Are friends valued over relatives these days?

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Roselander

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Has this ever happened to you? You’re invited to a relative’s house for a First Communion or graduation or whatever party.
When you get there, you find the house filled with your relative’s friends, and for the rest of the day you find yourself sitting off to the side while your relatives socialize only with their friends. And if you try to strike up a conversation with any of them, they look at you like you just got off a flying saucer that landed on the front lawn.
 
:hmmm: That’s awful!! I’m a military wife and live in Japan, and my friends are very important to me. However, my mom and brother came to visit for a month, and I rarely saw my friends during that time. I think family should come first. I’m sorry they did that to you. 😦
 
I’ve always heard the saying “Friends are the family we chose”

Plus, some people don’t have the best, most reliable family members. I know when my mom married my stepfather it ripped our family apart and I don’t bother going to events in which he attends. So maybe in some cases friends can be more than family can be.
 
socalsurfnici said:
I’ve always heard the saying “Friends are the family we chose”

Plus, some people don’t have the best, most reliable family members.

So maybe in some cases friends can be more than family can be.
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I was thinking this same thing. There’s also another saying, “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”

Now, I’ve never been in this situation (the one described by the OP). When my family has a party and friends/family is there everyone is always talking to everyone.
 
I don’t think it has to be only one way or the other. We have wonderful, dear friends with whom we are closer in many ways than we are with some long-distance family members. However–when the two mix, I feel an obligation to introduce, integrate and include everyone who has made an effort to join us in celebrating a holiday or special religious celebration. It sounds as if you have been the victim of rude behaviour by your family–regardless of your relationship or lack thereof to other guests at the party.
 
Roselander said:
Has this ever happened to you? You’re invited to a relative’s house for a First Communion or graduation or whatever party.
When you get there, you find the house filled with your relative’s friends, and for the rest of the day you find yourself sitting off to the side while your relatives socialize only with their friends. And if you try to strike up a conversation with any of them, they look at you like you just got off a flying saucer that landed on the front lawn.
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We have this trouble in our family a bit. My nephew’s wife has a really big family and they live really close to him. Whenever my mom travels down there to visit my sister and brother and they all go to the nephews house all his wife’s family along with a ton of friends is always there. They never leave and my mother is starting to find it difficult because she feels she never gets any alone time with her grandson and the rest of the immediate family. My mother is a very accepting person and laid back person so for her to be bothered by it says something. I guess it all depends on how our raised. I think his wifes family have always just been this way.
 
Sound like a case of bad manners from the host and hostess. I know my mom would scold me when i was a teenager and just learning these things when i wouldnt introduce everyone at a party. It may be their job but since they are bad at it just make yourself at home and introduce yourself to everyone. If they are snotty to you, then you dont have to say long. make your way in there to talk with your family a little and then say good bye. If they ask why you left early you can be truthful and say that you werent introduced to anyone and they didnt even interact with you.
 
When my daughter made her First Communion in May we invited both family and friends. Most of the family we have close by are my husbands relatives, most of them older, whom we usually only see on special occasions. Friends are the people we spend time with and hang out with. I couldn’t imagine not inviting them to special occasions. They are part of the fabric of our family. As a hostess, I make sure that everyone is introduced, and find ways to start conversations between them. I would do the same if it was only family members from each side of the family, or only friends who might not know each other.

But I couldn’t imagine having a major event which excluded friends. I’m sorry that you were the victim of a thoughless hostess.
 
Being military, some of my “relative” family wouldn’t know what to do/think around my fellow “military” family. I’ve got an aunt that is such a staunch, anti-military liberal that she won’t set foot on post to come visit because she feels it’s a violation of her “standards” in which HER friends hold her to (being anti-military).

So I think it depends on the entire family dynamics. In some cases, I’d much rather have my “military” family (and friends) around than my actual family.
 
If it happens frequently you could make friends w/ new people!
—KCT
 
How sad this would be! I’ve not experienced this, we tend to inculde friends and family on so many occasions that everyone knows one another (sometimes we lose track of who is related and who is a friend). When there is a new or a “rare appearance” face, they are always welcomed and the guest of honor.

Seems your hostess could use a copy of “Miss Manners”…
 
Hah, I always joke about how I have “fake family members” because my real relatives are people who for many reasons I choose not to be around. I’ve already told my mom that someday when I get married, I’m not inviting many relatives, because I never see or talk to any of them, and I don’t care to do so either. At least in the United States, many families are geographically dispersed, don’t see each other much, and in the case of mine, might see each other once every few years for weddings, funerals, etc. I guess part of it might be that the family members might be invited out of obligation, and people aren’t as comfortable talking to them. I like to assume the best, and just believe that people aren’t intending to be rude, they just feel a little awkward.
 
My family is very distant towards each other and none of us get along very well so I would agree. When there is a holliday it is like, let’s just get this stupid day overwith so we can get the heck out of here attitude.
 
this is a really good question that has made me question myself. I do value my friends more than my relatives. My friends are much more supportive of my family that my relatives. My friends even are more celebratory for us when we have events. For my last baby’s Baptism, only my dad bothered to come. The rest of my family didn’t even call to say they weren’t coming. And, my husbands’ family didn’t come or call at all.

When I do have conversations with my family, I have to be careful what I say. With my friends, I feel relaxed. We understand each other. When I’m pregnant, my friends are happy for me. My family make cracks like “don’t you know what causes that.” In fact, my inlaws are rather disapproving and sometimes unkind about our family size. My husband’s family thinks we are very strange to homeschool. Sometimes, I can feel the weight of their disapproval.

I try to reach out to my family, but they don’t seem to have the same interest in reaching back. My husband’s family is closer to one another.

In light of today’s Gospel, I’ll have to re examine my attitude towards my family. Jesus wants us to give where there is no hope of return. With my friends, I receive so much love and kindness. With my family, it’s more of a giving without hope of personal gratification. Really, embracing my family more would fit more into today’s Gospel.

Thanks for this thread.
 
I think it depends on the person. I have always been very “family” oriented and sensitive to family dynamics. My Dad came from a large family and he was very close with his Dad and siblings. My parents had some friends they went out with, but for the most part we always had family over or were visiting them. I can name all my cousins, some of whom don’t even know my name!

My Mom is a “friends” person. She had one brother 10 years older than her. She became very good friends with my Dad’s sister and her other sister-in -laws as well. Since they all have died she has made other friends and spends holidays with them instead of her children.

And within my parents family (me & my sisters) some of us are family oriented and some are friend oriented.

We live pretty far away from my family (16+ hrs by car) so we don’t get to see them often. One thing we have noticed is that when we go out there my Dad rearranges his schedule to be with us, and my mom carries on as if we are there all the time.

I expect that since so many people move away from their families now it looks like people choose friends over family, while its really more career/school choice.
 
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