Both spouses committed adultery

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Godloves1

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Dear all readers,

I’ve been married for 4 and together for 7 years. Throughout the whole relationship, we were faithful (I assume he was), until I realized he has been hiding, lying, job-hopping and owing debts, and immersing himself with other activities instead of communicating with me. I was devastated and requested for a divorce or separation if he continues to do those.
After we were married, we only had sex once or twice per year and had to schedule or reschedule our intimate sessions due to him being tired. He admitted that it was a hassle and I was too heavy for him. I was neglected occasionally, And I was suicidal then.

At my new job, after 1 year of break due to my anxiety and depression attacks, I met someone though it was unintentional. He was sweet and kind although he did not confess But he did try to ask me out as a friend. I knew he likes me and vulnerable as I was, I decided to reciprocate. I suffered many dilemmas and succumbed to temptations again and again.
I’m a Catholic and my husband is a Protestant, we married in a Presbyterian Church.
Knowing the commandments, I know I’ve sinned gravely towards God and hurt my husband, so I’ve decided to confess to my husband, he was sad but he chose to forgive me as he said he couldn’t imagine the days without me.
I tried to work things out, fix this marriage, so I sought a marriage counselor solely.
While doing so, It was implied to me by the counselor that my husband is manipulative, irresponsible and seemed pressurized to marry me, judging that I am 3 years older than him.
Even so, I’ve still decided to fix this marriage and encouraged him to join the sessions as well. He refused to, and several times he agreed but provided excuses to get out of it

I tried to leave my lover aside but still we managed to get back together, break again and repeatedly till now, a final clean break as my lover agreed that I should be right with God and . And every break was a tearful one.

Fast forward a year later, On May;
Due to an explosion in the house set the house ablaze and Thank God that we survived. It was his negligence that had caused the explosion to happen. Since then we’ve been living separately, he started to go on dating sites and apps, and just when I decided to discern and try to work things out with my husband again while atoning my sin, he had visited a social escort which he claimed that he left without finishing the act. On the same day I found out that he has been lying to my mother about the debts that he hasn’t been paying.

Once again, I’ve decided to leave him and spoke to a lawyer even. However, what has stopped me and tormented me everyday was the 10 commandments and the thought that I should atone for my mistakes as since he has forgiven me for the infidelity that I’ve committed, I should do the same. However, I know I don’t want to be with him anymore, and am eager to leave him. I followed my bible plans everyday and am ready to confess to my priest.

Selfishly, I know I don’t want to be with my husband anymore and i wouldn’t be happy if I force the marriage to work.

What should I do?

Thank you for reading this long winded post.
Really appreciated.
 
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There are mental health issues involved here. First thing to do is get in touch with your mental health medical team.
Go to confession and get yourself right with God about the adultery. Start frequenting the sacraments and the Mass.

Atoning for mistakes involves confession and being guided by your priest as far as penance goes.

Praise to God neither of you were injured in the explosion.
 
Honestly, I think you and your husband are a horrible ‘couple’ together. His lies, job-hopping without you knowing, going into debts without telling you, etc. are awful and show absolutely no partnership, no communication or respect. The fact that you were only intimate once or twice a year and had to schedule it - and then he would make up excuses of being tired to get out of it, shows zero intimacy. Yes, you sinned when getting together with the good friend - but you were hardly in a marriage to begin with and it’s not even a recognized marriage by the Catholic church since you were married Presbyterian.

It really does sound like a very sad situation… and I can’t in good faith tell you to keep forgiving and trusting the man you call your husband. It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve even had a real marriage at any time given the facts you’ve given. I’m sorry though - if I was speaking with you in real life I’d give you a hug. It sounds like you could use one. So… cyber - hug. 😉
 
Thank you so much.
I’ve struggled with this guilt and conflicting situation that is caught up in my mind.

With this Covid situation here, I built up an excuse to escape from speaking to a Priest as I am deeply ashamed, it is hard to even confess to the counselor about what I have done. As so, I’m going to muster up courage to address this to my priest and hopefully God speaks through him to me.

I’ve been having dreams and signs but it is hard to discern if it is really from God.
 
Godloves1 said:
However, what has stopped me and tormented me everyday was the 10 commandments and the thought that I should atone for my mistakes as since he has forgiven me for the infidelity that I’ve committed, I should do the same
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If you are Catholic and you married this man in a Presbyterian church without the proper dispensations from the Catholic Church, then the Catholic Church does not consider you to be married to him and in fact thinks you are living in sin with him.

It doesn’t sound like he actually forgave you as such. It sounds like he doesn’t take your relationship seriously enough to have been hurt, so he doesn’t feel like he needs to work on forgiving you.

I say this because if he had felt hurt, you two would have talked about why it happened and in your repentance and his forgiveness would have worked on your relationship.

Do not be afraid to go and talk with a priest about this so you can get yourself right with God and start to receive the sacraments again!
 
Thank you for the virtual hug, and thank you for not judging me.

Yes, indeed we were not married in the Catholic Church which to my disappointment, he’d left his own Presbyterian Church after we were married.
Despite times that I’ve presented and prayed that he would fill up the RCIA form to be confirmed, there would be excuses and arguments.

However I agree that this is messy and complicated. Thank you all for the replies and reading.
 
It sounds like this man is not acting as a husband should, even setting aside the adultery issues. It also does not sound like there’s much hope of him changing his behavior.

Forgiving someone for a past wrong, or them forgiving you, does not mean you need to stay in a toxic, unhealthy, and abusive relationship with them.

You were not married in the Catholic Church. You may therefore have a chance to get out of this marriage. Talk to your priest.
 
I agree. It doesn’t sound like a marriage at all. It doesn’t sound like either of you were ready for marriage to begin with. See your priest when you can, get a civil divorce, hopefully, you can get an annulment, or whatever you need to be free of each other. And make sure you are in good mental health before marrying again, if you want to.
 
I am not married, so I realize that in that sense I am not really qualified to give advice from that perspective. But I will keep you in my prayers as you navigate this difficult time in your life.

However, I would advise you to definitely seek help from a mental health counselor. The fact that you have struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past is concerning; in anyone’s life, regardless of circumstance, I think it’s important to make sure you are in a good state of mind before making any major decisions. I think consulting a priest for confession/advisement sooner rather than later isn’t a bad idea, either.

Also, try including a daily Rosary into your routine. Our Lady asked us to say it for a reason. We are all flawed humans. We all face different temptations everyday of our lives. And I feel like at our especially weak moments, we should turn to Our Lady through the Rosary and ask her to pray for us to get through our trials.
 
Hi, Goodloves1! Welcome to CAF! Be sure to stick around and become better acquainted with us. You can make friends here and learn something new almost every time you stop by.

Did you go through a priest In order to receive a dispensation for your marriage to be performed inside the Presbyterian Church? If not, as @Annie stated, you’re only cohabiting with the man in the eyes of the Catholic Church. You’re not married to him, so you’ll only need a civil divorce in court.

For your own soul and peace of mind, as several have said, discuss this with a priest, confess, and return to Mass and Holy Communion.

For the resolution of your living situation, scout a good attorney first, before breathing a word to this man. Get all your ducks in a row before mentioning divorce to him.

I’m guessing that he owes your mother money. If so, the sooner you’re away from him, the better. It is only fair, though, that you gradually pay your mother what debt coverage your attorney is unable to get from him.

Let your attorney get all the paperwork compiled so that your “husband” can’t drain any accounts or rack up any more bills for which you might be held equally responsible.

You have given hubs ample opportunity to mend the relationship and he has refused, plus you want him gone. Don’t prolong the agony. Don’t ruin it by forewarning him. Follow your attorney’s advice to the letter. Present hubs with the divorce papers as a fait accompli, so that all he needs to do is pack his bags and go.

Best wishes to you. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
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Divorce in extreme situations is allowable, and your situation is certainly complex. As a stranger on the internet, I won’t encourage divorce, but is it an option to protect yourself emotionally and financially.

I would encourage you to continue working with a counselor on your own to help navigate these complex issues.

If you were to consider marriage in the future, speak with a priest to discern your options.
 
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Annie said:
It doesn’t sound like he actually forgave you as such. It sounds like he doesn’t take your relationship seriously enough to have been hurt, so he doesn’t feel like he needs to work on forgiving you.

I say this because if he had felt hurt, you two would have talked about why it happened and in your repentance and his forgiveness would have worked on your relationship.
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I couldn’'t agree more wtih this. No man easily forgives adultery. I can’t help but think the only reason he forgave so easisly is because he was doing it himself
 
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