O
Oh_Charlotte
Guest
I like someone. I am physically drawn to him, besides every other way.
I fear my thoughts are unchaste, however, I wonder if they are just normal thoughts! Its a long story of background. Only way I can tell it. It will take two posts to tell my love story.
I had a very long marriage almost intimacy-free because of my ex’s Narcissim. After a traumatic divorce I remained chaste because I know Gods ways are best no matter how I may feel “in the moment”. I avoid all near occasion of sin. I was very lonely. But the bad marraige and the loneliness all made me depend on God who is able. I am grateful for every hardship because of I had to draw near to God and get my comfort from him.
I evolved to this thought: I would never look for a husband; I chose the first time and it was a disaster! I would only be content with where God has me now, and perhaps He wants me to remain single and perhaps He wants me to join a convent someday. And if He wants me to have a husband He will have to* bring him to me* and make it PERFECTLY clear to me. And it would certainly not be till after my son graduates high school. Two and a half years. I have become quite content alone! The Sacraments of the Church offer me all I need for a good life, for peace and contentment no matter what my circumstances.
In October I attended a healing ministry. I arranged it for a friend who bailed. I felt Jesus call me to go, even though I felt pretty fine, He wanted to make me “whole”. It as a powerful transformation. Apparently I had PTSD for a good part of my life. It was all healed and everyday feels like a new day.
The healing was in another state and I realized my old friend lived there and mapped it and it was a mile less to go through his town. I met him by private messaging him on a forum where i liked what he wrote. I was at the end of my marriage then (but at the time I thought I’d always be married) and Robert was a faithful Catholic and very moral man who after his wife left decided to remain celibate the rest of his life. I needed a man in my life and this was a safe way. He lived far away in another state and strictly wanted to be only friends and respected my marriage vows.
I should tell you my marriage was very verbally and emotionally abusive and when I converted to Catholic (from Evangelical) a couple years previous to the start of this correspondence, every single priest (and I only talked to strict ones!) told me, “That’s not a marriage”. It was a difficult and lonely life, that’s why I craved a friend, a male one in particular (I had plenty of female friends IRL) because in the loneliness of my long marriage I did not talk to men much or make friends with them ever because I kept myself with my loneliness from any near occasion of sin. .
So Robert and I wrote about everything. I was grateful for my understanding email friend. I sent him a picture of my son and I once. Not a very good one! I was an unhappy person trying to look happy. I had seen his picture on his website so I knew kind of what he looked like. I admired Robert and trusted him, and because of his faith he wouldn’t lead me astray. Well there was a spark there and we once flirted, briefly, but quickly repented and kept all our correspondence chaste. And wrote constantly. I emailed him when I was shocked by divorce, and through the custody battle and that whole nightmare. What a supportive friend.
When it looked to all the world I had settled in my single-mom life, over two years after the long divorce was finalized, Robert surprised me with an email where he alluded an interest in more-than-friends. I was shocked, and afraid. Now I know I was in PTSD mode. I was afraid of marriage after my bad experience, I was afraid he would meet me IRL and not like me, and I could not handle any more rejection. Or I would meet him IRL and he would seem some stranger and I would not like him, then I would be as bad a person as my ex. I was full of fear and indecison. So I did something uncharacteristic of me, and ignored it.
Our correspondence dropped off after that. My life was not easy, many changes, moves. Now I am settled, healed in many ways, very content to be alone and on top of that, that very weekend in October Jesus made me all whole. I never felt better in my life. And I must look better without the burden of brokenness because people see me differently, markedly.
I fear my thoughts are unchaste, however, I wonder if they are just normal thoughts! Its a long story of background. Only way I can tell it. It will take two posts to tell my love story.
I had a very long marriage almost intimacy-free because of my ex’s Narcissim. After a traumatic divorce I remained chaste because I know Gods ways are best no matter how I may feel “in the moment”. I avoid all near occasion of sin. I was very lonely. But the bad marraige and the loneliness all made me depend on God who is able. I am grateful for every hardship because of I had to draw near to God and get my comfort from him.
I evolved to this thought: I would never look for a husband; I chose the first time and it was a disaster! I would only be content with where God has me now, and perhaps He wants me to remain single and perhaps He wants me to join a convent someday. And if He wants me to have a husband He will have to* bring him to me* and make it PERFECTLY clear to me. And it would certainly not be till after my son graduates high school. Two and a half years. I have become quite content alone! The Sacraments of the Church offer me all I need for a good life, for peace and contentment no matter what my circumstances.
In October I attended a healing ministry. I arranged it for a friend who bailed. I felt Jesus call me to go, even though I felt pretty fine, He wanted to make me “whole”. It as a powerful transformation. Apparently I had PTSD for a good part of my life. It was all healed and everyday feels like a new day.
The healing was in another state and I realized my old friend lived there and mapped it and it was a mile less to go through his town. I met him by private messaging him on a forum where i liked what he wrote. I was at the end of my marriage then (but at the time I thought I’d always be married) and Robert was a faithful Catholic and very moral man who after his wife left decided to remain celibate the rest of his life. I needed a man in my life and this was a safe way. He lived far away in another state and strictly wanted to be only friends and respected my marriage vows.
I should tell you my marriage was very verbally and emotionally abusive and when I converted to Catholic (from Evangelical) a couple years previous to the start of this correspondence, every single priest (and I only talked to strict ones!) told me, “That’s not a marriage”. It was a difficult and lonely life, that’s why I craved a friend, a male one in particular (I had plenty of female friends IRL) because in the loneliness of my long marriage I did not talk to men much or make friends with them ever because I kept myself with my loneliness from any near occasion of sin. .
So Robert and I wrote about everything. I was grateful for my understanding email friend. I sent him a picture of my son and I once. Not a very good one! I was an unhappy person trying to look happy. I had seen his picture on his website so I knew kind of what he looked like. I admired Robert and trusted him, and because of his faith he wouldn’t lead me astray. Well there was a spark there and we once flirted, briefly, but quickly repented and kept all our correspondence chaste. And wrote constantly. I emailed him when I was shocked by divorce, and through the custody battle and that whole nightmare. What a supportive friend.
When it looked to all the world I had settled in my single-mom life, over two years after the long divorce was finalized, Robert surprised me with an email where he alluded an interest in more-than-friends. I was shocked, and afraid. Now I know I was in PTSD mode. I was afraid of marriage after my bad experience, I was afraid he would meet me IRL and not like me, and I could not handle any more rejection. Or I would meet him IRL and he would seem some stranger and I would not like him, then I would be as bad a person as my ex. I was full of fear and indecison. So I did something uncharacteristic of me, and ignored it.
Our correspondence dropped off after that. My life was not easy, many changes, moves. Now I am settled, healed in many ways, very content to be alone and on top of that, that very weekend in October Jesus made me all whole. I never felt better in my life. And I must look better without the burden of brokenness because people see me differently, markedly.