F
foolishmortal
Guest
What constitutes semi-wakefulness? If I get bad sleep, usually due to trying to do all on the net I can think of in a night, can I commit a mortal sin by entertaining lustful thoughts? Can you think you know what you’re doing, but really not be, due to bad sleep, stress, obsessive-compulsive habits? Sometimes, I want to stop being on the net or seeing beautiful people in the nude (primitive people, as they are not in sexual poses), but I want to complete the sets. I’ll do that with tv or movies on youtube or with discussions on sites like this and Youtube’s. I might have OCD. It works fine when I’m helping out in the yard or I’m at an adoration chapel, but I have neither where I’m at and the church isn’t open after work. I have to sleep later into the day.
I would love to pray all those hours I’m on the net (I’m happier, then, but if I screwed up, like spending too much time on myself, or I’m in a position where something will put me in the occasion of sin, I’m concerned I’ll never be able to maintain any healthy spirituality), but I get started on the net, thinking I’ll only be on for a short while, and the options of search terms takes longer than I thought to exhaust. I hope I’ll be done soon, when I do that, but I’m not. I’d like to hide the computer, but I’m overseas and my family use it to contact me. There’s not the libraries with the net near me, though I guess there are the PC rooms. Trying to say the words I do know and gesturing the rest falls apart, when they need to ask or say something. Like I said, though, I think I’ll be on a short time at home, despite previous experiences.
I’ve waned to go to confession more, but I’m thinking I need to show a sign that I mean I’m serious about not even being up late, but I am up late. I think it’s affecting my work (being up late–3AM comes so quickly!), but I think work problems effected it (they say no training and no experience in the ads, but you really do need it as most the elementary school kids in the most Confucian country don’t show respect to me as a teacher and older person and thus, I respect teachers, esp. in the wilder Western schools–well, respecting most college professors may take some time). I’ve gained much weight and stopped doing the fun things I used to like. I wonder if I’m just not bearing my cross, but the fact that my class disrupted another’s made it about more than just me. Guilt entered in to my job performance there in addition to that which I had, when my dad had to snowblow 5 times all that snow that fell last Winter and when I couldn’t be available for family and friend things because of my impulsive ill-thought-out trying out of EFL.
I don’t know if stress has done this, as I get more sense pleasure (not intentionally sensual) and obnoxious on discussion boards when stressed out. Anger on discussion groups is another thing I regret, but don’t know if I’m fully in charge of myself then, even though I intentionally complain about how things are going down the pot and feel I’d be a better person if clergy over the past 40 years had told us how it is and not made fuzzy-feeling Masses, made funny church buildings and moved Thursday holy days to Sunday. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have been put into as many moral dilemmas, for which I feel responsible, in addition to my own private ones. That can lead to resentment. Sometimes, I don’t know who to trust as a spiritual director. I think it m,ay be a loss of control over a situation. I had issues with my last boss and a couple others and, before I knew when, I got very cranky on the road and got sleep deprivation.
Job stress, worthlessness, guilt feeling I’m not living my vocation, scrupulosity, being mad at myself for my errors, plus bad sleep make me wonder if these are signs of not being in a state of sanctifying grace or if these are good excuses for weak behavior. I heard a sermon that said if you are leading a good life, consider being with God your greatest desire and are not wanting to do anything to offend God, and are receiving Jesus at Communion you are in a state of grace and should not fear God’s wrath, but if you are scrupulous, you feel you are not doing the first, probably not doing the second, if you are entertained more b y other things, and thinking maybe you didn’t really care that God is offended, since you’re still doing it and so you do fear God’s wrath, feel you can’t do Confession correctly and don’t receive Jesus at Communion.
When you think of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, you think maybe you did run Him out of your soul, because you certainly don’t have supernatural grace. I try to avoid companies that fun PP and get coffee or clothes from sweatshops, esp. things from in China or not buy them lightly. I don’t say mean things to rude students. I try to be understanding, but I get dragged around by my moods and sentiments and maybe I let myself. Maybe I haven’t worked a full day’s pay most days due to feeling sorry for myself, but I really don’t have teaching in me. Sophisticated games and planning lessons make me nervous, esp, as noone seems to care unless it’s hangman. I wonder if I’ve tried hard enough. Still, I’m a wreck and blame myself sometimes and blame others sometimes.
Well, I digressed quite a bit from semi-wakefulness, but I tend to write in flow of thought style, which is not really a style. Is there a list of indicators you are likely in a state of grace or not–sort of like how an apparition site is judged by its fruits in observing the fanbase, amongst other indicators? I can make kids and nursing home residents laugh with silly behavior, but I wonder if I’m just avoiding responsibility. One told me I ought to be a light for the students. As much theology as I’ve read ad heard, I’m still looking for one myself to understand me and be one I feel is, at the same time, not wishy-washy. For a melancholic, that’s hard, s I come here.
ThankYou!
I would love to pray all those hours I’m on the net (I’m happier, then, but if I screwed up, like spending too much time on myself, or I’m in a position where something will put me in the occasion of sin, I’m concerned I’ll never be able to maintain any healthy spirituality), but I get started on the net, thinking I’ll only be on for a short while, and the options of search terms takes longer than I thought to exhaust. I hope I’ll be done soon, when I do that, but I’m not. I’d like to hide the computer, but I’m overseas and my family use it to contact me. There’s not the libraries with the net near me, though I guess there are the PC rooms. Trying to say the words I do know and gesturing the rest falls apart, when they need to ask or say something. Like I said, though, I think I’ll be on a short time at home, despite previous experiences.
I’ve waned to go to confession more, but I’m thinking I need to show a sign that I mean I’m serious about not even being up late, but I am up late. I think it’s affecting my work (being up late–3AM comes so quickly!), but I think work problems effected it (they say no training and no experience in the ads, but you really do need it as most the elementary school kids in the most Confucian country don’t show respect to me as a teacher and older person and thus, I respect teachers, esp. in the wilder Western schools–well, respecting most college professors may take some time). I’ve gained much weight and stopped doing the fun things I used to like. I wonder if I’m just not bearing my cross, but the fact that my class disrupted another’s made it about more than just me. Guilt entered in to my job performance there in addition to that which I had, when my dad had to snowblow 5 times all that snow that fell last Winter and when I couldn’t be available for family and friend things because of my impulsive ill-thought-out trying out of EFL.
I don’t know if stress has done this, as I get more sense pleasure (not intentionally sensual) and obnoxious on discussion boards when stressed out. Anger on discussion groups is another thing I regret, but don’t know if I’m fully in charge of myself then, even though I intentionally complain about how things are going down the pot and feel I’d be a better person if clergy over the past 40 years had told us how it is and not made fuzzy-feeling Masses, made funny church buildings and moved Thursday holy days to Sunday. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have been put into as many moral dilemmas, for which I feel responsible, in addition to my own private ones. That can lead to resentment. Sometimes, I don’t know who to trust as a spiritual director. I think it m,ay be a loss of control over a situation. I had issues with my last boss and a couple others and, before I knew when, I got very cranky on the road and got sleep deprivation.
Job stress, worthlessness, guilt feeling I’m not living my vocation, scrupulosity, being mad at myself for my errors, plus bad sleep make me wonder if these are signs of not being in a state of sanctifying grace or if these are good excuses for weak behavior. I heard a sermon that said if you are leading a good life, consider being with God your greatest desire and are not wanting to do anything to offend God, and are receiving Jesus at Communion you are in a state of grace and should not fear God’s wrath, but if you are scrupulous, you feel you are not doing the first, probably not doing the second, if you are entertained more b y other things, and thinking maybe you didn’t really care that God is offended, since you’re still doing it and so you do fear God’s wrath, feel you can’t do Confession correctly and don’t receive Jesus at Communion.
When you think of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, you think maybe you did run Him out of your soul, because you certainly don’t have supernatural grace. I try to avoid companies that fun PP and get coffee or clothes from sweatshops, esp. things from in China or not buy them lightly. I don’t say mean things to rude students. I try to be understanding, but I get dragged around by my moods and sentiments and maybe I let myself. Maybe I haven’t worked a full day’s pay most days due to feeling sorry for myself, but I really don’t have teaching in me. Sophisticated games and planning lessons make me nervous, esp, as noone seems to care unless it’s hangman. I wonder if I’ve tried hard enough. Still, I’m a wreck and blame myself sometimes and blame others sometimes.
Well, I digressed quite a bit from semi-wakefulness, but I tend to write in flow of thought style, which is not really a style. Is there a list of indicators you are likely in a state of grace or not–sort of like how an apparition site is judged by its fruits in observing the fanbase, amongst other indicators? I can make kids and nursing home residents laugh with silly behavior, but I wonder if I’m just avoiding responsibility. One told me I ought to be a light for the students. As much theology as I’ve read ad heard, I’m still looking for one myself to understand me and be one I feel is, at the same time, not wishy-washy. For a melancholic, that’s hard, s I come here.
ThankYou!