Awkward situations

[Asella]

I often find myself in situations where a friend or relative will announce their pregnancy out of wedlock or announce they are planning to move in with their significant other outside of wedlock. They will announce these things without shame and expect your congratulations (and sometimes a huge baby shower or housewarming party). How should I handle it when I am presented with this “good news” as they like to call it? I don’t want to respond with approval, but I also don’t want to sound preachy (people don’t respond well to preaching). It’s so difficult when an unwed mother comes to me and expresses her excitement because she is expecting a child. I believe every child is a blessing, but I find it hard to get excited for them because they are not married. How should I handle these awkward situations?

 

[Gerry_Hunter]

My Mother had an approach that might help.

Mom certainly did not approve of out-of-wedlock intimacy. But if it came to pass, and a baby was on the way, Mom always concentrated on the baby. As she put it, the baby was a true innocent in the situation. If the mom-to-be was excited, Mom woould start asking when the baby was due, or whether they thought it was a boy or a girl, or someting similar.

I don’t know exactly how to advise you on how to implement this, but perhaps if you think about it, you can formulate something that might work for you.

Blessings,

Gerry

 

[Pug]

I have always focused on the baby, when are you due, have you got a room all set up, do you have a name, I give the mom a hug, etc. A baby is a baby, no matter what may have passed before.

I have never encountered the situation of someone wanting me to congratulate them about living together out of wedlock. I have known many people in the situation, but it is just their life, not something I have to approve of. I have friends who are secular humanists, atheists, etc. There is some kind of middle path of sharing your friend’s joy but they still know who I am and they can still ask what I think about a choice of theirs. I err on the side of friendship, and people still seem to know where I stand. I think it helps that my friends know I am Catholic and they know some of what I believe, so they do know what I think just by my being there and being a Catholic, if that makes sense.

Sometimes, however, I express an opinion about what they should do, but it is an occasional thing, and usually not in the face of a done deal. I feel I get more of a hearing that way, and I find it counter-productive to express an opinion if it has no way of being heard.

 

[maendem]

I like the posts that encourage focusing on the child in cases where the mother-to-be announces her out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

For friends proclaiming their plans to “move in” with a significant other, I try not to betray any judgement right when they tell me. I usually ask nonchalantly, “So, how do you feel about those plans?” Astonishingly, (or perhaps not) the women generally aren’t quite as thrilled as they are acting when they first announce the news. Last week, when a friend gave me that line, she admitted in response that she was actually terrified of moving in with a guy she’s just met, which gave me an opening to witness to what real love can be, and why my husband and I waited for marriage.

I have so often experienced with different (secular) girlfriends of mine that what they really crave is old-fashioned romance, the ring on their finger, a man who prizes their honor and will settle for nothing less than marriage, as much as they pretend to mock those things. Being asked to “move in” entails none of those things, but is often a crushing dissapointment that must be masked with excessive boasting and exclamations about the move. Don’t put them on the defensive, but do invite their honest questions; they will have them for sure.

 

[maendem]

I like the posts that encourage focusing on the child in cases where the mother-to-be announces her out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

For friends proclaiming their plans to “move in” with a significant other, I try not to betray any judgement right when they tell me. I usually ask nonchalantly, “So, how do you feel about those plans?” Astonishingly, (or perhaps not) the women generally aren’t quite as thrilled as they are acting when they first announce the news. Last week, when a friend gave me that line, she admitted in response that she was actually terrified of moving in, which gave me an opening to witness to what real love can be, and why my husband and I waited for marriage.

I have so often experienced with different (secular) girlfriends of mine that what they really crave is old-fashioned romance, the ring on their finger, a man who prizes their honor and will settle for nothing less than marriage, as much as they pretend to mock those things. Being asked to “move in” entails none of those values, but is often a crushing dissapointment that must be masked with excessive boasting and exclamations about the move. Don’t put them on the defensive, but do invite their honest questions; they will have them for sure.

 

[puzzleannie]

I too focus onthe baby, saying something like “babies are always good news, when are you due, is there anything you need help with?” the last only if I am prepared to follow-thru with help.

for the moving in with straight or gay lover, divorce or other announcement, I usually ask, how do you feel about it? if it is somebody who seems to be asking for (name removed by moderator)ut. or more neutral (where it is not someone asking my approval, but someone just making an announcement, not someone I am responsible for) “I hope everything goes well for you, I will be praying for you.”

I never offer my direct opinion unless I am asked specifically, then I state Church teaching, and that I agree, on the grounds that to act otherwise leads to suffering and unhappiness. When the obvious rejoinder, “but it feels so right, we are so happy” comes, I go into the “I hope all goes well with you, I will be praying for you” answer.