, even if its a “dear God, I don’t even…” Kind of prayer.)

I’m lucky that I have a friend who has lived through abuse (she has been able to reconcile for the most part, good for her!) and who understands. Otherwise I am scanty about details, because there are people who just don’t get it, and people who seem to think its not abuse once you are above majority age. Not to mention people who imply or flat out blame you as if estrangement seemed like a merry option.

My parents were there after the birth of my first baby…and the absolute rudeness they showed to me, my husband, staff, and my best friend made an impression on me even with all the after labor drugs. You’d have though I gave birth FOR them and the nurses were creeped out. Obviously I haven’t told them about the new baby, and I plan to keep it that way. At least I had the sense not to notify them until after the frat birth (they knew about the pregnancy, just not the due date) otherwise I’m sure they would have walked into the labor room and caused chaos. I only wanted one person there other than necessary staff- my husband. Anybody else, including best friend, could stay out. The low stress birth I ha resulted in a 6 hour labor so I’m doing the same with the next!
 
Nopales1234 said:
Big Giant Disclaimer: I mean people who willingly (theres varying degrees o “willing”) have no contact with family due to complex issues. If you’re an angry parent/relative who has been cut off, I’m not interested in reading what you write, and out of charity I won’t reply. Not trying to be mean but because of my own experience I’m less likely to believe you and therefore be as kind as I should be.

Anyways, I permanently cut off from my parents late last year. It was sort of willingly, sort of not. I gave them one last chance to reconcile, and they chose their own pride instead. I could have stayed in contact with them, but I would have had to pretend that the past didn’t happen and that the present wasn’t happening either. It was the hardest and healthiest thing I have ever done.

I probably would have continued to be their scapegoat except I married, and then had a child. After a lot of reflection about how I was raised and how their abusive patterns had never stopped, I started limiting contact. Then my mother flat out told me she was going to do everything she could to put a wedge between my newborn daughter and I. As far as I am concerned, I had no mother growing up, and I will make sure my daughter never feels the pain I went through.

Basically, my childhood was a mess. Mostly emotional abuse (lots and lots of psychological scarring that still affects me today- she LOVED the movie Mommy Dearest for a reason) some physical abuse (slapping, belting, excessive spanking, kicking, physical threats daily) and to top it off I have discovered that she and my father financially abused me by stealing from my PLUS loans, and messing with my SS#. After the cut off, I also stopped being in denial that my mother was a pill abuser. If you were to ask them about the estrangement they’d probably blame my husband (HA!) or go with the usual “she’s an evil bad no-good daughter” for being Catholic, or graduating college, or whatever other nefarious thing I’m up to.

Not safe people to be around, can ya tell?

Anyways, questions:

Does anyone see a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation? For example, I believe it’s possible to forgive but that reconciliation can’t happen when one side refuses to take responsibility for anything.

How do you deal with questions about your (ex?) family? I don’t know of a way to say something that doesn’t involve awkwardness or invite judgement.

How do you deal with guilt, justified or not?

How do you talk with other family members when they ask about the estrangement? What about inlaws (if married).

Is there a Bible verse that has inspired you or helped you? One that was misused?

I have very few photos of my childhood. The rest are being held hostage so I’ve had to let them go. Is there something you wish you had that you don’t?

Just a few questions. I participate in an online forum elsewhere but the group is hostile to Catholics and other orthodox Christians. I would like to see what people in more similar circumstances would think about this.

Also, big hugs to anyone going through estrangement. It’s very very very tough, and I can’t see anyone doing this for anything other than serious reasons. If I hadn’t had my daughter and opened my eyes to the damage that had been done and was going to be implemented, I may have gone through life in a really bad way, perhaps repeating the cycle.
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I do believe there is a difference. Forgiveness is something that you can do yourself, but reconciliation takes the effort from both sides. If one person wants to reconcile with another person, that’s great, but if that other person doesn’t, it works like a one-way street, and it never ends well. I say that from experience.

I usually don’t mention anything about it. My grandparents (my Mom’s parents/siblings and my Dad’s biological parents) have completely cut off all connections with us. My Mom’s sister caused the whole thing on her side of the family, saying things that were untrue about my Mom and my sister and me. It doesn’t really bother me about what she said about me, but you do not mess with my little sister and say untrue things about her. If someone asks me, I just say that things aren’t very good and I’m not really close to them, and change the subject. If they push me or want me to open up (especially if they show they’re worried) then I’ll talk about it.

Part of what happened I blame myself for, for not doing better, for not stepping up when I should have, and for letting my grandfather walk all over me and cuss me out for having no clue what was “going on” even though everything he said was a lie come to find out. I feel so guilty about not being able to help my sister more, because that’s my job as being the oldest, and now if something happens to my parents, the one to take care of her.

A great aunt I’m close to never brings it up. I never really talk about it with my family at all, either, because I don’t want them to know how hurt and upset I am about it. I haven’t mentioned anything about it since last year. My Mom would probably threaten to send me to a psychologist, and I don’t need/want that to happen right now. I have too many other things to worry about and I have good friends who give me support when I’m down.

Matthew 5:3-12.

I wish I had the ability to just go back before all of this happened and apologized for whatever I did, even though none of it had anything to do with me.

If I were in that group, I’d beat my chest with my fist two times, kiss my fist and throw out a peace sign. No one should show any hostility to someone who’s hurting, regardless of religion. Honestly, that’s really pathetic of people to do. Have you looked around your area to see if there’s a relief group of some sort you could join? I know many times local colleges will have something along those lines, or even local parishes.
 
Perhaps there are bigger issues here than what can be explained on this forum.
 
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