At what point do you call it quits

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chloe

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I am just curious at what point do you call it quits when your marriage is on the rocks? Having friends and family that have been through divorce, it is not something that I take lightly. And, having children in itself to me is a reason to put their needs first. We’ve been married about 14 yrs. and have had more than our share of ups and downs. I’ve probably overlooked things more than I should have because I seen my own parents struggle etc. and always stick it out. Although, my husband and I do love each other, we have a way of getting into some pretty intense fights. And, it seems to stem back to trust and respect issues. When we first got married, we did party alot with friends. He sometimes partied too much and got home at wee hours in the morning. After having a child, that was not ok with me anymore and it got old. Then, he has a single chic from his work come on to him and as I am noticing it and speaking up about it, he ignores it and writes it off. I find out he had been talking to her about us and was not too happy. Mostly, because it was obvious she had hopes of getting together with him. Drinking issues from time to time because of his work and obligation to “entertain” that I totally disagree with. And, ofcourse over the last 5 yrs. he cheated on me twice via internet/telephone talking to women. Our other big fight seems to always center around money every now and then. I have to say that I am glad that I work and have a good job because I would never want to be dependent on a man. My husband is a flirt by nature and alot of fun to be around but, sometimes I feel he cares more about the attention he gets from others vs. me. Ofcourse, the attention he has been getting from me is that I feel like I have to be his parent. He is a good dad and a good person but, we both get tired of fighting. He is a horrible communicator and I am the opposite and that always seems to be another issue. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I just want to be loved and pampered a little and be first in their eyes. After everything that has happened between us I am a little needy for good attention and although I am trying to realize that maybe he is too, I am sort of selfish that maybe I deserve it more. We have tried counseling and I think that is for the birds. And, now with all this stuff between us, it is hard not to let it get in the way of our fights. And, we both end up feeling worse, rejected, depressed, etc. etc. I am reading Dr. Phils Relationship Rescue book and it is really good. And, I pray alot…but I can’t help but think we are never going to connect. We have alot going for us on the positive side, great friends, similar interests, but, because of these bad things that have happened, I am not sure I can get over trust issues when new things come up. He is a pretty lovable guy, most people love him. I just wish he would pamper me more and believe me I tell him and ofcourse he feels like he does nothing right so I swear he doest try he just shuts down and goes into his cave. So, I have to be the strong one and act like everything is fine so he will cheer up again. I have my bad habits, I am somewhat critical and have a temper when things don’t go my way but, I always give in or deal with stuff ultimately to make peace. Ofcourse, this can’t ever tell the whole story but, what are the answers. There are times when I thought everything was peachy king and here he is talking on the phone to other women about sex. It really really hurt…more because they were not just friendship calls there was more to it. He is sorry and making amends. He says he loves me very much. But, I feel like I would be better off with a man who can handle my strong personality and who can talk to me in a way where we actually connect and we both feel it and I know I can TRUST them.
 
get counselling, nobody hear can help you, other than sharing our own experiences. Go to confession regularly and stay with the sacraments. If you lived together before marriage, if you ever have or are now contracepting this is critical. If your husband won’t go to counselling, go yourself. If you have knowledge he is sleeping around, do not have sex with him without an AIDS check. Don’t know if there is a test for herpes. If he is abusive, get you and your kids out immediately. A man who abuses his wive will eventually abuse the children. Get a lawyer to protect your financial interests and those of your children. If your husband has already decided he doesn’t want to stay married, your focus has to be protection. If he is open to working on it, you need counselling. Regardless, you need the sacraments. Investigate Retrouville and Marriage Encounter in your diocese.
 
You call it quits when you realize that it always has been quits: that is, one or both of you either are fatally flawed as a spouse or never gave consent to all aspects of the marriage covenant. A spouse that chooses to sin does not give grounds for annulment if he or she is capable of being in a mature and faithful partner and had fully consented to be so at the time of marriage. In other words, one question is not just “Is your spouse faithful?” but also “Is the concept of faithful even within his grasp to accomplish?”

That does not mean that legal separation or even divorce wouldn’t be open as moral options–you might have to protect family assets for the common good of the family for instance–but it would preclude re-marriage.

If you are reading Dr. Phil’s book, you know that enduring things as they are is not an option, and that changing your spouse is not an option. You can’t change anyone else, but it is remarkable how often a change in one spouse leads to a change in the other. You will never be in a happy, fulfilling marriage if you are not willing to take on the challenges of adulthood, one of which is to refuse to be satisfied with your own faults and how they hurt others. You’re never going to get rid of your faults, but you’ll never get anywhere with the attitude that it is up to anyone else to deal with them. If your “strong personality” is just self-centeredness, unrealistic expectations of how much the world revolves around you, and poor anger management skills, then don’t expect that finding the right man is going to land you in a great marriage. Wonderful guys who don’t yell, for instance, usually don’t cotton to women who won’t say what they want until it comes to yelling.

My understanding is that your marriage is a good one until proven otherwise… you have to make a credible attempt to make it work before an annulment can be granted. Ask yourself what you mean by “counseling is for the birds.” Does it mean you don’t want anyone trying to point your flaws out and holding your feet to the fire, or do you mean that a counselling session with your husband is like holding a congress of ducks? A note from your councellor agreeing to the latter is something that will probably help if you ever try to get an annulment.

The good news is that if you work on you (or rather, allow God to work on you) and find out you don’t have a marriage and never will, then you will have made yourself ready for a real marriage. Your chances of a successful marriage are so much better if you do the work being asked of you now.

And don’t think that I think you are a terrible person, or even concern yourself with what I think of you. We all have our faults that we struggle with. Hang in there and keep at it! God knows all about you, and loves you just as you are… but He won’t be satisfied until He teaches you to love as you were always intended to.
 
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chloe:
I am just curious at what point do you call it quits when your marriage is on the rocks?

NEVER.

Dear Chloe Friend:

I know it is sooooo hard, and have been and am still, in your shoes you wear. with numerous issues in my marriage too! Most women are. The temptation, the influences of our sick culture. Unless we women have a truly Godly Man, things can seem really hopeless can’t they? Believe me I know.

Divorce is NOT an option. Get this straight first and foremost. Whatever stuff is going on–see a CHRISTIAN counselor and get help. We are–our 2nd appt. is tomorrow. There is always hope. What GOD joins together let NO MAN put asunder. Remember this dear Chloe.

Today some of us on this forum are fasting and praying for our spouses. Please join us. If not today, tomorrow. See the beautiful prayer of St. Rita posted here.

Stick with it. Try to just BE the woman and wife God means for you to be. Communicate in Love, tell hubby you desire a Christian Marriage, and pray.
 
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sparkle:
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chloe:
I am just curious at what point do you call it quits when your marriage is on the rocks?
NEVER.

Dear Chloe Friend:

I know it is sooooo hard, and have been and am still, in your shoes you wear. with numerous issues in my marriage too! Most women are. The temptation, the influences of our sick culture. Unless we women have a truly Godly Man, things can seem really hopeless can’t they? Believe me I know.

Divorce is NOT an option. Get this straight first and foremost. Whatever stuff is going on–see a CHRISTIAN counselor and get help. We are–our 2nd appt. is tomorrow. There is always hope. What GOD joins together let NO MAN put asunder. Remember this dear Chloe.

Today some of us on this forum are fasting and praying for our spouses. Please join us. If not today, tomorrow. See the beautiful prayer of St. Rita posted here.

Stick with it. Try to just BE the woman and wife God means for you to be. Communicate in Love, tell hubby you desire a Christian Marriage, and pray.
I AGREE WITH SPARKLE

You have to fight. Fight for that marriage. I thank God my wife did. We almost lost it at 9 years. We are now fast aproaching 16. The Couples for Christ can help too - they helped us.

Remember: For Better and for worst.
 
I left my first marriage for many reasons mostly because of alcohol and drugs. I eventually did get an annullment. In my case, I know I did the right thing. When I remarried, my 1st husband basically cut off all contact with our daughter and stopped sending child support. Even so, my advice to you is that you shouldn’t think the grass is greener on the other side. Specifically, what I mean is that if you think there is another man out there who will treat you better, then think again! Four and 1/2 years into my second marriage has been very rocky. We are expecting our first child together in April, (unplanned). There are many days when I think that it isn’t worth it to stay in this marriage and then I usually turn it over to God. And you know what, He usually answers, maybe not right away, but eventually He gives me strength and courage to go on. Go to counseling with a Catholic or Christian counselor. It does help. Believe me it helped me and my dh… Good luck and may God bless you,
 
Have you heard of Retrouvaille? Its like an engaged or marriage encounter, only for couples that are having troubles. If the two of you want to work on the marriage it can be a huge help. How much does he want to work on the marriage? My husband and I went two years after the fallout of an affair. We wanted to work on our marriage and stay together, but we didn’t know where or how to start healing. It seemed like counseling just opened wounds, it was expensive and the meeting were few and far between. Retrouvaille was a Godsend for us. We still have trouble, probably always will, but we’ve made some real breakthroughs without a therapist.

Bottomline, you both keep trying. Doesn’t mean it will ever be perfect, but it can be better** IF **you are both wanting it.

www.retrouvaille.org
 
Chloe,

I wrote you a private post last night to which I assume was your first original one concerning your marriage. I was just browsing through again tonight and found this other thread.

My heart truly aches for you my sister, but I must implore you to hang in there.

My husband too let his guard down bye telling another woman too much about our married life. This made our marriage transparent to this other woman and soon she knew the weak areas to prey upon. It was just a matter of time before this led to a full blow affair.

Many years ago a friend of mine prayed for us and the Lord gave her a vision of my husband standing on a wood floor which was crumbling and giving away under him. Under the wood floor was sharp jagged rocks and I was there laying down moss on these to soften his fall. I was also given a prayer which is: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, please save my husband”. Little did I know that some ten years later, I would understand the meaning of the vision.

My husband was ready to give up his life with me and live his life with her. I can tell you that through all this pain I had, the Lord filled me with an abundance of grace that even my husband couldn’t believe that I didn’t react the way he assumed I would. The Lord showed me the true love that I have for him. God’s true love has manifested within me which gave me the grace to forgive him. The next four days were hell for he was riddled with so much guilt and confusion. I remembered the prayer “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, please save my husband” and started praying it. The miracle that soon took place that same day still puts me is awe when I think about it. I watched my husband before my eyes give into his conviction of his heart. Within a few hours of saying that prayer, we were back together again. To repair the damage that has been done take much patience, forgiveness, grace, mercy and prayer. Not to mention a lifetime of commitment. I must be honest and tell you that I have good and bad days and sometimes the pain is too much for me to bear. It is then when I pray for myself “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, please help me carry my cross”. I truly feel the load lighten.

It is not the Lord’s way to take a man away from his wife and give to another woman. However, there is nothing that He can not heal if both husband and wife are willing. For my husband to be willing, I had to pray and pray and pray. Please give this simple prayer a chance and pray it with much fervor and conviction.

Remember that the family that prayer together, stays together!!!

Your sister in Christ,

Mary’s Girl
 
Chloe,

I know what you are going through, and I know that it is hard. But, there is one thing that you have going for you and that is the fact that he is sorry and making amends. That is a wonderful start toward both of you reclaiming your marriage. Now, please pray for him and pray for God to make you the person He would have you to be. Also, as hard as it may be right now, please continue to love and serve your husband. That does not mean be a doormat, it just means to be the godly wife that we are called to be. That is probably one of the hardest things in this world to do when we feel betrayed, used, neglected, etc. But, it is all we can do. Last March, I was totally hopeless, and ready to leave my 12 year marriage. I am not even the leaving kind. I was not yet on my journey home to the Catholic faith, so I was listening to a Protestant type Christian radio station in my car. It was a program meant just for me. It was America’s Family Coaches Live. They said not to let Satan win the battle for my marriage. I bought the book The Power of a Praying Wife and with God’s help, began to reclaim my marriage. I learned so much about myself during that time (some things not so pretty) and am still learning. My husband has no idea that I did this, but that was 8 months ago. Things are much better now, I will pray for you and your marriage.
 
Dear Chloe!

Fourteen years is such a long time to be married…it is practically a modern day miracle in this society!

Your story reminds me of a close friend’s dilemma…she has endured well over ten full blown sexual affairs over twelve years…her hubby is very flirtatious and “charming”-(only to those who DON’T know him well). He is an outwardly handsome man-(but, ugly to me for his behavior!!!) He craves attention from everyone…women and men alike…even causes a scene to get people’s eyes on him.
He has chased away their “couple” friends by hitting on the wives and gets into trouble. He ruined his burgeoning political career and his own business all for the sake of causing a huge public scandal…involving a teenage exchange student living with them whom he brought as his date to a public town function and got her drunk…(she was immediately sent home by officials in 2 days).
My friend has endured everything and even was told by this husband that he never loved her-indeed now hates her-but only married her to impress his parents…
Can you see how this marriage is probably invalid?-at least according to her parish priest who has counselled both of them. This priest even offered her the money to help her and many children to flee from him and the abuse that began.

First-make sure that your marriage doesn’t have any impediments that may be preventing you from being married on God’s terms…a holy priest is necessary for this type of deep work!!

Then, if you are in a valid marriage, you must stay and do everything you can to fix yourself first! That is the only thing you can do. Perhaps, your hubby is attention-mongering to bolster a low self worth? Was there abuse in his family or neglect or a cold mother or distant alcoholic father?
If yes…then maybe try being really soft and kind to him…think on those things he does right, the talents he has, the good side of him and be really apreciative of him. Show him he is very important to you…
I understand the “strong” comment you made about yourself…but if you don’t “need” him then he might be picking up on that subconsciously and be feeling rejected by you.
Maybe try pampering him…ignoring your feelings that you deserve it more(although you well may!) and treat him as if he was the king of the home…try allowing him the chance to be right-as long as it doesn’t endanger your health and well-being as that of the children’s.
Try responding totally opposite from the way you have been when you disagree. Be kind and considerate and realize he is for some reason getting something-an ego boost- from those loose women who are indulging him…and he knows what they really want…and he is liking the feeling of being wanted…
Lastly, be willing in the bedroom…never reject him because even though us women can give love and receive love in other ways…men prefer to show their love in this way…and turning him down may really hurt him interiorly…
What a good wife you are! He is very blessed to have you-working to save your marriage. I hope he finds out what a blessing he is temporarily overlooking. I hope he comes around and notices the beautiful gift God has given him and gets his esteem from you!
God Bless!
Shelby Grace
 
Excuse me, but how old are you, 16?!? You claim to have been married for 14 years but you and your husband sound like a couple of self-absorbed teenagers! Who’s focusing on your kids while he’s off partying, drinking and having phone sex and your pining away for Prince Charming to come sweep you off your feet and be “pampered ?” To quote that well-regarded therapist, Cher, “Snap out of it!”

It’s time to leave fantasy land behind and face your own reality. You are married to a man who is and has been selfish and self-absorbed for 14 years. That’s not a behavior trend that is going to right itself overnight. While you do not describe behavior on your part that is nearly as destructive, your frustration has led you to be defensive (“I never want to be dependant on a man”) instead of open to the interdependent partnership that a healthy marriage requires.

God helps those who help themselves and it’s time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start down a new path. Congratulations on recognizing that you are at a crossroads. Perhaps YOU are the vehicle God has chosen to touch your husband and children, and this discontent you feel is His way of calling you to action.

Go slowly…don’t start with whether to divorce or not. Start examining your daily life: how do you parent, relate to your spouse, spend your time, money. Invite God into the process. (His mother Mary is a gentle intercessor). Focus on your own conduct–it is the only thing you can control. Set some basic goals and start working towards them. Stick with it even if you’re not immediately validated or rewarded emotionally. Your husband may or may not follow your lead, but I guarantee lifting yourself up is nothing you will ever look back upon with regret.

You have dismissed counseling, but have you considered finding a mentor? Not one of the partying friends who might find your husband’s antics amusing, but someone whose marriage, family life and faith are exemplary–who really “has it together.” Such a person, who can be trusted to be a confidant, can be a great source of encouragement as well as constructive criticism. Some parishes maintain family counselors who could help or serve as a resource.

Good luck. I know this may come off as “tough love,” but it sounds like a family hangs in the balance. Get in there and face the challenge. I for one will be praying for you.
 
You never call it quits, just like God never calls it quits on you. You will ALWAYS be married in God’s eyes. Of course you may have to leave if you are getting abused or something like that, but once married always married. Remember from the bible, the nagging woman gets her prayers answered. Never stop praying
 
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