Avoid mentioning my late aunt now that uncle remarried?

[skigirl1689]

My aunt died from cancer in her early 50s less than 2 and a half years ago. My uncle remarried last week and I am truly happy for him and his new wife, who knew my aunt before her passing.

I just feel really torn about bringing up my aunt now that my uncle is remarried. Obviously I am not going to intentionally talk about my aunt around them, but she was my cousins’ mom, my aunt, my godmother, and also my mom’s cousin (yes, my mom’s cousin married my dad’s brother) and I am bound to talk about her sometimes. It almost seems like my grief about her death should be ended now that my uncle is remarried, but perhaps I am just overthinking this whole issue too much.

I feel bad wishing my aunt was still alive because if she were, my uncle and his new wife wouldn’t be together, and I am happy they are, but yet I still wish my aunt hadn’t died. It just seems like I’ll never reconcile these feelings. I also don’t know if it’s wrong that I can’t bring myself to refer to the new wife as my aunt, even though we do get along really well.

Any advice?

 

[pianistclare]

Don’t mention it.
You don’t have to call her “aunt”…she has a name.
Keep your fond memories to yourself and pray for the repose of your aunt’s soul.

If you love your uncle, just be happy for him.
If THEY talk about her at some point, it’s ok to mention how dear she was to you.
But it’s not your place to bring up painful subjects.

 

[skigirl1689]

I am unsure you read my post, I did say I am very happy for them and that I was not going to purposely talk about my aunt around them…Obviously, I know it’s sensitive and don’t want to hurt anyone.

That’s the thing, am I just supposed to pretend she wasn’t a part of memories when they are mentioned by others? My uncle make did a mention the reception was catered by the same caterer who did my aunt’s funeral, which shocked me. I just don’t know where the boundary is. I try to take cues from my uncle and cousins but it’s difficult. I am so worried about slipping up somehow and saying the “wrong” thing.

 

[pianistclare]

I read your post. Control yourself. You have to make a conscious effort to avoid upsetting people with reminiscences. Sounds like they’re not upset though.
Once you discern whether or not it’s a sensitive subject., a passing remark is not bad. Dealing with your grief is a different thing from talking about a deceased family member with other family members. If they are speaking about her then you can too. You don’t need to walk on eggshells. Unless you think you might burst into tears. That wouldn’t be great.
Talk to someone about your grief and stop fretting.

 

[skigirl1689]

Forgive me, but this is my first time dealing with such a situation and I am not as experienced with death and remarriage as an older person would be. In your first post you did tell me to be happy for him IF I loved him…but I already had said I was happy for him in my first post. Hence my annoyance with your assumptions.

Maybe losing 4 aunts/uncles in 3.5 years has made me a bit overwhelmed with how to handle all of these new situations, new realities. I feel I am past the grieving, no crying, I just miss her.

Someone else in the family said we shouldn’t talk about her anymore, which struck me as odd as the immediate family does, hence my confusion. Maybe the subject of this topic should have been different. My uncle’s wife lost her first husband to cancer, so I would think she understands.

 

[jrgmercado]

Skigirl,

I’m not sure about your relationship with your uncle and his new wife but talk to them about how you feel. Let them know that you aren’t sure how to act/speak around them about your aunt. Basically just read them post…

 

[Cricket2]

There is no reason not to mention your aunt, either by her name or as aunt “name.” Everyone should be adult enough to realize that she is not forgotten just because she has passed. I think anything else is just phoney.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. It almost seems like my grief about her death should be ended now that my uncle is remarried,

No, no, no, no, no, no no. This aunt was a very special person to you and you will deal with your grief on YOUR schedule. Not your uncles. He can do whatever he wants, you have the right to miss your aunt.

Now, depending on how close you are with your uncle, you could have a private talk with him. Ask him if he knows how his new wife feels about the subject. If he mentioned it was the same caterer, there is the possibility his new wife is OK being the second wife. She might actually be a very loving person who wants to be there for her new niece in her grief.

After all, when a woman marries a widower, she is very well aware of all the family he had with his first wife. She knows what she took on and she could be totally OK with it.

It sounds to me, you must be in your early 20s, so I would advise since you are no longer a kid, call her by her name. I call my uncle M, uncle M and his second is simply V. No using the word aunt to someone who did not become my aunt while I was in my 30s

 

[pianistclare]

Forgive me, but this is my first time dealing with such a situation and I am not as experienced with death and remarriage as an older person would be. In your first post you did tell me to be happy for him IF I loved him…but I already had said I was happy for him in my first post. Hence my annoyance with your assumptions.

Maybe losing 4 aunts/uncles in 3.5 years has made me a bit overwhelmed with how to handle all of these new situations, new realities. I feel I am past the grieving, no crying, I just miss her.

Someone else in the family said we shouldn’t talk about her anymore, which struck me as odd as the immediate family does, hence my confusion. Maybe the subject of this topic should have been different. My uncle’s wife lost her first husband to cancer, so I would think she understands.

If you love him as in “since you love him” not as in “maybe you don’t love him”.
You’re picking apart the post. You’re grieving. Do as people suggest. Just be frank about it.
There’s probably no need to walk on eggshells. From what you say, this is something you are working through. Everyone else seems calm about it.

 

[skigirl1689]

No, no, no, no, no, no no. This aunt was a very special person to you and you will deal with your grief on YOUR schedule. Not your uncles. He can do whatever he wants, you have the right to miss your aunt.

Now, depending on how close you are with your uncle, you could have a private talk with him. Ask him if he knows how his new wife feels about the subject. If he mentioned it was the same caterer, there is the possibility his new wife is OK being the second wife. She might actually be a very loving person who wants to be there for her new niece in her grief.

After all, when a woman marries a widower, she is very well aware of all the family he had with his first wife. She knows what she took on and she could be totally OK with it.

It sounds to me, you must be in your early 20s, so I would advise since you are no longer a kid, call her by her name. I call my uncle M, uncle M and his second is simply V. No using the word aunt to someone who did not become my aunt while I was in my 30s

Thanks for this! I just wonder if grief ever really ends. I have heard you never really get over it, it just changes as time goes on. Like I said, dealing with four losses in 3.5 years (well, 5, as my grandma died during that period too) just seems to have compounded everything for me, especially when the last two deaths were of relatives I was close to, and they passed less than 6 months apart. I just will always miss her and wish she didn’t die from such a painful disease.

Yeah, it’d be weird to call my uncle’s wife my aunt and very confusing as she shares a name with my dad’s sister. I am in my midtwenties so you are correct. I really don’t see her expecting it anyhow. She seems very understanding, the little I know her. We live over 500 miles apart, but our families did spend a little time together over Christmas.

 

[robwar]

My aunt died from cancer in her early 50s less than 2 and a half years ago. My uncle remarried last week and I am truly happy for him and his new wife, who knew my aunt before her passing.

I just feel really torn about bringing up my aunt now that my uncle is remarried. Obviously I am not going to intentionally talk about my aunt around them, but she was my cousins’ mom, my aunt, my godmother, and also my mom’s cousin (yes, my mom’s cousin married my dad’s brother) and I am bound to talk about her sometimes. It almost seems like my grief about her death should be ended now that my uncle is remarried, but perhaps I am just overthinking this whole issue too much.

I feel bad wishing my aunt was still alive because if she were, my uncle and his new wife wouldn’t be together, and I am happy they are, but yet I still wish my aunt hadn’t died. It just seems like I’ll never reconcile these feelings. I also don’t know if it’s wrong that I can’t bring myself to refer to the new wife as my aunt, even though we do get along really well.

Any advice?

Grief doesn’t have to be a lifetime wallowing in the loss. You might benefit of some grief counseling to deal with the two losses. Yes, she was very special and always will be but it seems like you have a problem with your uncle moving on into another marriage and instead of getting all twisted up inside as to “never mentioning” your late aunt or calling the new wife aunt, talk to a grief counselor to help sort these issues out. I think in your head you want to happy for your Uncle but in your heart, you are not.

 

[skigirl1689]

Grief doesn’t have to be a lifetime wallowing in the loss. You might benefit of some grief counseling to deal with the two losses. Yes, she was very special and always will be but it seems like you have a problem with your uncle moving on into another marriage and instead of getting all twisted up inside as to “never mentioning” your late aunt or calling the new wife aunt, talk to a grief counselor to help sort these issues out. I think in your head you want to happy for your Uncle but in your heart, you are not.

Why is everyone saying I am still wallowing and grieving? I do not get your definition of grief. I said I miss her and another relative said we shouldn’t speak of my late aunt as my uncle is now remarried. That is the issue I am having…people saying I shouldn’t talk about her. If that is the definition of moving on, well that sucks and is unnatural. And is it so unrealistic that I am happy for him but still wish my aunt hadn’t died…I am not lying, I am happy he found love, not once, but twice. Some people never are blessed with great spouses or relationships.

I am seriously beginning to think people aren’t understanding my question…which was basically should I quit speaking of my late aunt now that my uncle is remarried? If yes, I feel it is ridiculous for someone to ask me of that as she was part of my life for 22 years.

I should just stop CAF, as I just feel judged and misunderstood and made to feel like I am psychologically unstable as I still miss my aunt and don’t want to feel like I can’t speak of her.

 

[robwar]

Why is everyone saying I am still wallowing and grieving? I do not get your definition of grief. I said I miss her and another relative said we shouldn’t speak of my late aunt as my uncle is now remarried. That is the issue I am having…people saying I shouldn’t talk about her. If that is the definition of moving on, well that sucks and is unnatural. And is it so unrealistic that I am happy for him but still wish my aunt hadn’t died…I am not lying, I am happy he found love, not once, but twice. Some people never are blessed with great spouses or relationships.

I am seriously beginning to think people aren’t understanding my question…which was basically should I quit speaking of my late aunt now that my uncle is remarried? If yes, I feel it is ridiculous for someone to ask me of that as she was part of my life for 22 years.

I should just stop CAF, as I just feel judged and misunderstood and made to feel like I am psychologically unstable as I still miss my aunt and don’t want to feel like I can’t speak of her.

No one is judging you. All we have is what you have posted and sometimes posters don’t realize that more comes out in what is written than what they may realize. What comes out is that you are afraid to discuss your late aunt with your uncle and new wife, you are claiming you are happy for him but what you have written seems to indicate otherwise. Suggesting to get some grief counseling after two years with 2 major losses is meant to help you, it isn’t a judgement on you. Fearing even mentioning her in front of them is unhealthy and unnatural. While you don’t see them regularly due to distance, dwelling on this indicates that there is still grief that is unresolved.

 

[Mummsie]

OP,

Losing so many loved ones in 3.5 years is a lot for anyone to deal with. I am very sorry for your losses. And sharing memories of those loved ones lightens the grief. I agree with a previous poster, speak with your Uncle privately and share your concerns. I’m sure he’ll be able to help with this dilemma.

And as a side note, maybe you could reach out to his new wife to make sure she knows she’s welcome into the family. Build some new memories with her.

God Bless You.

 

[underacloud]

I am seriously beginning to think people aren’t understanding my question…which was basically should I quit speaking of my late aunt now that my uncle is remarried? If yes, I feel it is ridiculous for someone to ask me of that as she was part of my life for 22 years.

Why are you asking a question here when you already find one of the two answers to be “ridiculous”?

Yes, it is ridiculous to be expected never to talk of your aunt again. However, you should be mindful of your company and save such reminiscing for times when your uncle’s new wife is not close by. Perhaps that is all that your other family member meant.

As for not calling her aunt, I’m pretty sure that was already discussed in another thread. You do not have to call her aunt, just use her name. There is nothing strange or discourteous in doing so.

 

[aloe]

I just wonder if grief ever really ends.

I have been grieving for years; someone very important in my life who was gone way too soon. I have lost several people, but 1 in particular wounded my heart forever. I won’t just get over it, the pain hasn’t lessened. In fact, it just seems to get harder each year. I think it depends on the person and your relationship with the person.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I should just stop CAF, as I just feel judged and misunderstood and made to feel like I am psychologically unstable as I still miss my aunt and don’t want to feel like I can’t speak of her.

I can relate. People often make me feel small when I share honestly on this site.

 

[pianistclare]

Two of the manifestations and symptoms of grieving are confused thinking and over-thinking things. No one said you were unstable. Those are your words. I said you shouldn’t bring it up unless your beloved relative is brought up by your uncle himself. Displaying of course, that he is ok with discussing his previous wife, and his new wife is ok with it as well. I went on to say that maybe a frank talk with both of them is in order. Say how you feel. They will surely understand.
See, what happens is, people write a post full of emotion and distress, and people try to help. Often, the OP then assumes they are being attacked, Nothing is further form the truth. People ask questions, people answer, based on Catholic teaching or their own person experience depending on the scenario.
Then people either take said advice to heart, think about it, or discard it completely. Sometimes they come out with MORE details, that were not originally mentioned, which can and often changes the responses, or they just get angry and log off. It happens. Very few times have I seen people attack others, and those few times the person was promptly banned. This is not happening here.

When my husband took his own life, I got grief counseling. It didn’t mean I was a nut-job or unstable. It was a necessary thing to go through and a healthy response to the confusing feelings I was having. I found that mentioning him in conversation with my daughters REALLY upset them. He was abusive, and part of THEIR grieving process was to re-work him into a kindly daddy, rather then the man that threatened to kill us all. So I didn’t mention him for a good while. Now, they view the whole thing a bit more objectively, but they still prefer not to talk about him. It hurts too much. 8 years later, they still are raw.

I’m NOT saying this is your situation. I’m just saying that YES, mentioning a deceased loved one can really upset those left behind, and NO you should not do it unless you are certain that it will not upset your uncle and his new wife. You can find that out by a gentle and frank talk with them.

 

[masondoggy]

I don’t think you should worry about it. If you feel the need to talk about your aunt, do it. You are not being insensitive to your uncle or his wife. Seriously, if they would have an issue with it, THEY are the one with the problem. They can’t expect that just because they got married, that everybody else has to pretend that your aunt never existed in their presence.

I would think if your uncle is a decent person, he would appreciate that people remember his deceased wife and not avoid her memory.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

 

[Aggie414]

I haven’t read all the responses, but here’s my take:

IF I were the woman your uncle had married – especially if I had known your aunt – I would want you talk about her. It would not offend me at all. I would find it very odd if my husband – and his family – just completely ignored the wife he loved that he lost to death. While I wouldn’t want her picture everywhere in my house, I would fully expect to have a few photos of her with all the other family photos. She was a member of the family but is no longer with us.

I think as long as you’re respectful, mentioning your aunt shouldn’t be a problem. Sharing fond memories is a natural thing.