Arguing... Fighting?

[j101291]

Ok, so maybe we are weird… but we don’t fight, we don’t argue. Do we surpress our emotions… didn’t think so. Are we having problems… well I guess you can say dh sleeping elsewhere is a HUGE problem… but he’s finally come to his senses… well supposidly… he’ll “be home by Monday”…

Anyway my question is this… I’ve never been an arguer, except with my mom when I was a teen and now with my teens if I feel it’s worth it… otherwise forget it! Ok my question is it wrong to not argue and fight… and if you haven’t for 16years of marriage why start now?

Thanks,
J

 

[1ke]

I suggest the book For Better… Forever by Greg Popcak.

Fighting is unproductive and harmful. Problem-solving, on the other hand, is necessary and productive.

If you aren’t fighting, but yet your DH has left the premises, that indicates a problem!

It likely means you don’t have mechanism for problem solving.

 

[whatevergirl]

Ok, so maybe we are weird… but we don’t fight, we don’t argue. Do we surpress our emotions… didn’t think so. Are we having problems… well I guess you can say dh sleeping elsewhere is a HUGE problem… but he’s finally come to his senses… well supposidly… he’ll “be home by Monday”…

Anyway my question is this… I’ve never been an arguer, except with my mom when I was a teen and now with my teens if I feel it’s worth it… otherwise forget it! Ok my question is it wrong to not argue and fight… and if you haven’t for 16years of marriage why start now?

Thanks,
J

Hi J;
Sometimes, people view debates or discussions…or even discussing the difference of opinions as fighting…do you at least discuss your differences? Avoiding confrontation sometimes can be easier…but if your husband is living elsewhere…even temporarily…it shows that you need to at least air your differences. It’s natural. And, warranted anger is not a bad thing. Jesus got angry at those who were selling items in His church…thus, warranted anger. If Jesus just sat by and said nothing…what good would that accomplish? So, if Jesus expressed anger in certain situations, it’s ok if we do…arguing, yelling, namecalling, fighting…that’s not healthy. But, voicing differences, and voicing anger even at times can be healthy.

 

[j101291]

We do voice our differences… (isn’t technology great)… we’re instant messaging right now talking about how we don’t argue… we both said we voice our opinion… and then just go on believing our opinion is the right one and the other person is wrong… we drop it, we dont’ try to sway the other person one way or the other.

We’re working on lists of things we want to work on and communication is a big one.

 

[Smber2c]

We do voice our differences… (isn’t technology great)… we’re instant messaging right now talking about how we don’t argue… we both said we voice our opinion… and then just go on believing our opinion is the right one and the other person is wrong… we drop it, we dont’ try to sway the other person one way or the other.

We’re working on lists of things we want to work on and communication is a big one.

About whether people should fight…no I don’t think so. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 14 months and have never fought. But, we discuss alot. And that discussion demands humility.

In relationships both members are going to make mistakes, have incorrect opinions on topics, and just get angry at times. What people have to do is prepare a way to communicate these things effectively and understand that both members do need to give ground at different times.

I’m convinced people yell and scream b/c that’s the only way they’ve learned to be honest (quite/calm honesty looks weak). I know many guys who’s soft sweet voice has developed into a veritable BSing machine. And since they always spout nonsense when calm…problems are always glossed over until they must be faced and the only way they know how is with raised voices.

Yelling reveals 2 things. Anger and feelings that the other person isn’t really listening or doesn’t want to.

But you say you talk but sadly neither of you bend, that’s really bad too. My GF has admitted she’s been wrong numerous times. I’ve had to admit being wrong as well. When we just disagree we see if it’s something that matters, so if we disagree on what Disney movie had the best songs, we agree to disagree.
But an example of a time we couldn’t agree to disagree was with kissing and what kind/ where kissing was appropriate. Another time was when I said I didn’t think we should talk on the phone on lights before we have class and she disagreed (she’s an undergrad, I’m a post-bac - we both couldn’t afford those week night talks until 1AM).
- If we just agreed to disagree then one of us would feel violated, ignored, or injured when the other’s way ended up being what happened.

Instead, when necessary we talk the situation out (it helps that we’re both pretty analytical) seeing why each of us think what we do. Then we ask what God would want. And see if we’re on the same page yet. Usually we are. On the rare occasion we still aren’t agreeing - we compromise, usually leaning a bit toward the more conservative position b/c we err on the side of caution.

 

[whatevergirl]

We do voice our differences… (isn’t technology great)… we’re instant messaging right now talking about how we don’t argue… we both said we voice our opinion… and then just go on believing our opinion is the right one and the other person is wrong… we drop it, we dont’ try to sway the other person one way or the other.

We’re working on lists of things we want to work on and communication is a big one.

well–sometimes, no one is right or wrong…it’s just hearing each other out…or typing each other out, in this case. Either way–maybe seek some counseling…as sometimes non communication…and just passing it off as nothing over and over, can cause problems in a marriage. My husband would love to never debate anything…I mean, I don’t really want to debate…but sometimes, we disagree…and he says nothing. It’s like…come on, we need to discuss, and then dismiss. To skip discussing if a topic is important to you–can cause some issues. There are great Christian (Catholic) counselors out there…maybe try to find one who can help you both just…talk, really?

 

[Jay2]

We’ve been married a little longer than you, and we are not arguer/fighters either.

My DW gets pretty emotional when stressed out, and just can’t coherantly talk during this. I go the other way, and need to be by myself and simmer down to be effective.

If something is really bothering me, and I know it will probably result in tears or anger (but has to be aired), I’ll sit down and write her a short letter. This way she can find a “place” and read it. Then we’ll talk.

She hits me with these things while I’m doing something I like to do - a house or car project thing. My mind is away from work, the family, and I’m open to discussion.

I think we’ve had 2 loud voice blow-outs in 19 years… and they didn’t accomplish anything.