Are you a wife who has lost your mother?

[childinthefaith]

K, my wife and I were high school sweethearts, married 30 yes 10 mos as of present. So, I knew and was very close to her mother, who passed March 25th at 2am.
Mother was the most genuinely happy, kind, giving, and loving lady I’ve ever known, without exception.

The question I have here, for wives who have suffered/endured the loss of their mother, while married, is, what are the best things a husband can do to comfort a wife in such a situation.

My wife and her twin sister have shattered hearts still. As stated, this happened Mar 25. MY wife is exceptionally fragile compared to her twin, and is still having trouble sleeping etc because of the grieving. I know shes strong and will get through this, as she did when her daddy passed, but, if there’s things I can do beyond that which I’m doing to help her, I would very much like to hear what they are.

That said, I do the housework, take care of meals for us, and am as supportive as I know how to be. I love my wife above all other ppl in this life, and try very diligently to show her that.

But again, I’m looking for suggestions. Maybe one who has been in her position can shed light on anything I may be missing…

Thx for (name removed by moderator)ut .

 

[Irishmom2]

My husband was always fond of my mother since the day they met. When she died in 1999, the day before her birthday, my husband was as shaken by it as I was.

He still remembers her out loud to me sometimes with fondness. He allows me to tell her story even though he has heard it many times before. He remembers her birthday, and the day she died and usually makes mention of it somehow. So my advice is to let your wife know you are thinking of her mom. Maybe get her some flowers on those special days.

My parents are buried in another state, 7 hours away. Before we would even get to our family’s house to visit, he often would make a short detour to the cemetery on our way.

 

[bmaj]

I’m very sorry to hear you’re all hit hard by this loss of a wonderful woman. Your wife’s Mom sounds like she was a lot like my own Mom who passed away when I was in my 30’s. It was terribly heartbreaking for me as well - you can actually feel a strange and piercing pain in your heart at times like that. It sounds like you’re doing an excellent job of helping your dear wife try to get past the initial grief. It’s even worse right now, I’m sure, with the covid restrictions and not being able to have a “normal” funeral which can help immensely when the grief is shared as a larger group. I would highly recommend just to keep on doing what you’re doing and also keep your wife in your prayers for our Lord’s amazing comfort added to your own. Our Blessed Mother is a great intercessor for that - she knew grief beyond compare when she witnessed her Son die on the cross. It may hurt your wife even more, especially in these first few months, to talk about her Mom - I know it did for me, but everyone is different. If it does, quiet comfort can be best. I would also recommend a memorial service as soon as possible after the restrictions are lifted in your area. Having family and friends to help ease the pain really can help a lot. In the meantime, keep up the good work, and may our Lord bless all of you always.

 

[childinthefaith]

keep on doing what you’re doing and also keep your wife in your prayers for our Lord’s amazing comfort added to your own. Our Blessed Mother is a great intercessor for that - she knew grief beyond compare when she witnessed her Son die on the cross.

This. This is VERY welcome advice that makes a LOT of sense to me.

Don’t ask us. Ask your wife if you can do anything more to help her through this difficult time, and if so, what.

Too late. And I realize wives are not a monolith. However, if I can extract advice from those with similar experience to help comfort my wife…
Blessings,

 

[childinthefaith]

@(name removed by moderator)
My condolences for your loss ma’am.

I think perhaps my difficulty in comforting my wife may, in part, relate to my own need for comfort for her loss as well. However, we also had parents who were/are (my mother is living), about as different as they could get. Almost polar opposites really.
So, when my father passed it barely phased me beyond feeling inconvenienced to go to the funeral + burial. I was an abused child, physically, emotionally and mentally. Not sexually praise God, but the rest was quite enough.
She, however, was raised as if she were the most precious and important person in her parents’ world.
I loved her dad, but my own I could tolerate only in his last years while he was dementia ridden.

I loved her mother and saw her as everything I wish my mom would’ve been, and to this day feel the same.

Regardless of those factors, I love my wife above all on earth and in this life, second only to God. So, to see her suffering makes me feel helpless, and increases my grief for her mothers loss yet more.

All I know to do, and am doing, is spending a lot of time in prayer and Scripture reading.

Take care,

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

It’s only been two months since her mom died, so the grief is still raw.

Keep an eye on her mental health. She’ll have good days and bad days, but the overall trend should be towards equilibrium.

If you can stand between her and other stressors, that would be good. Let her concentrate on mourning, which is not a pathology, but a necessary adjustment.

 

[Pattylt]

My condolences to both of you. My mom died when I was 25 and my husband had only known her for five years of which three of those she was very ill.

He was my rock throughout this. He didn’t try to avoid talking about her or bring her up. In fact, he often asked me questions about her so I could talk and remember her…which helped me a lot. I’d be cooking dinner and he’d ask about how good of a cook she was or, watching TV, he’d ask what shows she liked…just little questions to allow me to reminisce and often…cry.

And he really understood that grief is a process…not something that you’d be over by a certain date on the calendar. Your wife will start having better days and worse days…all a normal part of grieving. Don’t be afraid to tell her you’re hurting, too. You knew her for a long time. Bring up your good memories…especially a funny one if the opportunity arises.

It sounds like you are doing all that you can. You probably don’t need to be doing more…just giving her all the time she needs. Oh, and lots of hugs!

 

[HopenHappiness]

I lost my mother on Feb 2nd this year. You don’t say if your MIL death was unexpected or after an illness. My mom died after having frontal lobe dementia, but didn’t die from that she died from sepsis. It was quite sudden, but in the previous year she went down hill with her dementia. I was really surprised how little I grieved like I thought I should,but realize that she is in better place and free of the dementia. Hubby was just there, if I needed to talk, help me remember things etc. Now we make a joke of everything that goes wrong, we blame my mother. My siblings also did not feel the grief we thought we would. But with my dads death 24 years earlier, no serious health problems. Just dropped dead when his heart valve let go. I was a basket case, I don’t remember much of the first two weeks after his death other then caring for my mom. Hubby was also a great support, just being there and making things easier for me. Even when he had to return home without me, he tended to my son and took care of everything so I could take care of my mom. The best thing you can do for her is just listen to her, try to make her laugh. Take her outside get the fresh air, and just watch her. If she gets bad mentally, there is no stigma in getting help. Just love and hold her and let her know how much you love and appreciate her. And if she wants to talk about her mom, just listen and reenforce what a great mother in law she was.

 

[childinthefaith]

I lost my mother on Feb 2nd this year. You don’t say if your MIL death was unexpected or after an illness. My mom died after having frontal lobe dementia, but didn’t die from that she died from sepsis. It was quite sudden, but in the previous year she went down hill with her dementia.

My condolences. Thank you for the reply, I find it helpful.
And thanks to everyone who has responded.
I’ve not been in these forums very much at all since posting this…right after I did post this, fee days I reckon, I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis and referred to a neurosurgeon whom I’m still waiting to see for the consult next month. My legs wont walk more than 100 yards, and I cant stand up for more than maybe 15 mins. I’ll be glad to get it fixed. The diagnosis actually explains symptoms I’ve had 10 months now…watever. My wife and I counted together and this will only make the 20th general surgery I’ve had at age 50 All but 2 of those occurred while we’ve been married.
Anyway, her mother passing surprised her some. However, Mother had been I’ll since a 6 month stint in ICU around 3.5 years ago for kidney problems, 4 of those months she was on ventilated support. I was not surprised by it, but I have lost many relatives to many different things because my family is so big. I’ve at least 30 first cousins…and, I grieve much differently from her, stealthily u might say. I was an abused child and because of that have a habit of hiding my emotions…I know how to deal with them, but I dont display my emotions much. I was simply conditioned to not do that…However, with my wife, everything is out on the table. We are totally transparent to each other and we do not tell each other “no,” we negotiate compromises instead.

In any case, my wife - shes improving. She has some dark days still but they’re fewer as we get through them. I suppose walking through hell with me through a war and then my becoming disabled may have actually toughened her up for these things. It’s just since now is HER time to do this, and we were all sooo close, esp since we started dating in high school.

In any case, thx for the responses. It seems that time is doing what they say it will - “heal all things.”

Sorry I’m bouncing around. Having focus issues today somehow. Odd.

Ya all take care )