Asking married women- Clarified question re:flirting taboos

[seekingsynthesis]

I asked a question in another thread and while the answers were helpful, it seemed to spiral a bit. Id like to ask a question of others’ experience, rather than making it about my situation.

Any married women on here- how was your experience of growing to be comfortable with physical affection and flirting within marriage?

I’d like to have marriage that is playful and flirty. That’s the kind of marriage I admire when I see it.
But it has been a slow process for me to be comfortable with any physical affection. I have been dating a great guy for a year, and at the beginning I wouldn’t even hold his hand in public, even though that seems laughable now.

There are still a few things that I am uncomfortable with- certain ways he flirts. The last thread disagreed over whether these were appropriate before marriage or not, and basically said it’s up to me whether I’m comfortable or not. So that’s on me, and neither here nor there.
My concern is more whether within marriage, when this kind of flirting would be appropriate/moral, I could grow to be comfortable with it or not.

Married women, did any of you find that the things you were uncomfortable with before marriage grew to feel more natural after?
Or did you find that your boundaries outside of actual sex remained mostly the same?

My worry is-if I’m naturally reserved and uncomfortable now, am I doomed to a quiet, reserved and formal marriage? I don’t want to react the way I do. I like that he’s affectionate and playful.

 

[1ke]

Based on your prior thread, which I read but didn’t participate in, I think you have to get down to the bedrock of what’s causing these uncomfortable feelings inside of you. Like you said you were uncomfortable with handholding, and now that seems laughable.

So why were you uncomfortable with it? Your family seems to have some really bizarre notions. So have you gotten a message that you have incorporated into your psyche that you need to work on getting out of your thoughts?

Maybe you aren’t really a person who is reserved and doesn’t like physical affection in public, maybe it’s more that you’ve been told that this is bad or dirty or whatever, when it isn’t.

Shame isn’t a response you want to have for perfectly normal things like holding hands, having an arm around, you kissing your spouse, and these sorts of affectionate behaviors in or out of public.

 

[1ke]

Married women, did any of you find that the things you were uncomfortable with before marriage grew to feel more natural after?

I think you are making the assumption that most others are uncomfortable with affection, flirting, and public affection (hand holding, arm around you, snuggled on the couch, etc).

I can tell you that it isn’t a situation that I can relate to. There wasn’t anything that my now-husband did I felt uncomfortable with before we were married and vice versa.

 

[Pattylt]

My worry is-if I’m naturally reserved and uncomfortable now, am I doomed to a quiet, reserved and formal marriage? I don’t want to react the way I do. I like that he’s affectionate and playful.

I was the flirty one before we were married and it was my husband that was more shy and reserve. We’ve been married almost 48 years now and I’m still flirty and he’s still more reserved and quiet but he has gotten much better! He rarely initiates flirting but he responds to it much better now and will flirt back.

Peoples general personalities don’t magically change after marriage but they do get much more comfortable and relaxed and able to read each other much more. If you aren’t silly now, you won’t be silly after marriage either…you’ll just be able to occasionally be silly! You won’t feel constrained like your early courtship. If you have silly moments when you’re alone, you will have them after marriage!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Any married women on here- how was your experience of growing to be comfortable with physical affection and flirting within marriage?

Was married for 23 years.

I didn’t have to “grow to be comfortable” with it. I always liked to hug, kiss, hold hands, sit or walk with arms around each other etc even before i was married. My husband and I continued to hold hands and sit with arms around each other for 33 years, right up till he passed away, because we liked that.

I also expected a certain level of respect/ manners from my fiance/ husband, and some of the stuff you listed in your other thread I would not see as “playful” but rather as offensive or undignified or treating me like property or a piece of meat. My husband had good manners and also didn’t see those things as being the right way to treat a lady, so we got along fine.

I think you are making the assumption that most others are uncomfortable with affection, flirting, and public affection (hand holding, arm around you, snuggled on the couch, etc).

I agree. Most people I know, including most Catholics, are fine with this. Some couples prefer to be more private about it, and there are also some people who for whatever reason (culture, past trauma or just personality) are not very “touchy” people, and they just need to find a spouse who’s on the same page with them and isn’t going to take it as a personal affront if the other person doesn’t like to snuggle on the couch.

Some of the stuff you listed in your other thread wasn’t just normal affection, it was borderline, or maybe not so borderline, sexual behavior. There’s a difference.

 

[seekingsynthesis]

Ok, this is a fair take. I’ll have to reflect on that. Thank you.

 

[OddBird]

I used to be really uncomfortable with physical affection (from a traumatic past relationship with an extremely controlling, proprietary, sexual innuendos-loving guy, which I ended after a few weeks when I had a moment of clarity and saw it was only a matter of time before I got assaulted). It just gradually disappeared when I realized I could trust my husband not to push my boundaries and to behave in a way that showed love and respect. Now I think I need physical affection from him more than he does from me.

Some of the stuff you listed in your other thread wasn’t just normal affection, it was borderline, or maybe not so borderline, sexual behavior. There’s a difference.

This.

OP, I read your other thread too, and maybe the fact you’re visibly ill at ease with the way he handles physical affection is a sign that it’s more than physical affection, something you don’t want right now and which isn’t making you feel respected and secure. That’s something you should talk about with him, particularly if you’re considering marriage.

I may be completely wrong, but I have a hunch that the problem is not as much physical affection in itself as his ability to express it in an appropriate way, and to respect you and your boundaries. It’s not necessarily that he’s not willing to respect them, but maybe you’ve simply never really shown him where they are and why they matter to you.

If he’s always pushing a little bit and you yield because, after all, there’s a margin between that and having sex, he’s not going to realize that you have boundaries at all.

Setting boundaries is not always easy, in particular with someone one loves and is sometimes eager to please.

Forgive me if I’m completely on the wrong track here. I’m mainly thinking out loud.