As A Convert, What Can I Expect?

[Valus]

Hi. I don’t know where to begin, there’s so much to explain, but I want people to read this, so I’ll try hard to keep it concise.

I struggle with mental illness, live alone, have no friends, collect disability (don’t work) and I feel like the church is a lifeline, ― maybe my last hope, to incorporate some basic structure and wholesomeness into my life. I recently began the process of becoming part of a local church, but it’s taking forever and I’m terrified I’ll lose my momentum, or my resolve, if I don’t get help soon.

So far, I don’t think I have shown evidence of being much different from the usual convert. I’ve really struggled to contain my passions and rambling thoughts, to keep my eccentricity to myself, to be just another person in this role, but I feel like I require special attention and the response I’ve receive, so far, has been minimal.

At first, I received no reply to my voicemail or my email, inquiring from the Deacon about RCIA. So, I contacted the woman in charge of Religious Education, spoke briefly with her, and she told me the Deacon was the one to contact. I told her I tried that and got no response after waiting two weeks (while also attending multiple services, doing my best to follow along with the Mass), so she passed it on and the Deacon finally got around to sending me a short questionnaire, and apologized for not getting back to me sooner.

I answered normally, I think. Then another 10 days went by.

I’m wondering if this is normal or if the clergy at this church are sleeping on the job. I feel like they don’t want to do their jobs, don’t want converts, and are subtly trying to give me the brush-off. Is this just my weird impatience and entitlement, or what?

I would think they would be “zealous for souls” and, at least, want to talk with me, sit down for like ten minutes or something, make me feel welcome, and iron-out a few basics, right off the bat. Is that too much to ask?

I realize, if RCIA does not start again until next year, I may have a long wait, even just to receive the most fundamental tips. And here I feel this dire urgency, to be baptized ASAP and initiated, before I lose my way.

[cont.]

 

[Valus]

[cont.]

I’ve tried to learn some things on my own, mostly watching videos, but I have severe ADHD, possibly an Autism-Spectrum Disorder, in addition to rapid-cycling Bi-polar. It’s easier to learn with someone else.

I mean, that’s the whole point of this. I’ve been reading books about mystics and saints for a quarter-century on my own (I’m 42), and finally realizing I need help, to be held accountable or whatever, and to have the path made explicitly clear; because, otherwise, I’m all over the map. That’s part of what appeals to me about Catholicism. If I wanted to do this alone, ― or even thought I could ― I’d probably be a Protestant! The irony is that, when I visit a Protestant congregation, a bunch of extroverts swarm-in on me, eager to learn my story and share theirs and make me feel like one of the family. It’s overwhelming and usually scares me off, but, still, it’s better than receiving cold shoulders and curt, delayed replies, feeling like I am an intruder and a burden.

I’m sorry if I wrote too much (I still feel like I must have forgotten to mention some key bits of information) and I’m sorry if anything I wrote seems out-of-line. If there is something I am not seeing, which is obvious to you, please, point it out gently and I will do my best to understand.

Should I just be patient or try another church or speak up more directly or what? In your opinion. Thanks.

 

[Irishmom2]

I feel like they don’t want to do their jobs, don’t want converts, and are subtly trying to give me the brush-off. Is this just my weird impatience and entitlement, or what?

I would think they would be “zealous for souls” and, at least, want to talk with me, sit down for like ten minutes or something, make me feel welcome, and iron-out a few basics, right off the bat. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t like having to say this, but at this point in time, I would say yes, it does sound like this is your impatience and sense of entitlement. Since the Covid world we live in kicked in, nothing as it normally is. Office hours are cut or non existent, people have family or jobs that need to be attended to in ways that they may not have had to in the past.

I found the part about if you could do this alone, you would become Protestant to be a bit troubling. In both cases, you really do seem to feel that the way to enter is not to your liking. One place is too friendly, one not enough. I feel I should mention that that doesn’t seem like a reason to become Catholic. You should not become Catholic because it fits your need for being left alone more than at a Protestant church.

I hope that this feeling of immediate gratification is not one you conveyed to the lady in the church office or to the deacon because it is a bit troubling.

 

[Lou2U]

I’m not Catholic, so please do feel free to take my post with a pinch of salt. I agree with @Irishmom2, a lot of the delay you’re facing is most likely due to Covid.

So far, I don’t think I have shown evidence of being much different from the usual convert. I’ve really struggled to contain my passions and rambling thoughts, to keep my eccentricity to myself, to be just another person in this role, but I feel like I require special attention and the response I’ve receive, so far, has been minimal.

I would say in response to this that if you are trying to keep yourself to yourself, and not let on that you’re struggling - no-one will know you need help. I suggest that when the Deacon gets in touch with you, you tell him about how you’re feeling. I suggest you make an appointment to speak with a Priest as well. Don’t be afraid to reach out, even if you might have to wait a while for a response.

Ultimately, you’ve chosen to enter the Church at a time that is totally abnormal. Unfortunately this may well mean you have to wait longer, or chase some things up when you otherwise wouldn’t.

I also wonder whether it would be worth asking a Priest about a prayer group or a bible study you could join. From what I’ve read here (both from cradle Catholics and former Protestants who’ve converted), Catholics tend to be more individualistic in their worship than Protestants. So Mass isn’t really about meeting others and may have less of a community feel than Protestant services. Obviously this is a generalisation, but it does stick out to me that it’s something you might struggle with even after conversion. So maybe finding out about groups you could join would be helpful.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I feel like I require special attention and the response I’ve receive, so far, has been minimal.

First, as others have noted, you are trying to join the Church at a time when stuff is very haywire due to COVID and all the accompanying restrictions and stress. A lot of normal parish processes are disrupted. So don’t be surprised when the staff, priests etc take a while to get back to you.

Second, the Catholic Church, even in non-COVID times, doesn’t tend to fall all over potential converts and give them attention like some other churches do. Some reasons for this are size and why people are attending. The average Protestant church in US has a congregation of about 200 people, and the main reason many attend is they like the minister and team running the church and the other people who belong to the church. The emphasis is on getting together as a community, listening to the ministers preach, and maybe having some social event. By contrast, many Catholic parishes are very large, the priests will not know most people on a personal level, community is not so emphasized, and many people are primarily going because they want to worship God and receive sacraments, not for a community aspect. This does vary somewhat parish to parish, but I just mention it by way of managing expectations.

I also agree with the advice to let the parish staff know if you’re struggling. They may be able to refer you to resources or groups. But again, this isn’t guaranteed, because there might not be a lot of resources or groups in your area, and even if there are, the activities might be restricted due to COVID. I know a number of the prayer groups have cut back their activities somewhat.

Bottom line is, it’s unlikely that Catholics will step in to give you all kinds of extra help and attention and instant friendships and such, just because you express interest in joining their church. It’s not a case of “join the Church and we’ll solve all your problems.” The reason to join the Church is because it’s the true faith and the best way to be close to God, not for attention and social opportunities which might or might not be there.

 

[Nik]

So I’m coming at this from a slightly different perspective - as someone who is still in the process of converting.

I decided I wanted to enter the Church sometime around Easter when the RCIA program for that year was obviously ending. So I sent an email and met up with the Deacon and that was it, I was completely left on my own until the new RCIA program started up. At that point I was desperate to get things moving and enter the Church ASAP so I understand how you are feeling right now.

What I found is that none of this will go to your timeframe, and that’s fine. It’s about building a relationship with both God and His Church and these things take time.

I used the 6-7 months before RCIA to attend weekday Mass as much as possible, go to Vespers or Lauds if they were scheduled and what I cannot recommend enough is spending time with Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

Things will probably be a bit more difficult because of the pandemic but don’t give up. Catholics are not the type to pressure you into converting or rush the process. Enjoy the time it takes and relax, you already know you are travelling in the right direction

 

[Valus]

Those are good points, thanks. I didn’t think of how covid may affect things.

I have numerous reasons for wanting to be Catholic, not least of which is that I believe it to be true. But that is not entirely separate from the way it is run, which is what I am talking about, what I prefer, and what I believe Christ intended.

 

[Valus]

Thanks. Yes, that’s along the lines of what I was thinking. I probably will speak up, if I can do it in a polite, undemanding way. My emotions are so intense sometimes it’s difficult not to come across as exasperated. It’s not easy to convey the urgency or importance, though, while making huge efforts to hold it back, and express myself in the calm manner that people require to feel appropriately respected.

The “community feel” is usually part of what turns me off. I like that church is a solemn, spiritual exercise and not a social occasion.

 

[Valus]

Thanks. I appreciate the empathy and encouragement.

Part of the problem is, I don’t know I’m going in the right direction. As someone said, “Not doubt, but certainty is the opposite of faith.” And, even when I am most firmly resolved, I know myself too well to expect I can keep myself steady in one direction without help. My mind works in such a way as to constantly undermine itself; the more I try to fix on something, the more internal compulsions mobilize to show me the opposite. It’s genuinely insane and has made it impossible to stay on any path. For the first time, I am making serious efforts to block out those erratic, sabotaging tendencies, which is so difficult because it’s also what is best about me – my willingness to challenge my views, speculate on out-of-the-way possibilities, and see things from alternate perspectives. It’s also what led me to Catholicism in the first place. And it feels inauthentic when I deny any legitimate challenge. But the fact is, I can’t live like this, with my mind always wide open and my head spinning. I have to make a decision and commit, and stop checking and rechecking my math. For most people, it seems, the opposite is the problem, so they can’t relate.

Relaxing is the hardest thing for me. But I’m sure it’s good advice. Thanks.