Baby and in-laws

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MiserereMei25

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Hi,

I have a 4 month old. I feel like I barely see him during the week because of work so on the weekends I like to spend as much time possible with him. But my in laws feel I’m too selfish when it comes to him during the weekends when they visit and are kind of annoyed with me right now.

I try to give them some time with the baby, but I take advantage of most of the time I can to hold him, sit with him, and interact with him.

Is this morally wrong for me to do?
 
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No, you’re doing nothing wrong. Please don’t let them make you feel selfish or guilty for wanting to spend time with your son. You’re neither of those things.

Could your husband have a quiet word with them and explain how you’re feeling, so they back off a little? Of course they want to see him and hold him but the way they’re acting now isn’t conducive to that.
 
I am a man 🙂

Me and my wife had a discussion about this and it’s ongoing right now. She really values her families opinions and I’m trying to express my feelings as best I can. But I may be coming off too abrasive because it makes my blood boil lol.
 
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Ah, apologies! My fault for not checking your profile.

You aren’t being selfish at all, far from it. It’s completely normal to want to spend time with your baby and IMO that should come before what your in laws want.

Have you said to your wife what you said in your opening post? Because that doesn’t come across as abrasive to me. Perhaps if you’re finding it really difficult, you could write it and give it to your wife as a letter? Explain your frustrations come because you’re trying to be a good father but feel as though you don’t see him enough, and when you do, you’re told you’re spending too much time with him. Hopefully she will understand this and ask her family to back off a little.
 
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Out of curiosity, is this their first grand-baby? It can be really difficult to parent the first grand-baby because some growing pains come with figuring out and asserting what the roles and boundaries are for grand-parents.

Both our Catholic faith and any marriage counselor will tell you that your wife’s loyalty needs to prioritize you and your baby first, then the extended family. On the other hand, try to be gentle with your wife because we women are under perpetual pressure to keep everyone happy . . . even during those intense post-partum days.

I would recommend not inviting the in-laws over until afternoon or early evening in order to give your young family a chance to bond together.

Also, as soon as you and your wife both feel ready to leave your son with some pumped breastmilk or formula, offer the grandparents the opportunity to baby-sit while you and your wife go out and reconnect. If you’re nervous about it, just go out on a brief date for a drive-through latte, or on a walk around the neighborhood with your cell phones on! It’s win-win because your in-laws feel useful and get time with the baby while the time you spend with your wife can nurture your marriage during these otherwise stressful times.
 
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Hi
Assuming you ave to work, you need time w your baby. Are your in laws retired. Can they come during the week. Help clean your house, cook dinner spend time w baby? Or you take morning shift, they get 4 hours in the afternoon. Your first child is a wonderful experience. He’s their sons child as well as yours. Do they come every week end? Just be honest. Tell them you want them innhis life. In law situations feel tricky but they usually are wonderful. Your MIL can be a second Mom to you. I am to my kids spouses.
Feel blessed. You are not alone.
Have a Blessed New Year!
Tweedlealice
 
It sounds like it might be time to limit visits. You should never be made to feel like you’re hogging your own child. Your in-laws are out of line for calling you selfish for holding and playing with your own son, and they need to back off, in my opinion.

Once a week visits would be too much for me, especially if my in laws were calling me selfish. Your wife should really not be allowing them to speak poorly of you, and should be defending your right to hold your own baby. If they’d been polite about it and asked for more time, that would be one thing. But they’re being overbearing and rude. That behavior shouldn’t be rewarded with more time just because they say so.
 
You are blessed to have family that wants to be close to the baby. My side of the family doesn’t seem much interested in having a relationship with my children, whereas my wife’s side has always tried to spend time with them.
 
Is it possible you’re unintentionally giving them the impression you don’t trust them with your son? Like, if you’re hovering nearby and take him back after 30 seconds of letting them hold him, maybe they think you lack confidence in their grandparenting?
 
Grandma watches him every week day while we are at work. We do schedule dates together now and then and let grandma, grandpa, aunt and cousin watch him while we go to dinner or something.
 
You know, I didn’t think of that. Maybe your right. At the same time, don’t you think it would be nice if people could understand that it’s difficult for a new parent to give the baby up? I mean soon we will have to let him go when he starts to walk and what not. But he’s still fresh in the world?
 
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Oh, I don’t think you’re weird at all for wanting to spend time with him. I’m just trying to imagine it from their perspective.
 
Gotcha. I am thinking about what you mentioned though because that’s a good point. My problem is that I end up being to hard on myself.
 
MiserereMei25 said:
Grandma watches him every week day while we are at work.
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So she sees him more than you do during the week, and then has the nerve to say you’re selfish for wanting to spend time with him when you’re home?

Is there a particular reason they visit so much, when they already see the baby during the week?
 
Not at all. You’re the baby’s parent. You get to decide who gets to spend time with him. My wife is the same way (as am I to a lesser degree.) She wants all the time she can get with him on the weekends. Especially during these early months, no, you are not wrong.

Your in-laws are being selfish by trying to make you feel bad for desiring time with your baby. If they can’t respect your need, I wouldn’t invite them over.
 
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