Attachment parenting

[goravens]

Can anyone give me their personal experiences in raising children using attachment parenting techniques such as nursing frequently, co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc? From what I’ve read, these kinds of techniques are natural parenting at its best and usually work to calm little ones. But is this always the case? Are there children who don’t respond as well to some of these techniques?

I baby-sat my 5 month old niece this evening and it left me feeling questioning my desire to use attachment parenting when we have children. Granted, she does not receive many of the attachment “techniques.” In fact we were asked to put her down to sleep in her crib at a specific time and let her cry it out, the latter of which definitely makes me uncomfortable. She fussed, cried and screamed a good portion of the evening and it seemed that nothing I did soothed or calmed her for more than a couple minutes at a time. It was frustrating, and I was left wondering if some of the AP techniques done by her parents who have kept her from getting to that screaming/crying point or if there are some children who are not as responsive to this as others.

I’d love to hear opinions and personal experiences from anyone…I could definitely use some godly guidance in this area. Thank you!

 

[AlanFromWichita]

goravens:

Can anyone give me their personal experiences in raising children using attachment parenting techniques such as nursing frequently, co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc? From what I’ve read, these kinds of techniques are natural parenting at its best and usually work to calm little ones. But is this always the case? Are there children who don’t respond as well to some of these techniques?

We have six children between first grade and freshman in college and we’re very happy with how they went.

I don’t know the current fad teaching on children; but I do know the “experts” changed their opinions with practically each of our children. One year they say you should put the baby on its back and the next year on its side or it could suffocate if it gets sick. One year they’ll say feed on a strict schedule and the next they’ll say “on demand.”

My unprofessional opinion on nursing is to do it more on demand than on schedule as much as possible.

I don’t know what is co-sleeping. Does that mean sleeping in same bed as siblings or parents? If so I have no particular problem with that, unless it threatens the parents’ relationship.

As far as letting babies cry themselves to sleep, this one is all over the map and I’d say you have to find out what works for you. Each child is different. They cry for slightly different reasons and under different circumstances. Nobody has a sure fire formula as far as I know.

A couple of my children did respond to being left alone to cry to sleep and yes it was hard but it only took like two days. When they acted really frightened, I stuck my head in periodically like every 15 minutes or so and said, “I hear you, sweetheart, and I love you. Now it’s time to sleep” or something so they have some hope at least that we haven’t abandoned them. The timing varied with the child and mood; preferably I’d reassure them right at a time when they quiet down a bit but seem like they’re about ready for another outburst.

As far as techniques and experts in general, I say listen to them but do what is right in your own heart without feeling any guilt or shame because your results or views are different than theirs. For just about every staunch opinion held by a child rearing expert, there is an equally staunch but opposite opinion held by a different expert.

Trust your parental instincts and get ready to experience the incredible joy that comes with being a parent.

Alan

 

[kamz]

with our fourth child we used baby wearing out of pure nessissty, as he had the worst colic I have ever seen in my life, no kidding, the total classic stuff, just crying all the time, so baby wearing was the only way we got anything done or had any time for our other 3 older kids, and the co sleeping we also used with this child, we bought one of those co sleeper deals that you put in between you and hubby and it has its own sides and mattress so you don’t roll over on baby and baby stays put, that also worked out very well and we actually managed a few hours of sleep at night Our son is now almost 2 years old and although he has his own room he still has his crib in our room as he screams non stop when we try to put him into his room but he goes right to sleep when he is in our room and he sleeps very good and stays asleep, I always said “before kids” I’ll never allow that etc. but you would be surprised the things you’ll try or do when you are tired, needing to get things done, etc. So go with your own gut instinct, and do what works for you when the time comes to have your own kids, you and your husband will know what is right and each parent uses their own style and alot of it depends on what kind of baby you have, some are so easy going you just can’t get over it but some need so much attention and cry so much and they have to be handeled different, you’ll know what to do since when your parents it just comes to you, so don’t worry

 

[MariaG]

First off, it is really hard to assess a situation using a “borrowed” child. Some children just do not want to be left with anyone but mom (or sometimes dad). So any techniques you used would not work because all your niece wanted was her mom not just to be held.

Nursing for infants needs to be on demand. A few people can put an infant on a schedule and still establish their milk production, but most would end up having to supplement because their milk supply did not keep up with demand. When an infant or child needs to nurse more, (and is actually eating and not just using mom as a pacifier), it is because you are not making enough milk. More frequent nursing is the way the infant is helping you to make more milk. I was one who did not make enough milk unless I would let my baby nurse and then completely express anything left. It took me a good 8 weeks before my milk was completely established to my child’s needs. (The first one I had to supplement and never caught up. Many issues involved.)

Because nursing on demand is best, co-sleeping usually works best too. You can just nurse in bed and sleep. This does have it’s downfall. You can expect the child to be in your bed for at least 3 years. My youngest is 3 1/2 years old. We did have a toddler bed for him in our room, but he never slept well in it. When we bought a real mattress, nice like ours, to put in the room with his brother, he now sleeps better. But he still does not sleep through the night all by himself. He comes into our room. At this point, with school still in session (and brother needs sleep for school), we have not tried to change this habit since it could take several weeks of crying, so at this point, we go back to his bed and get in bed with him. But it is a nice comfy mattress!

We have gone through similar situations with our other children and know that it won’t last forever. We also tried the crying out with our oldest. We found it hideous and were not able to keep it up. We needed a new mattress about the time I got pregnant with the third (15, 12 and 3) and we just went ahead and bought a king size mattress since we knew where the child would end up. We did not even try to do the cry it out with the third. It is just not what we care to do. Occasionally, we think it would have been nice if we could have done the cry it out method. But it just was not our parenting style.

We always carried our little guys around. Today, I think there are so many different things that discourage actually just holding your child. Car seats that snap out and you can carry a sleeping child in so they never wake, swings, jumpers, the list is endless. Some of them are good in small doses, but just holding my children has always worked best.

There certainly were times, especially with our first, that just holding did not help, at least until we figured out that he needed pressure on his stomach much of the time. He had an immature scphincter in the esophogus. Constant heartburn really. Just strapped to our body did not work. We had to hold him facing forward hanging over our arm with pressure on the stomach. I got real good at doing things one handed.

Mostly holding works if you are calm, the child will calm down. Slow down your breathing and relax, which is sometimes difficult when your child is crying and you can’t figure out why. It does not work if you are frantic worrying over “why is he still crying!!!”

Just a note, I never heard of Attatchment Parenting until a couple of years ago. It was not a word that was used. We did have much advice about crying it out, and such. Even telling us how much danger we were placing our kids in by co-sleeping. But we just did what worked for us, and by today’s words, it turned out to be attatchment parenting.

And an FYI, unless one or both of the parents use alcohol or drugs, illegal or prescription, there is less incidence of sudden infant death for co-sleepers. The current theory is that infants sometimes forget to breath. By sleeping next to a parent, feeling and hearing them breath, helps them remember to breath also.

This of course is dependent on not rolling over and smothering your child due to just heavy sleeping or sedation from anything.

Also an FYI. Before children, I used to sleep through alarms. I frequently would not hear things, because I was such a heavy sleeper. Ever since my first, I hear a pin drop. Before kids, I would have worried about rolling over on my child, so heavy did I sleep. Not anymore. I slept with all three in my bed my arm up around the head and cuddled close. We will do it again the same way, if God blesses us with another.

God Bless,
Maria

 

[FyodorFan]

Well, I’m not sure that I’m an expert (I have one, 11 months old), but my husband and I do AP and we love it! I tend to be a “researcher” and ended up “researching” my way into extreme confusion just before my son was born. In the end, my husband and I decided not to worry about the experts too much (like the other posters said). We decided to just try to love our son the best we could. For us that meant attachment parenting (but it may not for every family).

Our son nurses on demmand and started solids when he starting grabbing for them. (Side note: ecological breastfeeding–without pacifiers, schedules, supplements, bottles–does have a child spacing effect. If you haven’t already read/heard about that, you can learn more about if from the Couple to Couple League.) We do the family bed (my husband, suprisingly enough, loves the family bed–mostly because our son sleeps like a log when we are all cuddled together). I could never really figure out the slings, but I do use a podaegi (Korean style back carrier) sometimes–my son loves getting rides in it and it keeps him out of trouble when I’m doing housework.

Our son is happy, healthy, adventurous, sociable, and a joy to be around. (But I may be slightly biased .) And my husband is happy, too. And so am I. So, I can’t make an infallible statement about how AP would work in your situation, but it certainly works for us. I think if you make loving your child and spouse you’re goal, you can’t go wrong.

 

[AmberDale]

Have you read ‘Parenting with Grace’ by Greg and Lisa Popcak? It’s a good book. It explains Attachment Parenting.
I don’t necessarily use all of it. But I do what works for us.
When you have you’re own kids it’s different. It all depends on what works for both parents.
Like Co-sleeping. We don’t have a ‘family bed’ because it makes my husband uncomfortable. And I’m on a new round of medication so I sleep very soundly. So my daughter sleeps in a bassinet no even an inch away.
I can’t breastfeed due to my meds.
So I hold her as much as humanly possible. I also have a 2 year old so I can’t leave him out. The sling has never worked for me, and the back carriers hurt my back. So I just use the two arms God gave me. I’m also good at doing things one handed.
I personally hate the crying it out thing. Especially when they are under 1. If they are crying they need something. And sometimes what they need is just you. They get lonely. My 2 year old has tantrums, so I have to let him cry. But my 5 month old does NOT just cry it out. Crying it out makes them quiet yes, but it also makes them feel neglected.
I cuddle with my 2 year old a lot. I also plan on homeschooling.

My advice it do what’s best for you family. And what works for one kid may not work for the other. They say kids don’t come with manuals, but I think God has built the manual in our hearts.

 

[mass4life]

They say kids don’t come with manuals, but I think God has built the manual in our hearts.

Let us remove ourselves from our present situations, and look at mothering throughout the course of history. How might Mary the Mother of Jesus have mothered her child?

Mothers have mothered their children for thousands and millions of years in all types of circumstances. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would have sounded to mothers 1,000 years ago, scheduling breastfeedings by a clock (which they didn’t have) or sanctioning a baby off into a different room (which most didn’t have) and letting him cry himself to sleep??? Cribs, bottles, clocks, etc. are all very modern inventions in the course of history. Babies are not. A baby knows when he’s hungry, he will tell Mother when he’s hungry! Feed on demand!

I imagine Mary was a very responsive mother, holding Jesus a lot (perhaps in a sling), sleeping together in the same room, and since diapers are a modern invention, she probably used Infant Potty Training like most of the world does today. (Read the book Infant Potty Training by Laurie Boucke.) Can you imagine Mary leaving Jesus to cry it out inside their little hut while she tended the fire? Can you imagine our infant Lord crying out in hunger and Mary saying, “No, darling, not until the noon shadow disappears under my feet and your father comes home for lunch!” Mary is our perfect model, and if you pray to her for guidance, she will lead you to what is written in your heart, to be responsive to your child. Attachment parenting is simply being responsive to your child at all times.

As your child grows older, the crying changes a little, and a judicious mother can decide what crying needs to be tended to, and what crying will go away if ignored for a minute (for instance, frustration from a toddler not being able to complete a task or being told no.)

You know what resonates within your heart as a mother. Don’t ignore your child. Be close to Mother Mary as she was close to Jesus.