Being an example to our children

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Logan

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I have a question on being an example to my daughter. My wife and I (all practicing Catholics) have an eleven year old daughter. My wife has a sister who is a fallen away Baptist - she has a daughter too who is 10. Our daughters are close and spend the night at each others houses. The problem is that my sister-in-law will be having her boyfriend moving in to live with her on May 1st. I am not comfortable with our daughter spending the night there anymore because of the lifestyle that they lead (I’m not trying to be holier than thou, because I know I am not). My wife thinks that if we explain the situation to our daughter it will be okay and she doesn’t want cause friction in the relationship with her sister. I’m more concerned about the salvation of the family and everyone else involved. What is your opinion on this? Thanks, God bless.
 
I think your wife is wrong.

First, exactly *how *and *what *would she “explain” to your eleven year old?

No matter how much talking we do, it’s our actions that children will emulate. I also think that tacitly condoning cohabitation to avoid “friction” is shortsighted and cowardly. I think you need to have a sit-down talk with your SIL and discuss the situation and the poor example she is setting for both girls.

Also, from a purely protective-parent position, I would not allow my female child to overnight in *any *household with a live-in boyfriend… the statistics on sexual abuse of young girls by “live in” boyfriends is astronomical and I wouldn’t take the chance.
 
1ke said:
I think your wife is wrong.

I think you need to have a sit-down talk with your SIL and discuss the situation and the poor example she is setting for both girls.
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I don’t think she would care.
 
When I was younger I wasn’t allowed to spend the night at my best friends house when her dad’s girlfriend would come over. Even if I had planned on staying and she popped over and decided to stay I’d have to call my dad and he’d drive 30 minutes to pick me up. I always admired my parents for sticking up for their beliefs.
I DO live with my fiance now anyway, but we are living a different lifestyle than my friends family was.
 
Logan said:
IThe problem is that my sister-in-law will be having her boyfriend moving in to live with her on May 1st.
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I’ve read that live-in boyfriends are a real threat to children, in terms of abuse.

You are right to not let your daughter spend the night. Guess the sleepovers are all at your house now.

I think you could tell the sister why, not in a holier than thou way, but just as a fact of why you are doing what you are doing.
 
I wouldn’t let my daughter stay over there anymore, either. It’s a really, really bad example, and implies your support of SIL’s arrangement. Your niece should do all the sleeping over at your house now. Of course, this should be explained to both your daughter, and your SIL. It can be done very nicely. Something like, “We love you, but we cannot condone cohabitation and don’t want our daughter to think that it’s OK. You all are welcome over at our house anytime.”
 
My sister-in-law and he have been dating for over a year, I have only seen him once and that was in Wal-Mart. My wife has only seen him 3 times, she doesn’t bring him around much and we all live in the same town, my in-laws aren’t happy about this situation either. He also has a record (police), for domestic violence and a child endangering charge that was dropped.

I’m not trying to judge him or put him down, but this worries me and like I said I’m concerned about everyone involved. We wouldn’t be able to sit down with the sister-in-law because she wouldn’t want to hear it. My wife and other family members are afraid also to push this because they fear if “holier than thou” (since some of us have a past that also wasn’t very pure) type of people try to push their morals on her it will drive her further away from God.
 
Gosh, that is a tough call that a lot of people face today! I’m sure you’ll get a lot of different opinions. It’s really hard in this day and age!
 
1.) You are not wrong.
2.) This guy has a record, and he is only moving in with the SIL??? No way would my daughter spend the night there!!!
3.) If it was me, and it is not, I would first put my foot down about the overnights at Auntie’s, that until the new BF proves himself AND marries Auntie, no more sleepovers at their house. This probably means you should welcome your niece a lot more for sleepovers. I do not think you have to discuss it with your SIL, as I don’t think she is going to change her mind. If you wife wants to broach the subject with her, fine. Otherwise, I think a “no thank you” or “Sorry, no you can’t” is sufficient. If your SIL does decide to take it up with you, tell her as plainly but without rancor as possible.
 
I suspect that I am way more liberal that most of the posters on here about matters such as this, BUT…

A live-in boyfriend with a record of domestic abuse???:eek:

NO WAY!!!
 
This isn’t an issue of sin to me at this point. Domestic violence?

RESOUNDING NO NO NO NO NO!!!

This happened to members of my own family! It’s not pretty!!

My mother wouldn’t even let us stay after school unless she was absolutely sure we had something going on. Smart lady! The one day I stayed after and didn’t was the day I nearly got into a very hair raising situation!

If I had a daughter, the answer would be ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! And I’d fear for the niece and invite her to stay at my house as OFTEN AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
 
Logan said:
My sister-in-law and he have been dating for over a year, I have only seen him once and that was in Wal-Mart. My wife has only seen him 3 times, she doesn’t bring him around much and we all live in the same town, my in-laws aren’t happy about this situation either. He also has a record (police), for domestic violence and a child endangering charge that was dropped.
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RED FLAG!! Dropped or not. Put your foot down!
There is no way that you should even imply to your daughter that their living situation is Ok and by letting your daughter stay over that is exactly what you are doing. I’m sorry to say but your wife is wrong. Not to mention that he has issues with violence.
 
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