Been through alot!

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CraigG

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Hello,
I have a question. When I was a young child, I was exposed to alot of things by the pentecostal religion. Being as young as I was I didn’t have control over what I was exposed too. It all started out with this kid, who I felt sorry for and took under my wing so to speak. I will also say this, I was born a catholic, received the sacrament of baptism, the eucharist and confirmation. I attended catholic school up to grade 8.
Now, the kid who I accepted as a friend, came from a pentecostal religion, fanatical I might add, However I didn’t realize this when I was a kid too. I did have questions of doubt but had no one to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. This so called friends father was a pentecostal minister. His mother was also very deeply into it. At times when I was there at their house playing my guitar and learning songs, his mother would come in and tell us that we should be playing her kind of music to praise the lord.
Being a kid that I was I always tried to get along with adults and respect what they said. I would sit and be bored to death however I played along with her on the guitar as much as I could.
I didn’t have a home life that was pleasant either. My mother was very cruel to me as a child. I know alot of the time I felt uncomfortable being around his parents, they’d say things that I didn’t understand. I felt less than, and thought I had done something wrong.
Anyway, I am now 49 and still have a drug addiction, mixed feelings, I am constantly asking myself what is wrong with me.
I am seeing a psychiatrist to deal with mood disorders. But deep in my heart I know I can do better.
I believe I have dealt with mind control issues at the hands of fanatical religious zealots but I have a hard time overcoming these things.
Please help with any advice. I am getting very tired of living and being sad.
I must say I have come to realize that the catholic religion is one of the most human friendly and understanding faiths in the world.
I don’t believe in fanatical religions and I’m very angry that such religions even exact and have had such an impact on people.
Very Sincerely,
CraigG
 
Dear Craig,

My best advice is to pray to our Lord for His guidance. I never fully “got” the power of prayer until a few years ago. When I was praying for guidance during adoration, I would flip open the Bible or the Missal. Strangely, every single time it opened to a passage or song directly related to my request. This excited me and frightened me at the same time (He was actually listening!). Don’t be afraid to pray and listen for the answers.

Also, keep in counseling. They are trained professionals to lead you out of where you are - but you need to know where you want to be. Seek a goal - I know I will be okay when ___ and be specific with clarifiers (not just when I feel happy). Discuss this with your counselor. He/She will guide you in the correct direction.

Peace be with you.
 
I can sympathize with what you went through as a child with a pentecostal sect. My mother took us out of the Episcopal Church for the Assemblies of God. It was an extremely controlling group. They tried to make us feel guilty at every turn, to keep us in line. Nothing I ever said or did was good enough for them–that’s how abusive people treat others in order to keep them under their control. It sounds like your mother was like that, too, so it is no big surprise you would have been attracted to a friend living with controlling parents.

I suffered for years after getting out of the Assemblies of God with guilt feelings and depression and feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t fortunate enough to have a counselor. I had to work through it all alone, but I became Catholic and found the intercession of certain Saints to be of great help to me, along with being able to receive Jesus himself in the Eucharist. St. Dymphna was essential to my recovery. She too had a controlling parent–one who wanted her to marry him, no less. Also, St. Michael became my champion. You can count on both of these heavenly persons to aid you, and especially Our Lady. Pray the Rosary, it really will help. God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Hello,
Thank you so much for the response from my post. I have found them helpful and uplifting. I realize that I need to stay in touch with other catholics to stay level. I believe in prayer and have seen it work in my life. I also realize that staying in touch with counselling as kept me balanced too.
I know there is a God who is gentle, loving and understanding. I really wish he’d take control of this earth we live on. I see to many things wrong with this life. I know God would fix the wrong things in a heartbeat. Why doesn’t he? I still have been unable to secure God in my life. It seems that when I do it doesn’t last long enough to do any good. I feel as if I let God down and he’s not there for me when I really need him.
I will add that I also went through a terrible episode of very scary things. Someone put LSD in a can of ginger ale I was drinking and I didn’t know it was there. Well I must say I experienced very real powerful things that seemed good and then it turned to very scary. It took me along time to get over that. I still have some flashbacks but not as much as I use too. Alot of the negative things I experienced were a result of the ideas and thoughts that came from being around pentecostal/southern baptist type religions. While I was in high school there was a born again movement going around and friends of mine got involved with it for along time, however they are no longer attached to it now, years later. They kept bombarding me with their new found experiences and I was curious as to what it was all about. You see I didn’t have guidance from my parents in any way positive to help me with this at the time. I was all alone with it as a young person with no experience in life. I was afraid of my mother and scared of my father. I found them unapproachable at the time. It’s still difficult to deal with even now. Although I have come to realize that they won’t change and I have to accept it. My siblings have approached them as to why they did what they did to us as kids and they just deny it as if it never happened and don’t remember any of it.
When I was very down and out the born again folks did nothing to comfort me. In fact they made it worse with their shunning me like I was a demon of the worst kind. I only found comfort in talking to a catholic priest in Pembroke, Ontario back when I was on the road with no home, or support from my family. They (my family)didn’t understand what was happening to me either. My gosh it was such a long lonely road to travel being mixed up and confused. It seemed I couldn’t be the person I was born to be. I felt I had to change according to what they, the fanatics were telling me.
Yes, my mother was very controlling and that didn’t help. I can’t even repeat the terrible things she said to me as a child. It just hurts too much to openly tell what she did and said. I spent most of my time as a child protecting myself, avoiding her and finding ways to hide what she did to us as children. I was ashamed of her and her behaviour. I didn’t let anyone know what was going on. It has only been lately that I have been able to openly talk about it with my companion. I do speak with my siblings but not enough. They confirm that we were abused. I was also sexually abused as a child by people close to the family. Not by adults but teenagers older than me at the time. I have been unable to approach them as to why they did what they did. I don’t want to upset there life now. Why were they so attracted to me? Why did I let it happen? I was afraid of them for along time. Yes they did threaten me with things that scared me into remaining silent.

I’m still not sure why our family stopped going to catholic church when I was young. Although my parents are now divorced, my dad has recommended that I return to attending church/mass again. I found it a bit odd that he would say that. He didn’t comfort me in my time of need when I was going through the bad times. He was also, as I remember, treating me as if I was a leeper. I believe he was afraid and didn’t know what to do or say.
In fact I lost a younger brother to drug abuse. He was addicted to heroin and died at the age of 38. I miss him terribly and I hope he is with God now. I know he suffered unbearably with his addiction.

Thank you again to all who read this and send there helpful advise.
Very Sincerely,
CraigG
 
I’ll keep you in my prayers CraigG. I can relate to many of your feelings. Your experiences were much more harsh than what I went through. I also had to deal with it mainly alone. I went through a depresioon when I was 16, maybe it was due to hormones or whatever. I told my mom how I was feeling and that I had thoughts of death (not of suicide though), but she just basically scolded me. I had two friends at that time who I finally confided my feelings and they helped me.
I had abuse in my home as well, but even though it hurts me, I wouldn’t change it. Mainly because I, as well as my brothers, have learned what not be in life. Fortunately we have been able to avoid drugs, gangs, etc. I hope you overcome your problems. It’ll hurts a lot when we think about them, but hopefully we can get through them and come out as stronger people and closer to God. I’ll pray for you.
 
Dear Blue Rain,
Thank you for your support. I hope all is well with you.
Our experiences make us wiser and better people.
I and my siblings also feel that we have broken the cycle that held us captive for so long.
All the best,
CraigG
 
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