Being without positive extended family relationships...how have you handled it?

[Princess_Abby]

I think I’m just looking for some perspective on other couples’ experiences with their extended family.

My husband and I are 24, married 11 months, and living 1200 miles from my family. We live about an hour away from his family.

My family is very supportive–from a distance, as much as they can be–while his family has, in our Catholic therapist’s words, been very emotionally abusive toward both of us. It is a very long story, with much of it stemming from a cycle begun in past generations and carried on through the family. They have very “enmeshed boundaries” and do not seem to understand where their lives stop and ours begins. VERY controlling and manipulative behavior from them.

The good news is that my husband is a wonderful man with the gift of virtue–something most of his family disparages, as they are all Catholics in name only. My husband is a remarkable gem who has managed to escape the abusive nature of his parents, instead embracing the Church and living a life full of faith, hope and love. Our Catholic therapist has advised us to cut all ties with his parents at this point. (We have already spent seven months without seeing them nor initiating contact, though they have sent us very nasty letters, emails and voicemails.) Part of that “process” (of erecting “rigid boundaries,” to quote the therapist ) is for my husband and I to collaborate and write a letter of sorts to his parents, detailing in specific terms what precisely has happened over the last two years to make us choose this drastic route. (Again, details I won’t go into for the sake of space.) Obviously it’s painful for my husband, who in many ways is still healing from his parents’ warped way of relating…which is a whole other post.

Anyway, I guess I would like to hear from happy Catholic families who perhaps don’t live near their extended family or maybe don’t have a very positive relationship with one or both sides. (Just to clarify, our relationship with my parents and siblings is very healthy–they just live very far away, and that probably won’t change.) How have your children handled being without extended family? Has having those children been a difficult road without the support of family? What are holidays like? We are currenty without babies but hope to start our family soon.

Part of our problem has been the difficulty in finding solid Catholic young married couples, or even singles, to become friends with. I think if we had that support system, we wouldn’t feel the loss of family so acutely.

Any thoughts are appreciated! Thanks
Abby

 

[kirabira]

hi again =)

We have a great relationship with my parents and a not so great one with his parents. We live 2 hours from my side of the fam and 4 hours from his-- which is a pos/ neg thing. pos- its rare to see them-- neg- its rare to see them! IE i think maybe if we saw each other more often they would be more relaxed and less stressed.
I come from a family that just knows how to get along. If someone is in your business you dont confront them you just nod or thank them for unwanted advice- say something like ‘oh thats interesting’ and then move on. That being said- most of my family just know limits/ boundaries and have respect-- but you are right its totally generational and we were all just raised that way!
My husbands family is totally broken. Neither his mom or dad had an example of family and marriage due to divorce, death and living far away from extended family. They just grew up sort of without family-- so its no wonder they act a little ‘funny’. I’m sure I seem just as funny to them! I posted on a thread about how they seemed to have hostility around my husbands conversion. During the roughest part we did the whole ‘letters’ thing where you were detailed and explained the actions and how it was hurtful-- and we added that if they couldnt ‘behave’- respect us in our house- the result would be not seeing them.
They took this as manipulation and a threat on our part- and obviously I was behind it?lol. Recently they seemed to have a real awakening as to the feelings of their own son – only after he repeatedly told them how they were hurting him through their actions and comments…
but this behaviour isnt something that just started- this is how their relationship has been his whole life- only he never spoke up before and basically avoided them.
I think you have to prioritize and decide what you want, need, what you can live without- what is too much stress and how far can you bend?
We said our piece to his side and from now on we dont do direct conflict- it just makes things sort of worse and more work. I’ve helped my husband with some key phrases he can use to diffuse a situation.
Ill give a quick example… but maybe im going over limit so ill do a new post…
This sounds crazy but there is always HUGE drama with his family about what we will do- where we will eat-- who will drive-- why we are going to x-- huge drama about mass.

 

[kirabira]

The problem stemmed from the way my husband handled these situations-- making them *sound to them like *options or leaving it up to them to make a choice.
The rule is now that they dont get a choice. Its too much for them! They cannot handle decisions or thinking they have other options. They seriously cannot even have 2 choices as to where we eat or it will take wya too long and way too much arguing.
We plan every visit meticulously. Instead of saying ‘would you like to go to mass and then go to dinner?’
My DH must make a statement “we WILL be going to mass and then we WILL be going to X restaurant for dinner”
It sounds silly but you just cant imagine the conflict if my husband forgets to make a statement and asks questions!
Did you have any specific manipulation questions? I can tell you how I would deflect them!

-K
you all will have to come and meet up with us when u are in the dc area =)

 

[chimakuni]

Please get and read Boundaries. It is written by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. Although they are protest-ant, the book is scriptural and very good. If you are still seeing a Catholic therapist, check with them, too. I believe cutting ties is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact, it may very well be absolutely necessary for your marriage. The fourth commandment says to “honor your parents” it does not mean that you must be involved in their dysfunctional ways.

It is difficult to be so far away from your family - thank God for emails! Perhaps you could get involved with an older family at your parish whose kids are grown and gone and help them with chores that need to be done that they cannot do. In helping others, we help ourselves.

Praying for you both. God bless

 

[retina_md]

Any thoughts are appreciated! Thanks
Abby

Dear Princess, sorry about the dilemma that you face with your inlaws. Seems that cooling things a bit may be a good idea, but consider that perhaps there may be some calling for you and your husband to be examples of what a Catholic family should be to your inlaws. Through your love and respect for each other through your love of Jesus and the Church, you may have the opportunity to bring those fallen away home. I’ve seen this in other families. But, this is a difficult task and will undoubtedly bring some pain and stress. You have my prayers.

 

[Chaffa55]

It would be my hope and prayer that you set the new boundaries so you will not be permanently estranged from your husband’s family. We have a son your age, and would be devastated if we had a permanent rift in our relationship with him. Also, as I consider my parents…believe me I miss them, even at my age (55).

You might want to consider asking your therapist about strategies for renewing the relationship with your in-laws under new terms after you have accomplished your goals.

Hope this is helpful. Peace and blessings to you and your husband.

 

[Trinitatem]

The family thing is so tough because ultimately, (even with the controlling types) it’s all about love. I too, went through some pain with my own parents (Not his, they’re dreamy), as they (my parents) did with theirs (my father’s parents). For a while they were opinionated, selfish and a challenge to be around. (that was before kids!). I had a difficult pregnancy with my first, and went through quite a bit when my daughter, a preemie, was born. Somehow, and I was surprised at this, they became worse. More opinionated, more controlling around my beloved daughter. (I didn’t want them to take her out in the sun too long, etc.) I met hostility the whole way.

Until I dug my feet in and became like a mother tiger.

That changed everything. I’m sure there were better ways to handle it, but it came down to a knock-down all out yelling match, with my telling them if they ever wanted to see their granddaughter again…

Ha. I can laugh about it now, because things are completely different. They HAD to change for the sake of MY children, but what’s odd is that I also received some perspective myself. I realized that they were doing what they were doing because:

1. They loved me.
2. They were afraid to lose me (even to my husband).
3. They wanted to feel important in my life still, like I needed them.

I also learned that respect for one’s parents (as hard and sacrificial it may be) is hugely important. Yes, they had battle scars of their own that made them react the way they did and treat us the way they did, but underneath it all it was borne out of love.

Took me a long time to get here. I’m sorry for your and your husband’s pain, but you might be surprised after some years where you (all) might end up.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and ESPECIALLY your prayers.

As for the book, “Boundaries,” we have it Our therapist reccommended it, and we each have our own “workbook” that goes along with it. We also ordered a few other books by the same author–“The Mom Factor,” is one in particular.

As for renewing our relationship with them–we DO hope to do that in the future. To be honest, we have tried repeatedly over the last two years to “give them that second chance” and it has only resulted in emotional abuse and constant drama. The therapist has said it is “toxic” for us to continue seeing them in any way right now. I know it’s difficult to understand when I speak in vague generalities, but they have behaved very aggressively with little charity and much need for control. His mother is also an alcoholic, which complicates things considerably.

Kirabira–I appreciate your perspective on the letter issue. I am personally dreading the day when we send it out, but our therapist is adamant that we at least “explain” (and thereby “purge”) ourselves to them, since they repeatedly say they have no clue “why” we have chosen not to be around them. (We have explained several times verbally, but it goes way over their heads and they get too busy screaming and yelling and talking over us that nothing is heard.)

Our therapist really focuses on forgiveness–helping us move past the resentment and forgiving them for the pain they have caused. We recognize that they are both very wounded people or they would not treat us as they do.

We just worry for our future children–not having extended family around, as well as holidays being tough. But, God will provide.

 

[ojmom]

My response could go on for pages, but I’ll try to keep it short. I can relate to your situation in 2 major ways. #1: For the first 9 years of our marriage, we lived in the same city as most of my husband’s family. (My family is across the country, and money has always been tight for all of us, so physical interactions are rare.) I can tell you that we definately had boundary issues with my husband’s family, but it was mostly annoyances and rude or thoughtless behavior at that point. Our two children were born there, and the oldest loved being with the relatives on an almost daily basis. About 6 years ago, we moved several states away from his family. We initially tried to visit several times/year, especially on holidays, despite what was for us a 12-hour drive with a 2 and 4 year old. Due to many reasons, we now prefer to spend our holidays here, and the kids (now ages 9 & 11) actually prefer it that way. ie. We are free to celebrate the religious aspects of Christmas and Easter without being pressured to “skip Mass” so we can open the mountain of presents, etc. Some of those relatives who are closest to us make an effort to come here to visit a couple of times per year, and they talk regulary with us and our children on the phone. The kids still feel very close to them, because a relationship is maintained. Sometimes it’s hard as it seems everyone has local family to rely on, but if you keep praying and looking, you’ll discover other people in the same situation, and you’ll be there to support each other.

#2. I won’t go into details, but we discovered that some things happened to our oldest child over the course of several of our visits that involved the family of my husband’s brother. It was very traumatic for all of us and resulted in our child needing counseling, Social Services having to be notified, etc. It was an extremely difficult situation, but we wanted to try to work things out with this family. (We knew things could never be the same, but we wanted to be able to maintain limited contact with them, ie. at weddings and funerals). Unfortunately this brother and family wanted everything to remain a secret, and for us to act as if nothing happened. We tried for over a year to bring about an honest discussion about what happened, but they refused to answer the most basic questions, lied to other family members and to us, refused to obtain qualified counseling, etc. We tried verbal communication and got nowhere. As a last resort we tried several explicit letters, but this also was fruitless. Finally (with the understanding and support of the rest of the family there), we notified them that we felt unable and unwilling to have any kind of contact with them. This is extremely painful and difficult for everyone, but we truly feel that we must keep our children out of physical and emotional danger, and ourselves from further emotional and verbal abuse. We agonized over this decision. It’s something that was always unthinkable to us before this situation, but sometimes it is the only thing left to be done. We continue to pray for them and hope that someday they will have the strength to face reality and change their lives. One book that really helped us to somewhat understand them was People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck. If you haven’t read this one, maybe it will help you as well. I hope and pray that your letters and prayers will have a positive impact on your husband’s family. If God blesses you with children, know that you can still have a loving, healthy family.

 

[Princess_Abby]

OJMom,

wow-thank you so much for an incredibly honest and empathetic post! i really, truly appreciate your perspective and the sharing of your experience. i am printing it out to let my husband read.

our therapist has been very clear to us that our future children should NOT have contact with his parents, unless some ownership of their actions is taken up and issues dealt with professionally.

you have so much courage! i know from our experience with my husband’s family that they LOVE to pretend nothing has happened and they continually write/email/call us to leave messages exhorting us to “Just sweep it under the rug! Let it go!”

As my husband says, “…if you sweep everything under the rug, eventually there’s a huge pile to trip over…”

thanks for your reply. it is very reassuring to know that holy and healthy families can be borne from those which only offer deceit.

 

[condan]

I come from the definition of a dysfunctional family. My parents live in different states. My two sisters and I ended up in somewhat close proximity to each other (< 1 hour drive).

Conversely, my husbands family is local. They are pretty normal. Their behavior, while very meddlesome at times, is always done with love. His one and only brother lives about 4 hours from us. (more on that later).

Over the years, for my own sanity, I found that it was necessary to sever relationships with those in my family that were destructive. I didnn’t speak to my mother for about 5 years. It was just too painful. Ditto one of my sisters. It allowed me to put things into perspective and not deal with baloney. We now talk pleasantly and I am able to say no when baloney starts to surface.

Your therapist sounds on target with letting your husbands parents know how and why you are distancing yourselves. However, remember that they love you and probably don’t realize that what they are doing is wrong. It is important to remember to “love people where they’re at” while at the same time, keeping your sanity. Remember who you are. You are children of royalty: Children of the King.

Our kids didn’t really miss what they didn’t know about, i.e., that other set of grandparents. They know my mother as we have become closer over the years but they couldn’t pick my father out of a photo. We make our own family which I think is the most important thing. We get by on our own and don’t look for much help from our parents. If they offer, then fine but we learned not to look to others, parents, siblings, friends, etc.

To your point on Catholic friends. Ours are few and far between but we learned long ago that most people don’t share our values. We have made some friends through our kids Catholic school (but were sadly surprised how secular most people are and that their motivation for Catholic school was not a Catholic education.) We keep to ourselves and like it this way as it minimizes the secular influences on the kids.

We decided to move to the same small town 4 hours from here where my husband’s brother and his lovely family live. However, we chose the other side of town so we wouldn’t be in too close proximity since they are much more secularized than we are.

Good luck. Its a tough way to start out your life together. But, remember who you are. Remember, too, that you are grownups now and that the only family that really matters is yours, the one that God brought you two together to make.