Being a Phoney because you need Something from Someone?

  • Thread starter Thread starter WhiteDove
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
W

WhiteDove

Guest
I can’t stand being a phoney, it’s not me. I’m annoyed with myself, but then again, I need to survive and I need a support system.

There is a woman whom I befriended, who is babysitting my daughters a couple of evenings a month. She’s a SAM (stay at home mom) and my girls ( 9 and almost 11) like her and her family. Her husband is really nice too. I work 5 evenings a month as a nurse at a hospital and 6 nightshifts. So, this lady watches them after school, and brings them up to my house to put them to bed, then my adult son gets home shortly thereafter. It’s a great help to me. My husband is dead.

The only thing is, I’ve found that this woman gets on my nerves. She’s a little negative about some other people we know, kind of on the hyper side, and has more desire and time for visiting than I because she’s a SAM. So, I find myself being a phoney in order to give her the illusion that we have a friendship, in order that she keeps babysitting my girls.

For instance, she babysat last night, so I called her this morning to chat a little, just to get it over with, so she feels that she’s my friend. Ugh, I’m such a phoney. But, I need a support network and her babysitting my girls is a very beneficial thing for us all.

Does anyone else out there resort to these tactics to get what they want??? :confused:
 
Remember that you don’t speak with her very often. That helps. As far as being annoyed with her, I can understand. A few years ago, there was a woman who lived in my building who was dying of cancer. She was bed ridden for some time before she died. I honestly believe that she wasn’t bed ridden in truth, that she used it to use others.

Anyway, she had a dog named Molly. Once she got sick, several of us offered to help with Molly. We finally got it worked out, and I was the one to take Molly on her last walk of the day. Even that little contact was almost too much for me. I have an anxiety disorder (among other things), and one evening I got there awfully wound up. A few days later, I said something about it, she replied that she had noticed and thought it was funny. Not something you want to be told in a situation like that.

Well, to cut it short. You can be a friend with her as things stand. Or you can, maybe, take her to lunch (or ask her over to your house for lunch) and let her know how you feel. If it’s that she is being negative about others, let her know that you don’t have time, or the energy, for that. Hopefully she’ll understand.
 
Not every relationship needs to be based in perfect harmony of character. Cast this in a more positive light: your calling to chat with her clearly fills a need that *she *has – a need to be valued, to know that she is valued. She needs you too! I presume you pay for her services. That’s part of the contract. An employer/employee relationship can be “friendly” without being a “friendship.” Is that phoney? It’s a contract.
 
So, it’s okay for me to do some phoney PR with her in order to keep her babysitting my girls? Yes, I pay her, but she’s not in the business of babysitting, but does it for me 'cause she likes me and likes my girls. But, I’ve decided that I really don’t want to spend time having coffee with her and hearing her negative gossip about other women whom she resents.

She’s a nice gal, got good values, and is someone my girls think is nice. But, I feel like I’m being a bit dishonest with her, and stringing her along…
 
…better idea… when you get home, turn on some of your favorite music, try some…

http://www.thedrinkshop.com/images/products/main/1076/1076.jpg

and dream of better things…

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

…second thought…
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
…this one kept me out of trouble… boo baby:thumbsup:
 
40.png
WhiteDove:
So, it’s okay for me to do some phoney PR with her in order to keep her babysitting my girls? Yes, I pay her, but she’s not in the business of babysitting, but does it for me 'cause she likes me and likes my girls. But, I’ve decided that I really don’t want to spend time having coffee with her and hearing her negative gossip about other women whom she resents.

She’s a nice gal, got good values, and is someone my girls think is nice. But, I feel like I’m being a bit dishonest with her, and stringing her along…
Click to expand...
I agree that it must fill a need for her. If it seems you are ministering to her, just consider that part of the cost of doing business with her. If you don’t have the time to give her every time you need her to babysit, then you’ll have to cut it short.

As far as the negative gossip, one way to address it is to offer to speak to whatever person is the subject. If it’s someone I know, I’ll say, “gee, that’s funny, I wouldn’t expect that from Jerry. I think I’ll mention it to him next time we talk and see what he has to say for himself.” Suddenly they get the deer-in-the-headlight stare, wondering what they have just wrought by telling you their gossip. Then, I might say, “oh, if you’d prefer I’ll not let him know you mentioned that.”

Alan
 
I had a friend just like her too. I did the same thing, keep quiet while she gossips, I never told her anything about others but did confide in something personal about myself and I was sorry. I found out from a mutual friend she gossips about me behind my back too. She told her what I thought I told a trusted friend and it hurt. If you truly need her for babysitting keep it professional and polite. But also tell your kids not to listen to any gossip they may hear. Children hear everything trust me.
 
Thanks for all the good advise. I think I’ll practise subtley encouraging her to avoid discussing the same people over and over again. I’ll consider my interaction with her part of a good bargain for me, and probably for her too. I’ll keep our friendship friendly, but not too chummy. I’ll continue to give her what she needs without giving her too much. I’ll avoid disclosing anything too confidential regarding myself.

How does that sound? 🙂
 
40.png
WhiteDove:
How does that sound? 🙂
Click to expand...
Sounds like a plan. If you would, let us know how it goes and we can all chime in and help brainstorm if any tweaks are needed.
 
Dove:

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You have a “business” relationship with this woman to which your socializing is incidental. She derives monetary as well as social benefit from you.

You obviously have a greater interest in cultivating a personal connection with her than you would with say your dry cleaner or garbage man because of the nature of what she is doing for you. To spend some time doing so and then discover she’s not best friend material doesn’t transform your chit-chat into devious manipulation. It’s harmless, if not beneficial, social lubrication. It provides her with a social outlet, probably assures your girls some extra kindness, attention and patience and makes you feel better about your use of her assistance and availability. Continue by all means to be kind and friendly and recognize her annoying gossip about others for the venting it probably is. That she opens up shows she respects and trusts you in addition to enjoying your company…all in all not a bad message.
 
Hey Island Oak!
That was very well put and makes it all make sense. Thanks! 🙂
 
Dove,

You have the opportunity to be a changing force in her life. I too was burned by the gossip, so be careful, but then again, at that point in my life, I may have been (probably was) just as guilty of talking about others in less then charitable ways. This is where a good friend comes in. You let her know with as much Charity as you can muster, that you’re not really into hearing the gossip. At the same time you model the kind of conversations you are comfortable having.

Who knows, perhaps over time you’ll find that she’s capable of growing into someone worthy of a friendship.

In the meantime, continue being charitable.

CARose
 
40.png
WhiteDove:
She’s a little negative about some other people we know, kind of on the hyper side, and has more desire and time for visiting than I because she’s a SAM. So,
Click to expand...
I make the same sort of assumptions myself–not about stay at home moms (SAMS) but others. Especially while posting in a forum.

If you see me do it (which I will), please remind me, as I just did you, not to do it.

🙂
 
we’re called to love people, not like them. your conversations might be a big help to her. maybe, as another poster said, she’s just venting. perhaps she doesn’t even know gossiping is bad, and the only person she’ll get to hear it from is you. without getting too chummy, both of you may benefit greatly from each other!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top