Being the parent of an adult child

[Restless_me]

Hello new friends. I joined specifically to get some sound Catholic advice to the following problem.

Three years ago our 28 y.o. daughter allowed a man to move into her home. It’s clear that he’s benefiting nicely from this arrangement. She apparently is too, but it’s difficult to see how. He will have nothing to do with any of her family or friends. He is bi-racial and he apparently believes we are all racist (we live in a town that is predominately white, but we’re not racist). Our daughter is beautiful, talented, generous, and has many friends. Nobody understands why she continues with this man. It defies logic.

We’ve managed to maintain a relatively close relationship with our daughter and have supported all of her endeavors with our time and attention. We’ve been very generous with her at birthdays, holidays, and special occasions (We do the same with our adult son who is NOT shacking up with his g.f.) We enjoy giving to all of our children.

We don’t allow our 15 y.o. son to visit his sister as long as a man is living there. We rarely visit her home either (8 minutes away). I’m at a point where I want to set some boundaries with her but I’m not sure what is appropriate. Every few months I have a sort of meltdown and tell her how I feel about this matter. She gets angry and tells me I’m causing her “unnecessary stress.” I know I can’t change her. I can only change me. I get tired of pretending all is well. I don’t want to punish her. I just want to be real.

I will appreciate any Catholic or biblical advice you can give me. I want to do the right thing by her and by me. Thank you.

 

[PaddyK3502]

Restless Me, I was in the same situation once, but I was the aggravating adult child . I can honestly look back and be amazed at the pain and worry I put my parents through. As long as your daughter is aware of your feelings on the matter all you can do is stick to your beliefs and pray for your daughter. It took me several years of many…many mistakes to finally “grow up” but thankfully my parents laid a good spiritual and religious foundation for me. Another thing was they made sure I understood they did not approve of my choices but they loved me and were there for me if I needed them. Like I said in the beginning I am not a parent yet so ask me this in 20 yrs and see if I am this calm. lol.
Bob

 

[BamaRider]

Would you have a problem if she came home and said she wanted to marry this boy?

 

[sanctamaria17]

Have you made it clear that it’s not because he’s biracial, but because of the living arrangements?

What exactly is he like? Does he treat her well? Is he lazy? Is he disrespectful? Why are people not understanding why she is with him?

Does he have any plans to marry her? Does she want to marry him? Is he just benefiting from convenience at her expense?

Why are they living together? Is it because of finances? Is your daughter a practicing Catholic? Is he? If they are planning marriage, do they plan on marrying in the Church and obeying her teachings on marriage, family and sexuality?

These are my questions. I’m sorry if there’s a lot of them

 

[Trishie]

“Restless me”, you might feel like sending a well-aimed dart at me for dodging around the question and just posting a scripture, and a prayer, one of those I wrote while struggling with my own sons’ departures from my Catholic-mother dreams for them.
My boys were awfully creative in their choices and there’s still a salt lake of tears somewhere out there.

“Stop your crying and wipe away your tears. All that you have done for your children will not go unrewarded; they will return from the enemy’s land. There is hope for your future; your children will come back home. I, the Lord, have spoken.” [Jeremiah 31:16-17]

Prayer for Youth
Jesus, they stand at the crossroads, our youth. They no longer trustfully accept the values or directions of their seniors, unless it proves convenient or appears to have integrity enough to override convenience.

Grant us grace to live and love in cheerful and sincere witness of Your gospel, striving for goodness, justice, and unselfish caring in the way that we deal with them. Thus, they may perceive the value and validity of Christian (Catholic) commitment. Let them recognise, however, that they can no more expect us to be perfect and faultless than we should expect perfection of them.

By not demanding more than they can reasonably offer, let them see that while none of us is perfect, each ought to try for one’s best according to nature and ability. Grant us wisdom and love to permit them their freedom to follow their own directions, which are as valid to them as ours are to ourselves.

Give us grace to understand and to forgive their mistakes, knowing that we ourselves frequently err. Grant them to discover You through our understanding and forgiveness, and lead them to find healing and growth in Scripture and in Your Sacraments. Let us witness to them, without trying to break them to our mature wisdom, lest we, by our inflexibility or judgement, cause anyone to lose himself/herself and You for a time or forever.

The pain in our hearts they may not understand until in their own young they confront these moments of anxiety, conflict and uncertainty.

Heal our hearts and minds with hope. Give us trust in Your hidden leading and protection of them, so that we respond to them gently, steadily, wisely, and with peace. Help us to preserve their balance and identity, to foster their reverence for and nurture of Your unique image within themselves and in others for the way that we love and respect them.

Grant Your light to illuminate their paths, so that they may see to clear away errors and barriers that dim the wonderful unique celebration of Your living image within them.

Dear Jesus, we confess our frailty, our sinfulness, our meagre witness, and appeal humbly to You. We cannot contend alone with such sensitive and crucial responsibility regarding our young ones, and our anxieties may sometimes threaten to swamp our faith or judgement. Please help us to be wise, trusting and mature.

Our failures and mistakes regarding them appear to remain as crosses in their lives and in our hearts. Please do not allow our sadness to become self-recrimination, nor impatience towards them. Let it simply be confident prayer that You will take them to your heart, and fill them with Your Spirit to heal them and lead them patiently into the way of Your living gospel. If this path is long and arduous, please grant us the powerful faith of a Monica.

Whatever paths they wander by, our children — through us, their elders put Your hand gently on their shoulders, steady and warm. Look into their eyes with deep caring and friendship. Let them see their preciousness, their rich possibilities, and their kinship in You.

Let them know that they can share their laughter as well as their sorrows. Eat bread with them, listen and respond. Teach by example that is cheerful, faithful, gentle, and strong. Walk with us beside them supportively without intrusion—letting go, as their need requires but always prayerfully near in the quiet presence of Your Spirit.

Thank You, dear Jesus who loves our young ones more than we fathom. You are our hope for them.

 

[Restless_me]

Thank you all for taking a moment and an interest in my question.

Have you ever had a situation in your life where just didn’t know what to do and you could find no peace. Then, finally the answer becomes clear. Like a gentle whisper from God, suddenly you know the truth – and you can relax again. That’s what I’m hoping to find here. I’m hoping God will use you to help me know how to respond.

*To respond briefly to your inquiries: This guy came into the picture after said daughter ended another relationship. He was a good friend when she needed one. As time has gone by, it appears to everyone that he has found a very good deal. He has a nice place to live, all the comforts of home, a beautiful woman to sleep with, and very little is required of him other than his “rent” bill. This arrangement has made said daughter’s lifestyle appear quite comfortable – even luxurious compared to where I was at age 28.

She says that she knows there’s no future with him, that she’d like him to be different. She even recognizes his games. But she doesn’t get rid of him. I could go on… As for the racial thing: Although a mixed race marriage wouldn’t be my first choice for any of my kids (for practical reasons), I could easily accept anybody of any race if the person is a good person.*

My bottom line question is how to find peace. Also, would we be smart to stop with the giving of gifts, etc. I have a vague notion of what Dr. Laura might say. I need specifics. It’s confusing. Kind of like having a drug-addict in the family. “What do we say?” “What do we do?” “What don’t we do?” “Rock the boat or keep the peace?”

Thanks to Trishie, all the way in **Australia **for the prayer and scripture. The verse brought a tear to my eye.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

My bottom line question is how to find peace.
**
By accepting that you have absolutely no control over your daughter’s choices. As hard as it is to step back and just let her make her choices (mistakes and all) it is the only thing that will bring you peace. You need to stop trying to figure out how to fix it. That’s her job now. And you need to trust that God knew what He was doing when He made YOU her mom. I’m sure you did a great job raising her and now she needs to take those life lessons you have instilled and apply them.**

Also, would we be smart to stop with the giving of gifts, etc.
**
What would lead you to make that choice? What do you think it would accomplish? If you have always been a “gift giver” then for you to stop would appear to her like punishment and give the boyfriend ammo to use to bring you down in her eyes. Now, if you decided to start** giving lavish gifts to win her affection you might have a problem…

I have a vague notion of what Dr. Laura might say. I need specifics. It’s confusing.

What do you think she would advise?

**
Honestly it sounds like you are doing a pretty good job. You have set your boundaries (especially regarding your minor son) and have made your beliefs known. Just stop with the emotional meltdowns since they obviously are having the opposite effect on her. Meltdown to God and give it over to Him when it feels like too heavy a cross to carry. Keep praying for her and the boyfriend. God can do some pretty amazing stuff if we just ask.**

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I would just tell her that you love her, but…

“Sadly, it appears I want more for you than you seem to want for yourself. This situation is not good for you. You are being used. And by living with someone you’re not married to, you are making yourself unavailable to a good man who might have met you but decided to keep walking because your behavior isn’t want he is looking for in a wife. As long as you’re living with another man, respectful men will not try to date you.”

Your daughter is possibly trading a future happiness for her present comfort.

And pray for her. And remember her birthday and Christmas. Be polite to him, but make it known that your issues with him aren’t about race, but about moral choices.

 

[ecp007]

Three years ago our 28 y.o. daughter allowed a man to move into her home. It’s clear that he’s benefiting nicely from this arrangement. She apparently is too, but it’s difficult to see how. He will have nothing to do with any of her family or friends. He is bi-racial and he apparently believes we are all racist (we live in a town that is predominately white, but we’re not racist). .

It is interesting that the only thing you mention about him is his bi-racial status.

Our daughter is beautiful, talented, generous, and has many friends. Nobody understands why she continues with this man. It defies logic. .

If your daughter is so good, and she has chosen to spend time with this guy, it must not defy all logic, just yours. Why don’t you ask her what she likes about the guy?

We don’t allow our 15 y.o. son to visit his sister as long as a man is living there. We rarely visit her home either (8 minutes away). I’m at a point where I want to set some boundaries with her but I’m not sure what is appropriate. .

It sounds like you already have set boundaries.

Every few months I have a sort of meltdown and tell her how I feel about this matter. She gets angry and tells me I’m causing her “unnecessary stress.” I know I can’t change her. I can only change me .

Very wise.

I get tired of pretending all is well. I don’t want to punish her. I just want to be real .

Then be real. Your daughter is an adult. She has been for 10 years. You can not control her behavior by limiting your access, by setting boundaries, by stopping gift giving, or by nagging.

You need to decide what kind of relationship you want with her: Close? Then get to know her beau. Find out what is so great about him. Invite him to dinner. He may be your future son-in-law, if you want access to the grand kids, start on a positive relationship now. Also, it will give you insight into your daughter, and what she is attracted to. It will strengthen your relationship with her. If the relationship doesn’t work out, she will turn to you, and appreciate your constantcy. You can continue to make it clear that you don’t agree with them living together without being married. But by getting to know him, you take away any power he has over you in case she is using this relationship to rebell against you in some way.

Distant? Stop giving gifts. Continue to label her choices as “illogical”. Isolate her further. In this case, whether she ends up with this guy or not, you are out. By your choice.

 

[monicatholic]

“Stop your crying and wipe away your tears. All that you have done for your children will not go unrewarded; they will return from the enemy’s land. There is hope for your future; your children will come back home. I, the Lord, have spoken.” [Jeremiah 31:16-17]

I live on this scripture. For years. I hold on to it.

First, I admit I sense OP has a difficulty with the bi-racial aspect of this relationship. I’ve had many bi-racial catechism students and there is nothing impractical about them or their lives. One fellow I would have loved for my adult daughter to be interested in is black (she is not.) Her current (and first) beau is a wonderful Catholic, moral guy, though. (She’s still discerning a call to religious vocation. He’s so respectful.)

Restless, what did you say about her previous relationship? Were there clues that it had passed from chaste romantic to sexual? Did you mention her moral responsibility then? I’m hoping, in the past, you’ve contended with the moral aspects of her relationships because it gives your moral arguments credibility now.

As for your daughter’s actions-- the saddest thing is that your daughter does not hold a future interest in him. According to your accounts, the relationship is comfortable, conveneint and recreational. That she is willing to offend God and misuse sexuality in the name of love is hard enough to take. But to do it for convenience-- that’s a tough one.

Nevertheless, another poster admitted she was likewise this daughter. I was, too. My mother cried, prayed, cried and prayed more. Occasionally, she would blow her lid. The rest of the time, she was HEROIC in her silence. But she kept her boundaries. My siblings were not allowed to visit. My parents didn’t either. Live-in and I were invited often to share meals etc. We rejected most offerings-- we wanted to believe they were the bad guys.

My mother gave me gifts-- never money. Not a dime to fund a sinful set-up.

Once, we had to leave our apartment for a couple of days. We were allowed to stay at my parents house, but not to sleep together. I had the absolute audacity to say, “this is stupid. we sleep together at home.” my mother (almost fuming, but holding it together) said, “but this is not his home.”

He had the audacity to say, “if you can’t accept us, I don’t have to be here.” my dad responded, “that goes two ways. if you can’t accept us, you don’t have to be here either.”

It was a miserable time. I hurt my parents soooo much.

But they never closed the door. They kept their moral boundaries. I called it 'judging." they called it “not giving consent.”

My mom warned me that I might have a kid like me. Then I’d understand. In my absolute hubris I conjectured that I would understand-- I’d understand and “be cool about things.” Yikes.

You may have read from other threads that my mother’s warnings were prophetic. I’m not cool about things. But I’m wise. I’ve learned lots about leaving the door open. I’ve learned LOTS about loving the sinner and not loving the sin.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

First, I admit I sense OP has a difficulty with the bi-racial aspect of this relationship…

I know what you are saying, but in her original post she brought up the topic because the young man has a problem with it, not her. Whether she does or not could be affecting the relationship with her daughter and the boyfriend though.

 

[monicatholic]

No argument, Malia.

I’m just reading, though, that daughter ended one relationship and soon began this sexual relationship as a comfort and rebound sort of thing.

This is conjecture, but based on fairly consistent observation: when someone rebounds into a sexual relationship there’s good chance the previous relationship was likewise sexual.

now I know that’s carrying the ball out of the endzone, but follow me.

if there was any indication that daughter was previously in a sexual relationship and Restless didn’t contend with the morality of it, then the boyfirend isn’t making baseless accusations.

Restless, if he’s not making baseless accusations, he’s calling you out.

All I’m saying is that this situation wouldn’t be any more moral or more practical if both parties were of the same race. The situation wouldn’t be more moral if HE was paying her way. It wouldn’t even be more moral if two parties were carrying on a strongly suggestive-of-sex relationship then went back home to their respective parents each night. The CC says plenty about the scandal of cohabitaiton, but it has equally tough things to say about fornication in general. scandal is given, too, through date vacations and other strong indicators of sexual relations.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

No argument, Malia.

.

**I agree with all you posted:thumbsup:

my only point was that the biracial issue seems to be a problem for HIM and whether he is making it up or not, accusing his girlfriend’s family of being racist puts a definite crimp in the mom’s ability to get to know him, invite him over, etc.**

 

[monicatholic]

i know the boyfriend charged her. But restless has mentioned it several times.

So, do you think Restless’ acceptance or contentions with daughter’s past relationships would indicate if the accusation of racism is credible?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

i know the boyfriend charged her. But restless has mentioned it several times.

So, do you think Restless’ acceptance or contentions with daughter’s past relationships would indicate if the accusation of racism is credible?

**
Whoa, you lost me… I’m tired and bleary eyed and have no idea what you’re asking me, lol.

But to put in my final two cents before bed, I think that the OP (like all of us) needs to take a good hard look at herself in this situation and improve anything that needs improving so that she can honestly say she is being the best person she can be and that any accusations coming at her WILL be baseless. **

 

[monicatholic]

But to put in my final two cents before bed, I think that the OP (like all of us) needs to take a good hard look at herself in this situation and **improve anything that needs improving so that she can honestly say she is being the best person she can be and that any accusations coming at her WILL be baseless. **

Malia, thanks for concisely squaring up what I was failing at trying to say so babblingly.

Seriously, that’s really what I meant. Thanks.