Being isolated as a result of one's past

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PaladinAngel

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Hey everybody. I’ve got quite a bit of a situation on my hands and I’d like some solid advice/support/prayers.

So basically I had made some really stupid and scandalous mistakes in my time in high school. Now I’m a cradle Catholic and all but I got in with a bad group when I was in my Catholic high school. Without getting super into the details, there were couple of videos of me taken without my consent making some super racist, sexually suggestive, and not okay comments that I nearly got kicked out of school for and got bullied ceaselessly over. So even though I have long since repented for those sins, I’m still reaping the consequences.

Not that I’m in college, one of my dusgruntaled former friend group decided to send that video to someone at my university’s newman club (whom I had mistakenly mentioned), which I was a new and very happy member of. So of course I had to sit down and talk to one of the priests more than once to discuss the situation. Even though I told the complete and total truth of the matter, he was fairly uncharitible toward me and told me flat to my face that I was lying and believed I sent these videos as a means of harassing this girl. Even though he did not explicitly tell me I was banned from there, there’s some obvious social stigma thar would prevent me from coming back when everyone else finds out. Not to mention I’m terrified of having legal action taken against me for a crime I did not commit considering I look astonishingly guilty to the outsider.

So now I’m just at a pretty low point in my life. Even though I have mended my ways and am doing my best to live the truth, I feel like God’s making my cross extra heavy. I lost my entire friend group from that club as a result of my past mistakes. I regularly run into people from there and I guess they don’t know yet but they will most certainly dislike me after hearing about that “I did”. It makes me so sad and lonely now. All I have are the Sacraments, prayer, the gym, and video games now. I don’t connect with anyone else from my school because I’m socially awkward and they all hold and preach super progressive values I don’t share.

Is it better for me to live solitarily? I feel like God’s trying to direct me somewhere through all of this but I don’t understand why he would have me pushed away from my fellow Catholics. I’m trying my hardest but I just feel trapped and judged by my past. At any point in my future this could ruin me again so I feel hopeless. So what am I supposed to do now that I have no friends, no girlfriend, or anyone besides my family to lean on?
 
PaladinAngel said:
Is it better for me to live solitarily?
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Definitely a tough situation, and I’ll keep you in my prayers. But no, I don’t think it’s better to live in solitary.

Saying that your friends will dislike you when they find out is somewhat presumptuous. Just because someone at the newman club (I’m unclear if it was the priest or someone else) was uncharitable doesn’t mean everybody will be.

Am I correct in saying that your big fear is that this story will be made public? If so, control the story. Don’t let the story control you. Reach out to some people you know from the newman club and talk to them 1-on-1 over coffee. Explain to them about what happened, that you feel awful, and that you could use some prayers and ask for advice. I think you’ll find that people (especially Christians) are more forgiving and understanding than you fear they will be.
 
someone said:
Am I correct in saying that your big fear is that this story will be made public? If so, control the story. Don’t let the story control you. Reach out to some people you know from the newman club and talk to them 1-on-1 over coffee. Explain to them about what happened, that you feel awful, and that you could use some prayers and ask for advice. I think you’ll find that people (especially Christians) are more forgiving and understanding than you fear they will be.
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This is brilliant advice. :+1:t4:

You may find there are others in your group who have also made mistakes that still haunt them.
 
First off, it is highly unfortunate that a member of your former friend group from high school sent that video to defame you. That is a very grave matter - pray for him/her.

It is also highly unfortunate that the priest does not believe you.

I do not think you should leave the club. This is perhaps an opportunity for humility. I think that you should be prepared to be completely frank with anyone in the club who finds out about this - you should admit your past faults and humbly describe how the Lord brought you back to Him and how you’ve repented of these sins and are seeking to live a holy life now.

Have you spoken/written to the girl to whom the video was sent? I think that you should make everything clear to her - with the utmost gentleness and humility. Explain how you made mistakes in the past and have repented of those and are now seeking to live a holy Christian life. Apologize for any upset this video has caused her. Plainly state that the video was sent by someone from your old friend group in high school, and that you are so sorry that she had to see such ugly behavior. Make sure not to talk badly about others - don’t trash the priest who didn’t believe you, don’t trash the high school friend. Most importantly, don’t make any excuses for yourself; own up to your past behavior, but make your repentance clear.

In the best case scenario, others in the club might not find out about this. Ideally, Catholics aren’t spreading gossip around (unless the video is just so horrendous that this girl thinks others are in danger and need to know). I would be prepared to give a similar account I described above to anyone who might ask you about it. (Or if someone is acting strangely around you, maybe you volunteer it? But that would be awkward if they actually didn’t know…)

As for the priest…hopefully through your good behavior going forward, he will come to realize that you were telling the truth. Strive to live a holy Christian life, frequent the Sacraments, etc. Not so that others will see, but so that you will have the grace necessary to demonstrate your commitment to Christ by the very example of your life.
 
First and foremost pray to God for help.
Secondly, most of us have said or done something stupid in over lives, especially when we were younger.
Third, we have to have a comprehensive conversation and dialogue in this country about race.
Much in the news lately, especially in Virginia, about politicians putting on black face makeup back when they were in college. That sort of stuff is not funny.
 
While you made a bad mistake, I agree that it was wrong for your disgruntled former friend to send the video to one of your new friends. Unfortunately, some people can’t move beyond high school. I guarantee that the vast majority of us have done or said things in high school that we are not proud of later, and unless we committed some crime requiring a prison term, we should all be permitted to just leave high school back in the past where it belongs. I would suggest that you perhaps cut all ties with former friends. If possible, also get off the Internet or only use a profile that is locked/hidden/restricted to new friends.

Having said that, it’s unfortunate that the priest you spoke to was not more helpful or understanding. Priests are human, they screw up, it sounds like this one may have screwed up. You did say “one of the priests” which sounds like there are other priests available. Is it possible for you to get an appointment to discuss this with a different priest? Not in a “wah, wahh, Father X was mean to me” complaining sort of way, but you should be able to explain that you are trying to move beyond your bad mistake, that you’ve been bullied and this latest is an extension of the bullying, and that now you are uncomfortable trying to make friends at the Newman Center because you feel your good faith is not being believed. Frankly, I’m a little concerned with a priest who tells some student in your situation he’s a liar when it would appear that priest barely knows you, you just got there.

I also agree with the suggestion to meet up with a couple friendly and understanding peers from the Newman Center and tell them what happened in your past. Be proactive about it, stress that you see that your past behavior is wrong and want a fresh start and to do better going forward.
 
I would just keep going to that Newman club if I were you. There is no way a priest would ban you unless you were actually harassing people there. Also, I would not assume that other people know and, even if they did find out, most would understand that everybody has done something regrettable in high school. In fact, your peers would probably understand better than the priest considering they were high schoolers not to long ago.
 
Here’s the thing with past mistakes- no matter how much time passes, no matter how far you get from them physically or spiritually, there will ALWAYS be someone there to bring it up or hold it against you. If you’ve repented you also need to make efforts to forgive yourself. Accept what you did, take responsibility for it where/when appropriate and put your best foot forward. Absolutely do not leave the club; your relationship with God is mended and you can rest easy with that knowledge. You cannot control or change what other people think of you, however actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Leaving the club is an action you could take, but it suggests you actually haven’t dealt with this matter entirely. Staying suggests you are either an arrogant, malicious person OR a changed one, and surely people will see which category you fall into.
We all make mistakes but the worst thing any of us can do is try to run from them, cover them up or try to explain them away. It may be a good idea to reach out to a few select members you feel you can trust. You do not and should not offer an explanation, maybe not even an apology; simply own your actions, state clearly that you understand the gravity of this but that you have certainly handled it and made things right to the best of your ability. That is all you can and ought to do, and some people will admire you for it and some may well still turn their nose up at you, and that is not a Christian attitude as I understand it. Do not let how you feel about yourself be dictated by those who will judge you so quickly and so harshly; your self-worth comes from God. You stated all you have is the Sacraments, prayer, the gym and video games- you are batting 100! You’re taking care of yourself spiritually and physically, you’re in college and have a hobby you enjoy (video games). Surround yourself with people who both support and challenge you in these areas and pay no mind to anyone who does not. I think if you can come to terms with not giving two hoots about what anyone thinks of you (especially if they do not know you all that well) this trial will forge some important relationships.

I should also add that the feeling toward isolation is most likely not coming from God. Remember the analogy in First Peter that the devil is like a hungry lion? If you watch lions (and most predators) hunt the first step is always isolating prey. Sometimes its easy because there’s an animal that has already been injured, maybe its sick, maybe its young, maybe its just not as fast as the rest of the heard. The Devil divides, he breaks down, he manipulates. He definitely wants you alone and feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t make his job any easier!
 
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Having read your post, I’m a bit confused about exactly what has happened. It seems that you are saying that when you were at high school somebody made videos of you making sexual and racist comments. It’s not clear how people came to find out about these videos. Were they posted online (e.g. Twitter, Facebook, YouTube) or shared over apps such as WhatsApp? What I’m more confused about is why and how somebody then sent one of these videos to the girl who is a member of the Newman Club. How did your former high school friend know that you had got to know this girl, and how did your former high school friend know how to contact her? Is your former high school friend a student at the same university as you and this girl? Or has he or she been monitoring your new friends through social media in order to identify somebody to contact for the purpose of sharing the video? What is even more unclear is why anybody believes that you would have sent the video (or videos) yourself to the girl as a means of harassing her. Surely anything sent to her by email or through WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. would include the sender’s name, email address, telephone number, etc., which would make it clear that you were no the sender, unless they are suggesting that you have created a fake account in somebody else’s name specifically for this purpose.

I am only asking because I feel that the account you have given us does not entirely make sense, and it’s hard to know what you should do if the series of events isn’t clear. If there’s clear evidence that you did not send the video yourself (because the girl can show the priest that the sender is somebody other than you) I do not see why the harassment allegation is being made at all. Even though you are in the videos, if you did not send them, you can hardly be accused of harassment. If your former high school friend is not at your university and has been using the internet to identify and contact your new friends that in itself would seem to me to be a form of harassment.

It’s also unclear just how serious the content of the videos is. If what you are talking about is no more than a lapse in good taste then it seems that your former friend is simply trying to cause trouble for you. On the other hand, if what you say on the videos goes far enough to be criminal or to suggest that you would actually harm a woman or a person from an ethnic minority, perhaps your former friend does not believe how much you have changed and thinks, however wrongly, that he or she has a responsibility to share the material with people.
 
Yesterday the priest said in the homily that social media is worse than the Spanish inquisition. At least there were a judge, defence advocate and prosecutor present and the accused was heard during the inquisition.
 
As someone who’s familiar with a lot of social media and seen what goes on, I can think of dozens of ways mechanically this might have happened. The priest is likely not Internet-savvy. The video itself may have been sent from an account that is not fully identifiable or traceable. If the OP is in USA, it’s not a simple matter to trace account ownership and would likely require court orders and such, also if no crime has been committed, as appears to be the case, law enforcement couldn’t care less.

OP likely presumed some member of his past disgruntled high school group did this. If he’s like most young people, he’s pretty open about his life online and likely has a person or two from high school on his social media and then word travels by word of mouth till some troublemaker acts. Alternatively, it might be crystal clear that OP didn’t send the video, but Father Luddite just doesn’t get it because he doesn’t use social media or was so upset with the content of the video he didn’t think straight.

I don’t think the OP needs to go through a whole discussion of the technical mechanics of everything that went down in order to share his story with us. It’s something that could definitely happen and there’s not much point in him lying to a forum full of strangers here about it.
 
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Sorry, I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that the OP was lying to us. Rather, I feared that we were not able to help him to the fullest of our ability because something about the story doesn’t quite add up. I don’t mean it doesn’t add up because he’s lying, just that I found the telling of it a bit unclear. I am young enough to know my way around Facebook, but I’m also old enough that I’ve never got into Twitter, SnapChat, Instagram, etc. You may be right that the priest is even older than I am and doesn’t know how any of it works. Also, of course, the OP may have hundreds of “friends” on social media, whereas I only have Facebook for about 50 people who I actually know and see in real life. So just to clarify, I didn’t think that we were being deliberately lied to, I just felt that the OP was being blamed for something he hadn’t done, i.e. he was being accused of harassing somebody because somebody else sent her a video that clearly had nothing to do with her as it had been made before she and the OP had even made each other’s acquaintance.
 
Not everyone will shut you out, especially if you come forward and tell the story first. Everyone makes mistakes and some can relate to your situation. But if the worst scenario happens, and you end up alone, temporarily, know that ‘whoever has God lacks nothing, God alone suffices’.
 
PaladinAngel said:
So what am I supposed to do now that I have no friends, no girlfriend, or anyone besides my family to lean on?
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You will be amazed at how God can redeem your life if you follow him. Own yourself, don’t run from who you are. Be honest with select others who have good pastoral sense.
The deeper the wound brother, the more powerful the healing. I can’t tell you how many times in my life God’s mercy has overwhelmed me in a way that made the past seem like a drop of water in the ocean.
 
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Side note:

If the Newman club really did want to press charges, claiming you were harassing this girl by sending her the video, the actual sender’s IP address could almost certainly be determined, unless your high school friend is REALLY tech savvy, which is unlikely.
 
My Prayers are with you.

Take this Cross as a gift from God and know that he wouldnt let anyone bear such a burden that they cant handle. Every time you pray you ask God, Our Lady, your special and powerful patrons to give you strength and patience through your adversity. Put all dependency in God. On your end while God is doing his thing you make sure you are conformed to his will, that means increase your prayer life, staying out of mortal sin and ofcoarse if you fall, receive the sacrament of penance, and the most important and difficult thing is pray for your enemy’s as our Lord did while hanging on the cross
 
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