Birth control problem

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davidharper

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I know I’m beating a dead horse here but here goes; thirty years ago my wife was advised by her doctor that her next pregnancy would probably kill her. She suffers from a blood disorder which impairs blood clotting. When she delivered our third daughter she hemorrhaged and almost died
I asked our priest if it would be acceptable for us to use birth control and he said that catholic teaching forbids the use of artificial birth control. Then he said, off the record was how he put it, that in our case whatever we decided would be our decision and ours alone and that he would welcome us in the congregation no questions asked. He didn’t mention communion. So we did, for obvious reasons, decide to use birth control. I had no problem with any of this but my wife did. She felt that the prohibition on taking communion made her an “outcast”. My question , then is, what should she have done? Quit the church? Take communion anyway?
 
davidharper said:
I know I’m beating a dead horse here but here goes; thirty years ago my wife was advised by her doctor that her next pregnancy would probably kill her. She suffers from a blood disorder which impairs blood clotting. When she delivered our third daughter she hemorrhaged and almost died
I asked our priest if it would be acceptable for us to use birth control and he said that catholic teaching forbids the use of artificial birth control. Then he said, off the record was how he put it, that in our case whatever we decided would be our decision and ours alone and that he would welcome us in the congregation no questions asked. He didn’t mention communion. So we did, for obvious reasons, decide to use birth control. I had no problem with any of this but my wife did. She felt that the prohibition on taking communion made her an “outcast”. My question , then is, what should she have done? Quit the church? Take communion anyway?
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While ABC can be used in certain circumstances medically, if the primary use is to prevent pregnancy then ABC is forbidden.
The only two options would be NFP and abstaining.
 
I am not sure it matters at this point what she should have done 30 years ago.

What matters is what she does going forward. Perhaps she should make an appointment with a priest for confession. She can discuss her actions with him and he can advise and hear her confession.
 
davidharper said:
what should she have done?
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When we have a serious reason to avoid pregnancy, we are called to abstain, either periodically or completely. Periodic abstinence can be achieved through observing the signs of fertility, commonly called “natural family planning”.

There are many scientific methods. Those that would have been available to you at that time include sympto-thermal (taught through the couple to couple league at that time), Billings, and Creighton. All very solid methods.

Now, in addition to those there are several that use fertility monitors in addition to observations, such as Marquette.
davidharper said:
Quit the church?
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I’m not sure why you would ask this. As Peter said, to whom should we go?

What we should always do is strive to be faithful, even when it calls for sacrifices. I’m sorry that the priest told you church teaching but then gave you the “wink wink”, which led you astray. That was wrong of him.
davidharper said:
Take communion anyway?
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Not when we are aware of grave matter against the commandments. No one here can say what you and she knew vs didn’t know, how much the priest’s confusing mixed message weighs on the matter, your own knowledge and faith formation, fear of the pregnancy complications, etc.

What’s past is past. My advice is that you both go to confession and be at peace about what cannot be changed.
 
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I have a dear friend who’s wife is in exactly the same situation. They have used NFP for the past 9 years to avoid pregnancy which could kill her. It is a large cross to bear, but it is a large crown awaiting them, too.

You cannot do evil so that good may come. I’d talk to a different priest about this. Even more so, I’d consider communicating with the National Catholic Bioethics Center. They were established precisely to guide American Catholics in these medical ethics dilemmas.
 
Your wife was and is a wanted and loved child of God, not an outcast from the community. ❤️ It sounds like this is causing/caused her suffering. I’d encourage her to approach a different priest and talk this over. Maybe make an appointment rather than go to the confessional line, so she doesn’t feel rushed. We here cannot offer the same solace that the priest can, since this might involve examining her conscience or confession, if that is what would help her best.

What should she have done? I don’t know the pressures she was under, nor what knowledge and experience she had, so I don’t know how she viewed her available choices. Not knowing any of that, I can’t say if she would have seen herself as being obliged to avoid taking communion. “Anyone aware of having sinned mortally”, should not approach communion unless they first go to confession, etc. CCC 1415.

The teaching of the Church is that one can abstain or periodically abstain, but not use contraception.
 
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why would she go to confession? she hasn’t done anything wrong.
 
There is an important difference between actual sin and disobeying church teaching. Also advice to “find a more absolutist priest” who will make us feel more guilty and sinful doesn’t really work for any intelligent person. Our priest was obviously very good. There was no “mixed message”. He simply told us church teaching and then followed that by being honest and realistic. Over 90% of catholic women have used ABC at some point in their lives. This is a fact.We wound up going to a Christian evangelical church in Illinois (Willow Creek Community church).
 
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One should avoid doing the right thing if it means there will be suffering as a result?
 
I will admit, this is the only part of the Church’s teachings on birth control that I struggle with, when the life of the mother is in grave danger.

Church teaching would be NFP and abstinence. Don’t worry about what “should” have happened in the past, but look to the future. I’m saying a prayer for your difficult situation
 
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