At odds... Agnostic Boyfriend

[epan]

I am new to Catholic Answers so hello everyone! I posted this in another forum but it disappeared for some reason so I think I might of placed it in the wrong area (I hope this is correct now)

I was raised Catholic and come from a very religious family. For awhile I strayed from the church and during this time I met my current agnostic boyfriend who I have been together with for a little over 3 years now. I am deeply in love with this man. He is my everything, he has a kind heart and takes care of me, and we connect on such a deep level of intimacy and until recently I was positive he was the one.

A little while back, within the past four months I started reconnecting with my faith. Going back to church and confession and even attending a young adult group at my church. With that came the discussion with my boyfriend that I no longer wanted to have sex and would like to wait for marriage, as well as the news that I would like to raise my future children Catholic as well. Although he respected the decision at the time when it was brought up, I have felt him pushing me further away and resenting me for these decisions. We had a talk about it and he made clear to me that he isn’t quite sure he wants his children to be raised in the Catholic faith and has found himself feeling bitter towards the religion because of the recent changes I have made.

I have prayed everyday for guidance and even more that he would come to understand the Catholic religion. While neither of us want to break up, I fear that it will just get more difficult with time and I know even harder if and when we do decide to have children. I am so in love with this man and cannot even begin to imagine life without him by my side but I am very much at odds here and I ask for your prayers and advice.

This sounds like a very challenging situation.

I would tend to side with your BF, in that children should be allowed to choose their religious affiliation, if any, once they are old enough to understand and make such choices. It is totally preposterous to label an 8 year old as being an adherent of one religion or another.

Having been raised a Catholic, I also understand that Catholic view that children must be indoctrinated from birth, in order to provide salvation for them.

Obviously, these differing views are irreconcilable.

Since you are asking for advice, mine would be for you to seek another Catholic with spouse potential, if you are sure that you are a Catholic, and intend to remain as one. It is unfair to expect a non-catholic to allow his or her children to be forced into Catholicism, just at is would be unrealistic for a non-Catholic spouse to expect a Catholic spouse not to follow Church Directives on the raising of children. Disharmony is built into such a relationship, on this topic, since a satisfactory compromise is unlikely.

 

[Memaw]

This sounds like a very challenging situation.

I would tend to side with your BF, in that children should be allowed to choose their religious affiliation, if any, once they are old enough to understand and make such choices. It is totally preposterous to label an 8 year old as being an adherent of one religion or another.

Having been raised a Catholic, I also understand that Catholic view that children must be indoctrinated from birth, in order to provide salvation for them.

Obviously, these differing views are irreconcilable.

Since you are asking for advice, mine would be for you to seek another Catholic with spouse potential, if you are sure that you are a Catholic, and intend to remain as one. It is unfair to expect a non-catholic to allow his or her children to be forced into Catholicism, just at is would be unrealistic for a non-Catholic spouse to expect a Catholic spouse not to follow Church Directives on the raising of children. Disharmony is built into such a relationship, on this topic, since a satisfactory compromise is unlikely.

Do you wait until a child is old enough to decide what language he wants to speak before teaching him how to talk??? The Catholic Church is the One, True, Church and every Catholic parent has a serious responsibility to raise their children in the Church founded by Jesus Christ. If they fail in that, they have to answer to God for it. We all have a free will and can still decide for ourselves after we get older what way we want our lives to go. Then we have to answer to God for our own decisions. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Captain_America]

OP: how can you date the guy for 3 years and not have come to a decision about marriage?

This is hard to fathom.

For my two cents, you’ll save yourself enormous grief by cutting the cord and letting him go. If he hasn’t asked you by now, you should wonder whether he’s very serious. Is he a boy still? a man-boy?

Your faith and how you live you faith really matters to a person. You can’t half-do it.

 

[VivienneJ]

I have definitely been questioning myself if it will all be worth it and have even run through the scenarios that you have mentioned like Thanksgiving dinner and Sunday mass. My mind always reverts to thinking that** there’s a way to make it work** because my love for him is still so strong but I know that I have to be able to really see the consequences of my decision based on the long run.

There may well be a way to make this work, but it will be hard, always requiring pre-thinking, pre-planning and compromises - it will be Work. Not a way to start marriage. There is a lot of pre-thinking, pre-planning and compromises that have to happen anyway, and that when you start on the same page - when you start in different books it is huge, every time.

And although I stand firm in my beliefs I can’t help but feel guilty for springing this on him when he fell in love with me 3 years ago I wasn’t the same person. I feel awful for making an ultimatum, almost like it is selfish of me to demand such things of someone I love.

Yes, you are a different person now, many of us change tremendously between 20 and say 25 - when I think back to the guys I was dating at that age…they would not have been suitable life partners, for me. There is nothing wrong in changing, but you do need to recognise that you are someone different from the person your boyfriend fell in love with three years ago.

As for now it’s terribly heartbreaking for me to even think of ending this relationship but if it’s in Gods plan I pray that he give me the strength to carry on. Being 24 and just now reconnecting with my faith in such a secular world, it’s hard enough dealing with figuring out who I am and what I believe and now coming to terms with loosing my relationship seems like such a daunting task. I feel so weak… and I continue to ask for your prayers. Thank you.

If you think it is heartbreaking to think of ending this relationship now, it is nothing compared to how it will feel some years and a couple of children down the line when you have to admit that the whole thing is not working.

Right now a friend of mine is going through just this. She wasn’t so strong in her faith when they married; he thought he could adjust to her faith; she has become much more active with her faith; he took a few steps, then fell over countless stumbling blocks; they are parting ways because he no longer wants to be the one who stops her growing in her faith; she hoped he would be able to change and with deep sadness has to recognise that will not happen.

Why set yourself up for even deeper heartache?

 

[BettyBoop416]

Do you wait until a child is old enough to decide what language he wants to speak before teaching him how to talk???

I’ve seen CAF’ers use some nutty analogies before, but this one takes the prize.

 

[Estevao]

I’ve seen CAF’ers use some nutty analogies before, but this one takes the prize.

How about you take the time to unpack it instead of replying with a snarky one liner? Or do you actually find the whole “religion is child abuse” new athiest talking point convincing like epan does? If so that would explain why you think one liners are suitable discourse, because that’s all these new atheists and their internet atheist disciples seem to be capable of.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I dated a Catholic boy for 5 years that went to Catholic schools but he had no interest in the faith and neither did I. I had an experience of God, came into the Church, and was so happy to come into a relationship with God. When I told the boyfriend this, our relationship basically fell apart, as you may be sensing yourself in your situation. He went on, got married outside the church, and that marriage lasted under 5 years, he eventually got married again, and that marriage fell apart. He’s got a girlfriend now and he’s in his 50’s. What a roller coaster I could have been on and have been spared by the mercy of God. At the time of the break up I was very unhappy and heart broken. But, looking at the crucifix with Christ hanging on the cross, I knew that that was what love really was. Self giving to the shedding of blood. The saints loved like that because of the merits that Christ gained on the cross, and they plugged into that and did heroic things. It is very difficult with our weak nature to love someone else unselfishly unless we go to the sacraments and draw down graces upon ourselves, our marriage, our families, and the whole world. This is our calling as Catholics.

Imagine for a moment a Catholic husband. He can shut off the TV and has a rosary in his hand. He kneels down at church and knows how to pray. He goes up reverently to communion, he waits in line for confession. He bows his head and says grace at meals. He knows how to plug in to God so that when hard times come, as they do to everyone, he meets them on his knees, asking for God’s help. Your future children will watch and see it all. This is the kind of man that will give his life for you and your future children. He will grow in grace and help you too. Both of you will hold hands before God and say that we did our best, and it will be your best. How much better is that then to come before God at the end of your life and say that I had to make a lot of compromises along the way to get along. You are very fortunate that this is your boyfriend and not your husband. I was too some years back, and I’m grateful for that.

May God be your strength and guide you today.

 

[Memaw]

How about you take the time to unpack it instead of replying with a snarky one liner? Or do you actually find the whole “religion is child abuse” new athiest talking point convincing like epan does? If so that would explain why you think one liners are suitable discourse, because that’s all these new atheists and their internet atheist disciples seem to be capable of.

I wonder how many souls try “snarky one liners” on God when they come face to face with Him. God Bless, Memaw

 

[revertgirl]

Please listen to me. I was in your same shoes several years back and married my agnostic boyfriend (after I reverted to the faith). While he did agree to us living a Catholic lifestyle (no birth control/NFP only, going to mass) and raising our kids Catholic (we have two little ones), it still is VERY VERY VERY hard, every single day. Hindsight is 20/20 and while I in no way regret our beautiful children and I am grateful for my blessings (he’s a decent man, just very deficient), if I could do it again I would definitely marry someone who is strong in their Catholic faith. It’s going to hurt you like hell to break it off, but please trust someone who personally knows in a very real regret-my-choice-every-single-day kind of way, the temporary pain of breaking up is nothing in comparison to a lifetime of a mismatched marriage. I will pray for you. Listen to Catholic radio–it will strengthen and help you. Also read some books by this gal who has written some great novels about a Catholic courtship courtshipnow.com/books.html

 

[judynurse]

I hope you, original Poster, are listening with your heart to these answers. Thank the good God that you are not yet married to this man. I’m sure he is trying to be “nice” to you, but your spiritual goals in life are diametrically opposed! You wish to be a good Catholic, to live a Catholic life, to raise your (future) children as Catholic, and perhaps have a son who is called to the Priesthood, or a daughter called to the Religious Life. With an Agnostic husband and father, your children will get a very mixed message, and the chances of their becoming either Agnostic or atheist in future are greatly increased with their parents on opposite tracks spiritually! You would also be “unequally yoked” and that is an extremely hard life to live, and possibly would end in a divorce. IF a Priest would marry both of you (provided your boyfriend is willing to attend pre-Cana, and also willing to allow his future children to be raised Catholic), you will have much more pain in the future than you will have by breaking this off NOW. Don’t go into marriage with the quiet thought that “I’ll change him in the future”. What you get now is what you will live with, and people get more set in their ways as they age, not more flexible. Look around you at Mass: there are often many more women than men at Masses, some with their children. No husband with them. Then look at those who come as a family, the husband is praying, receiving Communion, obviously in love with the Faith. Which future marriage would you prefer???

Be honest with yourself. You want a Catholic life and a Catholic marriage. God will give you a Catholic husband and helpmate, if you will just trust Him now, and not jump at the first one who says “marry me” and is nice. You are not an old maid of 50 who has few choices – and even if you were, you’d still have a CHOICE. I married my beautiful, prayerful husband when I was 53, he attended every week with me at Mass, and stated prior to marriage he wanted to convert & began the process prior to our marriage. I had the joy of not only being his RCIA teacher, but his Sponsor when he made his Profession of Faith a year later. He was stricter with me with insisting on daily Rosary, daily prayer, Grace at meals and Mass every week than I might have been on myself – and I’ve been Catholic since age 9, and spent a few years in a Convent! He was a very devout Catholic, and had always wanted to become Catholic. His first wife was Baptist, and religious, also a daily reader of Scriptures, but not willing to become Catholic, because of HER family. He was a 64 year old widower without children when we married, and he cried the day he became Catholic, as he’d wanted to do so since childhood, but his parents refused. He sneaked out to Masses often as a kid! He died 2 1/2 years ago at age 79 (2 weeks prior to his 80th birthday), received the Last Rites, and told the Priest "make sure I have a VERY CATHOLIC FUNERAL! And he did. I am still inspired in my spiritual life by his example. You should want this for yourself and your future family. Don’t settle for the first one to come along. You may not have been practicing your faith when you met him, but you have returned (Praise God!!) and now owe it to yourself to wait for the Catholic husband the Lord has planned for you. Break off this relationship, become more involved with your Catholic Youth Group, and “wait upon the Lord”. He will send you the life mate He has planned for you since you were conceived. God be with you and grant you His strength to follow Him!

 

[mmblueskies]

I thank God for all of your stories, they have been so comforting. Judynurse I wish I could give you a hug, your story and words are so comforting to hear. It helps me to remember that all though things seem so hard and difficult now, God has a plan. PennyinCanada your story gives me strength and clarity. And revertgirl I have been listening to Catholic radio everyday and I will definitely check out that book. I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am for everyone who has shared their stories and advice. At a time when I feel so lost I am able to come here and find comfort to know that I am not alone. We haven’t quite decided what to do with our relationship but it looks like we will most likely be ending things soon. We’ve been through so much together and had so many experiences and memories that it seems almost impossible to throw it all away. I feel so broken. It seems like the hardest thing ive ever had to go through but I ask for your prayers that God may give me strength to go through this.

 

[judynurse]

God Bless and strengthen you! You are making the right choice here. Don’t weaken, although you hurt now. Later in life, you will look back and realize the Lord was helping you through this and especially through the prayers we are sending to Him on your behalf. Stay strong, stay focused on your Faith, and especially try praying both the Rosary and the “Hail, Holy Queen” and the “Memorarae” every day. Our Blessed Mother will hold you in her arms and help you all the way through and lead you safely to the life Her Son wants you to have.