P
phil8888
Guest
I had a good friend who lived in my hometown. We became friends through religious activities and he is devoutly Catholic, as am I. He is a medical student but when he lived here we hung out frequently and even more frequently spent time discussing religion and other issues over the phone. Other times we would go for coffee and often we would share personal struggles and issues.
However, our friendship fell into decline after I realized how he would act around me / treat me. That’s the crux of my issue, and I will explain further. I would like to get your take on it.
He was a great friend when it was just me and him. We would do many things together. But things wouuld seem to change dramatically when anyone else was around. For example, he met a girl in another province. They had a long-distance relationship. Eventually she was planning on visiting him for about 2 weeks in the summer. For about 2 months prior to this, he kept saying we should all hang out and that she wants to get to know me. He made plans with me and had many ideas about what we could do. Finally she arrived. But for some reason when she got there, he was constantly busy. It was like he was protecting her. He kept saying he was busy and couldn’t do anything with me. But he would say “how about tomorrow?” so I would agree. but then “tomorrow” would come and he would just do stuff without inviting me. this continued until eventually she left. I don’t mind if he wanted to do stuff alone, but he strung me along the entire time. Actually the day before she left, he invited me for quick coffee. At coffee there were a few other people he knew and we were there for about 20-30 minutes. That’s a far cry from all the activities he had planned, like boat tours, movies, etc.
I was upset by this, but eventually we were friends again and I let it slide. A year later, we both attended the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec. We planned it together, talked about it together, and were planning a great trip with our group. He was my friend there, but when someone else came into the scene at all, he would ignore me. We had several roommates and were with people most of the time. He would not speak to me at all if someone else was there. But then when we were alone, he was my best buddy. Also, he knew many many people at the conference itself. If we went from one venue to another, he would stop usually about 7 to 10 times to talk to people. And he would go beyond protocol. Often, I would stand there as he spoke to someone for 10-15 minutes. They seemed surprised that he spent so much time with them. He would totally ignore me during these times and ignore the fact that we were running late.
Also, his total attitude towards me would change. Alone, we always joked and really got each other’s humour. They were fun times. But in the group, he would react with annoyance when I told a joke, if he reacted at all. Sometimes I would say something to him, and he would try to brush it off.
Yet another inicident was at a pro-life walk. We went together, we were talking, but then he saw someone he knew. The person he knew was not quite sure who my friend was and my friend had to explain. Then for the entire walk, he spoke to that individual. I totally felt like a 3rd wheel. He did not include me, and he went overboard in talking to this person.
Later that year, he had a new girlfriend from another province. A similar thing to the first girlfriend happened. Since the prior incident, I did not get my hopes up, but I kept an open mind. He kept saying we should definitely do things together, etc. like last time. But when she came it was deja vu. He did not communicate with me at all. I came across him one day at Mass. He was with his girlfriend. I politely said hi, then went home. After about 10 or 12 days, he called me. To be honest, I did not feel up for doing stuff anymore. I had given up. About 30 minutes later, there was knocking at the door and the doorbell was ringing. Also, my phone was ringing. It was him. He came over without warning. He wanted to do something at that point. I didn’t feel like it anymore. I felt like it was just sprung on me. I felt like he was saying “Jump” but I didn’t want to ask “How high”.
In the past I’ve also sent him several long emails, to which his reply would be one or two sentences. These represented major issues in my life. I had spent many hours listening to his issues whether over coffee or on the phone, but when I emailed him something he was always too busy.
Anyway, if anyone is still reading, I emailed him to explain all of these concerns. I had the impression that he would express his apology to me and say he was sorry for all of that, but instead he justified himself. He took each thing I said and gave a reason why it wasn’t as it seemed or that I was wrong. As I said, he systematically responded to each issue I brought up. He also blamed me for much of it. Many of the issues I brought up, his response was something like, well I felt like that too, etc. But no apology or it was an apology like “sorry but you also did that”
Anyway, to say the least, I felt unsatisfied by his response. He seemed not to care. He was probably my best friend. We talked about so much, but in the end he seemed totally blase about my email. He kept saying things like well if that’s what you want, then that’s how it’ll be I guess. My emails were not attacking, but rather cordial, and I tried to be very civil. He also said after a while, you shoudl forgive me, that’s the Christian thing to do. That’s part of my question. He only justified his actions, did not seek forgiveness. He has said multiple times the ball is in my court and that I must forgive him. But he hasn’t expressed any regret. This was all a while back, but I decided to post it here to get everyone’s response. As I said, for years we were really great friends. but he doesnt’ seem to care one way or the other. How should I proceed?
However, our friendship fell into decline after I realized how he would act around me / treat me. That’s the crux of my issue, and I will explain further. I would like to get your take on it.
He was a great friend when it was just me and him. We would do many things together. But things wouuld seem to change dramatically when anyone else was around. For example, he met a girl in another province. They had a long-distance relationship. Eventually she was planning on visiting him for about 2 weeks in the summer. For about 2 months prior to this, he kept saying we should all hang out and that she wants to get to know me. He made plans with me and had many ideas about what we could do. Finally she arrived. But for some reason when she got there, he was constantly busy. It was like he was protecting her. He kept saying he was busy and couldn’t do anything with me. But he would say “how about tomorrow?” so I would agree. but then “tomorrow” would come and he would just do stuff without inviting me. this continued until eventually she left. I don’t mind if he wanted to do stuff alone, but he strung me along the entire time. Actually the day before she left, he invited me for quick coffee. At coffee there were a few other people he knew and we were there for about 20-30 minutes. That’s a far cry from all the activities he had planned, like boat tours, movies, etc.
I was upset by this, but eventually we were friends again and I let it slide. A year later, we both attended the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec. We planned it together, talked about it together, and were planning a great trip with our group. He was my friend there, but when someone else came into the scene at all, he would ignore me. We had several roommates and were with people most of the time. He would not speak to me at all if someone else was there. But then when we were alone, he was my best buddy. Also, he knew many many people at the conference itself. If we went from one venue to another, he would stop usually about 7 to 10 times to talk to people. And he would go beyond protocol. Often, I would stand there as he spoke to someone for 10-15 minutes. They seemed surprised that he spent so much time with them. He would totally ignore me during these times and ignore the fact that we were running late.
Also, his total attitude towards me would change. Alone, we always joked and really got each other’s humour. They were fun times. But in the group, he would react with annoyance when I told a joke, if he reacted at all. Sometimes I would say something to him, and he would try to brush it off.
Yet another inicident was at a pro-life walk. We went together, we were talking, but then he saw someone he knew. The person he knew was not quite sure who my friend was and my friend had to explain. Then for the entire walk, he spoke to that individual. I totally felt like a 3rd wheel. He did not include me, and he went overboard in talking to this person.
Later that year, he had a new girlfriend from another province. A similar thing to the first girlfriend happened. Since the prior incident, I did not get my hopes up, but I kept an open mind. He kept saying we should definitely do things together, etc. like last time. But when she came it was deja vu. He did not communicate with me at all. I came across him one day at Mass. He was with his girlfriend. I politely said hi, then went home. After about 10 or 12 days, he called me. To be honest, I did not feel up for doing stuff anymore. I had given up. About 30 minutes later, there was knocking at the door and the doorbell was ringing. Also, my phone was ringing. It was him. He came over without warning. He wanted to do something at that point. I didn’t feel like it anymore. I felt like it was just sprung on me. I felt like he was saying “Jump” but I didn’t want to ask “How high”.
In the past I’ve also sent him several long emails, to which his reply would be one or two sentences. These represented major issues in my life. I had spent many hours listening to his issues whether over coffee or on the phone, but when I emailed him something he was always too busy.
Anyway, if anyone is still reading, I emailed him to explain all of these concerns. I had the impression that he would express his apology to me and say he was sorry for all of that, but instead he justified himself. He took each thing I said and gave a reason why it wasn’t as it seemed or that I was wrong. As I said, he systematically responded to each issue I brought up. He also blamed me for much of it. Many of the issues I brought up, his response was something like, well I felt like that too, etc. But no apology or it was an apology like “sorry but you also did that”
Anyway, to say the least, I felt unsatisfied by his response. He seemed not to care. He was probably my best friend. We talked about so much, but in the end he seemed totally blase about my email. He kept saying things like well if that’s what you want, then that’s how it’ll be I guess. My emails were not attacking, but rather cordial, and I tried to be very civil. He also said after a while, you shoudl forgive me, that’s the Christian thing to do. That’s part of my question. He only justified his actions, did not seek forgiveness. He has said multiple times the ball is in my court and that I must forgive him. But he hasn’t expressed any regret. This was all a while back, but I decided to post it here to get everyone’s response. As I said, for years we were really great friends. but he doesnt’ seem to care one way or the other. How should I proceed?
