Awkward Social Skills and Courting/Dating

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Hi everyone! I am here to ask for some advice on a particular problem persistently affects me. I am fairly socially awkward, in particular around women, in social situations. I am fairly certain that I am not called to a celibate vocation. I am having trouble in relationships(or initiating them) and here is why:
  1. I am terrible at small talk. I don’t engage in discussions unless there is something meaningful to discuss. This leads to awkward silence frequently.
  2. I am timid and awkward when it comes to human touch (except handshakes). I have a difficult time knowing when to have human contact and how much, even with my own family. This has led to many awkward hugs, etc.
  3. I have a dry sense of humor and am a poor funny story teller.
  4. I am too formal, and professional. I have much difficulty “unwinding”
  5. It appears to me that I know everything(not really, I am exaggerating) about the history, science, and theology of courtship and dating except for practical application( I can talk endlessly about the Canticles of Canticles, Theology of the Body, Moral Theology, Sociology of Marriage, etc.)
I have been striving to improve in virtue and to grow in authentic masculinity. Can you please help me brothers and sisters in Christ?

Thank you and Long Live Christ the King!
 
Focus on socializing more in general first. Build up a solid circle of friends. Seek out Catholic clubs and such, they have events where you can get out there. People like talking about themselves, so try and become adept at asking questions, especially questions that aren’t “yes or no” answer questions.
 
Estevao said:
Focus on socializing more in general first. Build up a solid circle of friends. Seek out Catholic clubs and such, they have events where you can get out there. People like talking about themselves, so try and become adept at asking questions, especially questions that aren’t “yes or no” answer questions.
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Estevao, Thank you so much for responding. I should have mentioned, that I have already done that. In my Youth, I was one of the leaders in my pro life youth group. Now I am starting my college pro life group this semester. I am also heavily involved in my local diocese and am a volunteer for my local Catholic Summer Camp and Church Youth Ministry. I have a huge circle of Catholic Friends, filial friends, but I have a hard time drawing in closer. Any suggestions my brother in Christ?
 
Just talk to girls about whatever. It’s simpler than you think. Girls aren’t that harsh if you aren’t a total suave gentleman. They understand you’re still figuring things out.

I read this book a while back “Conversationally speaking” (a good book to get if you feel you have no skills talking to other people), and there are three things you can talk about when you have to initiate a “cold” conversation: you (not the best, but preferable to not talking to her at all), something going on around you that you have in common, and the other person (the last two are best). If you think she’s smiling a lot and whatnot ask you are talking to her, ask her out to do something sometime. It doesn’t have to be the time you first start talking to her if you think you’ll see her again soon.

When you’re talking, first get to know what kind of stuff she likes to see if you share the same things. Is she sporty? Is she bookish? Is she musical? Then ask if she wants to spend some time together doing that. You don’t have to call it a date. Just hang out with her alone and talk and have fun. Try to do it in a public place so she doesn’t feel nervous about you trying anything too forward. If you have a good time, ask to do it again. If not, well…plenty of fish in the sea. Everybody gets nervous before you ask somebody on a date, and everybody gets rejected, don’t become bitter and not try again. God will put the right woman in your life. Make sure you pray for her, whoever she is, and pray to be the man who is ready when he brings her along.

God bless you brother, a lot of Catholic women are totally out there and want a good man, be that man.
 
I have been married to someone who has some traits in common with you for over 20 years.

My advice from the female point of view is to make sure you communicate carefully what you want. So if you want to spend time with her and go see a movie then get a quick cup of coffee before going home (separately) - ask her directly if she’s like to do exactly that. If you feel you two are really hitting it off and that you like her - tell her you like her, don’t assume she knows.

My biggest struggle both when dating and during our marriage is when my husband’s lack of verbal cues trigger misunderstandings or insecurities in myself. When he remembers that, logical or not to him, I need to hear what seems obvious to him, things go better. And it works both ways - I have to remember not to assume that just because he didn’t ask about my day or say “I love you” for days at a time does not mean he doesn’t care … rather he simply figures if anything happened I’d want to talk about, then I’d say it and that he works so hard, comes straight home from work, is always willing to give me a hug (if I initiate it), is entirely trustworthy and honest, etc all say that he loves me in a more profound way (in his view) than any words.

It took a long time for us to meet and longer to realize how to deal with our very different styles but it’s been an amazing marriage and I know I’m incredibly blessed to have him.

Keep working on being the best you, that you can be - but know that out there is someone who, though different, will love and appreciate you for all the qualities you have that others don’t.
 
Dating was never easy. Just keep pressing on and if God means you to be with someone, it will happen.

ICXC NIKA
 
jackofalltopics said:
Hi everyone! I am here to ask for some advice on a particular problem persistently affects me. I am fairly socially awkward, in particular around women, in social situations. I am fairly certain that I am not called to a celibate vocation. I am having trouble in relationships(or initiating them) and here is why:
  1. I am terrible at small talk. I don’t engage in discussions unless there is something meaningful to discuss. This leads to awkward silence frequently.
  2. I am timid and awkward when it comes to human touch (except handshakes). I have a difficult time knowing when to have human contact and how much, even with my own family. This has led to many awkward hugs, etc.
  3. I have a dry sense of humor and am a poor funny story teller.
  4. I am too formal, and professional. I have much difficulty “unwinding”
  5. It appears to me that I know everything(not really, I am exaggerating) about the history, science, and theology of courtship and dating except for practical application( I can talk endlessly about the Canticles of Canticles, Theology of the Body, Moral Theology, Sociology of Marriage, etc.)
I have been striving to improve in virtue and to grow in authentic masculinity. Can you please help me brothers and sisters in Christ?

Thank you and Long Live Christ the King!
Click to expand...
In your situation, you might have more success in becoming a good listener, instead of a talker; it is a skill you can learn.
 
Small talk is a social skill that you can master with practice.
Find a Toastmasters group in your area and join. It will help you to develop the skills which will enable you to create safer spaces for (in the future) deeper conversation.
 
You’re similar to me except you’re livelier.

At college, don’t forget you’re there to develop your mind, in subjects secular as well as spiritual - after all God gave us them all.

Authentic masculinity includes infinite intellectual development as well as the things other respondents have mentioned.

Why wouldn’t God want you to be one of the co-leaders in many fields and not just one?

Don’t try to seamlessly fit the worldly stereotypes for “social skills” but read thoughtful spiritual books on co-leadership.
 
Estevao said:
Focus on socializing more in general first. Build up a solid circle of friends. Seek out Catholic clubs and such, they have events where you can get out there. People like talking about themselves, so try and become adept at asking questions, especially questions that aren’t “yes or no” answer questions.
Click to expand...
This is excellent advice.
 
I consider myself to be quite perceptive, and I observe other people’s behaviors. One of the things I’ve learned is that even normally confident and extroverted people can experience awkwardness like those you enumerated. This may seem surprising, but as I keep on being observant, I realized that confident people are just people like anyone else.

Just some examples off the top of my head. At a birthday party, a relative’s wife, who is good looking and a former model was asked something about her baby. She responded but didn’t add any questions or comments to keep the conversing going, and her facial expression looked awkward, like she didn’t know what else to say. I’ve been to a singles mingle event and it turns out one of the women there also modeled on the side. She was seated at the same dinner table as myself. Later on during the games and activities, I noticed that she didn’t talk to the guy she was paired up with for the game while waiting, just kept on texting or whatever on the phone. The purpose of the activities was to let people talk to and meet new people, but majority prefer to just talk to people they already know.
 
jackofalltopics said:
Hi everyone! I am here to ask for some advice on a particular problem persistently affects me. I am fairly socially awkward, in particular around women, in social situations. I am fairly certain that I am not called to a celibate vocation. I am having trouble in relationships(or initiating them) and here is why:
  1. I am terrible at small talk. I don’t engage in discussions unless there is something meaningful to discuss. This leads to awkward silence frequently.
  2. I am timid and awkward when it comes to human touch (except handshakes). I have a difficult time knowing when to have human contact and how much, even with my own family. This has led to many awkward hugs, etc.
  3. I have a dry sense of humor and am a poor funny story teller.
  4. I am too formal, and professional. I have much difficulty “unwinding”
  5. It appears to me that I know everything(not really, I am exaggerating) about the history, science, and theology of courtship and dating except for practical application( I can talk endlessly about the Canticles of Canticles, Theology of the Body, Moral Theology, Sociology of Marriage, etc.)
I have been striving to improve in virtue and to grow in authentic masculinity. Can you please help me brothers and sisters in Christ?

Thank you and Long Live Christ the King!
Click to expand...
Apologies for not having read the thread.

You need a little small talk. A diet with too much small talk is bad, of course, but you need to be able to sustain a 3-minute conversation with just about anybody.

It’s OK not to be a hugger in normal social life, but you’ll need to be more open to casual touch to date.

Don’t unleash the dry humor on people that don’t know you well, or they won’t understand what you mean. Likewise, don’t even try with funny stories. Some people are funny story people–let them tell the funny stories.

It’s a bit of a cliche to recommend social dance to the awkward. I’m normally a bit skeptical about that advice, but I think it would help you in a lot of areas: more natural movement, touch, being more responsive, practicing light chit chat.
 
I personally got a lot out of working retail.

When I was a teen working in my parents store, I needed to greet and chat up hundreds–thousands–of people. It was stressful, and there was a learning curve, but you get better and better at it.
 
Xantippe said:
I personally got a lot out of working retail.

When I was a teen working in my parents store, I needed to greet and chat up hundreds–thousands–of people. It was stressful, and there was a learning curve, but you get better and better at it.
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Thanks for Responding. Though that isn’t my struggle exactly. I as well have much experience from activism, leadership, and interviews as well. My issue if this helps to enlighten better, is that I am too professional in my dialogue. Do you get what I am saying? God Bless
 
jackofalltopics said:
Thanks for Responding. Though that isn’t my struggle exactly. I as well have much experience from activism, leadership, and interviews as well. My issue if this helps to enlighten better, is that I am too professional in my dialogue. Do you get what I am saying? God Bless
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Yeah, I understand. I think we’re talking about somewhat different things.

Retail is actually a very good place for having a lot of casual, pleasant mini-conversations with a lot of different people. (Have you ever listened to grocery store checkers who are able to have 90 second conversations?)
 
Perhaps a focus upon helping the person with whom you are conversing will be helpful. It would take the focus off of your professionalism and onto providing support, so that others might shine and feel comfortable.
It could be a wonderful gift to those you meet- especially the shy ones.
May God bless you and all who visit your thread.
Amen.
 
jackofalltopics said:
Hi everyone! I am here to ask for some advice on a particular problem persistently affects me. I am fairly socially awkward, in particular around women, in social situations. I am fairly certain that I am not called to a celibate vocation. I am having trouble in relationships(or initiating them) and here is why:
  1. I am terrible at small talk. I don’t engage in discussions unless there is something meaningful to discuss. This leads to awkward silence frequently.
  2. I am timid and awkward when it comes to human touch (except handshakes). I have a difficult time knowing when to have human contact and how much, even with my own family. This has led to many awkward hugs, etc.
  3. I have a dry sense of humor and am a poor funny story teller.
  4. I am too formal, and professional. I have much difficulty “unwinding”
  5. It appears to me that I know everything(not really, I am exaggerating) about the history, science, and theology of courtship and dating except for practical application( I can talk endlessly about the Canticles of Canticles, Theology of the Body, Moral Theology, Sociology of Marriage, etc.)
I have been striving to improve in virtue and to grow in authentic masculinity. Can you please help me brothers and sisters in Christ?

Thank you and Long Live Christ the King!
Click to expand...
How old are you by chance?

Wow, a lot of what you’re saying sounds very similar to me. I wish you the best of luck.
 
You have said you feel awkward when it comes to small talk, touch, formal vs informal and so on. So I will strongly recommend you try social dancing and be willing to put in the time it takes to get decent at it. I’m an introvert and social dancing is one of the ways I reach out socially.

Why should you try it? Because group lessons (which are usually not that expensive) present a good, low pressure environment in which to interact with women and work on your sociability and physicality with them. In addition, you will learn things like frame and leadership. You will learn to be comfortable and confident when holding your partner in standard open and closed positions, and leading her thru patterns. When you do that, you will have immediate non-verbal feedback via how your partners respond. The women in your classes are there for the same reason you are, they want to become better dancers. That right there can be your ice breaker to start conversations. You can talk about the class and the teacher. That can lead to what other places do you go dancing? Are there other dance styles you like? Other safe topics can be introduced as you become more comfortable. Finally, take a deep breath and relax, get out of your head, not every conversation has to be weighty like War and Peace.
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
You have said you feel awkward when it comes to small talk, touch, formal vs informal and so on. So I will strongly recommend you try social dancing and be willing to put in the time it takes to get decent at it. I’m an introvert and social dancing is one of the ways I reach out socially.

Why should you try it? Because group lessons (which are usually not that expensive) present a good, low pressure environment in which to interact with women and work on your sociability and physicality with them. In addition, you will learn things like frame and leadership. You will learn to be comfortable and confident when holding your partner in standard open and closed positions, and leading her thru patterns. When you do that, you will have immediate non-verbal feedback via how your partners respond. The women in your classes are there for the same reason you are, they want to become better dancers. That right there can be your ice breaker to start conversations. You can talk about the class and the teacher. That can lead to what other places do you go dancing? Are there other dance styles you like? Other safe topics can be introduced as you become more comfortable. Finally, take a deep breath and relax, get out of your head, not every conversation has to be weighty like War and Peace.
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Stongly agree!
👍
 
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