Being critical and complaining - how to stop it?

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KatarinaTherese

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For the last few months, especially, I’ve been being a very critical person. Mostly it’s with my family, and most definitely my parents. It’s definitely a problem. My mom will ask me to help, and I’ll automatically complain. It’ll be at a bad time, or I’ve got something going on, or my brother never helps… anything that pops into my head. But the thing of it is, I don’t just make things up. I really do mean it at the time, and so I’m having a hard time stopping. I look at myself afterwards, and the issue doesn’t seem important anymore anyway, but while it’s happening I just don’t think.

The same thing with being critical. Again, it’s mostly with my parents, but I can get pretty critical of my siblings, too. When I’m at home, I’ll get upset and make some quick, sharp comment. You’d think I would appreciate criticism from my parents on this issue, but I get mad when they confront me about this. I don’t know why. Later, when I’m by myself, I see their points, though.

So, can anyone help me? It’s odd, this is almost addicting… it just gets worse and worse. 😦
 
when i started to spend a daily hour in front of my Church’s tabernacle, i found, in a very short period of time, that i (who had always been exactly as you describe) was a lot more patient with ppl and alot more willing to help and do things i would NEVER have volunteered to do before (dishes- yeck! haha. imagine my suprise at myself when i found myself doing 'em without every being asked!). maybe just deepening your prayer life in whatever way you need to will help- the grace will carry over, ya know? daily mass, if you don’t already go and are able, would be best.

also, apologizing when you lose your patience, even if it seems trivial and makes you feel foolish for bothering. it will make you more aware each time you have to do it, i think. and, at least for me, it would be a real dissentive to continuing to behave like that. or maybe do something extra for the person, even (and especially) if it is an inconvenience for you? you obviously have a devotion to st. therese, so you can imitate her- get into the habit of self-sacrifice and self-forgetfullness in little ways like this.
 
Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. Studies show than increasingly, people in this age get less sleep that 20 or 30 years ago. This affects one’s mood. 50 years ago the average person got much more sleep.

Make sure that you are eating a proper diet. Statistics show that your average person these days eats a diet higher and sugar and fat than even 20 years ago. When one consumes too much sugar, in leads to wider deviations in serum blood sugar. The body pumps out a bunch of insulin, then the blood sugar plummets. One of the cardinal symptoms of low blood sugar is irritability.

Make sure you are getting enough exersise. The average person today is much more sedentary than in previous years. This affects hormones levels in the body that affect mood.

These are my three practical tips to help you have a more positive attitude, in addition to prayer.
 
Since this is for YOUR EDIFICATION, Fr. Fessio won’t mind if I tell this one - Esp. as he’s probably told it on himself only about 1,000 times…

Fr. Fessio used to love to run. In fact, the man used to regularly run 5 K (he was pretty fast) and finished the “Bay to Breakers” whenever he ran in it. He used to have a set of gym clothes (including shoes) stashed in his secretary’s desk (they were his extra set, and she knew they were for “emergencies”).

Whenever his schedule kept him from his daily 5K, Fr. Fessio would get IRRITABLE after he missed 2 days (which was about once a month). At that point, usually in the early afternoon, the secretary would usually declare an “emergency” and throw the gym clothes at a startled Fr. Fessio as she closed the door saying, “See you in about an hour!”

Fr. Fessio knew that was the ONE TIME he had to obey his secretary - He was always dressed and gone within 15 min., and he would usually arrive back at the office about an hour after he took off, having showered at Gelson Hall and then walked back across Campus to the office.

His irritability was almost always gone by the time he hit the showers.

Write down when you go to sleep and when you wake you. Write down what you eat and when you eat it. Write down what you do for exercise and when you do it.

Write down what you complain about and when you complain - oftentimes teenagers and young adults try to express independence in their complaints.

Get yourself into confession - at least once a mnth for a while, and talk about this with a priest - don’t let him dismiss this - It could be a symptom of a real issue.

Get a spiritual director or sponsor and talk to him or her about it - I suggest of the same sex as you, that’ll be one less variable to confound the issue.

Go to daily mass, at least for a while. Ask for the Sacrament of un ction to heal the psychlogical pain that’s causing you to snap at people.

Is any part of your body hurting that you’re either treating or trying to “tough out”… I know my pain can sometimes make me pretty testy (lower spine gone very bad along with an arthritic hip).

Take Care.

In Christ, Michael
 
Dear friend

Simply ask Jesus for the grace to not complain if it’s His will.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
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KatarinaTherese:
For the last few months, especially, I’ve been being a very critical person. Mostly it’s with my family, and most definitely my parents. It’s definitely a problem.
…

So, can anyone help me? It’s odd, this is almost addicting… it just gets worse and worse. 😦
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you must have a very strong conscience and be very perceptive to see this, which means you are long on the way to solving it. definitely get guidance in confession about it. I had a little booklet a few years ago called The Angry Christian which dealt with this attitude, the author may have been Bert Ghazzi. I probably got it at the Franciscan U bookstore. If I find it I will post more info. It helped me immensely with an almost identical problem.

one observation I offer. I tell my volunteers that when a parent another volunteer becomes hyper-critical (rather than helpful criticism offered in kindness or legitimate questions), when they overreact and really lost it and start making accusations and get in your face, it almost always means they feel guilty about something, and they know the underlying problem is really their fault. A parent keeps their child home from CCD then yells at you because he does not pass a test or know the material. A parent is not attending the sacramental meetings, then gets offended because Father suggests the child may not be ready for first confession. Another volunteer comes in late and is angry because you took over her unattended class and deviated from her lesson plan.

I offer this only because it often pertains to me: if you find yourself instantly criticising someone, especially in a context where they are trying to help you, is there an underlying guilt or conflict inside yourself about an obligation you are not meeting? Is the criticism a smokescreen for anger about something totally unrelated that requires healing and reconciliation?

sometimes when I fall into this mode it is because of chronic pain, and a signal I have to deal with an underlying health issue. Other times, the conflict is at work, and I can’t react there, so I take it out on my family.
 
Thank you all for your help. I’d like to reply to you all right now, but I don’t really have time (paper due tommorrow… :whistle: )

You know what’s interesting? I think admitting the problem has helped me a lot… I haven’t felt like complaining all day! Maybe it’s just a good day or something, but I think this really helped.
 
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KatarinaTherese:
Thank you all for your help. I’d like to reply to you all right now, but I don’t really have time (paper due tommorrow… :whistle: )

You know what’s interesting? I think admitting the problem has helped me a lot… I haven’t felt like complaining all day! Maybe it’s just a good day or something, but I think this really helped.
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KatarinaTherese’

I’m glad to hear that.

Don’t worry about replying to us right now - That will hold until the paper is finished (unless the paper starts driving you out of your skull, then you can take a break and write ONE reply each time and then right back to the paper).

Just remember to take some time out to pray read some Scripture and to see if you can make Daily Mass (Confession is a good idea for Friday or Saturday night).

Remember to set your alarm so you get at least 4-1/2 hours sleep tonight, even if the paper’s not finished.

Goodnight and God Bless.

In Christ, Michael
 
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KatarinaTherese:
For the last few months, especially, I’ve been being a very critical person. Mostly it’s with my family, and most definitely I don’t know why. Later, when I’m by myself, I see their points, though.

Edited in he interest of word count

So, can anyone help me? It’s odd, this is almost addicting… it just gets worse and worse. 😦
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Hi there Katarina…you may be interested and find helpful the thread I have started on Anger in this Forum:) . Link as follows:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=87807

Barb
 
Many very good suggestions here. I would add putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it when you “go there”. The little sting will remind you of what you are doing, and to “offer it up”, get a fresher, more forgiving perspective, and humbly remember who suffered and died on your behalf.

I too, have this same problem, more lately than usual. I think the short days make me testy. Lots of sleep helps, as does prayer, and staying busy in productive activities. Sometimes, I just need to stay away from folk when all I can do is fault find.

best to you,

cheddar
 
One other thing, besides all the great help you have already got here, when you start to feel like you are going to say something unkind, just start praying instead. My mother suggested saying Hail Mary’s when I was younger and use to complain a lot. It happened a lot when I was a teen-ager. She called it growing pains and said–“Just pray.” It still works today! 👍 Often I have found myself saying-“Oh dear Jesus help me now please!” or : “Dear God in heaven, I need you.” and/or “Come Holy Spirit, help me, lead me, guide me.” Then I just start praying Hail Mary’s until I am no longer feeling mean and or spiteful. (some days are better than others.) I will say a prayer for you too. 🙂
 
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little_flower:
also, apologizing when you lose your patience, even if it seems trivial and makes you feel foolish for bothering. it will make you more aware each time you have to do it, i think. and, at least for me, it would be a real dissentive to continuing to behave like that. or maybe do something extra for the person, even (and especially) if it is an inconvenience for you? you obviously have a devotion to st. therese, so you can imitate her- get into the habit of self-sacrifice and self-forgetfullness in little ways like this.
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Yes, this is one of the reasons I get so frustrated with myself! I love St. Therese, but I’m having a horrible time trying to be charitable to others. I’m pretty bad at it. 😦
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puzzleannie:
Is the criticism a smokescreen for anger about something totally unrelated that requires healing and reconciliation?
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It may be because of some issues I’ve had with being homeschooled and wanting to go to a certain Catholic high school that didn’t accept me. Granted, I’m able to reapply and I did so (and I’m currently waiting to see), but I still have been pretty upset and angry about it. Not so much now, and I can’t blame my attitude on it… but I definitely know that it has something to do with it. I am dealing with it better these days, but I’m sort of afraid that if I don’t end up being accepted it will just get bad again.
Traditional Ang:
Remember to set your alarm so you get at least 4-1/2 hours sleep tonight, even if the paper’s not finished.
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Gosh, only 4 1/2? I don’t think I would do well on that. :o I have been getting less sleep lately, with the retreat and all (at least 5, though).

I don’t really have time to reply to everyone, but I do want to thank you all very very much. This weekend I went to confession and got some advice (and absolution :cool: ), but I’m definitely still dealing with this.
 
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KatarinaTherese:
Oh, I forgot to say, I tried this link but it wouldn’t let me access it. I don’t know why…
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Hi there KatarinaTherese…Barb online.

Unfortunately I posted the whole article and the moderator rightly took me to task and closed the thread. But here is the link to the website and the article in question:

guidetopsychology.com/anger.htm

Incidentally St. Therese is my patron saint…once one tries to live her Little Way one discovers that it is not an easy way at all. Perseverance and in the face of failure, which has a very positive side to it (failure) in that it humbles*** will bring a level of success. God’s Grace will not be lacking.
I will start a new thread in this Forum (Spirituality) on anger as soon as I finish this post to you and quote the above site - there may be interest in the subject.
Incidentally, I really like your signature!

Regards KatarinaTherese - Barb
*** St. Teresa of Avila wrote that humility “will win The King every time” and humility brings spirituality into perspective as it were.
 
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springbreeze:
Dear friend

Simply ask Jesus for the grace to not complain if it’s His will.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
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Wow.

springbreeze, some day I may ask you to teach me how to disguise a simple message with lots of excess words! :bowdown:

Then again, I’m not sure if you can teach me anything! :whacky:

Seems like I’m saying “wow” a lot today. I must be late for something… :rolleyes:

Alan
 
Quoting Alan…
springbreeze, some day I may ask you to teach me how to disguise a simple message with lots of excess words! :bowdown:
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…agree Alan…in that Teresa (Springbreeze) has summarized what applies in every situation … and concisely and simply…gone to the heart of matters.

Quoting Springbreeze (Teresa)…
Simply ask Jesus for the grace to not complain if it’s His will.
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Regards, Barb
 
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KatarinaTherese:
For the last few months, especially, I’ve been being a very critical person. Mostly it’s with my family, and most definitely my parents. It’s definitely a problem. My mom will ask me to help, and I’ll automatically complain. It’ll be at a bad time, or I’ve got something going on, or my brother never helps… anything that pops into my head. But the thing of it is, I don’t just make things up. I really do mean it at the time, and so I’m having a hard time stopping. I look at myself afterwards, and the issue doesn’t seem important anymore anyway, but while it’s happening I just don’t think.

The same thing with being critical. Again, it’s mostly with my parents, but I can get pretty critical of my siblings, too. When I’m at home, I’ll get upset and make some quick, sharp comment. You’d think I would appreciate criticism from my parents on this issue, but I get mad when they confront me about this. I don’t know why. Later, when I’m by myself, I see their points, though.

So, can anyone help me? It’s odd, this is almost addicting… it just gets worse and worse. 😦
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Making a practice of being grateful for everything - however small; if not so people know, then so God knows.​

ISTM that our problems with being critical come in large part from not appreciating that we don’t realise how entirely we depend on God for everything - for if we did realise this, I think we would appreciate others much more. We would not take others for granted - so we would be less upset to find that their lives don’t always revolve around our comfort & convenience. 🙂

Being able to stop taking oneself seriously should help: if we realise just how ridiculous it is to expect the world to revolve around us, and how senseless it would be if it were not centred on the Will of God instead, I think we would be far happier: because we would not be thinking of what suits us. ##
 
Gottle of Geer said:
## Making a practice of being grateful for everything - however small; if not so people know, then so God knows.

ISTM that our problems with being critical come in large part from not appreciating that we don’t realise how entirely we depend on God for everything - for if we did realise this, I think we would appreciate others much more. We would not take others for granted - so we would be less upset to find that their lives don’t always revolve around our comfort & convenience. 🙂

Being able to stop taking oneself seriously should help: if we realise just how ridiculous it is to expect the world to revolve around us, and how senseless it would be if it were not centred on the Will of God instead, I think we would be far happier: because we would not be thinking of what suits us. ##
Click to expand...

Excellent Post Michael to my mind!

Regards Barb
 
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