Aomething shocking about your spouse's beliefs?

[Annn]

Miserissima, if he doesn’t consider you or your family or your future children inferior, most of the practical implications of his attitude are out.

Also, you say there have been no indications until now. So, are you sure it’s a well-though attitude he consciously chooses to follow or can it actually have been something stupid he said? Don’t be incensed and don’t jump on the ready solution - a person who is a Ku Klux Klan candidate doesn’t marry outside his race.

This said, I can imagine what you’re feeling because it must be difficult to think that someone you love may hold you in contempt. But don’t give in to imaginations. Try to concentrate on the facts. Give the man a fair chance and some benefit of doubt.

This said, I’m a 6’4’’ tall light-brown-haired guy with rather diagonal eyes. It was more visible when I was younger.

Sometimes subtle prejudice can hurt most of all. And just because the OP’s husband fell in love with one woman of color doesn’t mean he can respect women of color (and their children) in general. A lot of the most racist people I know often say things like, “Well, there’s a Mexican in my family!” or “I have black friends!”

 

[chevalier]

Sometimes subtle prejudice can hurt most of all. And just because the OP’s husband fell in love with one woman of color doesn’t mean he can respect women of color (and their children) in general. A lot of the most racist people I know often say things like, “Well, there’s a Mexican in my family!” or “I have black friends!”

She’s not Asian, she’s white. And Asian people are hardly of colour anyway. And Mexicans aren’t suddenly of a whole different race than Americans. To be honest, I don’t even really get the whole thing with racial feelings. At any rate, as bad as it is, some xenophobia is not uncommon among any nation. It’s noticed and reacted to when it’s about skin colours, but when it’s people telling lame jokes about people from some other state with the US, or from a different country within Europe, no one really cares. Sure, people aren’t infinitely tolerant. But they aren’t inifitely trustworthy, reliable, humble, punctual, studious, courageous and a whole lot of other things. When it crosses the line, it does, but until that point, it’s better not to jump on the bandwagon and not to freak out because of the magical “r” word. This is why I’m suggesting count to ten, take a deep breath, reexamine the comments, apply some benefit of doubt, if it still hurts and it’s still bad, tell the guy he’s got to change his attitude.

 

[ChristinaM]

The shoe is on the other foot: I’m caucasian, my husband is asian, our roommate was black.

I already mentioned this to my counselor who said that I can’t change anyone.

Ah, I apologize for misreading your situation. Sadly, I have seen this too and I think this is not uncommon in the Asian community. It doesn’t excuse his racism, though.

She’s not Asian, she’s white. And Asian people are hardly of colour anyway.

What exactly is this supposed to mean? That Asians can’t be offended at racism because they’re practically white? Give me a break. I’m not one to get easily offended, but racism isn’t just about skin color, you know.

 

[Annn]

She’s not Asian, she’s white. And Asian people are hardly of colour anyway. And Mexicans aren’t suddenly of a whole different race than Americans. To be honest, I don’t even really get the whole thing with racial feelings. At any rate, as bad as it is, some xenophobia is not uncommon among any nation. It’s noticed and reacted to when it’s about skin colours, but when it’s people telling lame jokes about people from some other state with the US, or from a different country within Europe, no one really cares. Sure, people aren’t infinitely tolerant. But they aren’t inifitely trustworthy, reliable, humble, punctual, studious, courageous and a whole lot of other things. When it crosses the line, it does, but until that point, it’s better not to jump on the bandwagon and not to freak out because of the magical “r” word. This is why I’m suggesting count to ten, take a deep breath, reexamine the comments, apply some benefit of doubt, if it still hurts and it’s still bad, tell the guy he’s got to change his attitude.

I misread the OP’s post earlier on this page, but my comment still stands regardless of what race the OP is. Being attracted to one person of a certain race doesn’t mean you are tolerant of people of that race in general, or that you are sensitive about race issues.

All the Asian people I know identify as people of color. Perhaps you should pick up a history book to learn about how Asians have been discriminated against historically in this country.

 

[chevalier]

All the Asian people I know identify as people of color.

If I identify as purple, it doesn’t make me purple.

Perhaps you should pick up a history book to learn about how Asians have been discriminated against historically in this country.

Hirobayashi vs United States, anyone? SCOTUS, 1943.

 

[Annn]

If I identify as purple, it doesn’t make me purple.

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I don’t know what your racial/ethnic background is, but as a white person I don’t think it’s my right to tell other people whether they can identify as a marginalized person or not. Generally, the Asian people I know consider themselves people of color, by which I mean non-white/non-Caucasian. Are you arguing with the idea that Asian people are non-white? Or with the phrase “people of color?”

 

[Annn]

The most succinct info blurb seems to be Wikipedia’s:

“Person of color (plural: people of color) is a term used, primarily in the United States, to describe all people who are not white. The term is meant to be inclusive, emphasizing common experiences of racism. People of color is preferred to both non-white and minority, which are also inclusive, because it frames the subject positively; non-white defines people in terms of what they are not (white), and minority, by its very definition, places the subject in a subordinate position. Thus, the term has a positive connotation and is often preferred by people of color in the US to refer to themselves.”

MLK Jr. used the phrase “citizens of color” to describe non-whites in the early 60s, so it’s not exactly a new turn of phrase.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t know what your racial/ethnic background is, but as a white person I don’t think it’s my right to tell other people whether they can identify as a marginalized person or not. Generally, the Asian people I know consider themselves people of color, by which I mean non-white/non-Caucasian. Are you arguing with the idea that Asian people are non-white? Or with the phrase “people of color?”

Marginalised and of colour is not the same. When I say I can call myself purple and it won’t affect reality in any way, it doesn’t involve marginalisation. Asian people are not non-white. Some people harbour the idea that white is White Anglo-Saxon Protestant or French and hesitant about the rest of European origins, much less from outside Europe. That’s a bit narrow.

What’s important is to advance the notion of community, not advance potentially divisive minority pride sentiments that can easily turn into a kind of racism in their own right.

The most succinct info blurb seems to be Wikipedia’s:

“Person of color (plural: people of color) is a term used, primarily in the United States, to describe all people who are not white. The term is meant to be inclusive, emphasizing common experiences of racism. People of color is preferred to both non-white and minority, which are also inclusive, because it frames the subject positively; non-white defines people in terms of what they are not (white), and minority, by its very definition, places the subject in a subordinate position. Thus, the term has a positive connotation and is often preferred by people of color in the US to refer to themselves.”

MLK Jr. used the phrase “citizens of color” to describe non-whites in the early 60s, so it’s not exactly a new turn of phrase.

Never said it was new and it’s probably as old as the times when the so called “free people of colour” emerged (people who were not white and not in the status of slavery). And that’s about the break of the 18th and 19th century as a rule of thumb.

Positive and negative notions of adjectives and names change. “Negro” used to be neutral, “black” is found offensive by some. You could very well argue that the whole idea of “colour” is racist and one can’t deny the fact it’s still defined by a reference to whiteness. The lack of colour is in reality black, not white (I’m talking in terms of the specifics of a colour, not in terms of the pigment in the skin). Therefore, strictly speaking, there should be black people and people of colour, including whites. However, the concept of “colour” with regard to people, uses the traditional notion that white is supposedly the lack of colour. Therefore, it still defines people as white and the rest.

Shuffling names won’t solve anything. One absurd example is using the term “Afro-American” with regard to a person who’s never been on the American continent.

 

[noclevername]

The shoe is on the other foot: I’m caucasian, my husband is asian, our roommate was black.

I already mentioned this to my counselor who said that I can’t change anyone.

Sincere thanks to everyone who has replied!

THat’s what I was. I stated in my other post. I am caucasian and my ex is Korean. But my ex never had feelings like you say yours does. Maybe he has gone through some racial discrimination and he is scared for his children. The asian gene is dominant and your kids will more than likely be asian looking as well. I really think the two of you should hang out with other mixed race couples like yourself. You will be amazed at how much it will help.

 

[Miserissima]

Shnikeys! Thanks to everyone who has replied. I didn’t mean to cause anyone here to get prickly. I know it’s a sensitive topic…that’s why, in the beginning, I avoided mentioning specific races. I only later mentioned them for clarification. I can’t believe how this thread took off, and became somewhat vitriolic.

No doubt, between my husband and I, race is an important factor. However, my issue isn’t with that. My original questions had to do with dealing with learning of one’s spouses’ prejudices…whether it’s against chicken, or pork, or beef, when they’ve been acting as if they enjoy eating it for years.

It’s about the revelation of what were obviously deep-seated and private feelings, not about pedantic nomenclatures, marginalization, shuffling names, or what is considered offensive.

Now, I am not looking to excuse his behavior, but will take into account his personal experiences, his cultural background, and his parent’s teaching, for these all have a distinct bearing on his perspective. BUT the issue remains that he is not the person I thought he was.

Again, it’s not about what color anyone is, or what they personally prefer to be called. It’s a marriage issue, and that’s what I came to ask about.

I stated in my other post. I am caucasian and my ex is Korean. But my ex never had feelings like you say yours does. Maybe he has gone through some racial discrimination and he is scared for his children. The asian gene is dominant and your kids will more than likely be asian looking as well. I really think the two of you should hang out with other mixed race couples like yourself. You will be amazed at how much it will help.

Your post gave me the “kick” to say it out plainly and name races.

Thinking about it, I posted that I knew his dad had problems with people of different color, nationalities, cultures, etc., but I chalked it up to being old-fashioned and from an unbelievably insular community and culture. I really, really didn’t think that his prejudices ‘rubbed off’ onto his son. I think what bothers me the most is how insidious these prejudices were sneaking around.

I did join a group at a local Christian church specifically geared for mixed-race couples, but it doesn’t seem to have the steam and scope yet. Out of 60 members, I’m the only caucasian female at the Wednesday meetings and I’ll tell you what: I’m looked at like I have a third ear growing out of the middle of my forehead. Being a white female and married to an Asian man is still being in the minority (no pun intended).

I have no doubt that he is concerned for his children. You’re not going to find us in a WASP community any time soon. However, I don’t think he realizes that if I had to “get over” my upbringing to be openminded enough to…marry outside of my race. (In fact, I never was attracted to Asian men in particular.) I am attracted to men of good character, faith, and morals, no matter what the packaging is.

That’s the kind of love we’re called to give as Christians, whether it be platonic or romantic love: look past the packaging. I am disillusioned because I thought my spouse shared the same values.

Again, it’s less about race proper and more about one’s spouse revealing something you’d never think of them. I am sorry it was such a sensitive example I gave.

 

[Annn]

Shuffling names won’t solve anything. One absurd example is using the term “Afro-American” with regard to a person who’s never been on the American continent.

Who does that? No educated person I’ve ever met. And the term "Afro-American hasn’t been in popular usage since the 70s, anyway.

Asian people aren’t, and have never been, white. They are not counted as white on any census I’ve ever seen. I’m very confused as to how and where you got your ideas. Do you consider Bobby Jindal to be white? Amy Tan?