Are we missing out?

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I am an infertile woman in an 8 year marriage. We have never used any form of birth control and had to have assistance via drugs to conceive our children.

By the way, I did attempt NFP to become pregnant but did not conceive.

I am in the process of reading Greg Popcak’s book “For Better, Forever” (so far so good!) and he is extolling the virtues of NFP. I firmly believe in everything he is saying and the benefits of practicing this way of life.

I do feel, however, that we might be missing out! 🙂

We do not abstain so there is no “honeymoon” period. My husband is woefully clueless about my body and its inner workings. Etc. All the good things about NFP simply don’t apply to us.
Well, we actually *could *do the method regardless but I think it would be an awful lot of work for no real reason. We are open to children, at any time, should I conceive. I ovulate once every couple of years and even then it has not been successful in producing a baby.

I suppose that, today, I am feeling a pang of jealousy and sadness that we will not be able to experience this way of living our lives.

On the other hand, we do have 2 (soon to be 3) children who are my delight and joy so I’m not spending too much time crying in my cornflakes! I was just feeling a little down as I was reading that portion last night and wondering what we were missing…

Carrie
 
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carrieloon:
I am an infertile woman in an 8 year marriage. We have never used any form of birth control and had to have assistance via drugs to conceive our children.

By the way, I did attempt NFP to become pregnant but did not conceive.

I am in the process of reading Greg Popcak’s book “For Better, Forever” (so far so good!) and he is extolling the virtues of NFP. I firmly believe in everything he is saying and the benefits of practicing this way of life.

I do feel, however, that we might be missing out! 🙂

We do not abstain so there is no “honeymoon” period. My husband is woefully clueless about my body and its inner workings. Etc. All the good things about NFP simply don’t apply to us.
Well, we actually *could *do the method regardless but I think it would be an awful lot of work for no real reason. We are open to children, at any time, should I conceive. I ovulate once every couple of years and even then it has not been successful in producing a baby.

I suppose that, today, I am feeling a pang of jealousy and sadness that we will not be able to experience this way of living our lives.

On the other hand, we do have 2 (soon to be 3) children who are my delight and joy so I’m not spending too much time crying in my cornflakes! I was just feeling a little down as I was reading that portion last night and wondering what we were missing…

Carrie
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My baby sister adopted an angel from China last year… the greatest gift this family could have received… My sister is the youngest of 8 children… don’t write-off adoption… 👍
 
I have always wanted to adopt. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I feel called to do it.

H on the other hand does not. He has been very resistant (so far) to any suggestions about adopting. His reasons range from fear of the unknown to finding the money. We live off his income and have literally not a dime to spare. I also have no qualms about an older child, or a child of a different race, etc, whereas I think he has a certain “type” of child in mind if we ever do look into this.

He likes the idea of having our biological children only, although he’d be mortified to admit that out loud.

Thanks for the suggestion.
 
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carrieloon:
I am an infertile woman in an 8 year marriage. We have never used any form of birth control and had to have assistance via drugs to conceive our children.

By the way, I did attempt NFP to become pregnant but did not conceive.

I am in the process of reading Greg Popcak’s book “For Better, Forever” (so far so good!) and he is extolling the virtues of NFP. I firmly believe in everything he is saying and the benefits of practicing this way of life.

I do feel, however, that we might be missing out! 🙂

We do not abstain so there is no “honeymoon” period. My husband is woefully clueless about my body and its inner workings. Etc. All the good things about NFP simply don’t apply to us.
Well, we actually *could *do the method regardless but I think it would be an awful lot of work for no real reason. We are open to children, at any time, should I conceive. I ovulate once every couple of years and even then it has not been successful in producing a baby.

I suppose that, today, I am feeling a pang of jealousy and sadness that we will not be able to experience this way of living our lives.

On the other hand, we do have 2 (soon to be 3) children who are my delight and joy so I’m not spending too much time crying in my cornflakes! I was just feeling a little down as I was reading that portion last night and wondering what we were missing…

Carrie
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I understand what you are trying to say. I am a user of NFP and I do understand the honeymoon period. Perhaps you could have your husband read the book and perhaps allow yourself periods of abstenance as a gift to the Lord and a sacrifice.

Explain to your husband that although the two of you are open to children and there is no reason for the use of NFP in your lives, offering up a time of abstenance, just like any other kind of abstenance can be a great gift to God.

By doing this on perhaps a regular prearranged basis your marriage bond and commitment is given a chance to grow ever closer with this shared gift to God. You won’t be using NFP as you don’t need to, but I think when we are without something for awhile we perhaps appreciate it more.

I have alot of friends who use NFP and they all talk about the great gift of closeness they have for each other in different ways during the times they are abstaining.

God bless you!
 
Carrie,

I think if I were in your place I might feel the same way. To want more kids than you can have does make you feel like you’re “missing out.” Or to be constantly surrounded by people who need to use NFP or they’ll have to many kids, and who praise the benefits of NFP. Often, people forget to be sensitive to those who wish they had that problem of needing to try not to get pregnant. I’m sorry that is your experience.

I guess you’re missing out in the sense that it seems (if i’m reading you right) difficult to fully appreciate the union you have with your husband in the marital act because of your difficulty in conceiving children. God does not intend for all couples to have large families. He has a plan for you, whether you have more children in the future or not. So in his reality, you are not missing anything. You are being open to His will, your relationship with your husband is to whatever life he does or doesn’t give you. Your union with your husband is complete.

Sure, for me, the communication required of us for NFP is improving our relationship and our holiness. But that is MY path to holiness. Your own struggles will lead YOU to God much more efficiently than my way would. He knows what is best for you and only asks that you trust him and surrender to His will. I say this because I find myself saying “the grass is greener,” or “if only…” all the time.

I will pray for you: for God’s will to be done, the blessing of another child if it is His will, and for your peace and contentment.

God Bless,
TKC
 
TKC,

Thank you!!
Boy that was just a really fantastic post. It cleared up a lot of my thoughts in only a few paragraphs.

It sounds crazy but I had never considered that your path to holiness, which includes NFP, would be different from mine. I suppose I always thought that I was missing something and that was just how it was. I think that many infertile women get in this mindset of being defective and, even though we now have 2.5 children, I still get besieged with these “what if I was normal” thoughts from time to time. But you are right–I AM normal, this is how God made me and this is His path that I am following.

I should count my blessings after all; I do not want to incorporate abstinence into my life (aren’t I awful!). I will look into it anyway, however. 🙂

My union with my husband is complete…what a lovely way to put it! It really does feel that way, but I wasn’t sure if it was merely because I don’t know any other way. I think you are right–this is our path.

Thank you again,
Carrie
 
Dear Carrie:

I’m a bit confused on your question–or perhaps what you’re asking, are you missing out on what???

As you say, you have 2 beautiful kids now-Praise God–

I can’t help but feeling only God is the giver or the taker of Life. He knows exactly how many kids any of us will have, for some it might be 2, 4, 8, for some it might be none. Trust Him. Don’t worry. You are special. You are wonderful, and I’m sure a wonderful Mom! Hope your day is a blessed one!

God Bless, Your Friend,
 
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carrieloon:
I ovulate once every couple of years and even then it has not been successful in producing a baby… Carrie
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Carrie, I would recommend you see a good family-oriented gynocologist about your ovulation period. It seems to be much less often than most and there may be medical treatments that would help.

You are in my prayers.
 
It seems to me that God has put the children that He intended in your life…thats just my opinion…adoption is a wonderful thing…young kids and especally older kids need homes…its a really great thing to do
 
Let’s flip this over and turn it on its head. Think of it like this. NFP is fantastic…in comparison to contracepting. But really it is not what God intended in marital relations. In it’s natural state, marriage would be free from any concerns about family planning.

The natural state of marriage is what you are doing. YOU are the normal one. YOU are the one who is TOTALLY open to life. We NFPers are doing great compared to the rest of society, and presumably if we are not abusing NFP, we are doing nothing immoral. But in truth NFP is a second best moral choice when compared to being TOTALLY open to life.

How’s it feel to be the one that I am jealous of. Indeed, sometimes I think it is we who practice NFP who are ‘missing out’. 😃
 
How long does one have to abstain for it to be abstinence?

In other words, get your husband’s perspective. There’s a possibility he “abstains” every day. And on the days he doesn’t “abstain” he still abstains for a good chunk of it.

I’m hungry now. I haven’t eaten lunch yet. But I will in a few minutes. Have I been abstaining for the last hour and a half that I’ve been noticing hunger?
 
Jacque,
I am the hungry one in our marriage. I was actually asking for my own benefit, to discern whether abstinence would be good for me, even though I shudder at the thought. 😃

I suppose it is a moot point; we don’t need to abstain so that is not our path and why alter it because others have a good experience with it?
We do abstain during Holy Week, for instance, and that is both self sacrificing and oddly thrilling. Something about the novelty of not being able to do it (which we never experience), I guess.

My question was whether this was something we should incorporate into our lives more regularly, so that we have a proper appreciation of it. However, I think that God solved our problem for us by making one of us not as interested as the other. That in and of itself makes for some forced abstinence!

Take care all and thanks for your thoughts…
 
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