Back in college...and depressed

[lontas]

Hey, everyone. I’m a student who’s dealing with some major feelings of dejection right now. I was wondering if anyone could offer any insights. I apologize for the length and haphazardness of the following. Here’s my situation.

I like to consider myself a pretty secure guy most of the time. But every time college starts in the fall, I get an onslaught of negative emotions and I’m not sure why. Depression, dejection, loneliness, inadequacy, stress. I should probably mention I have never liked school of any kind. It never seems interesting at all to me; instead it makes me mad because it seems to take control of my whole life–I’m stuck in classes all day, homework all evening, no time to learn about the things I’m most interested in, no time for friends or family, very little time for spiritual life, etc. I also have trouble talking to people, even those people who I really like. I get all nervous and tense whenever I talk to anyone I don’t know really well. I should also say that I’m dealing with a crush. She’s the most amazing, sweet, kind, gorgeous young lady I’ve ever seen…you know how it is. I know you want to say “Just ask her out already!” but the problem is, I already did. It’s just that I did it in a very tactless way, and I think that may have put her off for good. I didn’t mean to do it that way, of course–that’s just the way I get when I talk to people I don’t know very well.

And the worst part is, all of these negative emotions make me act like a jerk. I blow people off, don’t give them respect or courtesy, and make it look like I don’t care about them. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth! I just have trouble expressing what I really want to express–true Christian charity.

Anyway, these emotions seem to come out of nowhere. I guess my question is, what is the source of them? Are they merely symptoms of what could be a larger problem? Any other solutions or insights? I just want to know what I can do (besides praying and daily Mass) to deal with and/or put a stop to these fruitless emotions. I know this isn’t very much information, but I’m thankful for any answers you might have.

Peace,

Chris

 

[momof3boys]

I don’t really have any advice to give. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be praying for you.

 

[cheddarsox]

Chris, Your description of yourself is a good description of me during my college age days (at least with regards to school). 22 yrs later, I still go through back to school blues.

There are ways of getting an education that are more appealing to those who love to learn but have a hard time with the intense schedule and structure. You could go to a college with a non-traditional program, there are some very different sorts of schools out there that appeal to those with different learning styles.

Some people choose to do self directed study programs that are associated with Universities. You can find books about these things in your local library.

You could also go to school part time/work part time. There are many creative ways to get an education that suits you. Some people allow their dislike of school to interfere with their education, but it doesn’t have to.

cheddar

 

[Princess_Abby]

How well do you know this girl?

Is she a good friend? Or just someone you vaguely know and feel very attracted to?

Depending on how close your relationship is and how comfortable you feel about opening up to her, you might try just being honest about your…social shortcomings? Tell her you simply get nervous and you just wanted to spend some time with her, and you apologize if your original suggestion sounded less than ideal. Maybe send her an email first, asking if she could meet for coffee so you two can have a chat? Then after you’ve explained things and sheepishly but endearingly asked her to give you a try (), ask if she would mind having dinner some night, or–preferrably, some sort of activity where you’re semi-distracted but still able to talk (takes the burden off for constant conversation). Like, a fall festival or carnival with rides, etc. Or a college football game.

Good luck, and try to relax. Life is not really about spending massive amounts of time with people your exact same age–at least, it isn’t after you graduate college and/or grad school. The real world is full of interesting and diverse people with many different gifts, talents and preferences for social interaction. Your first actual career job might help show you this someday!

 

[dhgray]

Hi Chris,

Yes, college can be tough, not only emotionally and physically but also spiritually; and NO you are not alone.

To answer your questions: “Anyway, these emotions seem to come out of nowhere. I guess my question is, what is the source of them? Are they merely symptoms of what could be a larger problem?” My best guess is you need to be with spiritually balanced people who will be there to support you. I know I did. A lot of what you are experiencing, I went through too.

Imagine being surrounded by men and women your age who love and serve the Lord and each other. When you (as you said) “act like a jerk. I blow people off, don’t give them respect or courtesy, and make it look like I don’t care about them.” They will be there for you with Christian love and understanding.

If you are interested, there is a Vatican approved Catholic-Christian Community in your area called CFC-Singles for Christ in the Minneapolis which can help you.

Please contact me for more information. You do not have to be alone.

 

[lontas]

Thank you all for your prayers and advice. It has begun to help already.

Well, after some further thinking, I’ve realized that almost all of these problems are a result of the crush. Princess Abby, thanks for your insight into communication with women–unfortunately, this crush is more complicated than that. I didn’t want to get into all the messy details of it at first, but basically, we used to talk in class a lot and now we don’t talk anymore at all (except for the occasional “Hi”). Believe me, I would love to talk to her again. But I think I really did scare her off. I just don’t know how to go up to her after 9 months of minimal communication and say, “Oh, by the way, remember 9 months ago when I tried to ask you out? I’m not really that weird; I’m just socially unskilled. So, how 'bout a second try?” No, somehow I don’t see that going over very well. I am waiting for a chance to reopen the lines of communication, though. And of course, I always try to take a hopeful-but-realistic attitude toward these things.

dhgray, I’ve always been curious about CFC Singles–but unfortunately time is the enemy here. Maybe when I graduate. Thanks for your advice.

Cheddar, your words really rang true with me because I had been thinking about exactly the same options for a while now! But this is my sixth and last year of university, and I figured it would be best to just stay and finish up.

Thank you, everybody. Peace,

Chris

 

[turboEDvo]

lontas:

I should also say that I’m dealing with a crush. She’s the most amazing, sweet, kind, gorgeous young lady I’ve ever seen…you know how it is. I know you want to say “Just ask her out already!” but the problem is, I already did. It’s just that I did it in a very tactless way, and I think that may have put her off for good. I didn’t mean to do it that way, of course–that’s just the way I get when I talk to people I don’t know very well.

Dude, if you want to pick two of the most unlikely people to be together based purely on personal history, look at my girlfriend and me. I won’t go into details, but one might say that before I really put my heart and soul toward Catholicism, I was less than a wonderful guy toward her. She had absolutely no reason to even talk to me any more. But…SURPRISE…we’ve been together almost a year. Try asking her again. The thing I told my gf was that I was sorry for the past and I couldn’t change it, but asked if she would look past that and see who I am now (I am practically a polar opposite of myself one year ago). Take a chance if it is bugging you. Ask her to coffee. Say “Hey, I know we may have some history that is causing tension between us, but would you mind having coffee sometime?” She might blow you off, or she might have just been waiting for you to make your move. You never know. And honestly, I think knowing one way or the other is better than cogitating on what could have been. That would be my approach.

Eamon

 

[Fortiterinre]

lontas:

Believe me, I would love to talk to her again. But I think I really did scare her off. I just don’t know how to go up to her after 9 months of minimal communication and say, “Oh, by the way, remember 9 months ago when I tried to ask you out? I’m not really that weird; I’m just socially unskilled. So, how 'bout a second try?” No, somehow I don’t see that going over very well.

Actually there is a lot of sincerity here that might go over better than a line, and with a smile could come across pretty well.