Attempt to save marriage to NPD spouse

[Sufferer]

Thank you for your prayers, I have witnessed God’s hand in the proceedings these past few days. We left the apartment with all that we needed and moved to a safe place. I was able to get support from places and persons who reached out selflessly through critical days. I cannot see how I would have done it without God’s power and help with so many little arrangements and coordination on the day itself.

My current focus is my children who have had volatile emotions of feeling sad, fear, insecurity, hope and even anger against me for having taken them away. They are older and intuitive. We have managed to have a few deeper heart-to-heart chats, where they understand now to some extent that this cannot go on endlessly, bullying should not be tolerated and assistance should be sought to get help.

I even thank God he did not secure a job offer I was working on earlier, leading me to be fully available for a retreat prior to the move, the move itself, and my childrens needs through this time. I can play around, laugh, talk, chat with them and it feels amazingly free.

My husband meanwhile is coming to terms with these changes and I hope for his own sake he starts to address his issues though this time apart. I think he is also surprised with the strength I have had over these past days and support from authorites, he does not see me as alone and vulnerable anymore.

Thanks for your prayers again… love

 

[horselvr]

This is a great update. So very relieved for you and the kids.

Please remember though that those with NPD do not like being exposed and humiliated and ultimately seek revenge in different ways but always with intensity.

So, while you are enjoying this new life with peace please remember to stay on your toes too. Just don’t let your guard down in trusting he is turning his life around or regretting anything. NPD’s seldom turn anything around and it is and will always be your fault.

Take care and God Bless.

 

[Sufferer]

We’re doing ok and now tenanted our own apartment in a friendly community, the last 2 weeks were the busiest I have ever experienced in my life, enough to make me drop 6 kilos.

The day we left, my husband was busy planning my 40th birthday, something he has never done for me or the children for all the years we have been together. Since he sent out text invites to my close friends as well, he had to call them back and cancel a day later. This brought our situation into the open with friends and he had no choice but to tell them we had left. This also helped control his actions, rage, as our friends knew. He’s called to threaten to kill himself, snatch the children and take this up legally (I assume he means custody) . I requested the agency supporting me on the day we left to call and talk tpo him, explain we had left, we were safe and what the proceedings were. They repeatedly called him, answered all his questions. This locked him down in a sense, to doing anything crazy. Despite his threats, I went with my gut and simply said - he can do as he pleases and that we have left and not coming back.

A couple of days ago, he started communicating again, saying he’s been enlightened to all his mistakes of the past and is truely very sorry, offered me his bank card, his car and help I needed. I did feel sorry for him too. Though when I looked through my old journals as part of the protection order filing, I was harshly reminded of the exact same situation I have been in multiple times, with a very similar gushing apology from him that melted me finally, before things revert back in a couple of months. I told him, we’ve left and that he should come to terms with it, also that he should accept the protection order as even if we get back together, I still need it for myself and he needs it as a deterrant for his rage.

I still fell very wary about him changing, though friends tell me I should forgive him. Nobody really understands his true character as his violent bouts are carefully hidden from everyone, he comes across as an exemplary individual.

I have experienced tremendous happiness these past few weeks despite the many obstacles, with an energy I never knew existed in me. My son who he has hit violently with a leather slipper on his face is more or less ok with the changes and fallen back into his daily routine, but misses the gadgets his father would randomly lavish on him. My daughter is still hurt, torn between being good to both of us and misses her dad. My next priority is weekly counselling for the kids and me, so we can start to live on new terms.

I took the children to our parish priest and we talked, his assurance gave the children a lot of peace and acceptance.

I dont know how I feel about having him back again, I just know now that time will heal us, provide both of us answers and that things cannot go back to where they were.

Thank you for your prayers…

 

[Bill_7154]

I left my wife about 11 months ago for about a month. She started acting very crazy and refused help. She has always been strong willed and had at times threatened to call the cops on me (the implication being she would make up a lie to get me arrested) for things such as me going to a party wearing jeans rather than slacks and then leaving the party after she kept nagging me. She called me and demanded I come back wearing slacks or she would call the cops. She had many people there who could have driven her home so that was not even an issue. This is not an exxageration and I am not leaving out something I did or said, it was not an argument or 2 way fight.

The 3rd time I knew it was coming so called the cops ahead of time to ask for advice. Then sure enough, she comes home, blasts the music, starts yelling and ranting and threatens to ‘call my brother and the police and you will be sorry’. I then speed dialed hte police. They didn’t want to come since she hadn’t done anything phyiscal but I knew the law so kept saying I feared for my safety and wasn’t sure what she would do. Fortunately when they arrived she told the truth and didn’t make up a lie saying i hit her or something.

Prior to me leaving she behaved MUCH wose than this. I came back after a month and we are working to make things better.

One thing someone told me that hit home was: Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, somewhere you can go to get away from the stresses of job, life ,etc. If your home is a toxic enviornment this is one of the worst possible situations to be in.

I would leave and go for drives in the past when she acted up but really had no where to go. So I had to put up with her yelling and screaming or was forced to leave and drive around aimlessly. Sometimes after returnng the same thing would continue. At times I would loose my cool and engage in verbal argument with her, mostly I wouldn’t.

We are now working to both agree that no matter what we are upset about yelling and raising voices is never oK. I wll end participatioin if that happens and we can revisit it when she can talk calm.

I love her and now we have a child but need peace where I live in order to not go crazy.

MY 2 cents.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Have you joined any narcissism survivors/victims groups? There are many online- you need help and support. Most people on here and in real life, have no idea what you are dealing with.

 

[emilybarrassed]

Sufferer, I pray for you and your family. I’m glad things are going as well as can be expected given the situation. My husband and I both believe that he has NPD as well although he is not aggressive. Maybe it’s just narcissistic tendencies…I don’t know. But he fits the bill and according to an online quiz, he is NPD.

Have you joined any narcissism survivors/victims groups? There are many online- you need help and support. Most people on here and in real life, have no idea what you are dealing with.

Can anyone link such a group? I am interested.

 

[Cerne]

Hi,

I commented before I was happy to recieve a response, but the thread was closed, hence the new one…

These were my old posts.
"I am a sufferer as well. Have been with him for 15 years and have been a mental basketcase trying to comprehend why life was never simple, no celebrations, no happiness. I have 2 children, one entering his teenage years and I feel like I can’t hold it together much longer. I love the earlier post about God having his reasons for putting me in this situation. I held it together when close friends advised me to leave, that there was no reprieve for this condition. At times, I can see my husband as a victim, his dad is a narcissist. He still jumps to his father’s tunes, his mum who was a gentle soul was worked to the bone, she finally succumbed to cancer. What was so sad is she never told a soul about her condition although she probably knew she was quite unwell, until it was discovered very late.
Now I realize that I am probably doing more damage to my kids by staying as they are constantly in the line of fire (very subtely), given love, withdrawing it, rejection, then a cycle of love again.
I am financially stable (god’s immense blessings) and have stayed only because I want my family back, intact. It’s tough, everyday is… "

“At times I feel I’m the one who’s messed up and to an extent I may be, as I fear abandonment for reasons I should’nt. I guess the NPD has incapcitated, conditioned me over the years. I fear for my children growing up in a society where it is tougher on them being without one parent.
I have been a senior professional in my field for years, yet he was able to break me down to a point where I quit my job and felt utterly useless for the first time in my life for months together. All through that period he maintained his silent treatment which was hard to function and give freely to my children as I should have or would normally.
The question for me now is should I leave, or should I stay. I guess my Catholic upbringing and personal faith in the Lord leads me to believe He has a purpose and I should carry on and find workarounds to deal with him. Also with the children it won’t be easy and I can imagine a long drawn out battle with him as he will not leave without a fight.
After being married for 15 years and never seen him go to church with me or the kids other than seldom occasions, he has started to read verses from the Bible! He is Catholic too, but has never truely shown any reverance for God in the past.
Am at wits end with this decision… looking for a sign…”

I have since spoken to my parish priest, whom I have known for 4 years and trust his wisdom. His advise was that the church underdstands and accepts there are caustic and malignant marriages and that once I understand my rights, my decision will be easier and clearer. He has put me on to a Catholic legal group. I have also opened up fully to my family who have been tremendously supportive. I’ve also understood, that my insecurities and fears of abandonment have allowed me to stay. My dad was a volatile man and I never really felt secure in my relationship with him

I hope I can be strong through this process of change, I feel broken and afraid.

Here is the address of an amazing website which will be of great help to you in dealing with an NPD-

www.bullyonline.org

The main focus of the site is on the kind of abuse you describe above happening in a workplace setting but it is applicable to any situation, family, workplace or whatever.

There is a lot of information on the site but read as much of it as possible as it will give validation to everything you have gone through and you will undoubtedly recognise many of the characteristics listed on the site in your husband.

The site was put together by a guy called Tim Field who suffered what you are suffering from a manager at his workplace to the extent that he became a blubbering nervous wreck on the verge of suicide. This is what NPDs (and indeed BPDs, borderline personality disorder) can do to people. In fact the site is littered with stories just like yours from people who have either worked with or live with an NPD. Many of these people have had nervous breakdowns and many people end up committing suicide.

I know exactly where you are coming from as my mother has all the symptoms of an NPD. She has caused nothing but absolute chaos and heartache in my family. I have not had anything to do with her for 18 years and nor will I ever. Additionally I found myself working with an NPD so I have a lot of experience in dealing with these people.

Also just so you know, personality disorders are remarkably common. A 2005 study showed that 2.2% of the population have NPD and 3.9% have BPD. Thats 6.1% in total or 1 in every 16 people. It also found that 9.1% (1 in 11 people) of the US population have a personality disorder of whatever type (ie, paranoid, antisocial, etc). A worrying statistic as it means you are going to run into these people a lot. You can find that survey here-

outofthefog.net/Statistics.html

The majority of people with personality disorders will remain undiagnosed by the medical profession and they generaly lead everyday lives with jobs and familys (except for the ongoing abuse, controlling behaviour, jealousy, etc, etc). As of 2012 there is no cure so and counselling etc will NOT work.

 

[Sufferer]

Its been over a year since me and the children left our apartment and started life on our own. It took me 6 months to somewhat build back my self esteem and a semblance of stability for the children. A small set of close girlfriends were a big help in times of desperation when I felt I was going nowhere. I started work a few months ago and feel much better about myself and the children. After I got a police protection order on my husband, he has tamed down quite a bit and acclimatized to the new life. We meet on and off and he meets the children every weekend or other.

I spent the year soul searching though daily ups and downs and troubled times and I think matured in many ways, I am still on a journey of self discovery. I learnt I am co-dependant and came to rely heavily over the years on my husband’s views on most things, I neglected my own self, my needs and my feelings and traded them too easily for others. Through therapy, I acknowledged my dad’s alcoholism growing up and the deep seated insecurity it caused in me. I also came to realize how I was making co-dependants out of my children and make efforts to do things differently. The learning came through suffering, anguish and very, very hard times, until I was forced to grow up, realise my capabilities and caring for my inner child. I rested in my faith in God a lot and took a day at a time.

The children are also in therapy, our home is filled with an easy going balance we never had before. I do loose it sometimes when things become overwhelming, but am able to find balance faster than before. Definitely doing better.

My husband has paid up all his dues and came around to financially sharing support for the kids and we have now started couple counselling. Its been 3 months of this. I am aware he will not be able to perhaps change many things about him. I can manage myself better, know my worth as a human being and be assertive about my needs much better. This is a new path which will either bring closure to us both or help us retune to each other. I cannot say as yet that I am confident we will get back to living together, but we are attempting to communicate better via the sessions…