I
irwinclan
Guest
What would be an acceptable form of discipline for an 8 year old boy that has been talking back and yelling at his mother with increased frequency? He has 3 younger siblings that are observing this behavior
- Status
P
pensmama87
Guest
Some of it is going to depend on what he’s experienced thus far in terms of discipline. Truthfully, if he hasn’t been disciplined much or if he doesn’t have consistency in application of household rules and values (does he know what those are?) then a big huge punishment is not going to make much sense to him. What has been tried thus far?
My first instinct (and I do this with my 3 year old), is to say that he must go to a place to calm down until he is able to speak without yelling or being insulting, and consistently enforce it, as calmly as possible. Even model it yourself - if you’re getting heated, say, “I’m sorry, we will need to discuss this later when I am calmer.” Responding by yelling back is just going to escalate the situation.
My first instinct (and I do this with my 3 year old), is to say that he must go to a place to calm down until he is able to speak without yelling or being insulting, and consistently enforce it, as calmly as possible. Even model it yourself - if you’re getting heated, say, “I’m sorry, we will need to discuss this later when I am calmer.” Responding by yelling back is just going to escalate the situation.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Yes–that is, the main thing to do is to stay calm and simply refuse to hear anything he has to say in that condition. Treat him as if he were regressing into baby babble or having a toddler tantrum. Deny him the privileges he has because he is eight and not tantrum-age. “If you cannot act more grown up than that, you are not going to be treated as if you are eight years old and not a little kid. Grown men treat other people with respect, and especially their mothers.”
“You are not going to grow up just by getting taller. You have to learn self-control, too, and it does not just come to a man out of the sky. You have to decide to do it and it takes a lot of practice. The men who are admired most by other men are the men who control themselves the best, the ones who use their temper to do good and protect others, not the ones who go around screaming when they get upset. The best men are the ones who started learning how to be men when they were your age, not the ones who wait until they sprout a beard and still don’t have that figured out.”
“You are not going to grow up just by getting taller. You have to learn self-control, too, and it does not just come to a man out of the sky. You have to decide to do it and it takes a lot of practice. The men who are admired most by other men are the men who control themselves the best, the ones who use their temper to do good and protect others, not the ones who go around screaming when they get upset. The best men are the ones who started learning how to be men when they were your age, not the ones who wait until they sprout a beard and still don’t have that figured out.”
C
cargau
Guest
You should use the least amount of punishment that manages to get the message across. Parents often struggle with the fear that disciplining kids will make the kids despise the parents. Or they try too hard to be a “friend”. Then they get frustrated when kids behave like little brats.
If time out doesn’t fix it, take away a meal or even a swat across the rear end. Make sure that you are consistent. Don’t say one thing and then change. Also, make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page. Agree beforehand to support each other even if one feels that the other is wrong. Those disagreements should be aired privately.
Remember, as the parent, you have the God given authority. Don’t squander that gift. You and your children are not equals. Be firm, even handed and again, consistent.
If time out doesn’t fix it, take away a meal or even a swat across the rear end. Make sure that you are consistent. Don’t say one thing and then change. Also, make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page. Agree beforehand to support each other even if one feels that the other is wrong. Those disagreements should be aired privately.
Remember, as the parent, you have the God given authority. Don’t squander that gift. You and your children are not equals. Be firm, even handed and again, consistent.
Q
qui_est_ce
Guest
Wash his mouth out with soap.
E
EmeraldOak
Guest
I have an 8 year old daughter, this is what I do with her when we are having an ongoing issue. I clearly explain and give examples of what is acceptable and what is not. Sometimes I role play because she honestly doesn’t understand what she sounds like when she talks to me. So I just have to act it out & say this is what you sound like… Once I’m sure she understands I say the next time you do this you are going to lose blank (computer game privileges?) for blank (2?) days. (Obviously pick something that he would really miss and for a time you deem appropriate). Then I say “so if you do this again, what is going to happen?”. Then I make her repeat back to me what her consequence will be to be sure she understands. Then comes the hard part - stick to it and following through with the consequence if the unacceptable behavior happens again. That’s the hard part for me but once I’m sure she was explained calmly and understood the consequences I have less false guilt with following through on what I said was going to happen. Hugs to you. This parenting thing is hard. 
H
HCTC
Guest
With my own children and now with my grandchildren (who are more respectful than my own children were at the same age) I find that bending over to the child’s eye level; making good eye contact; touching the shoulder or back; and saying in a low, even tone of voice, “Use your inside voice, please” will stop most yelling.
I need more information about the talking back. Is there a pattern or category of situations in which your son talks back to his mother? It should be impressed upon him that as the older brother, he has a responsibility to set a good example for his younger siblings.
I need more information about the talking back. Is there a pattern or category of situations in which your son talks back to his mother? It should be impressed upon him that as the older brother, he has a responsibility to set a good example for his younger siblings.
A
anixx
Guest
We get to piunish people…:nunchuk:
Joking aside, I have taught at school and it’s one thing when you have one child talking back, it’s another when there are several. But what I found is that what you say, you must do. Even if it’s not what you would like to do. According to the ancient principle, lex dubia, lex nulla, if a law is uncertain, then it is null. If you set a bar, keep it. But also, watch out to what you say. If in a fit of anger you state something, then you are bound to keep your promise, or get to a point where you are not taken seriously. Of course, this means don’t go at extremes. But set a rule in house: Whenever someone is disrespectful to mom, he is to be deprived of a right for an amount of time. But more important is to teach the children to be respectful, especially with mom.
Joking aside, I have taught at school and it’s one thing when you have one child talking back, it’s another when there are several. But what I found is that what you say, you must do. Even if it’s not what you would like to do. According to the ancient principle, lex dubia, lex nulla, if a law is uncertain, then it is null. If you set a bar, keep it. But also, watch out to what you say. If in a fit of anger you state something, then you are bound to keep your promise, or get to a point where you are not taken seriously. Of course, this means don’t go at extremes. But set a rule in house: Whenever someone is disrespectful to mom, he is to be deprived of a right for an amount of time. But more important is to teach the children to be respectful, especially with mom.
T
Tom_Baum
Guest
I consider myself probably the last person on the planet to be able to answer this but one thing that I do say is that there is no such thing as a “one size fits all” discipline.
Not only should the “discipline” fit the situation but it should also fit the person to whom it is applied.
For some a “look” or a “word” is more devastating than anything else could possibly be and for others it is absolutely meaningless.
Not only should the “discipline” fit the situation but it should also fit the person to whom it is applied.
For some a “look” or a “word” is more devastating than anything else could possibly be and for others it is absolutely meaningless.
N
Nacho45
Guest
Do you want the correct or the politically correct answer?
A
anruari
Guest
I’m a big fan of structure and consistency in discipline. That is far more important than what sanctions are applied after a transgression warrants a punishment.
that said I’ve tried smacking. Removal of toys TV or other privileges and “time outs”
I’ve found that time outs within a structured discipline system are by far the most effective and best sanction of first resort.
But that is within a clear structure of:
I’ve seen this work with pre teens from the most troubled backgrounds
that said I’ve tried smacking. Removal of toys TV or other privileges and “time outs”
I’ve found that time outs within a structured discipline system are by far the most effective and best sanction of first resort.
But that is within a clear structure of:
- known rules
- a verbal warning
- a slow count to 3 to give the child a chance to respond
- sent to the naughty step or chair with the reason understood
- 1 minute time out per year of age. 8 mins for an 8 year old. max 1 minute for a 1 year old
- child must stop any freak out and submit to a calm timeout for the allotted time
- Go to the child at end of time. He must explain why he was punished. If he can’t it must be explained again until he can explain it back.
- child must apologise to the parent and any hurt party (eg other kid he hit)
- cuddle and make up
- Once the process is over that’s the end of it… don’t go back over or re sanction for earlier mistakes forgiveness is key.
I’ve seen this work with pre teens from the most troubled backgrounds
A
anruari
Guest
That said my rules also include:
if my child causes direct harm or risk of harm to them self or another child they will receive an immediate slap on the hand or buttocks e.g running onto the road.
If tine outs don’t or can’t work other sanctions will be used which may include a slap or the removal of privileges such as access to the Tablet computer.
Within the structure of a weekly performance chart too many timeouts or specific named transgressions will loose the chance to earn a star for that day under the “be good” category
The performance chart includes assessment of school/nursery performance, chores, other routines and rewards prolonged good behaviour linked to prizes, pocket money, or other earned privileges earned over a time period suited to the age of the child.
if my child causes direct harm or risk of harm to them self or another child they will receive an immediate slap on the hand or buttocks e.g running onto the road.
If tine outs don’t or can’t work other sanctions will be used which may include a slap or the removal of privileges such as access to the Tablet computer.
Within the structure of a weekly performance chart too many timeouts or specific named transgressions will loose the chance to earn a star for that day under the “be good” category
The performance chart includes assessment of school/nursery performance, chores, other routines and rewards prolonged good behaviour linked to prizes, pocket money, or other earned privileges earned over a time period suited to the age of the child.
Q
QuasiCatholic
Guest
Talking back seems to me to be a learned behavior?
Does the child’s father give his mother attitude when they’re fighting or otherwise ignore her requests or disparage her?
I think boys tend to treat their mothers the way the see their dads treating them.
Does the child’s father give his mother attitude when they’re fighting or otherwise ignore her requests or disparage her?
I think boys tend to treat their mothers the way the see their dads treating them.
C
Cricket2
Guest
I have to suggest a time out, followed by some loss of privilege, say watching a favorite show or cartoon, playing outside for 30 minutes when that time comes, or computer time (games). The time out should occur immediately and be around 10 minutes. This requires an explanation of why it is being given.
After the time out, there needs to be a reminder that yelling at mom is unacceptable and further that other consequences include the loss of what ever privilege has been decided on. Personally I find even this a little to mild, as yelling at a parent was something we knew better than to do by the time we hit the age of 3. It always surprises me when kids are this old and having this problem.
I know however, that they can learn it from other kids and may just be giving it a try. So certain, well defined action is a must. And each situation will certainly hold it’s own reasons and possible removal of privileges. A little one we watch will yell sometimes because she wants something faster than it can be given. That results in a time out for about 4 minutes as she is 4 years old, and the loss of what ever she was asking for.
It only took about 2 times of that and we have already nipped this behavior in the bud. It does take persistence and repetition, but the results are worth it.
After the time out, there needs to be a reminder that yelling at mom is unacceptable and further that other consequences include the loss of what ever privilege has been decided on. Personally I find even this a little to mild, as yelling at a parent was something we knew better than to do by the time we hit the age of 3. It always surprises me when kids are this old and having this problem.
I know however, that they can learn it from other kids and may just be giving it a try. So certain, well defined action is a must. And each situation will certainly hold it’s own reasons and possible removal of privileges. A little one we watch will yell sometimes because she wants something faster than it can be given. That results in a time out for about 4 minutes as she is 4 years old, and the loss of what ever she was asking for.
It only took about 2 times of that and we have already nipped this behavior in the bud. It does take persistence and repetition, but the results are worth it.
N
NFPWife
Guest
You’ve gotten lots of good advice here, I’d add that you might want to say, “Hey! That’s my wife! No one is talking to my wife like that. Especially one of our children,” and then apply your consequence. (It makes an impression - on everyone 
)
One strategy I like is to put a piece of paper on the fridge and pick a short word (or use 1, 2, 3) and when the back talk occurs write one letter (or number) on the paper. When he gets the word (or a “3”) then remove something he likes for 24-48 hours. I’d start with a new sheet of paper each morning and then slowly stretch the time for a new sheet; every other day then, finally, down to one sheet on Sunday. If he gets the word before Sunday, he gets the consequence and a new sheet the next morning. Starting over on Sunday.
I used to do b-e-d with my nephew and he’d go to bed a half hour early once he got the word. He never got beyond an e and the behavior I was targeting stopped completely in a very short amount of time.
)One strategy I like is to put a piece of paper on the fridge and pick a short word (or use 1, 2, 3) and when the back talk occurs write one letter (or number) on the paper. When he gets the word (or a “3”) then remove something he likes for 24-48 hours. I’d start with a new sheet of paper each morning and then slowly stretch the time for a new sheet; every other day then, finally, down to one sheet on Sunday. If he gets the word before Sunday, he gets the consequence and a new sheet the next morning. Starting over on Sunday.
I used to do b-e-d with my nephew and he’d go to bed a half hour early once he got the word. He never got beyond an e and the behavior I was targeting stopped completely in a very short amount of time.
D
dconklin
Guest
I feel the same way. My daughter has begun to use my sarcastic type of humor but has not learned the subtle nuances yet. It gets her in trouble sometimes.
- Status