Bisexual thoughts

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I have been reading on the Courage site. I too am haunted repeatedly about thoughts of being bisexual. I have never acted upon them. But it has been since childhood. I am married with two children. I do everything I can to not be around the thoughts or exposure, ie not watching “House” after the bisexual episode. I have never acted. I have never even openly talked about it to anyone, coul dnever my priest becuase I am very active in the church.
One of the comments in Courage section was that thinking and acting are two different things. That I may be just wanting affection and attention by another woman becuase “she” could understand me. I pray consitantly and when the thoughts come I pray. I go to adoration, Mass, study the bible. Ido feel relief at times but it is like a thorn in my side. I figure it is the Cross that Jesus wants me to carry in my life. But it is getting harder.
I know I need to pray, I know I need to “focus on the Cross”. It does help for awhile. But am I going to feel this the rest of my life? Sex with my own husband is difficult, I don’t feel a whole lot. I think that adds to me feeling this way.
Any words of wisdom?
 
I sense that your feelings for women are a bit deeper than my response may seem to acknowledge, but I also want to stress that women do need other women for support and even affection - not talking about sexual interactions, but the kind of pure friendship affection that is present in many female relationships.

Do you have close women friends that you get to hang with and chat about with? That might fill a void for you.

I also recommend that you do find a priest to talk to - they have seen and heard so much! It’s almost like feeling modest about seeing a gynecologist the first time, and then you realize that this is nothing the doc hasn’t seen a million times before, and that you are seeing the doctor for his or her medical knowledge, and thank heavens someone studies women’s health!

A priest needs to hear of this - not to share as gossip or to shake his head about your struggles, but to help pull you through! You see him for his spiritual insight, and the experience he has helping so many others with problems, whether similar to yours or not.

Your priest knowing this “dark secret” about you will make his understanding of you and his respect for you deeper. If it cannot be the priest at your parish, do seek one out somewhere nearby.
 
Is sex with your husband ‘difficult’ because you are thinking of women? Or is it difficult because the two of you need some professional therapy to work on your sex life and/or other aspects of your relationship?

True intimacy extends well beyond the bedroom, and is not limited to sex. Usually, the sexual relationship is a window into “other” issues couples often face. Maybe this is why you don’t “feel” a whole lot with him when you have sex. Maybe something is in the way of your TRUE intimacy with each other(?)
:hmmm:
 
I’m in complete agreement with the other two posts addressing your concerns. A large part of your struggle is that you are doing it alone. Supportive counseling is the way to go here.

We live in a hypersexual culture that corrodes the pillars of chastity. A supportive Priest is a good start, but I suspect that a good counselor who is not opposed to Catholicism will help you resolve some deeper matters of turmoil.

Start by seeing yourself as good, and worthy. That’s how Jesus sees you. When you pray for deliverance, do not blind yourself to the fact that God uses other people to do the delivering-people such as priests and counselors. That’s why He gives us the Church. And don’t be ashamed of these feelings or yourself for having them. Read 1 Cointhians 10:13

The way out is through the healing process of supportive counseling and the love you share with your husband. You are in my prayers. 👍
 
Perhaps I am missing something, but isn’t this very similar to “I am thinking of other men who are not my husband”?

Does the response really change because of a bisexual attraction?

All of us who are married forsake everyone else
 
PaulinVA said:
Perhaps I am missing something, but isn’t this very similar to “I am thinking of other men who are not my husband”?

Does the response really change because of a bisexual attraction?

All of us who are married forsake everyone else
Click to expand...
It is very similar and the response doesn’t change in any significant way. The great error of our day is to think that the murky thoughts that come unbidden in our minds is the true reality and rejecting them is “repression”. T’ain’t so.
 
PaulinVA said:
Perhaps I am missing something, but isn’t this very similar to “I am thinking of other men who are not my husband”?

Does the response really change because of a bisexual attraction?

All of us who are married forsake everyone else
Click to expand...
Yep. My hunch is that something needs to be done to facilitate the “turning towards” the spouse rather than the “turning away from” the spouse. Some Catholic marriage counseling may be in order here. imho
 
So I think that this thread deserves a mix of understanding and “wake up woman!”. What you are going through is not unique but you are at a crossroads in your life right now. One that will lead you closer to God (and your husband in turn) or down a road that unfortunately my wife went down (and I never had a clue that she was struggling with this-see my posts). My wife’s struggle led to divorce and unimaginable pain that still continues today.

I think everyone has a deep struggle that is secretive. But there is a great relief when it is no longer hidden like a rock in your shoe. I still wish my wife was more honest with me about her struggle. I would’ve been by her side and been much more understanding about her struggles with sexual intimacy. I also would’ve been there to support her as she sought out the reasons of why she has this struggle. To be honest, I still pray for her. For her, this issue isn’t about wanting to be with a girl but having a hole in her heart from having an absent mother. A hole that only God can truly fill.

I recently read an excellent book called the Spiritual Combat by Lawrence Scupoli. It talks about how to conquer our temptations.
One thing you are doing right now that the book talks about not doing is focusing on your trigger that leads you to sin. It has become an obsession for you even if you are trying to avoiding actually committing a sin. First, realize that you are powerless over these thoughts, they are placed there by the enemy who HATES you and is trying to DESTROY everything sacred to you. After this step, focus on developing a relationship with God that helps you to conquer them. When you are tempted, don’t think of NOT thinking of that thought but meditate on Christ’s love and his sacred wounds that have saved you. Only through him, can you conquer this problem.

What God has given you is not a cross but a challenge. With His help, you are strong enough to conquer your passion and redirect that desire towards a loving family and husband. Right now you are in a marriage that regardless of its difficulties has tremendous potential to bear fruit. Our world says “be happy, go with what feels right.” But don’t allow yourself to be led by the fleeting passions of your heart. LEAD your heart, don’t follow it. You have a family that loves you, that depends on you and needs you. Focus on that. Focus on loving your husband even when you don’t feel like it. In fact spend at least equal time focusing on your husband as you are focusing on your struggle. You might be amazed at where the direction of your heart goes.

I will be praying for you. I know this is tough. But YOU CAN DO THIS. Do NOT give up. God is drawing close to you right now in your struggle.
 
By the way, fellow CAFers, I ask for your prayers for my wife. She needs our help. Over a year later with no contact, I still pray and believe in the restoration of my marriage. God is amazing. He can and does change hearts. Our prayers are much more effective than our postings on this forum!

On another note to the OP, a great Christian band is Tenth Avenue North. Their songs “Beloved” and “Times” are great to just sit in a room alone, close your eyes and listen to them.
 
Thank you all for your advice. Adoration, confession and true prayer have helped me tremendously. realizing that Satan was tugging at me and following Christ helped me. All of your advice is so wonderful and thank you.🙂
 
Hello Friend,

I too have the same thoughts of sex all the time and nowadays I overcome these thoughts through prayers. In your case, you are thinking about bisexual but me thinking about having sex with someone… and finally it ends up with masturbation. It started long years back.

In all my thoughts, I needed a lady to share my sexual thoughts and if possible I want to sex with her… And finally I met a lady and I realize that, that thoughts were really foolish… It all comes from Satan and his trap.

The best thing you can do is, continue the same life you are following like reading Bible, going to church, confession etc… Hope that you will recover from this habit soon. At the same time, you MUST control these thoughts whenever it start to come to your life.

I am facing the same situation of temptation and I know how difficult is the situation but it is possible to win this fight with the power of Holy Spirit…

I will remember you on my prayers… don’t feel that, you can’t never get rid of this habit…Even you failed, you must start the new life soon.

One good thing about this temptation is, we are always trying to keep in touch with Jesus and really depend on Him and thus getting strong faith on Him day by day…

Good luck friend

God Bless You.
 
lolo4 said:
I Sex with my own husband is difficult, I don’t feel a whole lot. I think that adds to me feeling this way.
Click to expand...
Why not tell just your husband he isn’t taking care of your needs? Just tell him directly what he needs to do to make things better for you. If you don’t communicate with him how is he supposed to know how to please you? Men are terrible mind readers.

FWIW, I have also struggled with the temptation to have an affair. Just pray, receive the sacraments, and work on your marriage and you can overcome the temptation. If it is possible I think a weekend marriage retreat would be a lot of help. 👍
 
lolo4 said:
I have been reading on the Courage site. I too am haunted repeatedly about thoughts of being bisexual. I have never acted upon them. But it has been since childhood. I am married with two children. I do everything I can to not be around the thoughts or exposure, ie not watching “House” after the bisexual episode. I have never acted. I have never even openly talked about it to anyone, coul dnever my priest becuase I am very active in the church.
One of the comments in Courage section was that thinking and acting are two different things. That I may be just wanting affection and attention by another woman becuase “she” could understand me. I pray consitantly and when the thoughts come I pray. I go to adoration, Mass, study the bible. Ido feel relief at times but it is like a thorn in my side. I figure it is the Cross that Jesus wants me to carry in my life. But it is getting harder.
I know I need to pray, I know I need to “focus on the Cross”. It does help for awhile. But am I going to feel this the rest of my life? Sex with my own husband is difficult, I don’t feel a whole lot. I think that adds to me feeling this way.
Any words of wisdom?
Click to expand...
Okay, I’m bisexual - or at least, I’ll say that I’ve been attracted primarily to women, and only secondarily to men, since I hit puberty. And yes, I’ve been involved with both. (Have I said before that I’ve had a wild past? Wasn’t exaggerating)

My gut feeling is that you and your husband are having problems and you’re using this bi-curious thing as an excuse to avoid those problems. It’s not as though you have fallen in love - or in lust - with a specific woman. (And cheating on your husband with a woman is STILL cheating!!) You’re romanticizing “other women”, and that’s no different than romanticizing “some other man would understand me”.

Here’s a tip from my experience - you’re not going to find anything with a woman (other than different body parts and a tendency to reflect back all of your own bad traits!) that you won’t find in your husband. Women are not going to “understand” you better. They are definitely not more romantic - although they all want to receive romance from their partner! It’s a myth that a woman will know your body and be a better lover. (They don’t, they aren’t)

Of course, if you’re actually gay, that’s a different deal, but I’ll bet anything that you’re not. I’ve met quite a few bi-curious married women - every one of them was actually straight and once the fantasy of “being with a woman” was satisfied, they were left with the realization that they were straight and now had to deal with the effects of infidelity on their marriages!

The only difference between you and a completely opposite-sex-attracted person is that you find a wider variety of people potentially attractive. It does not make you less able to remain monogamous. Bisexual people are quite capable of emotional and physical fidelity. You still made promises to your husband, and you still owe it to him to try and fix your marital problems before looking elsewhere.
 
I was thinking the same thing. Of course that doesn’t lessen your pain that you feel. I agree with you that you feel you have a cross to carry. It sounds like you are doing many of the things that we would all suggest you do, except maybe you should open up and talk to a priest. Of get in touch with a Catholic support group. I am glad you went to the courage website. You have my prayers.
PaulinVA said:
Perhaps I am missing something, but isn’t this very similar to “I am thinking of other men who are not my husband”?

Does the response really change because of a bisexual attraction?

All of us who are married forsake everyone else
Click to expand...
 
Interesting post. Thanks for sharing MarieCB.
MarieCB said:
Okay, I’m bisexual - or at least, I’ll say that I’ve been attracted primarily to women, and only secondarily to men, since I hit puberty. And yes, I’ve been involved with both. (Have I said before that I’ve had a wild past? Wasn’t exaggerating)

My gut feeling is that you and your husband are having problems and you’re using this bi-curious thing as an excuse to avoid those problems. It’s not as though you have fallen in love - or in lust - with a specific woman. (And cheating on your husband with a woman is STILL cheating!!) You’re romanticizing “other women”, and that’s no different than romanticizing “some other man would understand me”.

Here’s a tip from my experience - you’re not going to find anything with a woman (other than different body parts and a tendency to reflect back all of your own bad traits!) that you won’t find in your husband. Women are not going to “understand” you better. They are definitely not more romantic - although they all want to receive romance from their partner! It’s a myth that a woman will know your body and be a better lover. (They don’t, they aren’t)

Of course, if you’re actually gay, that’s a different deal, but I’ll bet anything that you’re not. I’ve met quite a few bi-curious married women - every one of them was actually straight and once the fantasy of “being with a woman” was satisfied, they were left with the realization that they were straight and now had to deal with the effects of infidelity on their marriages!

The only difference between you and a completely opposite-sex-attracted person is that you find a wider variety of people potentially attractive. It does not make you less able to remain monogamous. Bisexual people are quite capable of emotional and physical fidelity. You still made promises to your husband, and you still owe it to him to try and fix your marital problems before looking elsewhere.
Click to expand...
 
Scottgun said:
It is very similar and the response doesn’t change in any significant way. The great error of our day is to think that the murky thoughts that come unbidden in our minds is the true reality and rejecting them is “repression”. T’ain’t so.
Click to expand...
Are you queer? If so, you probably don’t really know what you’re talking about. It’s hard to understand what others’ temptations are like if you don’t have them. I have no idea what it’s like to be tempted by drugs and alcohol, as that’s not really a problem for me, so I don’t presume that I can compare someone’s problems with something else and say it’s not really an issue.
 
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