A
Ahoy89
Guest
Ok this is a long one sorry.
( i am clinically diagnosed with anxiety and OCD)
Backstory I always have belived in God but have fallen from faith and lived in the flesh for nearly 30 years.
Until Oct 2018 i was having some dire health issues I was afraid I was going to die. I distinctly remember the night I was crying in bed I cried out to Jesus please save me! From then on God has been transforming me.
Shortly after my renewed love and pursuit of God I completely lost faith in him, i thought jesus was a crazy guy who fooled people and his apostles stole his body.
I prayed and prayed and prayed and after a month God restored me I believed he existed and accepted jesus again.
Flash foward to April 2020
I have been able to from the help of God to stop some really destructive sins from occurring and he has opened my eyes to new sins I didnt even know were sins and I started to see things that were toxic in my life that could lead to sin.
I made a commitment to fast and pray during Lent and spend my mornings praying and evenings reading the bible and praying instead of watching netflix. For the past 30ish days its been going great.
I also began reading st. Ignatius whole life confession and thats where it all started. Out of the blue
I was reading the gospels as directed in the whole life confession,
I began having periodic thoughts of blasphemy like, did jesus really raise from the dead? Why would he put himself above a poor person? He just said that because he was mad he had to carry the cross, he died a painful death and deserved it. Ect.
Im currently in Leviticus, and I get thoughts of just questioning God in why he established certain numbers and rituals and animals as holy, why does he get to decide, that’s boastful or he is full of himself, why should we listen to him? Seeing Jesus name in the bible or else where or speaking it is making me uncomfortable
Its like my view of God is going from being in complete awe of his brillance, beauty and power to a rebellion and resentment and I hate it.
When I pray i feel dull inside like im not speaking from my heart and it feels fake.
I try to fight these thoughts with real evidence of gods love and desire to be with us or with the word of god but to no help thus far.
I keep praying asking for help but honestly right now it feels easier not to pray, worship or read the bible so these thoughts are gone.
Im just so freaked out why I am having these bad thoughts I am thinking are these my thoughts do I really feel like this? Why now? Why all of a sudden? What did i do wrong? Will this end? What do I do? I should give up im going to burn in hell theres no point anymore.
Its so depressing
Thank you for reading and your help
( i am clinically diagnosed with anxiety and OCD)
Backstory I always have belived in God but have fallen from faith and lived in the flesh for nearly 30 years.
Until Oct 2018 i was having some dire health issues I was afraid I was going to die. I distinctly remember the night I was crying in bed I cried out to Jesus please save me! From then on God has been transforming me.
Shortly after my renewed love and pursuit of God I completely lost faith in him, i thought jesus was a crazy guy who fooled people and his apostles stole his body.
I prayed and prayed and prayed and after a month God restored me I believed he existed and accepted jesus again.
Flash foward to April 2020
I have been able to from the help of God to stop some really destructive sins from occurring and he has opened my eyes to new sins I didnt even know were sins and I started to see things that were toxic in my life that could lead to sin.
I made a commitment to fast and pray during Lent and spend my mornings praying and evenings reading the bible and praying instead of watching netflix. For the past 30ish days its been going great.
I also began reading st. Ignatius whole life confession and thats where it all started. Out of the blue
I was reading the gospels as directed in the whole life confession,
I began having periodic thoughts of blasphemy like, did jesus really raise from the dead? Why would he put himself above a poor person? He just said that because he was mad he had to carry the cross, he died a painful death and deserved it. Ect.
Im currently in Leviticus, and I get thoughts of just questioning God in why he established certain numbers and rituals and animals as holy, why does he get to decide, that’s boastful or he is full of himself, why should we listen to him? Seeing Jesus name in the bible or else where or speaking it is making me uncomfortable
Its like my view of God is going from being in complete awe of his brillance, beauty and power to a rebellion and resentment and I hate it.
When I pray i feel dull inside like im not speaking from my heart and it feels fake.
I try to fight these thoughts with real evidence of gods love and desire to be with us or with the word of god but to no help thus far.
I keep praying asking for help but honestly right now it feels easier not to pray, worship or read the bible so these thoughts are gone.
Im just so freaked out why I am having these bad thoughts I am thinking are these my thoughts do I really feel like this? Why now? Why all of a sudden? What did i do wrong? Will this end? What do I do? I should give up im going to burn in hell theres no point anymore.
Its so depressing
Thank you for reading and your help