Awkward family problem: engagement of divorcees

[Irishmom2]

I know!

The original poster described a problem that is still very relevant today and worth discussion.

Someone posted this link…still available and quite good.
cuf.org/2004/04/should-i-attend/

I was thinking today about St. John the Baptist. There are many ways to lose a head. It doesn’t necessarily always wind up on a plate. His life and death was a portents for future Christians.

We aren’t supposed to resurrect old threads. Why not start a new thread on this subject of your own?

 

[Beautiful]

I’ve been in this scenario twice.

The first time, it was my dh’s Catholic cousin, and we had already agreed to have our young children in her wedding when we found out that her fiance was divorced with no annulment. She was long distance, so we wrote a letter explaining why we had to pull out of participation in the wedding. We also stated that we loved them and wanted the best for them, and that we respected their right to make their own choices, but that we hoped they would understand our need to be true to our beliefs. We decided not to attend the reception either, because it seemed like we’d be giving our kids a mixed message, because we didn’t think they’d want us at the reception if we didn’t support the wedding, and because we didn’t think it would be easy to avoid voicing support for the wedding while socializing with the rest of the crowd who would likely be speaking a lot about how great the couple is and how great the wedding/marriage would be. Prior to writing this letter, we made the mistake of discussing it with my dh’s mother, who responded as if we had just confessed to being mass murderers. Compliance and support was definitely expected, and for her, it was ugly. Maybe we are just stubborn, but we both felt that while we should have just kept her out of it (after all, it was between us and the bride, not us and her), her ugly reaction didn’t for a second make us question our decision. Instead we felt all the more strongly that it is ridiculous for other people to expect us to respect their decisions, while at the same time not respecting our decisions. In the end, dh’s mother eventually got over it, and once the wedding had ended and she saw that we weren’t going to make a public scene about the situation, it became a non issue.

Then a couple of years later, dh’s divorced Catholic sister got married to a Catholic man on the front lawn of dh’s parent’s house by a justice of the peace. We were given about 4 days notice of this wedding, and this time, instead of writing a letter, we had a conversation in person with the couple, explaining that we wouldn’t attend and why, and that we loved them regardless, but needed to be true to our faith. It was a peaceful conversation and our relationship with the couple never worsened. We never heard a word about it from dh’s mother, and she never appeared to be upset that we didn’t attend. We took this as a positive step in the direction of respect for us being true to our beliefs.

So In general our approach has been to be honest about our beliefs and objections, and to not throw them in people’s faces, but to be willing to tactfully and privately state our objections if necessary to explain our choices. We have found that we’ve gotten better at being tactful, **matter of fact, and not emotional, **and our family has gotten better at recognizing and respecting our right to make our own choices even when they differ with theirs. Over the years, we have had many opportunities to practice this - after all, a faithful Catholic family will often make opposite choices of those around them - personally, I am very glad that our family knows who we are and what we believe. Not only do we not have to put energy into hiding our beliefs, but it also allows us to witness the faith - we wouldn’t be able to plant any seeds if we didn’t let our beliefs be known.

I recently had to be clear minded about a similar situation. Making a correct decision brings forth a sense of compassion for the couple and all those involved.

This thread is old but certainly a good basis and source for helping me discuss a difficult topic.

I feel ‘late to the party’. So many Catholics have struggled with this long before me. The old seasoned help mixed with recent help is much appreciated.

Thanks