Bitter about singlehood

[Galandriel]

I love your honesty and courage and fidelity to our Holy Mother Church!!!

I may not agree with you on all aspects, (personally, someone who made mistakes in the past and wishes to save themselves for marriage is a beautiful thing IMHO. Yes, it would hurt, I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t, but I would hurt more for my future spouses pain that he went through versus my own selfish desire to physically be his first. Is it good to be selfish? I think it’s understandable to want your future spouse to be a virgin, but there is something truly beautiful in seeing God love in your future spouses life and calling them to a more pure love.) there is something to offer up in your sufferings. For your future family. For your future husband. If it’s God’s Will.

Remember, everything will happen in His time. I think just loving God, striving to do His Will, in our trying times, will lead you straight to your future husband, if it’s God’s Will. I’ll be praying for ya!

I will not downplay your obstacles, but don’t forget: He will plan bigger and better than you ever dreamed of. Trust in that. Like a child. It’s hard. But as Padre Pio said, “If you pray, why worry? If you worry, why pray?”

I myself plan on raising Pope-loving Mary-hailing little Romans, if it’s God’s Will!!!

+JMJ
God Bless

 

[Sierrah]

I am not “waiting for someone to sweep me off of my feet” nor am I so delusional as to think that having a boyfriend will solve all of my problems…I am fully aware that there are people who are dealing with far worse. I do have many friends, the problem is that there is no male who is comfortable with my particular situations enough to date me at this time. I’ve had plenty of offers from non-Catholics and even two instances where a man who identified as gay asked me out! So, it’s not a matter of lack of quantity, it’s a lack of quality that I find infuriating. I am a virgin, I’m Goth, I’m moral…I’m brutally honest. All I ask for is the same from a guy.

You’re only 21 give it some time at your age that’s something you have lots of. I can’t guarantee you’ll ever find anyone…I surly haven’t but focus on others and maybe try some things outside your comfort zone. I’ve done that the last decade and while I’m still single I’m also enjoying life and I’m twice your age almost.

 

[djeter]

Hi Amanda:

On one of your other posts you wrote:

“Since I have never been comfortable as a woman, I find it difficult to approach Our Lady.”

It was difficult for me to understand Mary and it wasn’t’ until I read a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins that I finally began to understand who she was. The poem is within this article on Hopkins

payingattentiontothesky.com/2009/07/24/gerard-manley-hopkins/

I hope you find it helpful

dj

 

[mPR]

Hello Amanda~

Let me start by saying that, speaking as a twenty year-old, you’re young! Chill out, enjoy your singlehood

You say you dress like and have many interests common to Goths. Do you want your future spouse to be a Goth too? I think, and you seem to think so too, that faithful Catholics in the Goth scene are rare, so the chances of finding a Catholic virgin Goth male who is attracted to you and to whom you’re also attracted are seriously slim to none. Please open up yourself to other possibilities. I think that often people have a pretty firm idea of what they want, but end up with someone different - not necessarily the total opposite, but different. I tend to like the pasty white, dark-haired, thin but with strong features, opinionated sort of guy, but fell for a mild-mannered redhead. Stranger things have happened.

If you keep the appearance of a male (and not just dress like a tomboy), men will assume you’re a lesbian, and not just any lesbian, but the “I have embraced by sexuality” kind. You want a man with high moral standards - will this sort of man approach as a potential mate a woman he thinks is a sexually active lesbian? It’s true you can’t judge a book by its cover, but the cover can certainly help you decide whether you want to read it. I’m not telling you to lie about your identity, but something like longer hair (assuming you have short hair) and feminine jewelry could help indicate that, heck, you like boys.

All in all, it’s cool that you’re proud of who you are, but remember that things like the way you dress, the decor on your room, and the sort of fiction you gravitate to are, in the grand scheme of things, trivial. Don’t be so enamored of your personality that it becomes an obstacle for God’s plan for you.

 

[AnimalGal]

Just one thing… Tis better to be alone than to wish you were.

Sadly, I went through a period of watching all my friends get married and thinking that I had to have the same lifestyle. I am so thankful that I snapped out of it. Now at this stage of life (am beyond 50) I am not open to children or marriage. I am open to a relationship, but it has become increasingly clear that men of my age group are not looking for women like me.
It took me a while to accept it, but I love my life as it is. And I believe it is the way it was meant to be.

There are so many things in life that are far worse than never marrying or never having children. I say enjoy who you are and don’t let anyone put a label on you. Life only becomes better.

 

[masha]

Norseman82;5523809]A_R_Smith,

You are not harsh nor unforgiving for wanting to be equally yoked to a fellow virgin…Any fornaicator who would give you grief over that lost any right to give you grief the second he “dropped trou”.

This is disgusting and offensive. Someone who has confessed his sin, been absolved, and worked hard to change his life and behaviour is still being labeled by that sin. God does not hold all our past sins against us. If you don’t believe in His ability to forgive and restore the contrite, what is the point of confession at all?

However, one thing you posted in one of the other threads you linked to is disturbing:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=5419604#post5419604

I do agree with this concern though. Amanda, if you intend to marry a man, have children, and then take hormones to make yourself more masculine-looking, it would be confusing for your children, difficult for your husband, and - depending on how effective the treatment, potentially a cause for scandal in the community (who may actually believe you and your husband are two ‘married’ Catholic men). If you intend to marry, you might want to spend sometime seriously considering the problems that this could cause you.

God bless,

Masha

 

[Norseman82]

This is disgusting and offensive. Someone who has confessed his sin, been absolved, and worked hard to change his life and behaviour is still being labeled by that sin. God does not hold all our past sins against us. If you don’t believe in His ability to forgive and restore the contrite, what is the point of confession at all?

Confession only restores sanctifying grace. It does not wipe away the consequences of sin. I have yet to hear of confession making someone unpregnant, curing an STD, or reassembling an aborted baby lying in pieces in a trash bag behind an abortion clinic. Similarly, a fornicator or fornicatrix no longer has the same 100% to return to the virgin who is giving 100% of himself/herself, confession or no confession.

But if you insist on someone who has been to confession no longer being “labeled” for their past actions, let me ask you this: would you extend the same courtesy to a pedophile who went to confession and then wanted to babysit your kids?

 

[Norseman82]

I do agree with this concern though. Amanda, if you intend to marry a man, have children, and then take hormones to make yourself more masculine-looking, it would be confusing for your children, difficult for your husband, and - depending on how effective the treatment, potentially a cause for scandal in the community (who may actually believe you and your husband are two ‘married’ Catholic men). If you intend to marry, you might want to spend sometime seriously considering the problems that this could cause you.

Amanda,

An additional concern is this: how would taking testosterone affect your ability to conceive/bear children? Remember, you stated that it would be to keep an “edge” and not for
medical reasons, so I don’t know if you would be taking this under the guidance of a qualified physician, so I could see the potential for things to go medically wrong. Additionally, your statement about removing your breasts because you don’t see any use for them (rather than for a medically necessary treatment) sounds like self-mutiliation, and CCC 2297 says that non-therapeutical mutilations are against the moral law (besides, if and when you have children, you may decide to breastfeed).

 

[whatevergirl]

Confession only restores sanctifying grace. It does not wipe away the consequences of sin. I have yet to hear of confession making someone unpregnant, curing an STD, or reassembling an aborted baby lying in pieces in a trash bag behind an abortion clinic. Similarly, a fornicator or fornicatrix no longer has the same 100% to return to the virgin who is giving 100% of himself/herself, confession or no confession.

But if you insist on someone who has been to confession no longer being “labeled” for their past actions, let me ask you this: would you extend the same courtesy to a pedophile who went to confession and then wanted to babysit your kids?

The difference is…pedophilia is rarely if ever ‘‘curable.’’ Losing one’s virginity before marriage is considered sinful, but it is not in the same league with pedophilia. I know you are making a general analogy–and I get the correlation. But, having sex before marriage is forgiven by God, if someone is truly repentant. The consequences of sex before marriage, I agree are oftentimes far reaching…sadly. My husband was a non virgin when we married…I waited for marriage. My husband gave himself 100% to me, yes he did. What he did with other women, is in the past…but as my husband, I don’t feel like I’m getting 1/2of a man. I don’t get your thinking sometimes with this, Norseman.

 

[Lainey63]

You’re one of those good apples at the top of the tree. Not too many will look at the top of the tree and not too many will attempt the climb. But there will be one who will spot that perfect apple at the top of the tree and climb that tree to get that apple. Let the others pick the apples from the ground. Someone will come along & you’ll probably won’t notice because It will happen when you’re not looking.

I used to pray…God I would like to have a husband, I think. Then sometimes I would pray for a husband for a couple of days, then tell God I was taking back my request & void my prayer…most of the time I like being single.

 

[Norseman82]

The difference is…pedophilia is rarely if ever ‘‘curable.’’ Losing one’s virginity before marriage is considered sinful, but it is not in the same league with pedophilia. I know you are making a general analogy–and I get the correlation. But, having sex before marriage is forgiven by God, if someone is truly repentant. The consequences of sex before marriage, I agree are oftentimes far reaching…sadly. My husband was a non virgin when we married…I waited for marriage. My husband gave himself 100% to me, yes he did. What he did with other women, is in the past…but as my husband, I don’t feel like I’m getting 1/2of a man. I don’t get your thinking sometimes with this, Norseman.

Some people can overlook being “shortchanged” or “not coming in equally” to a relationship or however you want to call it…some can’t. The problem is, here on CAF those who can’t overlook being “shortchanged” or “unequal” are often given grief over it. When I saw signs of that earlier in that thread, I responded to defend A_R_Smith.

I’m glad you get the analogy/correlation - I’m the type of person who can take things to their logical conclusion.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Oh, was that logic you were using? j/k

I didn’t overlook anything, Norseman…we all have shortcomings that we bring to any relationship. I didn’t consider myself ‘‘better’’ than my husband for waiting, and he didn’t wait… But, you and I have bumped into each other in these threads before, and I don’t believe in giving someone grief over it either. I do understand your point of view, we’ve talked about the whole square peg in a round hole kind of thing. But, please don’t think those of us who waited until marriage and married non virgins, settled. I know that I didn’t. But, if you feel like YOU’D be settling, that is only for you to decide–'tis true.

Sorry OP for going OT.

To the OP–I will hold you in my prayers. I remember thinking I’d never marry and I was a mere 20 yrs old when I declared that, so if you are called to marriage or not…leave the results in God’s hands. Live your life with great joy…like St Paul teaches…he was content with a little, content with a lot. Always be content right where you are…God will give you the purpose for your life, just keep listening. *

 

[A_R_Smith]

Ladies and Gentlemen - this is my farewell response.

I came to this forum for friendship, guidance and maybe even a chance at finding my future spouse, however remote the odds. I was never expecting anyone to agree with my thoughts on the possibility - not certainty, of taking hormones for a brief time and removing or reducing my breasts. While I truly appreciate and dearly thank everyone for all of the concern and advice…it is quite upsetting to read how many who have offered their views advise that perhaps I am better off single or that I am too close-minded due to wanting a virgin, Catholic and Goth spouse. The reason I will not budge on this is due to the fact that 99% of Goth men I have met do not let trivial things, such as whether or not their wife looks feminine enough, concern them. A mature person, regardless of gender should not care about the femininity of the wife or masculinity of the husband. I will not become a feminine person just to make someone comfortable. If it is such a problem for them to handle, they can take a hike. I would never expect my husband to be the shining paragon of extreme masculinity. If he decided to cook or play dollies with our daughters, it would never reduce my view of him as a man!

In regards to making things “difficult” for my husband…this is the precise reason why I will tell him about my issues first, before courting! I am not trying to cause scandals, I know that my condition is a physical and psychological one…most of which cannot be ‘fixed’. Honestly, I wish I could wake up ‘normal’, but such is life that God, for some unknown reason, fated that I be born as an XX chromosome-aligned intersex person who thinks of themself in male terms. Wearing perfumes, adding more feminine touches to my wardrobe…none of these will make me enjoy being a woman. To the individual who suggested that I am ‘enamored of my personality’: that remark is insulting to me on many levels, not the least of which is insinuating that I am too prideful and narcissistic to rationally know what traits in a spouse are truly non-negotiable.

Tapadh leat & Beannacht Dé leat (Thank you & God’s blessings with you)
A_R_Smith

Post Scriptum: To my friends on this forum, my e-mail address and Skype link are on my profile.

 

[masha]

Ladies and Gentlemen - this is my farewell response.

I came to this forum for friendship, guidance and maybe even a chance at finding my future spouse, however remote the odds. I was never expecting anyone to agree with my thoughts on the possibility - not certainty, of taking hormones for a brief time and removing or reducing my breasts. While I truly appreciate and dearly thank everyone for all of the concern and advice…it is quite upsetting to read how many who have offered their views advise that perhaps I am better off single or that I am too close-minded due to wanting a virgin, Catholic and Goth spouse. The reason I will not budge on this is due to the fact that 99% of Goth men I have met do not let trivial things, such as whether or not their wife looks feminine enough, concern them. A mature person, regardless of gender should not care about the femininity of the wife or masculinity of the husband. I will not become a feminine person just to make someone comfortable. If it is such a problem for them to handle, they can take a hike. I would never expect my husband to be the shining paragon of extreme masculinity. If he decided to cook or play dollies with our daughters, it would never reduce my view of him as a man!

In regards to making things “difficult” for my husband…this is the precise reason why I will tell him about my issues first, before courting! I am not trying to cause scandals, I know that my condition is a physical and psychological one…most of which cannot be ‘fixed’. Honestly, I wish I could wake up ‘normal’, but such is life that God, for some unknown reason, fated that I be born as an XX chromosome-aligned intersex person who thinks of themself in male terms. Wearing perfumes, adding more feminine touches to my wardrobe…none of these will make me enjoy being a woman. To the individual who suggested that I am ‘enamored of my personality’: that remark is insulting to me on many levels, not the least of which is insinuating that I am too prideful and narcissistic to rationally know what traits in a spouse are truly non-negotiable.

What were you hoping for? I saw no one on this thread being harsh or close-minded. I’m disappointed, you ought to reread this thread - remembering that you asked for advice and support, and that usually involves constructive criticism. I hope you’ll reconsider your decision, I can tell you from personal experience that cutting and running at the first sign of argument makes for a lonely life.

God bless,
Masha

 

[Sierrah]

Ladies and Gentlemen - this is my farewell response.

I came to this forum for friendship, guidance and maybe even a chance at finding my future spouse, however remote the odds. I was never expecting anyone to agree with my thoughts on the possibility - not certainty, of taking hormones for a brief time and removing or reducing my breasts. While I truly appreciate and dearly thank everyone for all of the concern and advice…it is quite upsetting to read how many who have offered their views advise that perhaps I am better off single or that I am too close-minded due to wanting a virgin, Catholic and Goth spouse. The reason I will not budge on this is due to the fact that 99% of Goth men I have met do not let trivial things, such as whether or not their wife looks feminine enough, concern them. A mature person, regardless of gender should not care about the femininity of the wife or masculinity of the husband. I will not become a feminine person just to make someone comfortable. If it is such a problem for them to handle, they can take a hike. I would never expect my husband to be the shining paragon of extreme masculinity. If he decided to cook or play dollies with our daughters, it would never reduce my view of him as a man!

In regards to making things “difficult” for my husband…this is the precise reason why I will tell him about my issues first, before courting! I am not trying to cause scandals, I know that my condition is a physical and psychological one…most of which cannot be ‘fixed’. Honestly, I wish I could wake up ‘normal’, but such is life that God, for some unknown reason, fated that I be born as an XX chromosome-aligned intersex person who thinks of themself in male terms. Wearing perfumes, adding more feminine touches to my wardrobe…none of these will make me enjoy being a woman. To the individual who suggested that I am ‘enamored of my personality’: that remark is insulting to me on many levels, not the least of which is insinuating that I am too prideful and narcissistic to rationally know what traits in a spouse are truly non-negotiable.

Tapadh leat & Beannacht Dé leat (Thank you & God’s blessings with you)
A_R_Smith

Post Scriptum: To my friends on this forum, my e-mail address and Skype link are on my profile.

Ok there’s something you’ve got to understand if you post stuff on the net. “Don’t take it to heart” Also if you ask for advice and support be prepared to hear some stuff you might not want to listen to. Everybody sees things differently because of differences in personality and experience. I was very much like you in my early 20s but that was before the Goth movement existed. It was known as the Punk or Burnout scene. Being in your early 20s you still have some of that I’m right and know it all mentality that belongs to someone just emerging into the adult world and you’re still growing and changing. Just sit back and enjoy the ride for now. You’ve got plenty of time to worry about a relationship. Maybe you need to grow more. If someone gives you advice you don’t like just thank them and catalog it. Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten came years ago when I was too young to accept it.