Big families: another look

[whatevergirl]

I can see it from both sides…I was one of two siblings, but my parents died when I was barely 10. So, I’m not the norm, I wouldn’t say. My sister had to raise me practically, but my husband is one of nine, and there have been some serious dysfunctional issues in his family, although, they are all pretty close as brothers and sisters. I think some of the kids were dysfunctional, because the dad was from the old school–kids should be seen, not heard. He has a brother or two who are still hung up on that…

I have two kids, and they are doing very well academically (well now that my son got his homework turning in ) and they are emotionally well adjusted. I think that it boils down to faith. If you make that your family’s anchor in life, no matter what size your family–your kids hopefully will turn out just fine. There are always exceptions to the rule. My husband and one other brother are the only practicing Catholics, other than his mom, left in the family.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

My only response to your thread, is I hope that you spend as much time finding the GOOD in these (or any) families as you do the bad!!!

Just my :twocents:

 

[waterdog]

Well, I think a lot of positive things have been said about big families. I am glad I started this thread. I didn’t really want it to become a shouting match, but I knew it was a sensitive subject. Everyone has done quite well and I thank you.

I work with the schools so I am very aware that small families have major dysfunction. My initial observation grew from an observation of families who were really trying to raise healthy moral children bit seemed to end up just struggling to ride herd.

Let me show you how I have grown through this conversation. I revisit my initial admiration of large families. I certainly never meant to make a bold blanket statement that critisized all large families.

I think the favorite in my recollection was an a big family in MA that we lived with when I was a kid. My German mother had a fit living in their mess but l realize that I have become more like that red headed Corsican mama than my own mother. They had fourteen kids in all One or two are now priests. One married an SDA and went over to that denom. I don’t know what is up with the rest of them. They had plenty of money and the main thing that stands out in my mind is the dogs and cats all over the house.

I retain my concern that it must be harder to really spend one on one with each child. But an observant mother could certainly make it happen.

I also believe that a woman’s mental and emotional and physical health fairs better when children are two or three years apart.

 

[MomaMary8]

I have been watching large Catholic families for a number of years now. At first all I saw was big happy generous families. Then as my kids got older ( I have four and am open to more but my nonCatholic husband is afraid) and as I really watched these families grow I started to see something.

I think that the more kids you have the less able you are to be really involved with each child. . I see a dad sitting on the couch with 3 kids all reading the same book. I see a group of kids huddled on their mom’s bed, while she’s bed ridden, sharing the day at school. I see children coming one at a time to my room for help with their homework. I see children with emotional problems not addressed. I see an older brother telling me what the real reason is for his sister crying so I can help her better. I see children learning compassion for the little one who skinned their knee. I see kids stepping back and letting the child who had a hard day pick the movie on movie night, showing love and compassion I see small children with the same kind of grab and run mentality that you see in batches of kittens fighting for food. I see kids making sure everyone had a piece of cake before they take seconds. I see children learning their is a limit to all resources, and we must not waste, and we must make sure all are taken care of. I see children willingly putting others first. I see families focussing on discipline as crowd control and keeping food and clothes going, while the fussier business of emotional and mental health goes begging I see people watching as we step out the large van door. I see the looks of condemnations because we have more children than deemed “prudent.” I see the emails written to a 15 yr old, degrading the birth of his new brother. I see 7 children behaving, while 1 child misbehaves. I also hear the murmurs of “too many” for the reason why one is being rambunctions, but not the reason why 7 children behaved, held the doors open, helped pick up something somebody dropped, etc. I see teenagers very often throwing off faith and morals and even running away from home. I see a teenager growing up, and people blaming the mother rather than that child’s fee will. I look at how on the ball I have to be with my teens watching their moods and helping them through storms and knowing how much one on one they need and I wonder how a mom with four under seven keeps up with teens in her house.

I think that in this day and age physical danger is not as present as is emotional and social danger and that kind of protection takes a lot of emotional energy that isn’t always in huge supply when a mom is physically constantly on the move with her little ones. How does this apply to JUST large families? Aren’t working parents in the same position, what about families that have their kids in too many sports, activities, etc?

Now I will stand back and allow you do beat me with a big stick, and humbly so. But I would also like to hear from people who have had similar ponderings.You haven’t said anythig new. I know I live in a fishbowl, and if one of my children step out of line or I ask a younger one to hold a baby, etc, people will say its because I have more than the recommened # of children. You are my reminder to be on my toes, people are watching (and judging).

The more children I have, the more I treasure each child and the more their uniquness (and unique needs) is amplified. The more I have, the more I trust God to give me the strength I need to be their mother. The more children I have, the more sad I feel when I hear or read how “wrong” it is to be a part of God’s creation of a little soul.

All parents can mess up. Its not dependent on the number of children they have.

 

[monicatholic]

interesting thread.

as mom to ten, [our second (age 23) being a real wild card (though number 1 has had his own troubles, though matured in wisdom and grace)] i have to admit i’ve seen similar problems that ***seem ***specific to large families. the good folks here on CAF were displeased with me when i expressed similar misgivings about the famous family with 17 kids.

but is it the size of the family that’s to blame? i don’t think so. i think it’s the parent’s perspective on the individual dignity of each person in the family, as opposed to ‘another mouth to feed’ or ‘another soldier in God’s army’ or ‘the goalie for our soccer team.’ God calls parents to view each child as unique, unrepeatable gifts from HIM to be cherished for themselves. parents can succeed in that or fail in that regardless of the amount of children they have.

our kids are all about three years apart (ages 27 through 2 years) and i’m sure that spacing has helped me to stay more aware of my kids’ unique needs and emotions. breastfeeding into toddlerhood has helped a lot too. homeschooling has also helped, (though if i used a packaged curriculum, i’d go nuts.)

my husband is a wonderful man, generous, available, and happy. it helps most of all that he genuinely likes to be with us-- with each of us and with the whole gang. he doesn’t expect me to get the kids to Mass every day. he doesn’t expect an unnaturally neat house, fancy meals. so i’m not harried and under pressure.

my kids do chores, but have much time for their own enjoyment. we’ve had our share of problems. people have expressed genuine admiration that we are so ‘in tuned’ to our kids, but i confess, i’ve missed some things that have shocked us later.

conversely, since we’ve had a BIG family (6, 7 or 8 kids) i’ve been MORE vigilant than when I had just a few. i’m more mature, more willing to sacrifice myself and more grateful for our children. our younger kids are definitely getting the better part of my mothering. whether or not we had many, my older kids still had a young, selfish, distracted mother. a small family size wouldn’t have changed that.

i’ve told my older kids i wish they had the mom their younger siblings have. but love covers a multitude of sins, mistakes, and failures. my love joined with God’s love can accomplish that.

.

 

[NMJenny]

My wife and I have four kids. All girls! Wish me luck during the teenage years when they will be aged 13, 15, 17, & 19. :bigyikes:

I always said that nobody ever told me when I had five kids under seven (with #6 coming along shortly after), that would mean I would have five teenagers at one time…