At a crossroads - which way to turn

[joshringsell]

Hi everyone,

Essentially, I am at a crossroads in my life and am seeking guidance (I am aware of my need for a spiritual director, that is not possible until I move home), I’m a 22-year-old man, I will soon finish my Theology Masters degree and move home most likely to work full time in something. Since my conversion roughly five years ago, I have felt a call to monastic life, particularly to the traditional Benedictine community in Norcia, which I visited this time last year, and more recently have felt an ardent desire to say the Mass.

I have several issues:
i) I have consistently struggled with sins of purity for years and as yet have not improved at all despite my prayers and efforts. As such, Fr Prior at Norcia has said that I must overcome this before I can return to be considered for the novitiate.
ii) I have for several years had various symptoms, some mild and some quite severe, of OCD, which lends itself to scrupulosity and similar thought problems. However, I don’t believe these things are severe enough that they could not be overcome. I’ve also had a few problems with anxiety and depression here and there, self-esteem etc.
iii) I’m staying open to the possibility of the priesthood (FSSP), and also marriage, in any case, I’d need to overcome my first point.

At the moment, given my love for theology, and the fact that I cannot pursue a vocation due to vice, I am seriously considering doing a theology Ph.D. and beginning an academic career (which would be what I’d like to do if I’m not called to any religious vocation). As I said, I move home in the next few months and will most likely have to work for a year, and then go onto the Ph.D., and during that time do my best to discern.

I’m just a little confused as to where to go next. I want to pursue a vocation, but I cannot seem to overcome vice, in which case I have to continue a secular life and hope I can overcome, whilst discerning in the meantime. I daren’t talk to my family about any of this as they are totally secular and would be freaked out if I became a monk or priest, so I’m trying to wait and see if I have a vocation.

Any guidance/prayers would be appreciated.

Josh

 

[Cloisters]

I think I’d be carrying a St Benedict medal crucifix blessed for exorcism, and asking the same saint for assistance, if you are, indeed, to be his spiritual son.

Are you currently on campus? College campuses seem to be imbued with the spirits of rebellion and vice. Take life one second at a time, and stay as busy as possible. Doing so is very Benedictine, for even the sick are to be given some task so the devil finds them busy. Go work out, if there’s time. Such will help to dissipate the cortisol built up by the academic stress. Impurity is one way of producing cortisone.

Can you look at Our Lady without problems? Find a pic of her as Help of Christians or Terror of Demons.

Get some Holy Water and sprinkle it on your bed before you retire for the night.

How much longer do you have on campus? Think to yourself, “One less day” or “One less hour” before you can return home. Even if your family is very secular, they still have “Jesus virtues” – compassion, etc. In their case, though, compassion is misplaced into evils such as abortion, etc. Don’t look at them as secular, look at them as your beloved family, as Jesus would want you to do. They don’t have to know about your monastic attractions yet.

Blessings,
Mrs Cloisters OP
Lay Dominican
http://cloisters.tripod.com/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/charity/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/holyangels/id9.html/

 

[TheLittleLady]

While this article was written about a woman discernment, it may speak to you as well:

Understanding God as Lover of Our Soul

 

[Mary888]

Offering up prayers for you.
And may I add while on this earth we are all, at best, struggling sinners. You not being perfect does not mean you don’t qualify for becoming a monk if you feel called by Christ to do so. I understand there is a period of trial anyway, after the abbot accepts you, you just have to pass those trials and accept obedience.

 

[Bluebright]

About your vice, no offence but have you asked God to help you? I am sure you have but as it is so obvious sometimes people overlook it. There are some things, vice’s in particular we are simply unable to conquer by ourselves and only God can help us, however, we must come to realise our complete dependence on him so patience is also very necessary. Of course suffering comes with the territory once we give something over to God to help us with for great love does hurt. I can pm you a talk I listened to if you want about this, better put than my simplistic words. God bless you, patience is key. Let God show you the way in his time. Trust in him.

 

[C.Ray]

Josh,

I was in a similar situation as yourself about ten years ago. I too was unable to overcome certain habitual sins, and for that reason did not attend seminary.

The Lord had other plans. I’m now happily married and a father, a vocation to which I did not think myself called, and I am also better equipped with the grace to combat those sins which dogged me for so long.

I’m not saying you are also called to marriage; I am saying be patient. Your calling, if it is to holy orders or something else, will be made clear in time. My advice to you is not to lose heart, and be on your guard. The enemy will surely use this to try to discourage you.

-C