Asking a father for his daughter's hand

[VivienneJ]

Hello All,

Thanks again for all the commentary and advice on the subject. Its all been very appreciated.

I’d like to comment a bit though on some of the stranger notions that seem to be running though some of this thread. Many seem to object even to the idea of me speaking to my hopeful future father in law at all. Some ask what I’ll do if he says no, even if my girlfriend still wants to Marry.

I just can’t even fathom any of this. All these questions of “power,” and competing Wills and all this is completely foreign to my situation. The fact is my girlfriend and I have talked at length, multiple times, over the course of the last two years about where our relationship is headed and what kind of Married life we envision. She expects me to propose soon. So even asking her is a bit of a formality at this point. Its an important one, no doubt, but we both know that this is the direction we are headed. I have never understood talk about proposals where it would have ever been in doubt what the woman’s answer would be. If “poping the question,” is actually a legitimate question you two probably haven’t been talking enough about your goals and the state of the relationship to begin with. I’ve thought this even before I met my girlfriend.

At the same time, asking her father is much the same way a formality. My girlfriend has communicated to her parents our plans and goals for the relationship. She’s even told them about your future living situation (we plan on living fairly close to them). So they’ve known, for awhile, that we’ve been discerning mariage. They know that my girlfriend hopes that we will be married. In all this time, her father has not even once every expressed any displeasure at the idea of us marrying. So, being a loving father, why in world would he then reject my request for a blessing knowing full well that its what his daughter wants?

Again, I thank everyone for their views. But I think some of us need to relax and stop reading so much into the historical meanings or underpinnings of this tradition. Its a formality, but one that is expected at least in my case. Does it mean that my girlfriend’s father thinks that he owns his daughter? Or that I think I have to barter for her like property? Of course not, the notion is absurd. But it is a nice gesture of respect for her family and their traditions, and I know its something my girlfriend would want.

Not saying this would be the case for everyone, but Its what the case is for me and my girlfriend.

Very well said. We all knew where both daughter’s relationships were headed. It was just nice to be consulted on whether a precious part of my family would be joining another family with my blessing. It may have nothing to do with the pre-proposal dynamics, but I have found that I have had to work much harder on having a good relationship with the son-in-law who did not speak to me of his intentions first. And, yes, there is a difference in the relationship when the couple is dating (even discerning marriage seriously) and when they are married.

 

[twf]

Hello All,

Thanks again for all the commentary and advice on the subject. Its all been very appreciated.

I’d like to comment a bit though on some of the stranger notions that seem to be running though some of this thread. Many seem to object even to the idea of me speaking to my hopeful future father in law at all. Some ask what I’ll do if he says no, even if my girlfriend still wants to Marry.

I just can’t even fathom any of this. All these questions of “power,” and competing Wills and all this is completely foreign to my situation. The fact is my girlfriend and I have talked at length, multiple times, over the course of the last two years about where our relationship is headed and what kind of Married life we envision. She expects me to propose soon. So even asking her is a bit of a formality at this point. Its an important one, no doubt, but we both know that this is the direction we are headed. I have never understood talk about proposals where it would have ever been in doubt what the woman’s answer would be. If “poping the question,” is actually a legitimate question you two probably haven’t been talking enough about your goals and the state of the relationship to begin with. I’ve thought this even before I met my girlfriend.

At the same time, asking her father is much the same way a formality. My girlfriend has communicated to her parents our plans and goals for the relationship. She’s even told them about your future living situation (we plan on living fairly close to them). So they’ve known, for awhile, that we’ve been discerning mariage. They know that my girlfriend hopes that we will be married. In all this time, her father has not even once every expressed any displeasure at the idea of us marrying. So, being a loving father, why in world would he then reject my request for a blessing knowing full well that its what his daughter wants?

Again, I thank everyone for their views. But I think some of us need to relax and stop reading so much into the historical meanings or underpinnings of this tradition. Its a formality, but one that is expected at least in my case. Does it mean that my girlfriend’s father thinks that he owns his daughter? Or that I think I have to barter for her like property? Of course not, the notion is absurd. But it is a nice gesture of respect for her family and their traditions, and I know its something my girlfriend would want.

Not saying this would be the case for everyone, but Its what the case is for me and my girlfriend.

I would like to make it clear that I am not opposed to men asking the father’s “blessing” as a rule. I just felt that some in this thread were implying it is an obligation and I became a bit defensive. Certainly, if it is expected in your situation, by both your future bride and her family, and if it is understood by all that the father can in no way play any role in her consent, then there is no issue and it will only help the relationships. Sorry if I came off too strong. I do wonder though why we men don’t feel the need to ask our own parents if her parents must be in the loop? It is little things like that that make the tradition seem odd to me in our modern society - but it will obviously be case by case. In our case my girlfriend made it clear that she did not want me to ask him. It would have been awkward at any rate - for one, an interpreter would have been required as we do not speak a common language, and for another I had only met him briefly once prior to proposing to my fiancee. He will certainly be at the wedding, with his wife, but it was my fiancee’s mother who raised her, not her father, and I certainly made sure that my future mother-in-law approved of the relationship. I think it also depends on who is footing the bill of the wedding. There is a now archaic tradition of the father of the bride paying, but I know in our case I will be picking up all of the major costs myself.