At the breaking point in our marriage

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NurseyJ

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My husband of 10 years and I are on the fritz. He is a loving father but a lazy and neglectful husband. He is not ambitious, does the minimum, has let himself go considerably, lets me handle 95% of the day-to-day planning. I have asked him, very nicely, to please see a doctor (for a check up). I have suggested some books about marriage/masculinity. He refuses, not outright, but just ignores my requests. He has always been passive and mostly unambitious though I didn’t quite realize just how much when we got married as he has always held a steady job (albeit an entry level job). When things come to a head, he will put in an effort for a few months at most but he always eventually reverts to being lazy, grumpy, annoyed that he’s been called to do any adulting. He has zero interest in sex and is generally very neglectful as a spouse. He has admitted that he needs a better job so that I can work less and be home for our children more but has not tried for a better job. I’ve arranged marital counseling, pastoral counseling and retrouvaille in the past. Any breakthroughs or changes don’t last. I don’t yell or name call. I’m not “mean.” However, I have shut down emotionally towards him. I am at the point where I genuinely feel that I hate him. I don’t want to destroy my children. Please help!
 
Hi NurseyJ. I remember your previous threads on this subject. Your husband is probably not going to change his personality, so I think you’re going to have to learn how to not resent him and make your lives the best they can be with him. What can you do to build him up? How can you focus on his good qualities? You’re frustrated, and that’s understandable. But I think your best chance of happiness is reaching out to your husband, not to “fix” him, but to recover your intimacy with him.
 
First and foremost, take a breath.
You seem well over the limit of the stress meter.
Second, take a few moments to pray to God for help. If things are going to change, that change must come first through God’s Grace.
Third, seek a marriage counselor.
Fourth, keep on taking deep breaths.
 
All I know is that persistency and consistency work.
When my wife wants action, she just needs to keep at it until I submit.
She is not loud, mean, or nasty, just persistent… like a bulldog. 😀
 
Or you could be a kind, considerate human being and do things on your own before she asks or if she asks once.

Why do you play these emotional games with your wife, establishing that you won’t do anything unless she continually reminds and nags you?

This is not acceptable behavior for an adult partner in a marriage.
 
Um… I don’t care how long you have been married, comparing your wife to a bulldog is never a wise choice.
 
Looking at your posting history, it seems as if you have returned to these forums, after about a 3-year absence! And, it seems like you have the same complaints-your husband works steadily, but does not make as much as you’d like, you’d like to spend more time with your kids but must work, etc., etc…

Have you worked on any of these problems in the last few years? Has your husband? Have you …well, I guess you have told him how you feel, he just isn’t responding as quickly as you’d like…

If you really thought things were awful, it’s kind of strange that you’re still together. I don’t like to see a marriage fail, especially one with children, but it seems like neither of you is getting much out of the marriage…and, maybe never did, and never will!

Are you both going to church, regularly? If even one of you is, you should make an appointment to have a serious talk with your pastor. You should try and talk out all of your problems, and discuss possible solutions. You said, in your last thread, that you lived in a good area, near family and friends, but to stay there, either you would have to keep working, or your husband would have to earn more money. There was also the question of some student loans that needed to be paid. Have any of these problems been resolved? If you’ve paid off all student loans, or will soon have them paid, you should have quite a load off your backs. But, you still sound unhappy. Are your kids getting their sacraments, soon? (From your older posts, it seems as if they would coming up soon).

Please…see a priest. If it is indeed time fot the kids’ sacraments, it should be joyful for all of you! Maybe your husband doesn’t understand just how deeply you’ve been hurting. Have you ever seen a marriage counselor? Separately, or together? You really should see your priest, let him help you sort this out. I know, I’ve been repeating myself so,
I’ll close with this…your priest is the next person you should ask for advice.

Take care, and God Bless!
 
If this has been going on for multiple years and nothing has changed, and the man is a loving father and you want to put the kids’ interests first, then it sounds like you might just have to accept him as he is and make the best of the situation.

I understand it is frustrating when spouses don’t live up to expectations, but I also know that expecting a spouse to change is going to result in dashed hopes most of the time. Better to try to figure out ways you can better live with spouse’s habits.

If he works steadily and is there for his kids, he’s already a couple steps ahead of a lot of men in our society, sadly.
 
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NurseyJ doesn’t tend to reply much on her threads; it may be that she’s looking for a safe place to vent rather than practical advice. It just occurred to me, however, NurseyJ, that it would probably be a good idea for you to consider the possible consequences of your husband coming on the forums or seeing your browsing history and finding himself described as lazy, unhygienic, etc.
 
I don’t know if there’s anything anyone on an online forum that can say something that will stimulate some sort of breakthrough for you. It sounds like you are stuck with a fairly mediocre specimen of man-child. I guess you could pray for some sort of crisis situation to occur in your life that will stimulate him out of his stupor and encourage him to step up and be the man you want him to be, but that sort of thing can easily backfire too. Hating him isn’t going to do you much good though. Hating someone is like trying to hurt them by whacking yourself in the head. Maybe it would be best if you focused on some self-care for a while? Do stuff that makes you happy, because it sounds like you’re letting this petulant husband of yours make you miserable, which isn’t really necessary. If one can be happy with no husband at all, then one ought to be able to find happiness with a husband that doesn’t rise much above consistent baby-sitter. You just have to figure out ways to make your own happiness that don’t require his participation. (PS- NOT another man though.)
 
Yes, in looking at all the threads and the posts on them, it doesn’t seem as if the OP is trying hard to change things. Nor is her husband. At best she’s found a place to vent. I guess there’s not much harm…or good…in that. Just hope their kids can figure out what’s going on, and aren’t too disappointed, or expect major changes. OP, please look out for your kids, and don’t let them expect too much. What are they, around 6 and 12, now? You do call your husband a ‘good father’. Let’s hope that’s true, and you can have some time to yourself. I hope the family is in a fairly good place, and that you can be happy sometimes!
 
Apparently my last post answering several of the questions posed in this thread was flagged and removed. Anywho, I thank all of the people who actually contributed thoughtful feedback. Cheers!
 
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Give me a break. More likely he has “zero interest in sex” because his wife thinks he’s lazy, unhygienic, and a host of other things.

No man wants to have sex with a wife who indicates that she’s disappointed in him for not making more money and not doing this and not doing that. Plus they already have a few children, maybe that’s all he thinks he can afford on the job he works at steadily.

I realize you kind of specialize in discussing pornography addictions, but you’re very young and not married, and it’s better for you to not assume about other people’s marriages unless there is evidence of an actual pornography addiction.
 
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received during a rocky marriage time was to accept that my husband is who he is, and he is the man I married, I have to accept him as he is now and stop looking for him to meet some ideal I have in my head.

Also, Matthew Kelly in “7 Levels of Intimacy” suggests we remember the beginning, what brought you together, what you used to do for fun. Remember your story.

Maybe he is happy at an “entry level job”. Maybe he would be a great house husband while you pursue a career, that is what we did for years and our son is an amazing man for having his dad there every day.
 
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