Best Friend just had a baby...a little jealous

  • Thread starter Thread starter sarcophagus
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

sarcophagus

Guest
My best friend just had a beautiful baby girl yesterday. I’m very happy for her and her fiance, however, I found myself being a little jealous when I found out. DH and I had a talk a few weeks ago and he said he absolutely does not want children. I on the other hand want at least one (would have more gladly though). It’s tough to know this and I got jealous that she had a baby and I probably won’t. DH insists on using “protection” and I have voiced my disagreement with this, however, as I’ve learned in the Ask an Apologist forum that I can still be intimate with him. It’s just hard to see all my friends having children and knowing that this may never happen to me.

Any advice or similar experiences?? Thanks
 
I think you should talk to your priest. Being willing to have children is a requirement of marriage.

My sister however is 23 weeks pregnant after relying on condoms. So, ABC fails sometimes. What would your husband do if that happens?

My heart aches for you. May God hold you in his arms. May the Blessed Mother wrap you in her mantle. May all the angels and saints pray for you and your husband.
 
My husband has expressed that should we ever get pregnant, he’s fine with it, he just doesn’t want to TRY to have a baby. I think he’s more worried to have a daughter to be honest, which is probably the reason why he doesn’t want children, since it’s a 50:50 chance. I can’t even leave the house without my cellphone and he calls me all the time to make sure I’m ok, he’s just very protective. He told me once that having a daughter would probably kill him because he’d be sick with worry all the time. He’s very good with children and children just love him because he’s so goofy. He often talks about “if we have a kid” but then he always turns around and says he doesn’t want any. It could also be that he is young, I’m 22 he’s 23. Like I said, he said he’d be fine if it were an accident, but he’s definelty not trying for a child.
 
A permanent intention against children and a refusal to the spouse of non contraceptive sex is an impediment to entering a marriage validly.

Are you both Catholics? Did you discuss children before marriage? Does he understand that children are the natual end of marriage? Does he understand that he is hurtful to you and his desire to avoid parenting is selfish?

You are both young so hopefully he will learn more about the Church’s teaching, reject contraception, and embrace children as a blessing and gift from God.

I second the advice to talk to your priest, first by yourself and then together.
 
He’s a pentacostal, I’m a somewhat (not fully) catholic. He feels that my belief against BC (I’ve stopped using chemical BC) is against his belief that it can be used. We discussed children before marriage and at the time, I did side with him abou children but as I have been growing in my faith, my understanding in being a woman and seeing my friends have children, my desire for my own has strengthened. Neither us believe that divorce is an option and so we will both have to live with each other’s desires. I love him and I do not wish for him to be unhappy. I would gladly give up my desire so he is happy. I just pray that one of the condoms has a hole in it one day. I would never put one there because that is decieving and lying but I hope there is an accident. Is that weird?
 
I think most women have a desire for children. It’s part of our God given femininity. We have 3 kids, and I used to get envious when friends would have babies. Taking it to confession helped me.

Loving your husband and being willing to sacrifice for him is the best thing you can do. God will take care of the rest, even if it’s painful for you. We’re called to fidelity, and it seems you’re living it! --KCT
 
He’s only 22…I think, in time he might change. My BIL never wanted children until he was well into his 30s! Praying for you both!

Anna x
 
Depending on what kind of “protection” you are using it *will *happen eventually, especially if he is using condoms. Does he realize that there is a “failure” rate and will he be accepting of a baby when they finally “fail?” What you are feeling is totally normal, it is natural to feel that way, and it is natural for it to be causing a disagreement in your marriage. That is the biggest problem with artificial birth control. It is like saying “I want you, just not all of you. I want you but not your baby” It also condones a negative feeling toward being pregnant, being against your own babies. It is destructive to the family. I didnt’ understand this until we had been married about 3 years and I couldn’t figure out why birth control felt so wrong to me. I grew up Catholic, but not taught Abirth control was morallywrong and why. It wasnt’ until I experienced it for myself that I realized how it was making us feel.

I am sorry you have to go through this. Pray for him. He can change. My husband was dead set on only two, but our thrid baby is a great joy in his life. He has learned alot about life since then.

As you probably know, jealousy is not from God. To combat the feeling, every time you catch yourself feeling jealous, immediately pray for that person’s happiness. It works because you will start to hope for other people’s happiness rather than feeling jealous of them you will feel happy for them. Just get in the habit of it, pray about it and it will work.
 
I’ve been thinking about your post all afternoon. It’s been my experience that those (in a marriage) who do not want children are either afraid or selfish. Or a mixture of both. Of course those are very human emotions and understandable. However, also not virtuous. If your DH is working at growing more holy (closer to God), I believe that he will overcome these emotions. And, if you are working on growing more holy (I know you are), then you will naturally be open and desirous of having children.

So, if you continue to grow together spiritually, I’m sure it will resolve itself as you obtain virtues and cast off fear. 👍

So, Be not afraid!! 🙂

I just posted this suggestion on another thread. But, I have heard that it is a good practice to consecrate your womb to Mary. Whenever, you feel the pang of the call of motherhood, you can renew your consecration. In this way, the emptiness of your womb becomes a prayer that Mary can use to save babies for abortion. Does that sound crazy? Pray about it.

I also renew my suggestion to talk to your priest. Also, I’m going next month to Christopher West’s Theology of the Body workshop. I’ll let you know if it is helpful.
 
40.png
sarcophagus:
My. He told me once that having a daughter would probably kill him because he’d be sick with worry all the time. He’s very good with children and children just love him because he’s so goofy. He often talks about “if we have a kid” but then he always turns around and says he doesn’t want any. It.
Click to expand...
sounds like he says it but doesn’t really mean it 100 % also sounds like the kind of guy when it does happen, and it probably will, ABC is notoriously unreliable, will be over the moon with happiness, and be a great father. You pray, we’ll pray, and see what God comes up with for you and your family.
 
He sounds really scared. I don’t know if he has anxiety problems, but while it is natural to worry about those you love, it is not natural to worry as much as it seems he would. Questions for you to think about or talk to him about are:

-Does he have some experience that makes him so fearful for the safety of a daughter?
-What is different (in his mind) about having a son that makes him NOT fearful of having one.
-What is he afraid will happen.
-Does he think he’ll be a good father?
-Are his fears rational, or is he over-anxious?

If you or he understands these, you may be able to address his fears, and maybe end up with more of a willingness to have a child. Meanwhile pray for God’s Will to be done in your husbands heart and in your fertility.

Saying a prayer right now for you…
TKC
 
When hubby and I married at age 22 and 23 we were in almost the same situation, only in reverse. He was a Catholic growing in faith and I was not. I did not want children . He has wanted children for as long as he can remember.

I used ABC and he tolerated it. He grew in his faith, was patient with me, and made sure I understood his objections to ABC. As I grew and matured I became more interested in “his” faith and started really looking into Catholicism. Once I truly understood the teachings against contraception I agreed to get off of the “pill” and use NFP. Soon after I converted to Catholicism. Now we are expecting our first child. It will be 7 years this summer that we married.

Have some patience. I know it’s hard (just ask hubby, lol) but we are seldom at the same place on our spiritual journeys so sometimes we just have to wait for our spouse to catch up.

Someone mentioned that not wanting children usually stemmed from selfishness or fear. In my case it was definitely fear. I have a chronic illness that made me doubt my abilty to conceive, get through a pregnancy, and be a good parent. But once I understood the meaning of marriage I was more open to God’s will. I am still scared but know that with His help I can do it.
Of course, there is the chance that your husband will never be open to children and that an “accident” won’t happen. In that case you must accept that as your cross to bear since you entered into the marriage with the same views as him. It is the same big risk my hubby took in marrying me. Luckily for us I changed.
Malia
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top