Beginning a Divorce

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I certainly don’t fault her for any feelings she has about my past behavior. We’ve both hurt each other, we’ve both done things to cause loss of trust. One of my biggest issues during that period is that she could never say my going back to the Church had any positive effects. It would be like if you had some personal bias against therapists and, even if someone you knew was being legitimately helped by one, you could never conceive that the therapy was working (if that makes sense).
 
RKS89 said:
I certainly don’t fault her for any feelings she has about my past behavior. We’ve both hurt each other, we’ve both done things to cause loss of trust. One of my biggest issues during that period is that she could never say my going back to the Church had any positive effects. It would be like if you had some personal bias against therapists and, even if someone you knew was being legitimately helped by one, you could never conceive that the therapy was working (if that makes sense).
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I suspect your example with therapists is fairly common in real life.

A lot of people are suspicious of mental health professionals.
 
The thing is, if you argue about parental decisions now, you are going to have a really hard time when you are divorced and have virtually no control over what the other person does. Then new spouses, step children, and half siblings come into the picture and it turns out you have pretty much no control over what your own children are exposed to. Whether you ultimately get divorced or not, it is in your children’s best interest for you to be on the same page regarding your parenting. If you approach it from that point, your wife might very well agree to family counselling. You need a parenting plan and you both need to adhere to it.
 
I agree, I was in that boat personally until I realized I’d been depressed for a good stretch of time. It’s never easy to admit you have problems, let alone confide in a stranger.
 
That’s something that really bothers me in the event we do get divorced. Some of the things my wife has said and done when it comes to the kids has really made me question if she will make the best decisions for them. I know she believes her desires for them are the best and well-intentioned, but I’ve grown more concerned over the last couple years that her personal views could negatively affect my children in the long run, and that’s a difficult pill yo swallow in the even our marriage ends.
 
Coparenting while divorced is even hard than coparenting in a marriage. This is something that you can’t screw up, especially as the kid get into their teen years. And unless your wife’s parenting views rise to the level of abuse, you aren’t going to have much luck trying to go through the courts. I don’t think anyone ever completely divorces their spouse when they have young kids. I think when people throw around the phrase “staying together for the kids” they envision the idea that married people put up with each other so as not to make the little darlings sad. The fact is that once you split up custody, you are essentially giving up the right to parent your own children during the time they are with the other spouse. You have no say on the rules they will follow, how they will spend their time, who they will spend their time with, whether they go to church, whether they go to school, what they eat, or anything else. And then if the spouse gets remarried, you have someone else in the picture who is caring for your children, even if you wouldn’t trust them to water your plants. You better make sure that your wife is someone you can bargain with in good faith before you file for anything and she should do the same!
 
Unfortunately I have very little say as it stands, so I’m not at all optimistic for a post-divorce situation. I’m hoping counseling might at least open her eyes a little to how unmanageable she makes raising our children and making decisions for the family. Generally she feels if we disagree or that she is right she no longer needs to listen to me whatsoever.
 
Thank you, I think retrouvaille would be a great idea and is very doable as we’re only about 1.5 hrs north of Detroit. I think we’ve both agreed to counseling from different sources (we’ll be seeing my therapist together, and I said we should also meet with her pastor). I think, regardless of what happens, therapy and something like retrouvaille would at least help diffuse some of our big issues and either save the marriage or make a divorce more amicable.
 
Not sure how this will be taken around here…

I would ask her more about her religious beliefs, what churches she thinks most aligns to those and for what reasons? Is she ok with ‘once saved always saved’? A church that has a loose policy for abortions of conveniences, confession versus a church where attendees regularly go up front to give ‘testimony’, etc. Don’t be too hard on her about anything, ask politely, maybe probe a little and let her and you think about it for a while(days). Pray the whole time of course and encourage her to. Tell her you are open to visiting other churches and learning about their beliefs and what makes them different, even ones neither of you have an interest in; Presbyterian, Eastern Orthodox, Trad Mass, mostly normal ones that, at least at one time, you would have considered attending anyways.

Worse thing, she goes along with it and yall can maybe have things to discuss and even get along for a few more months.
 
She really likes her church, and really dislikes the Catholic church. She’s talked about going to a Presbyterian church before, but it would honestly take an act of God for her to start considering somewhere else. Really my issue isn’t her converting or not converting, it’s that she just doesn’t want to look into what I believe at all. Her pastor is pretty anti-Catholic also so I’m not sure what sort of advice he may be giving her.
 
Absolutely do Retrovaille - if you must divorce, know that you tried everything first. Your divorce will greatly affect your kids. #experiencetalking
 
um.
  1. Is this her family’s church? Why does she like it; the fellowship, liturgy/music?
  2. What does she know about the beliefs of Baptist, does she agree? Maybe get on their website and see what actual congregation is it apart of.
  3. If you do not mind sharing, what, specifically, issues are yall having? what church to raise the kids in?
 
This is her church that her parents just started attending. Her pastor was a favorite teacher at her school, she likes the people and the fellowship.

She was raised Baptist, she’s been reading some more theology and starting to get a handle on the Calvinist roots she was raised with. For a long time her version of theology has been “I don’t think this/that” or “I feel” statements.

We have communication issues, mostly. And she basically refuses to be fair to the Church, but that’s got a lot to do with her background and upbringing. I’m not forcing anyone in my family to convert, my older kids go to Mass with me occasionally. But when it comes to some things, like what they call a “dedication” vs a baptism we disagree big time. She doesn’t have a very healthy view of God but that’s slowly changing as she reads theology.
 
I really can’t imagine ANY pastor advocating for a divorce. You might need to have a little faith that the “other” pastor might have the best interest of your marriage in mind.

My husband was Baptist (for 26 years) in our marriage and I really didn’t see much anti-catholic talk. Our kids even went to the Baptist VBS programs…and were all raised Catholic.

Prayers for your family.

Did you ever try a retreat on your own?
 
Right, I know her pastor and any priest I speak to would not advocate divorce, at least in our situation. I’m actually the one who wants us both to sit down with her pastor to talk. We had our first meeting together with my therapist last night which went alright.

I’m looking at a retreat for Lent I think would be good. And we’re still discussing retrouvaille, it’s just difficult because my wife is a very private person and thinks everyone should be able to deal with their problems on their own. And with her control issues she’s not comfortable with something that isn’t her idea, usually.
 
You might want to review the whole privacy thing with your wife. Catholic priests are the absolutely best at keeping things private and I am sure the retreat will also uphold privacy standards.

I am happy you are both willing to work on your marriage.
 
Retrouvaille will be just the thing. It is a method of teaching couples how to communicate with each other, so they CAN work things out on their own.
 
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