Balancing selflessness and self-care

[DarkLight]

How do you learn how to do this? How do you learn how to appropriately value the Christian idea of using your time wisely, and of putting others before yourself, while still being consicous of your own needs? Especially if you’re not always good at recognizing the latter…

I always thought it was simple. And yet…I find myself in a position where I am forced to acknowledge that there are more needs than simple physical ones. I managed to get myself pretty well into a nervous breakdown thinking that!

And it’s not always clear what the difference between something you need and something you want is. Especially when never having anything fun, or never getting anything you want, isn’t really healthy for you.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

And it’s not always clear what the difference between something you need and something you want is. Especially when never having anything fun, or never getting anything you want, isn’t really healthy for you.

I don’t know about you but for me, the difference has become insignificant. When I don’t want to do something, I’ve known my mind to eventually undermine any efforts or ‘higher reasoning’ to persist doing it regardless.

On the bright side, knowing how you like to be treated really is the precursor to knowing how to treat others. If you don’t have the former, you might as well be sharing hot air when trying the latter.

 

[ClearWater]

How do you learn how to do this? How do you learn how to appropriately value the Christian idea of using your time wisely, and of putting others before yourself, while still being consicous of your own needs? Especially if you’re not always good at recognizing the latter…

I always thought it was simple. And yet…**I find myself in a position where I am forced to acknowledge that there are more needs than simple physical ones. I managed to get myself pretty well into a nervous breakdown thinking that!

And it’s not always clear what the difference between something you need and something you want is. Especially when never having anything fun, or never getting anything you want, isn’t really healthy for you.**

If you have gotten yourself into a nervous breakdown, I strongly suspect you are ignoring your own needs.

Now, while this sounds all well and good, I can assure you that it is NOT.

Well, for practical reasons, how can you do a good job caring for others when you don’t take good care of yourself? You can’t. You will burn out, which it sounds like you already have done.

Now, burnout is very real. I studied some social work, and in helping professions, they talk about the tendency we have to deny our own needs, put others first. If we do this chronically, we will eventually burnout, just a question of time, and experience resentment, anger, and all the rest for having denied our needs for so long.

Ask yourself if you have a codependent relationship with whatever your work is? Do you NEED it in order to feel good about yourself?

Care for yourself FIRST! Now, while this sounds selfish, on the surface, I assure you it’s not. It’s a little like how, on a plane, they tell you in the event of a problem with pressure, to put YOUR oxygen mask on, first, BEFORE putting others on.

They tell you to do it in THAT order. A codependent will try to put someone else’s on first, deny his/her own needs, later feel victimized, angry, resentful…for attending to everyone else first while his/her needs always are ignored, not attended to.

Care for yourself FIRST!

 

[ClearWater]

How do you learn how to do this? How do you learn how to appropriately value the Christian idea of using your time wisely, and of putting others before yourself, while still being consicous of your own needs? Especially if you’re not always good at recognizing the latter…

I always thought it was simple. And yet…I find myself in a position where I am forced to acknowledge that there are more needs than simple physical ones. I managed to get myself pretty well into a nervous breakdown thinking that!

And it’s not always clear what the difference between something you need and something you want is. ** Especially when never having anything fun, or never getting anything you want, isn’t really healthy for you.**

You have said it. Have some fun, get what you want, and do what’s healthy for yourself. Then, AFTER you are taken care of, if you have some time or energy left over, then you can use that towards others, but not to a point you neglect yourself. That seems to be the line.

 

[DarkLight]

Ask yourself if you have a codependent relationship with whatever your work is? Do you NEED it in order to feel good about yourself?

Care for yourself FIRST! Now, while this sounds selfish, on the surface, I assure you it’s not. It’s a little like how, on a plane, they tell you in the event of a problem with pressure, to put YOUR oxygen mask on, first, BEFORE putting others on.

They tell you to do it in THAT order. A codependent will try to put someone else’s on first, deny his/her own needs, later feel victimized, angry, resentful…for attending to everyone else first while his/her needs always are ignored, not attended to.

Care for yourself FIRST!

Much of the difficulty for me is that it is very tied up in religious or quasi-religious values. I grew up in a very insular fundamentalist church, so it’s very hard for me to have normal needs without feeling like I’m committing a major sin.

So, for example, accepting any sort of charity is hard for me. If I could possibly do something to earn money right now, no matter how inadvisable or whether it would require me delaying medical care, I feel like I need to do it rather than accepting a “handout.” After all, Paul said let him who will not work not eat.

On top of that sort of thing, I also still struggle with a lot of ideas about how Christians are supposed to feel. After all, if I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me, that means I cannot be weak or tired because it would be admitting that God wasn’t enough for me. If I really had faith I’d never be worn out like that - it must be because of some sin in my life.

 

[DarkLight]

The big struggle for me is that I can’t seem to see what the difference between doing what I need and doing what I want is. And it seems like in a situation like mine where I’m having to rely on charity, anything that prolongs that unnecessarily is taking resources that could be used elsewhere, and thus sinful. But I also have to take care of myself, and…the line’s just not obvious at all, indulging your own selfish wants looks exactly like taking care of your own needs.