Apology to my cousin -- how hard do I have to go?

[Mamamull]

Hi,
Five years ago, my seven year old daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly.

My cousin called me on the day before the funeral and told me she had marital troubles. She let loose a string of obscenities about her husband and then asked for my advice. I was more than a little over-whelmed with my own struggles at the time to give advice.

She persisted, I declined and then I asked if she could wait until I buried my daughter. She replied, “Sorry I bothered you.”

Honestly, if I wasn’t related to her, I would have nothing to do with her. However, I know that I have to forgive. I did my time working on regaining my new normal self and finally was able to write an apology letter for my side of the problem.

Evidently my cousin moved almost two years ago and I don’t have her new address. Neither does my mom or my brother.

So, how hard do I try to get this letter to her? I checked property info by online searches. That is how I found out that she had moved and when. I couldn’t find an active address for them now - some undeveloped property in their name with no address assigned as yet.

I don’t know what my step would be, but do I have to beat myself up more to let her know I am trying to repair our relationship?

Thanks,

 

[Benedictus]

You have nothing to apologize for. Your cousin was acting like a creep. Have nothing to do with creeps. When the cousin apologizes to you, then things will be different. This has nothing to do with foregiveness. You can forgive someone and still have nothing to do with him or her.

 

[LittleDeb]

What a thoughtless cousin. I agree. Have nothing to do with her. If you want to hold on to the letter just to have if she ever apologizes then that is fine. I really don’t see anything you have to be sorry for! For your own sake, please forgive her thoughtless and downright cruel behavior.

I hope it is not out of line to say this. You have a blessing now of a saint in heaven praying for your healing. I am sure your precious daughter is interceding for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Mom_of_one]

First, let me say that I am sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Second, your cousin is a creep. OK, maybe that’s blunt, but oh well.

Third, you have done enough. If you believed that it was important to apologize for snapping at her because of the horrible stress you were under, great. But you really don’t need to go way out of your way to find her. How much more can you do, really? Hire a private detective?

My advice would be to leave it in God’s hands. Keep the letter and pray. Let Him know that if this is His Will, you will send it to her, but He has to let you know how to get it to her. Believe me, He has His Ways.

 

[otm]

whether or not you cousin was a creep - and I might say that she may have been under more stress than she could handle, to the point that she had no ability to focus on the fact that you were in tremendous pain and in no position to help her - apologies are always important; and they are probably more important to the one apologizing that the one in (apparent) need of the apology.

I sould suspect that if she is a cousin, someone in the family wiol be able to locate her; it all depends on how badly you want to persue the issue.

and as a suggestion, and I mean this charitably, you might have some third party, not a friend or family member, read the apology before you send it. It would be a very strong person who could write one in the circumstances you were in, and not do some sort of subtle “gotcha”. and I say this because were it me, I would probably have to do that.

And if I recall the Gospel admonition, we need to apologize 70 times 7 times… and I don’t recall any exceptions for creeps.

 

[Benedictus]

otm:

And if I recall the Gospel admonition, we need to apologize 70 times 7 times… and I don’t recall any exceptions for creeps.

Replace ‘apologize’ with ‘forgive’ and you’ll have the verse right. There’s a difference. The O.P. didn’t do anything she should apologize for.

Btw, forgiveness doesn’t mean that one should pretend like nothing happened. If it did, then we’d be morally obligated to hire child molesters as baby sitters.

 

[Mamamull]

Thanks all. I know that I really only reacted to her nastiness. She did get me alone for a few seconds on the day of the funeral and apologized for being snotty.

I told her that the real issue was imposing on me at that time. She did a little kid thing and said I was her big sister. I coldly said, “No, I’m not.” and turned away.

I blocked her phone number from my phone for about six months. I did think she was out of line, but I have felt that I had been less than Christian to her – even though she is the reason I first wanted caller ID on my phone. Gee, that is something I hope no one else ever thought of to say about me.

That she moved without notifying my mom is striking, but my mom didn’t exactly give her dispensation either for her poor behavior.

I know my behavior is not the worst, but I am so good at guilt that I knew I would make a wonderful Catholic before I converted.

Thanks again.

 

[puzzleannie]

forgiveness is something you do internally, you do not necessarily have to contact the other person. what you do is stop judging her, and stop being hard on yourself, give up clinging to the hurt that was done to you, and free yourself spiritually from the damage this memory is doing to you. no need to involve her at all if it is impossible or if it would cause further problems.

 

[masterjedi747]

Mamamull:

I couldn’t find an active address for them now - some undeveloped property in their name with no address assigned as yet.

So? Just wait a while longer and see if/when the address comes up. And if not…shrugs

 

[otm]

Benedictus:

Replace ‘apologize’ with ‘forgive’ and you’ll have the verse right. There’s a difference. The O.P. didn’t do anything she should apologize for.

Btw, forgiveness doesn’t mean that one should pretend like nothing happened. If it did, then we’d be morally obligated to hire child molesters as baby sitters.

You are right, the quote is forgive, not apologize.

However, I would suspect that Christ indtended that the forgiveness be communicated.

I am not suggesting that she act as if nothing happened. The cousin was insensitive to an astounding degree - well, maybe not astounding, as people seem to consistently be unable to identify with someone dealing with the loss of a child - but I also know that there is a tendency in many of us (there may be a few saints out there) to make an apology (and therefore the forgiveness) less than complete. I have seen children do it: “I’m sorry I hit you, but you hit me first”; listening to the apology, there is no sense of forgiveness; only a ritualistic “my mother said I had to apologize so I am going to say this but I don’t mean it whole-heartedly”.

From a later post, it appears that the cousin made some effort to apologize, but the poster not only didn’t forgive her, but carried the grudge for some time. She now has extracted her pound of flesh.

So ity goes a bit deeper than just saying “I’m sorry”. I think that there is need for healing on both sides, and the cousin made some attempt at the funeral to apologize, and given her phone calls were blocked or intercepted and communication was cut off, the cousin may have tried a number of times later to apologize.

So I disagree that the poster did nothing she has to apologize for. The cousin attempted to apologize and got told to shove it. She then made repeated attempts to contact the poster, and was rebuffed repeatedly.

And you think the poster has nothing to apologize for?

She is entitled to every ounce of grief for the loss of her child, but she has used that grief as an excuse to continue punishing the cousin for what the cousin appears to have repeatedly attempted to resolve.

Unless the cousin is more mature that the poster has acted, this rift will not really be healed without a humble apology by the poster. And given that it was the immaturity of the cousin that caused this in the first place, I, for one, would not hold my breath.

Grief is an extremely deep emotion. It almost literally makes one crazy. I am not trying to fault the poster; she has been very honest. Lashing out at her cousin is understandable but not justifiable.

I don’t require anyone to pretend that something did not happen that caused the reaction they are apologizing for; but this isn’t about pretending. When you apologize for your reaction, which was engendered by something the other person did, it should be accompanied by forgiveness. And the apology is not accompanied by forgiveness if you take subtle, or not so subtle pokes at the other one saying, in effect “this is all you fault, and I am blameless”.

I agree that forgiveness doesn’t require one to hire a child molester for a baby sistter, but your analogy breaks down rapidly; the cousin was insensitive, but was punished when she attempted to apologize, and was repeatedly rebuffed afterward. that hardly puts her into the category of a child molester.

And if you feel the poster’s reaction was justified, then I feel for your friends and relatives.

 

[Mamamull]

It is true that I blocked calls, I wanted her to cool off – she was mighty upset with me for allowing myself to have a day to be somewhat selfish. I didn’t want to have to explain that her snottiness – that was what she apologized for – was not the whole issue. She seemed to remember me pledging to be her big sister from when we were kids. I don’t remember, unfortunately.

When I told her that I didn’t think she should have called me for marital advice -period - then she pouted and said I was her big sister. I wanted to scream that little sisters care about their big sisters, but I didn’t scream and just got a bit icy.

I had always hoped she would sit down and write a letter to me – that having the formality of seeing her conversation on paper that she might get a deeper understanding. She never emailed or snail mailed. She didn’t talk to my mom or my sister in law, either, though. They didn’t block calls.

The deeper issue is that her parents had died about a 18 months before this. I didn’t realize then that her unresolved grief would manifest in such a way.

I erroneously thought she might stop being the black hole of emotional need for just a few days when I experienced my loss.

Yep, I have been angry. I knew I needed to do something. I had my own junk to work through first. I did more than sit around and cry. I have a wonderful friend who is a grief counsellor and had been my pastor. Ken helped me to get through the unjustified guilt – his number one couseling issue. I had to work on myself before I could work on my issue with my cousin. I had to sort out what was the key issue and how do I apologize and lovingly explain her transgression. Ken told me that if I addressed her trangression that I had to speak as Jesus would. You can bet many of my Eucharistic Adoration times were spent asking Jesus to teach me love and mercy.

I can try to watch the new building site to see if anything comes of it. Who knows, it just might happen. I can save the letter in the meantime.

Thank you – all of you. I knew that I would be challenged and understood somewhat.

It was a tough time and I had much to work through. I also had an over-whelming amount of thank you notes to write – I kind of burnt out after three months of daily note writing. It was interesting, but I kept writing that each person was very special to Claire – kind of made me pleased to have had a kid like that.

I miss my daughter, she was cheerful and like a ray of sunshine. She loved shoes and shopping. She always wanted to go out for dinner, but she was actually g-tube dependent – like Terri Schiavo - so she didn’t really do more than taste food. So eating out was just an extravagence for her – save the social aspect of it.

I ask her to intercede for me. She helped get her Grandpa back to the Church after a forty year sabbatical. I know she will help me get through this, too.