Attachment Parents: How do you feel about separation anxiety?

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My son, 3, and daughter 16 months, are expecting a baby sibling in the next couple weeks! I live far from family and take them to a sitter once a week for a couple hours while I go to my prenatal appts. (It’s physically difficult to handle them now by myself.)

When I take them to the sitter, my son loves it, but my daughter simply breaks down crying like her heart is broken. I know she is still a baby, and doesn’t quite understand “Mama will be back soon.”

Some family are telling me just leave her anyway and she’ll learn to trust the sitter and that you will come back. My inclination is just to hold her and comfort her, and last time I just took her with me to the dr. anyway after she broke down.

I feel God gave my babies to ME, not to a sitter, and if they can’t handle a sitter then don’t leave them. However I understand sometimes a sitter is NECESSARY, (like during this upcoming birth), and I want her to be comfortable accepting care from someone else.

Has anyone else dealt with this problem?
 
I am not quite in the same situation, but strongly believe in AP, however I work fulltime and we went through many periods of separation anxiety from the time ds was 7months till he was 3.5 dropping him off at daycare, he then outgrew it.

I would say do what you think is best, if it ok to take her to your apptmts then take her. However if she needs to get used to the sitter for when you are having the baby, then maybe you need to let her get used to the sitter. She will be upset and it will make you sad. Before I returned to work I had ds try the day care out for a couple of hours a day for a week to get used to the caregivers. The first day I dropped him I went to the car and cried because it was the 1st time I was separated from him since birth.

Well everything will work out for you. God Bless.
 
If you don’t get her used to staying with a trusted sitter now, what will you do when the baby comes and you can’t be with her 24/7? How do you expect her to learn to trust other adults when you can’t let go of her long enough to experience the fundamental truth that Mommy Always Comes Back. Are you projecting your needs onto your child?
 
Mass4life~

There never seems to be one pat answer to any parenting dilemma–each child is unique, each parent unique, each parent-child relationship unique & responsive to changing situations.

My first baby is due right about the same time as your third is. I might not have the hands-on experience as a mother to share with you, but if I think back to what my own mother would have done with my siblings, I think it all comes down to trusting your own instinct. It seems to me that responding to your daughter’s cries does not necessarily equal giving in, or somehow failing. You’re simply…responding to your daughter!

I honestly don’t know if I really “get” attachment parenting; I’ve read up on it some, and really like Dr. Sears’ website. Here are some AP topics from his index:

askdrsears.com/html/10/T130100.asp

God bless you and your growing family! May Our Lady guide you through a safe delivery.

P.S: (And, from all of my friends with large families: they tell me that the transition from 2 children to 3 is so much easier than the transition from 1 to 2!)
 
I know that you will get all kinds of advice and mine is to assure you that whatever you decide, your little one will survive, and with your maternal love, any bruises to her little psyche will heal as fast as the bruises on her knees.

In the long run, this is a minor issue.You need to be the Momma who knows what’s best. You decide and then go with it.

When my daughter was little and I had to leave her, she cried until she took her nap. The babysitter started giving her a nap at 7:30 in the morning. When she woke up (still at the sitters house) she was cheerful and happy. Kids are funny. We will never understand them. We just have to love them, do what we think is right, and pray.

Enjoy your babies, they grow up really fast.
 
I don’t know if I qualify as an attachment parent or not, but my son is very clingy to me, and I am inclined to not push him too much to “detach” in this way. If he were consistently miserable in such a situation, and all other things were equal, I’d probably not leave him with the sitter - or try to gradually get him used to the sitter before leaving him with her/him for very long. But right now gradual is not an option, and right not for you, all things are NOT equal. I’m a firm believer in recongnizing what your own needs are. It may not be the 100% perfect situation for your daughter. But it may be what you need right now. I think it is ok to put your needs ahead of your babies needs at certain times, when you know you’re not causing terrible damage (and you wont). After all, it’s not like you’re going to be pregnant forever - this is a time-limited thing. Once your physical needs are less strong, you can see how she’s doing with the sitter and go back to whatever method makes you most comfortable. God Bless.

TKC
 
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StephanieC:
Mass4life~

There never seems to be one pat answer to any parenting dilemma–each child is unique, each parent unique, each parent-child relationship unique & responsive to changing situations.
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Very wise words! You didn’t say if she cries all the time, or stops shortly after you leave. I have four and some would literally cry until I walked around the corner, wipe off their tears and run to play, while others took longer to settle down.

If it was me, I would really want to get her used to the sitter for emergencies and perhaps a short break every now and then, so unless she was inconsolable the entire time, I’d keep trying and assume she would grow more comfortable as time went on.

Good luck and God Bless,
Nicole

PS: It was true for me too, going from 2 to 3 was a breeze compared to going from 1 to 2.
 
While seperation anxiety is normal, I don’t understand the need to make a child miserable for the sake of making them INDEPENDENT. Give me a break! A 16 month old, while technically called a toddler, is still a baby.

If you can handle her at the dr, then take her. Can you have a babysitter come along with you to the Dr to take care of the children while you are busy with the appointment?

What about during labor and delivery, can someone be with the children at the hospital so that they are near you? Then Dad can take care of them at home while you are at the hospital.

I’m not a strict attatchment parent, I take what works for our family, but I do think that until the child can comfortably separate, that I try to make sure I’m available. My 20 month old is just NOW starting to separate easily and not be scared of strangers. Each child is different. As other’s have said, listen to your mommy instinct! 🙂

Jennifer: proud mom of 4 with one on the way!!!
 
Thank you everyone, so far, for your advice. A little more background.

We have another sitter arranged for when the baby comes. My daughter has occasionally stayed there and played there fine for brief periods. There are no other children there except my son.

The crying happens only during my appt times when her and my son go to an actual “day care” for 1 1/2 or 2 hrs. There are other children there, sometimes as many as 4 other little ones ages 3 and under. (How does this woman survive?) The sitter told me that a couple times she only cried a little until I was out of sight, but another time she cried off and on the whole time, and when she would see her little diaper bag or coat, she would break down crying. My son told me another little girl at the daycare, age 2, pushed my daughter. Could this be the reason? Who knows? Perhaps my daughter just needs more attention than the sitter can give with that many other little ones around. She’s quite shy around a crowd. Whatever the reason, she went from being happy to play there, to crying as we approached the driveway. (I totally trust the sitter, I am sure nothing terrible happened to my daughter perhaps outside the pushing incident.)

She however loves her daddy and happily stays with him. He’ll be taking care of the children when I am in the hospital.

Just needed to hear some encouragement that I’m simply “responding to my daughter”, as one poster put it. Some claim I am spoiling her. Nonsense. I’ve been with her since birth and I know her. However I think it’s also true that the little bruises on her psyche will heal like those on her knees, as another poster put it.
 
Ah, how these golden moments will be remembered when she turns 13 and needs to throw them up in your face. Seriously mom, it is a developmental phase, there are times they are clingy and times they are so independent it breaks your heart. bonding with daddy is a great thing too, and I have to put in a plug for the grandparents. She is fine, you are fine, dad is fine, you are all learning together.
 
I have six and they all had trouble at 16 months being left with a sitter, some worse than others. It’s normal if they aren’t used to it. They grow out of it. Your baby just loves you and doesn’t understand the concept of time. She wants to be with you because she has an excellent bond and feels so good in your presence.

So don’t worry. Also, if she does cry it won’t kill her. Children are resilient. They even survive more tragic things than you being gone for an hour or two. She’ll be okay. But, if you can manage it, maybe you can take her along. That’s what I used to do.
 
I would agree with the idea of trusting your instincts. Since you do practice attachment parenting, you are probably pretty tuned into them. My question is, is your 16 month old a high-needs child in general? Sometimes, these kinds of kids (like my little one!) just need extra care! I think God gives difficulty babies to those who have the loving patience to handle them!!
But I also recommend doing what you have to do to keep your sanity. 😉 If you need to not have the hassle at the appointment . . .well take care of yourself too!

I LOVE DR. SEARS!!! 😃
 
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