Being my own person

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JustinK

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Hello, I have been having a little dilemma for awhile now and would appreciate some advice.

I’ve been living with my best friend for a year and a half. It started out well enough and remained good for some time. He has had some hardships with his family life, so I try to do what I can to help out. When bills started to come in, I told him to pay me back whenever. This continued until he owed around 1,000 dollars. This number was especially high since I paid the full room deposit including his half.

So, my family has been telling me that being assertive is different than being mean. I have talked to him about bills before. In fact, I struggled with it so much that I cried about it and he asked if it was worth crying over. I felt like he needed to see how much it effected me.

The issue comes in with the signing of another lease. Me, I feel like it’s time to move on. He has given me money here and there, but seems to have other priorities at times. He used to have his kids over all the time, which kind of got to me. But, he just has one staying with us at the moment. He sleeps in the living room making it so that it doesn’t feel like I can’t watch tv if I want to after work. He has brought up the option of him sleeping in his room so I can use the tv and such, but it just feels like it’s time to move on to explore other opportunities for myself. For instance, I’ve developed a friendship with a coworker who has expressed his interest in getting a roommate and he seems like a better option for the current situation.

The other issue is charity. I want to be charitable. I know he’s had it rough. My mom recognizes this, but she told me he’s taking advantage of me. I don’t want to feel like I’m tossing him or his kids out on the street. He’s my friend and I don’t want it to be about money. Now, it’s less about money than feeling like maybe it’s time for me to ‘get what I deserve’ whatever that means.

There’s plenty of recent things that I can relate to. The slave who owed a debt and the master showed kindness and mercy. One of the homilies was about Justice and Charity. How you can’t be two one-sided with it. How the world is not black and white all the time. But that’s me. I am very black and white with a lot of things. But I also flip-flop constantly. I overthink.
 
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I start to think, ‘Well… I could just ask him for the bigger room so that I can have more room (my room is tiny)… I could wake him up and ask if it’s alright to watch a movie… I could keep hounding him about money he has owed me for 8-9 months… it could be alright.’ But then it almost feels better to just leave it be. I’d rather not be having to constantly update what he owes me based on the bills. But I don’t want to be ‘all about money’ either. People just keep telling me it’s what ‘I deserve.’ or that ‘I’m too nice.’ And it almost feels bad that another opportunity makes me happier especially because I know he can’t afford this place on his own.

I don’t know. I just feel like I should pray for the right words to say. But I feel like either way, there’s no good way to bring it up. It feels like a bad thing to do to a friend. ‘Hey, I know you like this place but I have to move on.’ ‘You can keep the apartment and the deposit, I’ll even help you look for another place if you can’t afford this after keeping the deposit.’ However way I phrase it, it still sounds like I’m kicking him out to the curb. But I do know that I have to stand up for myself eventually or I’ll always be walked on. I have to be my own person about some things in my life.

I have learned a LOT this past year, though. Mainly that if you want something to change, you usually have to influence that change. It’s up to you. And that lesson took me 28 years to learn, but I guess these events in my life happen the way they do for a reason. I should be thankful regardless. I know whatever happens, I’ll be alright. I just want him to be fine, too.

Any and all guidance is appreciated. Thanks.
 
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You are both adults, correct? It sounds like a situation that teens or young adults would get themselves into. So it’s important to address the problem in an adult manner, with calmness, reason and charity.

I would recommend sitting down with your friend and having a serious conversation about what he can afford, and when he can pay you back what he owes, and how much. Set out a time line for repayment, make a contract.
It may be that he can’t afford to live there. Ask him how much he makes. You have a right to know if you’re paying the rent.

You also need to consider whether you want to commit to another lease. Do you want to move on because he’s not pulling his weight, or do you want your own place, or some other reason?

You’re carrying him, you’re not able to utilize your living space like you want to, and he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal (“he asked if it was worth crying over.”) I would say that if he can’t afford his part of the rent, he needs to find another place that he can afford --perhaps a room. He also needs to sleep in his own room, not the living room.

Perhaps your friend needs to take a class so he can improve his job situation. You can get scholarships for training, depending on what he wants to do. It’s not doing him any favors to keep carrying him. Although charity is essential, and it’s important to help people escape from difficult situations. they need to make an effort for themselves as well.
You are to be commended for your kindness. But keep in mind St Paul said, “Those unwilling to work don’t get to eat.”
God bless.
 
The kindest thing you could do for this person is to exercise a little “tough love”, assert yourself, and move out/ on to a better situation. Being charitable doesn’t mean being a sucker. If the person is truly in need of help, direct him to a few organized charities such as St. Vincent de Paul, which has procedures for fostering responsibility and setting boundaries when the other person is being a leech. Sorry, but that’s what your “friend” is being. He’s not acting as a friend, and at this point he needs either a dose of reality/responsibility or, if he really has an affliction like an illness or other setback, he needs professional help.

It may be that after you shuffle along, “friend” just finds another pigeon to support them for a while, but at least you would have tried to send a wake-up call, and more importantly, you would have done the healthy thing for yourself. Listen to your family. They’re right.
 
I’ve sat him down before and showed him what he owes. I went through my bank statements and made an accurate account of bill payments with his half in consideration. I recognize that he’s in a tough situation with kids and such, but I feel that, as an adult, he needs to consider his half of the bills which is what we agreed upon in the beginning.

He pays his rent. But I’m paying half the rent and the bills the majority of the time.

People have told me to shut off the internet or change the password until he pays. I haven’t done so because I feel like that’s a bit too extreme.

He’s mentioned staying on or about ‘6 more months’ since he feels like he’ll get a managment position soon. But the place we are at only has lease agreements for a full year. So, even if we make a contract (as he suggests) for 6 months, I’ll still be locked in.

I’ve mentioned making a contract for repayment before and he’s willing. I just don’t want it to come between our friendship. That is why I cried about it. I don’t want to lose a friend over something like money. I’m quite alright with my financial situation at the current moment, but I realize it’s more about ‘what’s fair’ in the end.

About moving on, I just feel like it’s time. We had good memories here, but there are other circumstances that have come up. I recognize he has a family and living here is kind of like living with a family that isn’t mine. My coworker seems like a better option because I can be myself around him at work, and that gives way to a certain sense of freedom with being who I am at home as well. I admit, I have wanted to live with my current roommate for awhile since we’ve been friends for years. But, it just feels like it’s time for a change.

He’s mentioned that he feels unlucky a lot of the time. But I feel like you make your own luck a lot of the time. He hasn’t had a driver’s license for awhile due to some circumstances, but they are ones he made for himself. I recognize he needs help and doesn’t receive it from the mother of his child a lot of the time, but again, I have to get better at realizing that it’s not my place to fix his situation. He’s since got his driver’s license back and is doing well at work. Still, I feel like it’s his responsibility to take responsibility for his own life and finances.

He’s willing to work. Much more than the mother of his child. That’s another situation, though. And one that she has to fix on her own. But still, I feel like I’m helping him out a little too much, perhaps? Especially if it causes questioning on my end.

Like you said, we are both adults. I don’t expect any gratitude on his part for any charity. It’s what a friend does. But there comes a point where people need to be their own person and own up to it as well.

Thank you for your response, Viki.
 
I’m not there so i don’t really know the reality of the situation. But you seem like you are a really nice guy and it doesn’t seem like he has much respect for you. The problem with being a nice guy is that people will walk all over you and take liberties with you because they know they can. I have nice guy syndrome too. At some point you are going to have to lay down the law otherwise this is going to be your life for the rest of your life.
 
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I’ve heard that said before. I feel like he is capable of taking care of himself and his kids. He’s a great father. The mother isn’t in the picture too often and he steps in to provide.

He’s trying to fix his situation. He’s going for manager at his job which will be enough to pay for our place by himself. The problem is that I’m ready to move on and it feels like he expects me to wait.

I know that it’s my fault for not bringing it up. I have a problem with confrontation. I know I do. But I have confronted him about the bills and he knows I haven’t signed the lease yet.

I like this apartment. I like the location. But it doesn’t feel like ‘my place.’

He has also brought up that he doesn’t want to live with his grandma again. Or at his mom’s place. I admit, with a kid, it would be hard. But you do what you can. But if I could help that, would I? And at what cost? It’s also close to his job. (There’s my overthinking again.)

The healthy thing for myself would be to move on, I feel. But sometimes doing what is ‘for myself’ feels a bit selfish. Like I said, I overthink things.

I don’t want to think he’s just using me. But yeah, maybe a wake-up call might be what he needs. I’ve heard it said that I’m not his girlfriend, so I don’t owe him the same type of commitment.

Ideally, a new place with more options sounds better or me. (Albeit not for him). It seems like it would foster growth and a future more so than my current situation.

Thanks for your reply, Bearself.
 
IWantGod,

I tend to hear that a lot. But that’s what we should be. Granted, not TOO nice I suppose. My problem is that I don’t tell people when an issue is bothering me. Used to happen all the time at my job, but I’ve gotten better at voicing concern. With this though, it’s harder because it’s a friend. He’s called me family before, so it’s hard to bring up issues when I know what he’s going through or what it may cause if I decide to walk away from it.

I liked what you said about laying down the law. That’s what I feel like I have to do. Except now it’s just a fact of being my own person and walking away towards a better future for myself. I feel the time has passed to bring things up.

As an example, he tells me that he’ll sleep in his room or he’ll pay me on this date. I’ve gotten to a point where that doesn’t matter anymore. There was a time when all I wanted was for the amount he owed to be even - all paid up. Mainly because even if he did pay a lump sum, it still wouldn’t balance out with the next month’s bills. It’s gotten to a point where I’m tired of asking him for money and I just want to move on with it. But part of me realizes his situation and wants to help him. Then another part of me realizes that he has to do that by himself. Eh. It’s tough.

Thank you for your reply.
 
My friend, you need to wake up. He is not your friend. One does not treat their friends that way. You are simply his victim, probably one among many.
 
For God’s guidance…
For this intention…
Our Father, Hail Mary x10, Glory Be, Fatima Prayer, AMEN!
 
I have begun to wake up in a lot of ways, recently. I recognize that it’s not an ideal situation to be in and time to move on from it.

Thanks.
 
So, I didn’t sign the lease again. He was surprisingly cool about it and still plans to pay me back. I have been looking at different apartments with a coworker. It’s exciting while scary at the same time. Seems like everything is happening so quick. But change is how we grow, I suppose.
 
Sounds like your family loves you, listen to them , not online strangers.
 
Money loaned should always be considered money lost. I wouldn’t loan him any more, but I would let go of the debt and consider it a very nice gift and forget about it. No use losing a friend over money of all things.
 
Thank you. I consider myself lucky to have them to talk to especially since they are closest to the situation.

Never know though, other people can offer insights that come from their own experience with similar things.

Thanks again for your comment.
 
I agree.

Some friends have told me that I probably won’t see that money again. But other friends tell me that it’s what is owed to me. I have given him money before as a gift, but this feels like it should be handled differently. If not as a learning experience to grow from.

I have contemplated just moving on with it. Mainly because it’s what I’m used to. When a situation gets hard, I just leave it be and move on. I feel like I need to try at this, though.

Losing a friend over money is hard. It happened to me before. Considering he is one of my better friends, when bringing up payments and such, I had a difficult time with it as I thought I’d lose him, too. Luckily, we seem to be getting along a lot better than I thought we would after we had a talk about me moving out.

To me, I think it’s about growing up. Or getting what I ‘deserve’. Or something like that.

But yes, I know now to not lend someone money if I’m not positive they’d pay it back. A gift is fine, I don’t expect that back. But I guess this was a lesson that I had to learn through experience.

Thank you for your reply.
 
I think you slightly misunderstood me. I didn’t mean “only lend money to trustworthy people” I meant it literally: every single time you loan money to anyone at all, consider it gone forever. Accept repayment if it is offered, and remind the person to repay you if it’s been a while, but in your heart, consider it a gift that doesn’t have to be returned.

Remember that at the end of the day, it isn’t your money at all. It belongs to God. He’s letting you hold onto it, but it is His. I’m not saying lend to everyone who asks, but never let yourself get worked up about it once you’ve lent it.

Before you hand over the money, ask yourself “Am I going to be okay, financially and spiritually, if I never see this money again?” And if the answer is no, then you need to not lend the money. If you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it. If you are too attached to it then you need to practice detachment first. Money cannot buy God’s love. God will not ask you “Did you stand up for yourself and get what you were owed?” when you die. He will ask: “Did you love things that weren’t worth loving? Were you charitable with My gifts?”

The Bible tells us to lend freely and never expect repayment. The world tells us we shouldn’t be “doormats.” But we’re not trying to impress the world.
 
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Ah. Thank you for the clarification.

I had a manager once who was also a Pastor. He used to say the same thing. That it’s all God’s money. I remember him telling me how it kind of takes the stress away.

This situation was always confusing. My mom and dad both have talked to me at length because I am still confused how it’s my money. See, in the beginning we both agreed to pay half of the bills. I thought I was being charitable by letting it slide a little bit. My parents and other people told me that it’s my money. That his half was indeed half of the money I had originally spent on the bills. I still have trouble wrapping my head around it. It’s kind of become a mix of a lesson in charity and justice, I feel. Thought I have to admit, him randomly repaying me pieces here and there feels nice. Especially since as soon as I make a bill payment, I’ve been considering it money that is gone.

I liked your absolute answer of what to ask before lending money. If I can’t afford it, I can’t afford it. I’m getting better at looking into my finances and plan to make a budget sometime soon to help as well. You’re right. Money can’t buy God’s love. Only good works, charity, and love can. Standing up for yourself is good, I feel. People need a certain amount of self-respect. I liked your last question, especially. It made me think of another quote. ‘The best things in life aren’t things.’ Maybe it means that the best things in life can’t be bought, as well. It also reminded me of ‘Your talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it, is your gift to God.’

I agree with lending what you can and freely. That’s charity. You give what you can with an open heart and without any motives behind it. The ‘doormat’ thing is an issue I’ll always struggle with, though. I got focused on the ‘turn the other cheek’ awhile back. The world just seems to take and take and take if you’ll let it. I found that out a few times the hard way. But I also find it interesting how God could be seen as the opposite of that. He seems to give and give and give.

Thanks for your reply.
 
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