At what point does "romantic interest" become sinful?

[johnisimus]

Hello, this is my first question I have asked in this forum, and have only recently discovered this truly excellent place for the discussion of our faith.

I am a 16 year old male, and fully understand that lustful desire is a serious sin, but, of course, to reach the holy state of marriage, there must be some premarital romantic interest involved if you are to fully accept this person into your life forever, and I don’t understand how to differentiate that from lustful desire.

This is something I have been struggling with for a while now, as there is a certain someone who I am romantically interested in, but fear that my interests may turn into sin, and I don’t understand how to deal with it. If she sits down on a couch, I want to sit next to her hoping that we may “accidentally” touch, but fear that if I do so I am giving in to the self-indulging pleasures that we, as Catholics, try to avoid before marriage. If, sometime in the future when we are old enough, we do begin dating, is it wrong for us to kiss? After all, the only people being gratified by a kiss are her and I, and I worry that this is just a self-indulging act, and I will no doubt receive a sexual pleasure out of it. The thing is, my romantic interest in her from the very beginning was driven mainly by sexual desire, and of course you could never become married in the first place if there was no romantic interest involved beforehand, so I must conclude that at a low and innocent level, sexual desire is not sinful, but necessary before marriage.

I have desires that I am trying to avoid giving into right now, and of course I get a pleasure out of merely laying eyes on her, because she is very pretty. But my main question is, are these desires sinful? And if not, at what point do they become sinful? At what point does innocent romantic interest become sinful lust?

 

[HickmanJosh]

Hello, this is my first question I have asked in this forum, and have only recently discovered this truly excellent place for the discussion of our faith.

I am a 16 year old male, and fully understand that lustful desire is a serious sin, but, of course, to reach the holy state of marriage, there must be some premarital romantic interest involved if you are to fully accept this person into your life forever, and I don’t understand how to differentiate that from lustful desire.

This is something I have been struggling with for a while now, as there is a certain someone who I am romantically interested in, but fear that my interests may turn into sin, and I don’t understand how to deal with it. If she sits down on a couch, I want to sit next to her hoping that we may “accidentally” touch, but fear that if I do so I am giving in to the self-indulging pleasures that we, as Catholics, try to avoid before marriage. If, sometime in the future when we are old enough, we do begin dating, is it wrong for us to kiss? After all, the only people being gratified by a kiss are her and I, and I worry that this is just a self-indulging act, and I will no doubt receive a sexual pleasure out of it. The thing is, my romantic interest in her from the very beginning was driven mainly by sexual desire, and of course you could never become married in the first place if there was no romantic interest involved beforehand, so I must conclude that at a low and innocent level, sexual desire is not sinful, but necessary before marriage.

I have desires that I am trying to avoid giving into right now, and of course I get a pleasure out of merely laying eyes on her, because she is very pretty. But my main question is, are these desires sinful? And if not, at what point do they become sinful? At what point does innocent romantic interest become sinful lust?

You must combat your sexual desires as best as possible, relationships are not all about sex so force it from your mind, when you think of her try to think of her personality. It is only natural for guys to be attracted to women, that being said to must always remember: She is Gods princes and you must protect her and dignify her to that level. And you are Gods prince and you must act and think with all the discipline and devotion of a Priest. You are attracted to her but you musent let the physical attraction out grow your seance of reason.
Picture yourself in her position, would you want a guy thinking of you in sexual ways when you and him are both Catholic and unmarried? To have these thoughts come into your mind is not sinful, but what you do with thouse thoughts can determine weather or not they are, if you dwell on them then you are playing host to a sin.

if you feel this problem is serious enough you could also talk with a spiritual director, there is only so much we here can do.

 

[Secret_Square]

One way to determine if your interest in this girl is love or merely lust would be to ask yourself what you would do if something happened to her that made her no longer physically attractive – for example, if she got in an accident or was burned in a fire or got cancer and lost all her hair from chemotherapy. Are her personality, intellect, interests, and character attractive enough to you that you would still genuinely enjoy spending time with her (not just out of a sense of obligation) even if her physical appearance were not as attractive?

 

[RSD]

Hello, this is my first question I have asked in this forum, and have only recently discovered this truly excellent place for the discussion of our faith.

I am a 16 year old male, and fully understand that lustful desire is a serious sin, but, of course, to reach the holy state of marriage, there must be some premarital romantic interest involved if you are to fully accept this person into your life forever, and I don’t understand how to differentiate that from lustful desire.

This is something I have been struggling with for a while now, as there is a certain someone who I am romantically interested in, but fear that my interests may turn into sin, and I don’t understand how to deal with it. If she sits down on a couch, I want to sit next to her hoping that we may “accidentally” touch, but fear that if I do so I am giving in to the self-indulging pleasures that we, as Catholics, try to avoid before marriage. If, sometime in the future when we are old enough, we do begin dating, is it wrong for us to kiss? After all, the only people being gratified by a kiss are her and I, and I worry that this is just a self-indulging act, and I will no doubt receive a sexual pleasure out of it. The thing is, my romantic interest in her from the very beginning was driven mainly by sexual desire, and of course you could never become married in the first place if there was no romantic interest involved beforehand, so I must conclude that at a low and innocent level, sexual desire is not sinful, but necessary before marriage.

I have desires that I am trying to avoid giving into right now, and of course I get a pleasure out of merely laying eyes on her, because she is very pretty. But my main question is, are these desires sinful? And if not, at what point do they become sinful? At what point does innocent romantic interest become sinful lust?

First of all, be very aware as you grow in wisdom and stature that this is NOT a simple easy question with a simple easy answer. The simplest answer (which is not easy) is to offer up every thought, impulse and desire in prayer. This will help you to grow your prayer life, which will help in every way. You are trying to discern several different things all at once, and constant prayer can only help. Make sure that you allow your prayer life to grow. That will mean that every once in a while during prayer you should realize something that you have not understood before, or learned something in a new, deeper, way. If you do not experience this, learn to pray in different ways.

Do not, in trying to answer this question, be guided by people who are not trying to live out their Catholic faith, no matter how good they might seem in other ways. There is a lot of misunderstanding in this world about how God wants us to use our sexuality.

Be aware that your sexuality is a gift from God. Every part of it. Even the frustrated desires. You can offer up any suffering from frustration as you would any other sort of suffering, such as from illness or fasting.

A good general rule for your teenage years is to keep looking for a non-physical way to express your care for her. Talk to her, ask her questions about herself, look for common interests, and develop them.

Talk to adults who are good practicing Catholics and know you. I would guess that the parents who raised such a thoughtful young man would have something helpful to say about this issue. Do they know the girl?

Let us know if any of this helps.

 

[RSD]

P.S. The habit of offering up every desire to God, to test whether you can serve Him in pursuing this desire, is a good habit for life. Lust is not the only desire which can lead you astray. Keep in mind that even a desire for a good thing can lead you into sin. Food is a gift from God, but gluttony is a sin.

 

[johnisimus]

Thank you all for your help. Perhaps I should have clarified my real question. For one thing, I have absolutely no desire for premarital sex, it is something that I know is very, very sinful and something that I have avoided and plan on continuing to avoid. The thing is, I get an instant gratification when I touch her, and though I am not thinking about sex, I still receive a pleasure from physical contact. This is one of the reasons unmarried couples hold hands, isn’t it? It is not because of a desire to have intercourse with her that I enjoy being physically close, but just the simple pleasure that I get when I am. Does it count as lust even when I have absolutely ZERO desire to have sex, but I still enjoy being near her?

One more thing, I have realized through your thoughtful posts that nearly all my interest in her is love, not lust. But this small part is something that has been burning by brain out as of late. It is difficult for me to understand how you could go through a whole relationship without holding hands or sitting next to each other, for when good Catholics do these things, they are not thinking about sex at all, but just enjoy being close.

 

[AdriannaJean]

The thing is, I get an instant gratification when I touch her, and though I am not thinking about sex, I still receive a pleasure from physical contact.

This is not lust! I get physical pleasure when my sister gives me a backrub. That’s not lust. People are social beings and being physically touched (nonsexually) is a part of a healthy life. As long as the physical contact you have with her doesn’t lead to you having sexual lustful thoughts, then you’re in the clear. God meant for us to take pleasure out of physical contact. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Does it count as lust even when I have absolutely ZERO desire to have sex, but I still enjoy being near her?

No, for it to be lustful, it must be sexual.

It is difficult for me to understand how you could go through a whole relationship without holding hands or sitting next to each other, for when good Catholics do these things, they are not thinking about sex at all, but just enjoy being close.

Loads of problematic bits here…first off, there is no need to never sit next to the person or hold their hand. I would venture to say that’s ridiculous unless you physically cannot constrain yourself when you’re in those circumstances.

Secondly, nobody is a good Catholic. The very reason that we are Catholic is precisely because we are not good! If we were good then we wouldn’t need God’s help. The liklihood that you can go through a relationship with someone that you are attracted to without ever having a moment of lustful thoughts (or actions for that matter) is slim to none because of our fallen nature. My advice to you is to not worry so much about what will make you fall off the hose because then you can never enjoy the ride! Just focus on getting back on once you fall off.

 

[Lynxdk]

It’s nice to get hugs from family members, yes? That has nothing to do with sex. You can over-think a situation as well as under-think it, so while I wouldn’t say “don’t worry about it” at all, don’t obsess over every feeling you get either. I ~very~ much enjoyed holding my daughter in my lap and playing with her when she was tiny, I still love carrying her around (even though she’s almost too big and hugs are always welcome and loved =)

Affection can be physical, and yet not sexual. As was said, offer the thoughts/feelings/desires up to God, and that will certainly help, just don’t put too much pressure on yourself thinking that every chaste glance or touch of affection could possibly be lust. It just takes some practice to figure them out if they’re new.