Attracted to a Deacon

[AlsoUnderFire]

I’ve turned a lot to the sacraments in my situation. A lot, a lot. I don’t think I’ve been to adoration so much in one week. :heaven:

What I’ve come up with? A lot of journaling to God. As well as the same as someone said, to put the friendship in God’s hands to form it as he wills. He gave us this chance for introduction. And I’m that much better off with a man of God in my life even if at this meeting it can’t be more than friends with his vocation. To be thankful for beautiful moments God reveals to me. Maybe I had a small slice of astounding wonder in a moment, in several few moments seeing him actually, but according to the other day’s mass I need to let God know I’m ready for the abundance He wants for me in His own time. Whatever that abundance may be.

The deacon may never know how much I think of him. Or how it’s not just one thing that strikes me about him. It’s a lot… It’s all of it. :bighanky: That I’d like to truly know him better of course too just as a real person, not this fleeting light that appeared one day, this beautiful person… But as the real person that he is with many important purposes. I have had a couple of different dates with single Catholic men in the last four weeks since I first had a realization about this man, but they are more like friends or the date just becomes like a friends thing. And I go to karaoke with another guy this evening. He’s too young for me. Still, I can’t shake the ordained man. I am constantly surrounded by single, Catholic men, many I’ve known a few years or more, and not with one of them does there appear this same spark or chemistry that there seems to be between this person and I. And no, it’s not a “he’s forbidden” thing. I know it isn’t that. I have a meeting with a spiritual director tomorrow and of course I won’t say to him who this deacon is or give any indication where he’s from. I may seek some advice on it. I just need someone to talk to about it. I have 2 devout friends who know but do not have any idea who it is, one who makes me feel hopeless about it (which really at this moment it seems that way) and the other who is open to the possibility I don’t know all my research yet and the spiritual director may be able to guide me on that.

I am working on being content God’s here. Light is here between us. Not darkness. A little bit of fear? Yes, fear the moment’s gone. Fear he forgot it. And the sadness knowing he can’t acknowledge it in the place he’s at. But I’m working on trusting God that he brought this great man of God into my life, even if it be for his mentorship as a speaker or leader, for a better community within where we are, and/or hopefully as an eventual friend. :hug3: I am working on trusting God that much more. A confessor told me eventually maybe the deacon and I will be friends. I do look forward to that.

 

[AlsoUnderFire]

It’s nothing short of miserable to see him. Because I want to go up and say hi and chitchat like everyone else after mass. But I’m just in pain. I was so bold before to introduce myself after I’d seen him searching me out with his eyes both at mass and another event, and before I knew all the implications of his deaconate. Now I think overthinking it makes me fearful and unable to go up to him. This is the second Sunday in a row I am now kicking myself for not breaking past what I perceived before to reach out and befriend him in a community way. And he means a lot to me, and his friendship should mean a lot to me if I can just stop feeling like I can’t breathe around him or that I am going to throw up from nervousness. I must go through yet another week before I can finally try again. Another six to seven days before getting a chance to do a “do over” and be friendly. And that’s that. I have social plans almost every night but one before then. And yet, he is the only person I want to see, truly want to see, in about the 200 people I will run into this week. I was talking to a guy after mass today and yet there’s no man I want to say hello to more on the face of the earth right now. This is, as I said before, its own kind of torture. What did I do so bad to be in this situation. What on earth penance have I still left that I can be in this lonely of a situation? Can someone out there pray for me? Can someone help pull me out of this with prayer? Thanks.

 

[odile53]

Neither of you have actually done anything wrong; both of you have an inordinate attraction to men who have already committed themselves to a vocation–the priesthood. I heard a vocation director actually state that the type of man who should enter the priesthood would also be the type of man who would make a good husband–interested in others and willing to sacrifice his own needs for those of his spouse (which in the case of a priest is the Church, obviously,) hardworking, intelligent, perceptive, etc.

Goodness, I HOPE my parish priest and deacon know who I am, as well as every other person in our parish! Actually, I know they do: I’ve worked on a few ministry projects, and am still housebound following spine surgery a month ago. They’ve both made pastoral visits and brought communion to me (yes, my husband was home at those times.)

Unless someone is sitting there at Mass and trying to get the attention of the celebrant and acting in otherwise inappropriate ways, you are doing nothing wrong. You are, however, allowing the enemy (the world, the flesh, and the devil) to torture you far more than the enemy should be able to. If you think of the emotional turmoil you’ve been in over these men, I’m sure you’d agree with me that lust is one of the most miserable of the seven deadly sins (I think envy is the other one that produces a lot of self-imposed misery.) You need to let go of these attractions, breathe, and stop thinking so dreadfully about yourselves. Men and women are attracted to each other–that’s a gift of God to ensure the continuation of the human race. Just look at this as a bit of a lesson. There are available men who would make good husbands and have a vocation to the state of marriage, and there are plenty of them, contrary to popular opinion. And definitely, if you’re under spiritual direction, discuss it with your SD: Working through inordinate attachments and learning holier and healthier things to do is a big part of the purpose, and the SD is not a mind reader: He or she cannot help you if you keep it to yourself!

Do you think that maybe God is just holding up an example of the type of personality that you should be looking for in an unattached man who is called to marriage? A lot of women seem to be pretty confused as to what they should be looking for in a husband, and end up with some pretty ratty characters. Maybe God just wants to show you an example of what kind of guy you should be looking for. Think of their good traits, and then go out and find someone similar who is marriage-minded.

BTW–I did not meet my husband until I was forty. So much for the theory that after a certain age good men don’t exist. And by the way–we were students at Fordham at the time, and were introduced to each other by-----a priest who was a mutual friend!

 

[AlsoUnderFire]

Odile53,

Thank you for this reply. I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs including, thinking maybe God is using this really hard situation to tell me that this whole meeting someone truly good thing is not going to happen for me. I am glad you mentioned your age. I’m in the upper 30s and nearly giving up. Though I do have one friend who says about her husband that if she knew he would be someone she would eventually meet, she’d even wait another 38 years he was that worth it. Unfortunately I feel that way about this man but of course, can’t.

I was excited that this man obviously thought me beautiful enough to gaze very intensely at me many times for many more beats longer than any typical glance or look. I know even deacons are human and they can notice beautiful women. I don’t try to get his attention. On the contrary, I attempt to instead close my eyes and pray. Or pray a Hail Mary every single time I look at him, but I have noticed less attention from his direction in that way which is fine. He obviously got himself through it, went through a brief miserable stage over it which I think I saw over Christmas and decided it best not to look at me much anymore to give me false hopes which completely makes sense. We all know there are evil women out there who see this from men who have paid attention to them and have their egos and unfairly complain about these men to others once they are not getting the attention which is totally unfair. But I am experiencing that real and true love for someone is respecting their vocation and letting them live it out and not getting them into any trouble over it. Recognizing they are human and putting my own ego aside is my own display of my affection and wish to know him better that runs deep for him. Putting all that aside is love for another person. I think that yesterday in trying not to think about it, I did think about it and had a little pity party that those long and gazing moments we shared were being forgotten by him which brought a few tears. But that is my own nonhumility, my own selfish wish for attention from him. True love for him is knowing in his vocation ours is a friendship, or at least a knowing each other and nothing more. And yeah, it’s lonelier than ever however I look at it. But it doesn’t have to be. Knowing him eventually can enrich my life anyway in pure friendship.

I just seek the courage to look beyond all this and be able to strike up the type of friendship we should have which at the basis is a mutual respect without being clouded by this stuff.

Passions are strange. I was telling a friend the other day how it is strange that we, even knowing that the best relationships progress with friendship (well not this one since of course someone in an unavailable situation can’t), how sometimes wanting someone to kiss you can be so strong it takes you past your wits. My friend mentioned to me I need to read JPII’s Love & Responsibility, which I think I have in my collection and have not actually read. He too mentioned that book states how these desires are God given but need to be directed in a good way (well in my situation they seem to just have to go away), but in any case it’s good to look more at this and see how I can do things better and perhaps like you said seek the same qualities he has in someone else. I don’t know yet how to do that since three years ago when I did first hear him speak I felt an instant connection, like here was someone who spoke to me in a way that no one has even in the church I’ve known all my life. Knowing his vocation even then and thinking him attractive, I still never put myself in a situation to meet him or to get in front of him simply because of his situation and because I thought he had to be already married! Maybe I need to meditate more on what it was that caught my attention about him as long as three years ago, and what does now to be able to analyze other men. It is hard to have to let that go, but maybe that is the lesson. I also naturally thought he was married all the way up until the last month or two! I can’t believe he’s not married. Of all the men in the deaconate to be married this one seems the one who most should be…This face to face stuff just happened this past couple of months completely accidentally. In fact, the way that he looked at me I thought to myself there has to be a way for him to be able to get married or he would not do that. I think my first reaction was shock and then came nervousness. I haven’t had someone’s long look stop me from breathing ever. Imagine my surprise, and quick plunge into misery, to later find out that once ordained they can’t get married even while other deacons can enter as married men. Maybe he realized I was interested or would be if he were available and reacted to that, but of course he didn’t act on it. But that can’t be right because even weeks prior to that, I noticed very much that his eyes did seem to seek me out plenty. I’ll stop trying to decipher it. The result seems the same. The attention first came from him but I can’t get hung up on it because like you said it’s such a trap of the world.

Please pray for me because I am tempted to think it took this long to feel this way about someone that I may not feel this way about anyone else again.

I did talk with my spiritual director about it last weekend, who is from a different parish in a different area of the state, and of course not leading on where this person is or who or even that I know he’s a permanent deacon. It did help to have someone to talk to within the church about it.

I’ll probably cling to readings in a book I have, also that I’ve never read. One that someone else I know when she was pretty heart struck helped her through: “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence.” She meditated a lot on that book and that title is what she kept saying… I think it will also be my new consistent saying to myself.

 

[AlsoUnderFire]

I guess it probably appears I’m avoiding him, but that’s not what I’m trying to do. Everyone knows me as someone who can to talk to anyone about anything. But to like someone so much I can’t choke out two words since meeting him especially at his place in life is the loneliest feeling. Right now, I find myself at the beginning of despair, I’m sure with people only praying for me to get over it even though I ask them to pray for God’s will and that we have a healthy friendship only but no one will do that. I find myself sinking, at the start of depression. Everything I do or can do is wrong. Zero communication from him and I guess that’s all he can really do. A few people accusing me of just being desperate. Nope. Nope. I didn’t care so much as when these moments happened that I was single. Not til my eyes met his. I’m just sinking and not sure where to go. Tried all routes, confession, spiritual direction, a Catholic friend out of state, talking to a few Catholic friends here, tried dating people, tried lots of sacraments, lots of daily mass… lots of journaling. I’m starting to have a hard time praying for myself. Just feel kind of like I’m sinking… sinking… then when people see this they’ll probably just delight in calling me already depressed. Gotta love that.
Either it’s me starting to get over it or just me sinking… sinking…