Are arranged marriages really a bad thing?

[dconklin]

When I was in school 20 years ago I dated a girls whose family/parents were part of a Catholic ‘community’. She jokingly told me after our 2nd date, “Ok, now we have to get married.” I guess marriages were arranged within the community. I remember that many of the communities were dificult to join. Being Catholic was only one of the requirements.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I would not be married to my DH today under the OP’s requirements, as we would never have met. His mother did not like me, his father and stepmother did not like me. My father at that time did not like anybody with a college education, so my DH was on his “list”. I would probably be trapped in a marriage to a man I called “cousin” for most of my life. He was a nice guy then, was good looking as a young man (not that I was hard on the eyes). But he was so wrong in a lot of ways for me!

DH is a student of Japanese life. Younger, urban Japanese do not always have arranged marriages. And the arranged marriages of all Japanese are not necessarily happy, as Gearoidin pointed out. I know too many Italian arranged marriages also utilized the proverb of a good husband is healthy and absent. Wiodws might have worn black, but they were not necessarily unhappy for their Guidos or Guissepes, who had gone before them.

There is a way to assist couples in meeting each other within family groups without resorting to marriage brokerage. People used to give a series of parties for their marriage-aged children, known as a season. These parties were anywhere from simple barn dances and community taffy pulls, to elegant balls of debutantes. It would certainly be a little effort for a group of boomers to get together and form such a group, hosting game nights, group movie dates, dances, swim parties, days at a horse barn, community volunteer work. But the results might be well worth it, as these adult children placed together in circumstances that do not obligate them to the same level as dating.

 

[TravisandJill]

Both of my parents didn’t want me to marry my DH, to the point that my mother actually ran into the courthouse screaming “Dont do it”…and no I am not joking. But now after 7 years DH is their favorite son in law! Sometimes I get the feeling they mightlike DH more than me
So if my parents had their way I would not have my wonderful hubby…but of course now that I am married and have children, arranged marriages sound like a great idea for my kids

 

[Lovemyfaith]

As good looking, sophisticated, funny and fun my husband was when we were dating and first married, I am so much more in love with him now. Watching him work his butt off for us, raising our children together, growing older together, all that other stuff, makes me know how lucky I am. So I think that it is very possible to grow into a more complete love that has very little to do with what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. This is assuming both people have the same goal of spending the rest of their lives together.
Personally, I would love to narrow down the future spouse pool for my kids, and that is just from the experiences I know and hear about all the time. My first priority would be to find some nice catholics who have a sense of family, don’t litter and have some goals. I think people who arrange marriages for their children, for the most part, have their children’s best interest in mind.

 

[Sierrah]

Would suit me but if sounds good to you go for it.

 

[duskyjewel]

I wonder how people who are in marriages in which they did not marry for love but had their spouses chosen by someone else, deal with the **inability to receive intimacy **from their spouse in the way we receive it. If the marriages are loveless (I’m not trying to generalize but anyway), what does one do when you want sexual love and the other peripheral acts of intimacy but the only spouse you have is someone you don’t really love?
…

Some people who advocate this kind of marriage may say that chemistry “dies” over time anyway, so there are other factors to consider

LadyBug, it is possible for two people who don’t initially have “chemistry” or physical attraction to one another to develop it. I bolded the red part above because there is no such thing as “inability to receive intimacy” from one’s spouse. There is a choice to not receive offered intimacy, to actively reject it, or to ignore that part of the marriage.

As for the second part about chemistry dying over time, it can also grow from where there was none. And chemistry dying in a marriage is not an inevitable event anyway… it is a choice that people make to LET it die… some even actively kill it off.

When I first started dating my husband, I didn’t think he was that good looking. I had basically given in to a persistent guy who wouldn’t stop asking me out. I think I was figuring on going out with him, us not having a very good time, and finally getting him off my back. Silly me… Anyway, as we kept dating and I got to know him more and more, he gradually turned into the best looking guy on the planet. Our physical attraction was and is the most powerful I have ever felt. But it developed over time. We didn’t start with a bang, but the “bang” developed anyway.

I am not really in favor of arranged marriages, but I don’t think that finding oneself in an arranged marriage to someone one is not particularly attracted to is the death knell of physical intimacy on all the levels you describe. One has to make a choice to want it, be open to it, and pursue it. I think if one were to do that, most of the time it would grow together with the couple’s history and experience of life together.

 

[samovila]

In my experience, real love begins after you’re married when the cloud of enfatuation finally settles down. So “marrying for love” seems to be a bit of an illusion. In the end I think either way you encounter some of the same struggles.

 

[redpepper]

I do not think that arranged marriages under certain circumstances were bad in the past. My great-grandmother had a sort of arranged marriage since she was alreday a 30 year old woman and single. Younger people (younger than 25) on the other hand were encouraged to marry someone they loved. I guess couples in love would produce more children . When young person looked for a spouse some rules had to be followed: a future spouse had to come from the same socioeconomic background and she/he had to be of the same faith. Before a couple got married they needed parent’s approval.

I do not think that arranged marriages would work in modern society. Marriage as an institution is not that essential for us to financially survive. We can happily live single without beeing worried to bring a shame to our family/parents as unmarried adults. Besides I would not trust my parents with their choice of my spouse and they on the other hand would not get inolved in matchmaking since they would be affraid that they would get blamed if my marriage would be a disaster.

 

[PoliSciProf]

I know a Hindu couple whose marriage was arranged when they were quite young (I don’t know how young). It all worked out fine.
Under the terms you specify, I don’t think an arranged marriage is quite the right term. It sounds more like someone arranging a blind date with someone they think would be compatible with you. It also doesn’t seem much different from one of the computer dating services which attempt to find a compatible mate. One of my daughters used one of these and both are extraordinarily happy together and just had their first child.

 

[AMDGtoo]

After witnessing the difficulties and heartbreak of many couples that were far more interested in the “me-centered, dating” kind of marriage instead of the marriage that their parents wished for them, I think you are “speaking to the choir”.

There must be exceptions that would make arranged marriages (with your conditions) a bad thing, but right now, I can’t think of them.

 

[Pinkyyy]

no, I do not think they are bad at all, infact, I think they are great, and here is why. My DH is from a culture that does this kind of thing all the time, and the parents and family members look for the kind of person that would fit into the family, share the same values, and be a good match - they don’t just pluck someone off the street (usually, lol). The two have trust in their parents and in eachother and they really are less likely to divorce (look at other society’s divorce rates compared to here).

Now, of course this isn’t really “acceptable” to those growing up in the U.S. but it can be very benneficial. Let me tell you, no one knows you like your parents and they care enough to find someone you would be happy for a lifetime with. To be blunt, interracial marriage is very hard - I know - and if my Dh had listened to his father and married who his dad wanted and not the “white girl from America”, he probably would have been happier. His parents probably could have chosen someone more their family “style” who fit in better and who was a better “match” for him. I do love him, but while we thought we were compatable, we are not in the long run, and BOTH our familes saw this - we did not. He knows this, but gets defensive if I say it - ohh, well sometimes it just feels better to get it out.

 

[Just_wondering]

I have a lot of respect for my parents’ judgment. I wouldn’t want to get married to anyone they disapproved of, and if I were single and without a boyfriend, I would certainly let them recommend someone. They wouldn’t arrange a marriage for me - they don’t agree with it - but if they would, I might go along with it.

I think arranged marriages can work, and at least they put the emphasis on marriage as a vocation and something that requires effort, rather than lah-dee-dah happy feelings all the time.